Based on some of the threads from the past week or so, I’ve come to the conclusion that many of the issues that result in drama are issues that really should have been considered and given serious thought prior to marriage. This raised a question for me.
If women feel strongly about a particular issue and it is quite important to them, why not hold out for a guy that feels the same way regarding said issue rather than marrying some poor sod who does not and then trying to change him later? For example, the living with in-laws bit. If living independently is quite important to someone and they feel rather strongly about it, to the point of this becoming an issue of contention later, why not wait for a guy that is also independent and feels the same way rather than marrying a guy that THEY KNOW is quite attached to his parents and is intent on living with them and trying to change him later?
The same can be said about specific attributes or personality characteristics. If a woman is after some specific characteristic in a potential spouse and it is quite important, why not wait for a guy that posses said quality rather than marrying a guy who does not and then trying to mould the guy to their liking? Overall, wouldn’t it be much easier and less dramatic to marry someone that is on the same page and already to your liking?
Because...hormones. No really, "I'm in laaarv" and all that nonsense literally blinds people and they don't realize that this infatuation is passing. Most relationships have this feeling come and go, and only the best ones are able to sustain it (albeit at a non-idiotic level). There's no such thing as "the one", just people you happen to be more compatible with. And this applies to both men and women.
I'm not referring to that fairytale concept of "the one" but rather someone you're at the very least on the same page with and feels the same way regarding the important issues.
I agree with you but I think that applies equally to men too… If a guy feels strongly about a particular issue he should also hold out for a woman who feels the same way and so on. I think it’s probably easier to do that with arranged marriages, where you can have a check list and tick off all the qualities you’re looking for. Unless the family put pressure on you to go along with it obviously! Maybe it’s harder for women to hold out for their perfect guy if the family are breathing down her neck.
In love marriages you can’t always choose who you fall in love with. You need to be able to accept them for who they are, including the negatives. “I love you but I hate your family”. What do you, break your own heart? No, you marry her because you love her and then after the wedding you give her the “You belong to me now, you’re family are dead to you” speech… just kidding lol … or am I??
It’s all about compromise, a bit of give and take, accepting your partner has flaws, accepting you have flaws too, learning to live together despite your differences… just like Muslims and Jews do.
Not easy finding the perfect partner, you could end up waiting your whole life… Me, I’m looking for a girl with fire in her belly…
…and I don’t mean hot hot vindaloo!!
Decades ago, when women rights were not that established if women were to wait until the society changed, some of those gals would be 120 by the time they found the right person. Sometimes you got to choose the best out of the worst.
I'm not referring to that fairytale concept of "the one" but rather someone you're at the very least on the same page with and feels the same way regarding the important issues.
Right. My point was that this fairytale ideal of someone is what causes people to ignore basic compatibility issues. Of course some people just lack common sense, but in a lot of cases people sweep things under the rug because of how they feel about someone.
Based on some of the threads from the past week or so, I’ve come to the conclusion that many of the issues that result in drama are issues that really should have been considered and given serious thought prior to marriage. This raised a question for me.
If women feel strongly about a particular issue and it is quite important to them, why not hold out for a guy that feels the same way regarding said issue rather than marrying some poor sod who does not and then trying to change him later? For example, the living with in-laws bit. If living independently is quite important to someone and they feel rather strongly about it, to the point of this becoming an issue of contention later, why not wait for a guy that is also independent and feels the same way rather than marrying a guy that THEY KNOW is quite attached to his parents and is intent on living with them and trying to change him later?
The same can be said about specific attributes or personality characteristics. If a woman is after some specific characteristic in a potential spouse and it is quite important, why not wait for a guy that posses said quality rather than marrying a guy who does not and then trying to mould the guy to their liking? Overall, wouldn’t it be much easier and less dramatic to marry someone that is on the same page and already to your liking?
Because that would be the logical thing to do, and logic has nothing to do with the entire rishta process.
From what I've seen******, girls and their moms are more concerned about getting the rishta done. The other things are just secondary, insignificant issues. Which of course they aren't, they really aren't, but hey, who cares as long as the girl gets married and isn't a forsaken, unlucky buddhi single spinster. Because God forbid she's happy being single, as long as she's unhappy but married.
******Disclaimer: This is my observation. To this observation there are of course exceptions. You or someone else you know might be an exception.
Easier said than done. I have known my husband for 10 years. My husband lived alone when I met him. I fell in love with him and then came the expectation that I would have to live with his family. Believe it or not, I put away marriage for a good five years. I knew this would be an issue because more than anything I know the kind of person I am. I am extremely private and do not like to be around people. I am so private that I have never even had friends throughout school. I finally gave in because we could not live without each other and he made some promises which with each day seem impossible to keep. I have become this person I can't even identify with. One thing I know is that I will never ask him to live away from his parents and he knows that. I would rather walk out than ask him for this. It is tough to give away your freedom and live each minute knowing that nothing is going to change and that you will lose whether you choose to stay or leave.
Based on some of the threads from the past week or so, I’ve come to the conclusion that many of the issues that result in drama are issues that really should have been considered and given serious thought prior to marriage. This raised a question for me.
If women feel strongly about a particular issue and it is quite important to them, why not hold out for a guy that feels the same way regarding said issue rather than marrying some poor sod who does not and then trying to change him later? For example, the living with in-laws bit. If living independently is quite important to someone and they feel rather strongly about it, to the point of this becoming an issue of contention later, why not wait for a guy that is also independent and feels the same way rather than marrying a guy that THEY KNOW is quite attached to his parents and is intent on living with them and trying to change him later?
The same can be said about specific attributes or personality characteristics. If a woman is after some specific characteristic in a potential spouse and it is quite important, why not wait for a guy that posses said quality rather than marrying a guy who does not and then trying to mould the guy to their liking? Overall, wouldn’t it be much easier and less dramatic to marry someone that is on the same page and already to your liking?
I think the reason is that women and men both get pressured into getting married and it would take too long if they were to wait for that one person who stands on the same level as them. And this happens with alot of people, not just our culture either. After hitting a certain age, many people feel the need to settle down with someone regardless of the differences you may have.
Also as some other posters have mentioned in other threads, some people don't consider mixing with opposite gender before marriage. many people go into arranged marriages where you have no idea what the other person wants. even meeting your potential future spouse a few times is not nearly enough to discuss every aspect in detail.
third, most parents, especially the ones of daughters, would rather get them married off to 'acha rishta' as long as the guy is earning well, shareef family. other things are not a priority for them, and they think their daughters will just figure it out after getting married.
personally I agree with you completely, I would never get involved with someone unless i know where they stand on all the important things. unfortunately, for many people, it's not possible for various cultural and possibly religious reasons.
Well Mezhgan, I think the crux of the matter lies in the fact that you can NEVER know what a situation will be like unless you are IN IT. I had an arranged marriage, but made it clear to my parents that I don't support living with the in-laws type-system (they totally agreed). As a result we turned down rishtas where the guy expected me to move into the family home. We waited til I was 25, which is a long time in my family considering most girls get married before the age of 21... but I got married to a guy (whom I love dearly and am very happy with)... and still I have in-law problems, even though they're not living with me!
Add to the mix a designer lehnga, fairy tale wedding of your dreams, 50 + new dresses, being treated like a princess till the wedding etc. and all the logic goes out of the girl’s mind lol
I recently found a meme on facebook about it lemme find that
There is a scarcity of good rishtas so girls often feel or are pressured to let the small issues go out the window. A girl who would never dream of living with Inlaws suddenly finds herself the primary caregiver of her father or mother in law. It's just how our society works.
I mean you can look at it as a violation of women's rights but on the other hand the sacrifices we women make allow our society to have a strong family unit. Whereas other families put their elderly in nursing homes, we don't and the quality of life our elderly have is due to the sacrifices we women make when we are younger.
But this is why I say it is your Relioguous responsibility to talk to the person prior to marriage and everyone balks at this being haram. It's actually not. Plenty of holy verses that encourage us to choose spouses on their character and faith and not lust and in Surah Nisa there is a verse directly ordering women to talk to men directly when making any contracts. So yeah you should talk to the guy and make an informed decision, not a decision on lust which is what the decision is based on when you view a picture and say yes.
There is a scarcity of good rishtas so girls often feel or are pressured to let the **small issues **go out the window.
I understand that one cannot fixate on every small issue and agree that one cannot expect a potential spouse to be perfect on every count. However, many of the issues I've seen people argue over on this forum are NOT small issues. The living situation, expectations regarding working, and financial matters are not minor issues to be taken lightly.
That's why I'm saying it's your duty to talk to the person before you marry them and iron out these issues before you make a decision but people pull in Islam and say this isn't allowed. I see nowhere where it says you shouldn't make an informed decision about marriage. If your decision is based on a picture and what his family boasts about him then don't complain later when you find out you married a rotten tomato.
See you’re the exception here. You didn’t go into the marriage for the sake of getting married, and you knew exactly what you were getting into. However, a lot of the times what is seen is well, ammi abu said that this guy is good enough for me, I’ll get married to him. Even if there is a period of engagement, where the couple by some miracle is allowed to talk, by themselves and are not watched over by 19839638946 family members when that happens, there is no real conversation about what to expect when they do get married. The real important issues are never or hardly discussed.
That's why I'm saying it's your duty to talk to the person before you marry them and iron out these issues before you make a decision but people pull in Islam and say this isn't allowed. I see nowhere where it says you shouldn't make an informed decision about marriage. If your decision is based on a picture and what his family boasts about him then don't complain later when you find out you married a rotten tomato.
^ This is what I'm saying as well. It is one's responsibility to sort out any major issues and consider whether one is compatible with someone prior to marrying them rather than marrying someone, expecting issues to "sort themselves out after marriage" or expecting the person to change after marriage and then whinging about it when they don't. I was just curious as to why people don't do this.
^Some people just say 'it's Allah's will' and leave it at that.. Strangely we aren't as passive or fatalistic when it comes to applying for a job or buying a house or car.. We woudn't walk into those situations blind so why go into a marriage like that?
i really think people who are married or got married or felt secure about this issue at an age considered appropriate by desi standards should REALLY REALLY refrain from commenting on other girls and saying they are just trying to get engaged or married.
NO ONE just gets oyou a freakin designer dress and 50+ formals and treats you like a princess.(disclaimer: not picking on seema) especially these girls whom you think are just trying to phasa someone and get engaged. they probably work really hard to pull off a wedding that is acceptable in our unforgiving culture.
the grand weddings we see...seem to be of people who are pretty sorted out.
and most girls are OBSESSED with marriage, so lets not pretend that theres a certain sect of desperate girls trying to get married by a certain age and have a grand wedding and then they get divorced.
^Phil, my comment was not in regards to how grand or not weddings are or what girls' motivations are for getting married. I was referring to the loads of compatibility issues people seem to have, which seem to be common sense (or lack thereof) and inquiring as to why people don't sort these out prior to getting married.
