I keep hearing from my family that it is mana for girls to talk, that they don’t look good, blah blah blah. I mean, I get this stems from our desi culture, but why? Why is it bad if a girl speaks her mind? Why do the aunties go crazy if she has enough sense to stand up for herself? It really pisses me off whenever they say this cause it’s like, I really don’t care what these people have to say about me, but at the same time, it goes back to your parents not “teaching you to be polite” and crap. It’s like they want to turn all the girls into mindless zombies that will take whatever they throw without a word from us and then we are good girls? What the hell is this crap??? Has anyone else experienced this? WIll you put your daughters/sisters through this?
PS. I also got the “dulhan’s have to sharmeeli” lecture at the same time. Psshhhhhhh, forget that! Even my mom laughed at my nano!
Back to my original point, ladies and gentlemen (some of you anyways), tell me your experiences.
ria, it all really comes down to how thing have traditionally been done. But girls not talking reminds me of the line “kids should be seen not heard” and it is utterly ridiculous
Yes… My Mom used to say when I was a kid " baron ke bech mai na bol karo let them finish what they are talking " I used to get mad why she stops me whan Im talking…
Then When I was A teenager she used to say " kisi party ya shadi mai zor zor se has ke na bol karo…Larkiyo ke sath group bana ke gossip nahi kiya karo mere sath betha karo " I used to think why she dont want me to Mixup with cousins and do gossip or whats wrong If I do some prank or laugh Loudly…Trust Me now when I look back what ever she said was/Is perfect nothing Is wrong with whatever she said…
I got a MIL who is very strict about same rules..So when i look back I thanks my mom to teach me those things In young age other wise I know I wud have been spoiled
**Tradition can go jump in a ditch and die. Why bother having a daughter if she’s meant to be a show piece? There are so many benefits to having daughters, but people still prefer sons to daughters? **
**Okay, so I get that baroon ki batiyoon mein nahi ate part. I can even get the part where at a shaadi or function she wouldn’t wan’t you to gossip and stuff. But what if you’re sitting with family and bantering with your siblings? Your cousins? And you’re just casually talking? Is that bad too? **
1) If it's the rishta scene.......then the guy's mom (prospective MIL) wants an obedient girl who will do as she is told by her and her son. A girl who speaks her mind (a thinking girl) can't be controlled and is assumed that she won't make a good wife/DIL. "Good" here means not questioning authority.
2)^ If it's an MIL who believes that.....it's most likely for the same reason as above.
3) If it's an aunti within the family (chachi, tayi, etc) or even outside the family.......they may hold this view because they want you to silently put up with their tactless remarks. For example....some aunti says something OFFENSIVE/TACTLESS to your face.....and you defend yourself...........your defending will be seen as "badtameezi." It's much EASIER for aunti to give you the lecture that "girls should be seen and not heard" rather than humble herself enough to reflect upon her OWN mistakes.
4) Some auntis (within the family or outside) might give such a lecture because they could be AFRAID of you speaking your mind. Maybe they're afraid that your bold mind might influence their own innocent children....and that they too will begin to speak their minds. Or perhaps you are voicing an opinion that goes** AGAINST** the aunti's beliefs about a particular issue.........and perhaps YOU HAVE A POINT AND MAKE SENSE.......but aunti would rather stick to her the beliefs that she grew up with and that have been passed from generation to generation.....................rather than admit that YOU just might be right with your "new fangled" thinking. Unfamiliarity can be scary for some people. Familiarity can be comforting even though it may be detrimental.
**5) **As a means of CONTROL. Example: Let's say that your immediate family and extended family are pushing you to marry someone you're not interested in. If you "voice" your opinion (which you have EVERY right to do)...........they may try to guilt you by saying that "girls shouldn't be so vocal bla bla bla"...........as a way of controlling the situation. So, that they can fulfill their own goals/agendas.....even if it's at your expense.
6) Some SUPER PAINDU people associate girls who "speak their mind" with "loose character". They assume that just girls who speak their minds.....are more "maadran"......therefore they must be "hard to control"........."wild".
1) If it's the rishta scene.......then the guy's mom (prospective MIL) wants an obedient girl who will do as she is told by her and her son. A girl who speaks her mind (a thinking girl) can't be controlled and is assumed that she won't make a good wife/DIL. "Good" here means not questioning authority.
2)^ If it's an MIL who believes that.....it's most likely for the same reason as above.
3) If it's an aunti within the family (chachi, tayi, etc) or even outside the family.......they may hold this view because they want you to silently put up with their tactless remarks. For example....some aunti says something OFFENSIVE/TACTLESS to your face.....and you defend yourself...........your defending will be seen as "badtameezi." It's much EASIER for aunti to give you the lecture that "girls should be seen and not heard" rather than humble herself enough to reflect upon her OWN mistakes.
4) Some auntis (within the family or outside) might give such a lecture because they could be AFRAID of you speaking your mind. Maybe they're afraid that your bold mind might influence their own innocent children....and that they too will begin to speak their minds. Or perhaps you are voicing an opinion that goes** AGAINST** the aunti's beliefs about a particular issue.........and perhaps YOU HAVE A POINT AND MAKE SENSE.......but aunti would rather stick to her the beliefs that she grew up with and that have been passed from generation to generation.....................rather than admit that YOU just might be right with your "new fangled" thinking. Unfamiliarity can be scary for some people.
**5) **As a means of CONTROL. Example: Let's say that your immediate family and extended family are pushing you to marry someone you're not interested in. If you "voice" your opinion (which you have EVERY right to do)...........they may try to guilt you by saying that "girls shouldn't be so vocal bla bla bla"...........as a way of controlling the situation. So, that they can fulfill their own goals/agendas.....even if it's at your expense.
6) Some SUPER PAINDU people associate girls who "speak their mind" with "loose character". They assume that just girls who speak their minds.....are more "maadran"......therefore they must be "hard to control"........."wild".
*So are they just supposed to sit there and take that abuse? What kind of nonsense is that!!!! What if someone insults their parents, their siblings, or even their husband? *
*So are they just supposed to sit there and take that abuse? What kind of nonsense is that!!!! What if someone insults their parents, their siblings, or even their husband? *
you can talk as much as you want after marriage.. thats what happened :(
If the cousins are MALE then yes…Coz you never know when shetan put dirty thoughts in your heart ( sorry if it’s off topic ) but It’s true… And If cousin is female then may be mom is concern that she her daughter will ger Asar from her cousin..
Now with sibbling This answer Is from My Nano… She says you dont go to any traning school But Your home is your traning school…So how you behave with your sibbling will teach you or you will learn from this that how to behave when you are with friends or cousins… I used to fight with my sister for like why did u use my lipstick… Or we used to prank with each other…My mom never said that DONT do this.. But she used to say things should be In limits.. Like If I was fighting with my sister my says No TAna or Tanz No bad language…
And for casually talking I dont see any thing wrong with this
So I was telling you my experiences… And that doesnt meant that every mom thinks like my mom or there should be the same reason which My mom used to explain… ..
**
I understand that it's important to respect parents and elders. Easier said than done...but it's not right to talk back to them or sass them.
^But there's a DIFFERENCE between "talking back"....and discussing your point of view. Desi culture thinks the two are synonymous or one and the same....with both sons and daughters....but especially with daughters.
The danger in kids not being allowed to discuss their opinions is that it leads to bottled up frustrations........which may manifest themselves in more severe ways (rebellion, etc). It can lead to kids growing up with communication problems. It might even lead them to become NAIVE......to not become independent thinkers as adults.......to not use their own mind in making decisions.........because someone else always made decisions for them. It can lead to grudges and deterioration of relationships. I've heard stories where parents imposed a certain career path on children when they had no inclination or interest toward that career.......only to end up distancing themselves from that parent.
There has to be balance. Sometimes what is believed to be good can result in damaging or unhealthy consequences.
*So are they just supposed to sit there and take that abuse? What kind of nonsense is that!!!! What if someone insults their parents, their siblings, or even their husband? *
Calm down. Did I say in my post that they HAVE to sit there and take the abuse? Nope, I never said that. I only provided the possible reasons behind why "it's mana for girls to speak their minds".........because that's the title of this thread.....which you posed as a question. It helps to understand the REASONS behind a notion....if one is going to attempt bringing about some positive change.
You don't have to "take anything" abuse or otherwise. You don't HAVE to take someone's crap...........and you don't HAVE to take their kindly worded advice or suggestions either.
You make it sound like you have to seek permission to speak your mind. You don't HAVE to do that either. There's no GUNNAH in voicing one's opinion. If the main concern is "RESPECT".........then one can always voice their concerns more respectfully. Now if the OTHER PERSON is HELL BENT on taking your calm discussion as "badtameezi".......then that's their problem. You can't control their mind any more than you can control the weather.
Keeping in mind the idea that you can't control or change other people...............you have to realize that the other person may NEVER see your point of view. So, you pick and choose your battles....rather than turn everything into a war.
Okay, so I get that baroon ki batiyoon mein nahi ate part. I can even get the part where at a shaadi or function she wouldn't wan't you to gossip and stuff. But what if you're sitting with family and bantering with your siblings? Your cousins? And you're just casually talking? Is that bad too?
Did an elder from your family tell you that it was bad to be casually talking with your siblings/cousins??????????????????? Or is that a doubt/assumption that you have based on fear?
There shouldn't be a problem with you engaging in banter with siblings and cousins unless:
1) You're super loud....and are disrupting the function in some way. And maybe you're drawing negative attention toward yourself.
2) The content of your bantering is seen as inappropriate by the elders. Perhaps you and those among your age group might think there's nothing wrong with your conversation........but maybe the adults think otherwise. What if they think your friendliness is "flirtatious." Keep in mind that there is a GENERATION GAP between you and the aunties/uncles. Due to this generation gap, there will be differences in the perception about what is considered "appropriate" or "casual.
Also, as Kinzz mentioned earlier.......in some families, interacting closely with a cousins of the opposite gender may be frowned upon....although your own heart/intentions may be clean.
.. ??