why joint,why seprate???

Lifestyle Relationships
1

i just wish to know which is ur favour & wats ur reasons behind it?

if u want seprate then u feel which adavtages u will take more than joint system?

if u want joint system wat u like in it? & joint means to live with son’s parents?
if we consider there was no blame in culture to son-in-laws who lives with in laws(same girls in pakistan live with in laws & no one feel bad abt it)…then is there any groom who wishes to live with in-laws??? or bring his in-laws to live with them(in normal time not if they r ill or old times)?

i wish answers with reason behind it…

2

joint or seprate,why?

i just wish to know which is ur favour & wats ur reasons behind it?

if u want seprate then u feel which adavtages u will take more than joint system?

if u want joint system wat u like in it? & joint means to live with son's parents?
if we consider there was no blame in culture to son-in-laws who lives with in laws(same girls in pakistan live with in laws & no one feel bad abt it)...then is there any groom who wishes to live with in-laws??? or bring his in-laws to live with them(in normal time not if they r ill or old times)?

i wish answers with reason behind it....

3

Re: why joint,why seprate???

I dont wnana live with my MIl because she is really bossy and always tells every1 what to do. She is a nice woman but really annoys me at times by telling me wht 2 do. She loves praying and forces me to do so also and forces em to eat even if i dont wnat to.. tells me not to wear nailpolish, bought me an ugly outfit for Eid, and several other issues.

I think advantages of living in joint family is probably tht it is less expensive and keeps ppl busy. Disadvantage is too much noise and kids, and everyone is involved in everyones business eventhough they do not need to be.

Advantage of living separate is tht u get to learn how to live on ur own, get more space and privacy. Also, u get freedom to do w.e u like and not have to ask every1s iopinion

4

Re: joint or seprate,why?

i prefer seperate

main reasons: kum taka jhaanki, roz roz baataen sunaen kay 0 chances, husband ki attention just for you, jo merzi jaisa merzi pakao koi bolnay wala nahi hai, bachoun ki tarbeat upnay tareekay say, saas n in laws ka kum inteferance.... these are a few to name....

5

Re: why joint,why seprate???

I've always been for living separately, you get your own personal space and you can avoid all the family drama that goes with living with inlaws. Recently though I have come to realise that there are a lot benefits with a joint family too, like lower expenses, greater family bond, etc. But for a joint family to work your house must be big enough to allow everyone their personal space, and it only works if it's just one or two sons living with the family or else everyone just starts getting in each other's way. Here in pakistan nearly everyone starts out living with the family, eventually moving away as they get more financially stable.

6

Re: joint or seprate,why?

gud description...i agreeee :)

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Re: why joint,why seprate???

Separate.. Just less drama and more space and privacy.. I wouldn't feel comfortable not being able to dress how I like, be intimate with my other half wherever and whenever we like etc. I'd happily live 5mins down the road from the inlaws tho, would not have to be far away..

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Re: why joint,why seprate???

I am all for joint family system even though;

1) I am quite a private, introvert person.

2) I am often misunderstood, which would mean there will be issues.

3) I like quiet, peaceful environment n i am a very light sleeper.

4) I don't like nosey people.

5) I am blunt, i say it as it is and if i try and hold back, it wl still show on my face.

Now you ask even after all the ^ still why i would want to go for it, Well....

1) I believe life is all about adjustments, you can't let go of family for your small comforts. You gotta prioritise your life the right way.

2) How can i even think of living seperate from my inlaws when i wouldnt approve the same if my bhabi does the same to my parents?

3) Islam does give the women the right to ask for a seperate accomodation BUT conditions do apply. Unfortunately we take what we like and ignore what we don't find of our use. How can i expect a seperate accomodation when i don't have any right reason to demand that. Do i do purdah from non-mehram? NO. Do i feel living away from his family my husband would love me more? I highly doubt so.

4) We can't ignore the cultural aspect of it too. We all know how it makes the family look when their sons leaves them for their wife?. Alot of times the parents dont only find it difficult to deal with their sons living far away but also of the society questioning them again n again about it. Yes we can't let culture take over our lives BUT we have to respect it.

5) For me marriage is not about two people getting together but two families getting together. I would want to have people around myself and my kids. I would want my kids to have the blessing of living with their grandparents and learning from their experiences. I would rather live with real people then rely on comps/tv/mags to keep me busy and occupied.

6) Living with inlaws may mean they would most likely be naming the kids, cutting their b-day cakes, going to their school functions, etc etc. BUT Why do women not realise that the grandparents are gonna want to do all that because they love your kids and want to own them. If my mil gets angry at me cuz the kid got sick, why do i feel she is being a witch? why dont i see the love she has for the kid. Having said that i think most educated people know how to keep things balanced, they would ignore the mother's right to have her say in kids name or stuff like that.

7) I know alot of people are going to jump at me and say i'm saying all this cuz i am not married yet BUT let me tell you i have said no to alot of rishtas where it was confirmed that i was not gonna have to live with the inlaws. And i am not living in a bubble or a fairly land that i think it will be all nice n easy to adjust cuz i know it wont be. I am quite a difficult person myself so i know it wl be alot harder for me to adjust to marriage and with inlaws but i am still up for it because living with the family is how i see myself living all my life. I know Allah will bestow strength and patience in me to make it work, i have my faith intact. Having said that i am not saying i will tolerate crap or abuses but i won't go into my new relationships expecting that or having preconcieved notions about my inlaws.

9

Re: joint or seprate,why?

I dont think the OP speaks urdu, you may want to write it out in english so she understands your reasonings (which were all good reasonings!)

10

Re: joint or seprate,why?

thanks saimab!
i wanted write same thing that i saw u mentioned...

wats ur own idea abt this topic?

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Re: joint or seprate,why?

Paliz654654, what langauge do you speak, I mean your mother tongue?

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Re: joint or seprate,why?

roman urdu is not that hard i guess

anyways

to translate it....

less interfering in every issue, hubby all for yarself, watever u cook in ur house, nobody is there to say this n thats....., children growth how u want and above all no Mother in law every second why this why thats...... to name a few!!!!

13

Re: joint or seprate,why?

why all ppl makes this much attenstion to my countrty....i saw be4 non-pakistanies here who were hiding their country,
is it that much hard to understand someone may dont wish to name...u r all pakistanies here but a non-pakitani will be easily highlight here & due to some logic reason that may i cant open here i cant make it clear in public...no reason to annoy ppl here
plz dont feel bad abt this

14

Re: joint or seprate,why?

I think paliz is persian…:x2:

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Re: joint or seprate,why?

I dont think it really matters where she is from, all that matters is that she asked a question (which is the purpose of this forum) and we should answer her without trying to pry into her personal life.

As for living joint or separate. I think in the beginning when the marriage is new, its important to live alone (just husband and wife). It gives them a chance to get to know each other really well, and get used to living with each other, and each others habits. There is no one else around to dictate what they should do, what they should eat, or anything else. They need to get used to being with one another without the interference of anyone else.

My fiance and I will be living alone (InshAllah), and I think that is best for us in the beginning as we get used to each other, but I have told him that later on in life if he wants to move his parents in with us (as they get older and need help) I dont have a problem with that, but this should be later on, when we have already established our life together.

16

Re: joint or seprate,why?

o good ...do u wish i chamge topic to guess where im from?
it will be a nice thread...lol

realy i dont know how to explian more abt myself...

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Re: joint or seprate,why?

and just like Korn said, you dont want interference from others, especially when you have already just had the biggest change in your life. You need to set a routine for yourself before you can allow others into your life. With in laws, they will already have their own routine, and its only natural for them to want you to conform to their ways, instead of establishing your own. If you can, I would suggest living on your own for a while before moving in with your in laws. It really helps create a strong bond between husband and wife.

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Re: joint or seprate,why?

saima i realy feel same...

as far as i dont like my country men who always forget their parents full...i also dont like joint system where all ppl works on eachother business!

i feel respect to parents r else ... its established in pakistani culture that care & respect is to live with in-laws...if its like this then it should be same for both in-laws....
in islam there is no priority that son's parents need to take more respect...or u have to live with parents to show ur love as if its like this islam would involve both side parents same...so if u go for islam its else then if ur wife will say lets stay with my parents u should say yes blindly without thinking ppl will talk after u(if u mean caring parents mean to live with them anyhow)...
a
but if u want live with parents cuz culture likes it ...then i would say u should see logic then decide abt wats benefit for u in joint or seprate...

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Re: joint or seprate,why?

^ its not that complicated.......just make up your mind whether you want to follow culture or religion.....

pakistani culture, or for that matter any culture is not based on religion...so there may always be deviations between what cultures do and what religion says.......

20

Re: joint or seprate,why?

Paliz, you are right. Religion and culture in this case clash against each other. Islam says to respect your parents (both sets), and culture says to show your in laws (husbands parents) repect by living with them. I think this is a case where you and your husband need to decide what is right for you and your future. You will be the one who will be affected most by the change, because you are moving into a new family, so you must be comfortable with it, and your husband must make the change easy for you. Good luck! and good luck with your wedding....I think its soon right?