Paying for the whole wedding by yourselves (bride and groom) is not necessarily the first step towards independence and neither does it mean that just because you two are paying, you will not be pressured into spending on things you think are unnecessary and only to conform to tradition.
From my side, my parents paid for everything which was natural since I pretty much never had a real job. When I got married I was still in college so there was no way I could pay for it. Still, my parents paid for everything because they felt it was their responsibility. Same way when kids go to college, even though the kids may take out loans, if the parents can, they usually do pay for as much as they can. My parents wanted to pretty much pay for everything including furniture, china, pretty much everything that is included in jahez.
My husband however, didn't like that idea at all and thought it was ridiculous for my parents to be paying for anything in our home. At the end, there was a balance. However, from the groom's side, he paid for practically everything and still his dad pressured him into paying thousands more on tickets and hotel rooms for their relatives in pakistan.
My husband and I are independent, financially of our parents, now but just because you are paying for the wedding yourself doesn't mean you will not be pressured into such customs.
In addition, there was a lot of money spent on the wedding as usually is the case. I 'persuaded' my husband to increase his budget for the engagement ring more than 4 fold. Not only because the engagement ring was possibly the most imp thing to me but the ring I liked was definitely not near his budget. I wasn't putting any undue pressure on him, I knew he could afford it and in the end he did and he loved the ring as well.
So as far as spending money is concerned, I say go out and spend whatever you want to as long as you don't go into debt. If the parents of the bride want to give gifts (jahez) out of happiness (and not duty or saving face) to the inlaws, go ahead and give them. However, as far as DEMANDING gifts for inlaws or furniture, house cars, etc. is concerned, that has to stop.
So that's great!! My husband didn't paid anything for my house...My parents bought everything for me for my house...furniture etc etc....My husband was also saying that I should change my kitchen and bathroom...coz it will be difficult to do it when we'll be together...coz all the costs etc...
I was really angry and I told my mom...She said that they aren't giving anything to him...they are giving all the things to me...So that I'll be happy to live in my house with all the things I like.....So they also want to make a kitchen.....and yeh maybe also the bathroom....It all depends on me...they only say that I should take things I like...And yeh I'm not buying as a dumb blond...but I think 10 times before buying something for my house...Will I use it?? Do I need it?? etc etc
And yeh I work....all the little things I've bought myself...
In Pakistan my parents bought furniture for me...only for my bedroom...I've heard several times my MIL saying that they bought everything for her daughter when she married...irritating....every person who came to see my furniture said ooh only bedroom furniture?? Damn...so pathetic.... However my bedroom furniture was much more expensive then alll the things they have in their home!!! My parents could buy things for me in PK...but I'm not going to live there...so why should they buy?? I'm going to live here.....My parents didn't bought things for me to show off..and to show others that: WE GOT MONEY!!..but bought things for me so that I'll be happy!!
And yeh I'm really happy!! I love my furniture..here and in PK...I love my jewellery (I don't even wear it), i love my house I bought....and I love my parents...Sometimes I have to explain my parents not to buy unnecessary things for me!!
Yes I have two elder sisters...who both are married...and same story with them also!!
My brother is going marry next year....My mom is buying everything for my Bhabhi....Bedroom furniture in PK and here.....jewellery....etc etc..everything......coz her parents can't afford....They haven't said it...but my parents don't care about it!!
She is their fourth daughter....She got the same rights as we(3 sis)do...