Why is getting married considered so necessary in our society? It is just automatically assumed that when you grow up you just have to get married and that’s the only route to take in life. If you say you don’t want to get married, people think you are either joking or going through a phase which will pass and then you will regret this decision later when you are ‘over the hill’ or you are simply crazy.
Marriage is not even a religious requirement in Islam. Then why all this fuss? The institution of marriage is way too overrated in our society.
Maintaining a marriage is no easy task. It might have its advantages, that’s a whole separate debate, but it is a huge responsibility and requires patience and compromise from the parties involved. One has to take care of another individual, change oneself according to the wishes of their spouse and their family, and always be careful and responsible about that person’s happiness and welfare. One’s own emotional happiness depends on another individual. Why put oneself in such a dependent and vulnerable position? Kids again are huge responsibilities for the parents. There is no bigger responsibility in the world than children in fact.
What if one doesn’t want to lead a life so full of commitment and responsibility? Its just like sometimes people want to live with roommates and sometimes people prefer living by themselves.
Both lifestyles have their advantages. Granted people say that after marriage you have a life partner and it becomes easy to spend life when you have company plus it keeps you away from forming such relationships with the opposite gender that are not allowed in Islam. But What if one actually prefers a solitary lifestyle and is sure that he or she can keep himself from having such relationships. Shouldn’t that person be allowed to? Why does our society regard such people with pity and disapproval?
There are people who actually want to and look forward to getting married. They have dreamy notions in their mind and they want to see them being fulfilled. There are others though for whom the whole idea of marriage does not hold any appeal. Why should they be then subconciously psychologically forced into it by society?
Talk to married people and they say their lives are not any happier after marriage. Life just goes on fine either way. What’s the point of putting yourself through all this responsibility and burden then? Is it a grand plot by all older and married people to make young unmarried people who are happy and enjoying their lives to suffer the same fate they had to suffer and perpetuate the cruel ways of society? Or is it just coz its the norm in society and what’s ‘expected’? Why should we be made to follow the norm blindly?
*Hum kyun chalen us rah par jis rah par sab hi chalen?
kyun na chunein wo rasta jis par nahin koi gaya?
I agree with you Irem. At times I think I would skip it myself. But partnership is a basic human need that cannot be denied. Friends, family, work don't last a lifetime. Imagine yourself without anybody to talk to. What do you do? Watch tv? Or come on a message board to kill time? You may have lots of friends right now, cousins, brothers, sisters to interact with or talk to if needed. With time pople move on, their priorities shift and you will eventually fall pretty much to the bottom of it. You tend to move away yourself if you feel out of place. Brothers and sisters are closer to you till they do not have there own responsibilites and families. After that things change. Your parents are not with you for ever either. Who do you go to for emotional support then? And don't tell me you won't ever need it.
I don't know about others but I cannot do without company. What fun is a movie watched alone? What fun is a trip taken all alone? What fun is food cooked alone and eaten all alone? It is always more fulfilling when you have someone to share things with, discuss things with, enjoy things with. Why do so many of us come here? To talk to people we like, just to share ideas and discuss. Can you think of doing this for the rest of your life then? Just logging on and talking to people you don't even know!
Maintaining a marraige may be no easy task but neither is living a solitary life. Compromising isn't as a big deal as people make it sound. Don't you have to make certain compromises at work? Does that make you quit work altogether? No. You adjust. Children are a huge responsibilty, I agree. I am a nightmare for my parents I think. But is the fear of that responsibilty worth missing the joy children bring to your lives?
I wouldn't want to be the old single aunt.
I wouldn't want to have to come back home to no one.
I wouldn't want to miss the joy of having a my own family.
I wouldn't want to be found dead in my apartment one fine morning after 3 days of dying!
Compromise is not a big deal I agree. But what about responsibility? Atleast being alone we are not answerable about others. We don't have to be tied into a routine emotionally and physically. If we don't cook we can stay hungry, we can be lazy and not work, be poor and eat at McD's all our lives. But when you have kids you can't do that anymore.
All this stuff about partnership being a basic need etc is all just stuff we've been hardwired to believe. I don't think its true. And just having a human being with you may not drive your loneliness away. In fact some people can make you feel even more miserable than you are. You can be alone in a crowd too or you can feel like you have company even if you are alone at the peak of mountain at night. Its all a mind game. You have to learn yourself in life. Self contentment is the key, not companionship. I think we come alone into this world and we leave this world alone. No one can actually solve our problems, we have to do it ourselves. The only companionship is with the Creator who is the only Provider.
If you are alive, you'll always have a person to talk to when you want. And we'll always have GS lol. Besides, sometimes people are widowed, divorced etc. That's just another sea of pain, I know this is probably a really pessimistic way of thinking but why risk it?
I wouldn't want to be the old single aunt.
I wouldn't want to have to come back home to no one.
I wouldn't want to miss the joy of having a my own family.
I wouldn't want to be found dead in my apartment one fine morning after 3 days of dying!
That is just out of the movies FF :-p There's nothing ethically wrong with any of these, then why not? In fact, I think I would probably feel even worse when I am dying if I knew people would cry over me. I would die happier knowing no one will mourn about it.
Children bring joys sure, but they also bring a lot of pain sometimes. I think I've brought a lot of pain to my parents many times. There are children who go and do stuff in life that really hurts their parents. Its all a mixed package. To have and then to have lost in my opinion is not better but worse than not having at all. Ignorance is bliss.
Don't you think that family that would regulate and motivate you to strive for better then? We tend to lax when no one is affected by our decisions and may even make the wrong ones due to that very factor causing harm to ourselves. I agree being with another person doesn't necessarily drive away your loneliness. That is why I haven't been able to get myself to go for an arranged marraige...becasue I have no idea what I am in for and the risk is too high. But being with a person you like and get along with certainly brings joy. You don't find such people very often and when you do it is only wise to make the best of what God sent your way. If the only companionship that mattered was The Creator's then the whole world would be full of hermits living in recluse.
People do get widowed and divorced, true but life goes on. It never stops. The wise are those who learn from past experiences and cherish the good. These things enrich you in the longer run. You can never be too safe. I think to have tried and failed and learnt from it is better than never having tried at all. The first is braveness , the second cowardice. I wouldn't want to live with the question 'what if...' linger over me all my life.
FF has said everything :-) everyone moves on with their lives with time.. my siblings will have their life of their own eventually. and i dont want to be alone. not that there is anything wrong with it but i'd like to share my life with someone. i see my parents and how happy they are, how they r there for each other all the time. that kind of comfort and trust u cant find with anyone else except ur life partner. i want to experience that martial bliss as well :-) and ofcourse its not going to be easy, there are going to be ups and down. but thats life whether u r married or not.
oh and marriage is not over rated in our society only. its given the same importance in many european cultures as well, (italians, portuguese etc) and yes in north america as well. it's just that there way of approaching is different than ours.
FF I agree that being with someone you like brings joy. However, seeing the married couples around me, I don't think that appreciation lasts forever. Maybe I'm just disillusioned after seeing some specific examples in front of me.
The 'what if's' will always be there. There will always be paths in life that you abandoned in preference to others and those 'what if's' will always remain. You just have to make sure to stop yourself from thinking that way.
BTW, if you are avoiding an arranged marriage, I've heard from friends who have had 'love marriages' that their husbands were different people after marriage and they had to go through all the normal post marriage stages of adjustment, compromise, making oneself familiar etc as their peers who had had arranged marriages. So don't just rule out arranged marriage for the reason you mentioned.
The world is not full of hermits in recluse but the world is not full of married people who claim to be happily married and praise the institution of marriage either. A lot of the times, people just do things because its what the done thing, and marriage is also part of that whole cycle.
Suroor, inshalllah you will, but how you be sure that you are going to find that kind of bliss and trust etc in your marriage partner? It could just be an untrue hollow dream, a mirage. Marriage is just nature's way of ensuring procreation and the continuation of the human race, that's all. Its got nothing to do with happiness etc.
Irem what if you wind up being a lonley, grumpy old maid? How do you know that the path you are taking is going to be right and you will have no regrets?
I believe you get married when you want a family. If you don't want children then marriage for the sake of companionship is not necessary, atleast in the West.
People do, if they don't already know they learn to, formulate bonds with other people. And that can happen within or with-out a marriage.
For those of us who are 20-somethings, we will be seeing more and more people opting for single/bachelor/bachelorette life-style.
FF regrets in people don't stem from circumstances, the reason people are regretful is because of their own ungratefulness. I'm like that too and I'll prolly have some regrets even if I have everything in the world, that's just human nature. I'll try to minimise it though by being thankful to God. As for grumpy, I've seen some pretty grumpy married ladies too lol. Whats grumpiness got to do with marital status?
LI hmmm. Interesting thoughts. There are people though who get married and have kids much later so they do get married for companionship too. In our desi culture though people have kids right after marriage usually.
Irem I still think there are equal risks either way. Neither is better than the other. In one we have a chance, cos we take the risk. In the other its a diff sort of risk. If we stopped doing certain things for fear of the outcome that would make our lives very dull and boring. You could make it or break it. Chances are equal. I would rather go forth with a positive attitude than sit back with a negative attitude.
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*Originally posted by irem: *
There are people though who get married and have kids much later so they do get married for companionship too.
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In most cases, it's for the purpose of exclusivity for physical intimacy; I don't consider that companionship in the truest sense.
FF,
It's not just the matter of fear of action/inaction, rather the necessity of the institution of marriage in today's society. I believe there is a great deal of pressure from desi society on its bachelors and bachelorettes, especially bachelorettes. Desis are more likely to opt for marriage simply to uphold traditions over their own emotional/psychological well-being.
FF I think Luxury Item has mentioned part of what I was trying to get at. What's the necessity of marriage? Its not even the fear of outcome, that maybe even less than 5% of the reason, its just that why is it considered the automatic thing to do? I mean why is it THE defining point and THE biggest event in our lives.
Khair, a lot of the views I presented were solely for the sake of discussion and bringing in an alternate viewpoint. Thanks for your participation :D
LI I am not an advocate of getting married for the sake of getting married. I have avoided that for a long time now and even now nothing can convince me to get into such a relation. Rather I have called it quits once because that is what I was doing... getting engaged for the sake of geting engaged due to external pressure. But that doesn't mean I would not look in to it again provided I found someone worth the risk.
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*Originally posted by Femme Fatale: *
LI I am not an advocate of getting married for the sake of getting married. I have avoided that for a long time now and even now nothing can convince me to get into such a relation. Rather I have called it quits once because that is what I was doing... getting engaged for the sake of geting engaged due to external pressure. But that doesn't mean I would not look in to it again provided I found someone worth the risk.
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I am not sure about emotional stuff. But, naturally for men, there's higher tendency to sleep around if you are not married. Having solid faith and values do help, but if there's no real commitment in life then you are more inclined towards indulging in casual sex..just my two cents..
