I come from an urdu speaking family and my husband’s family is Punjabi. We had a love marriage which is how he ended up marrying a girl from an urdu speaking family. If he had not found a girl on his own, and his parents had to find him someone I can 100% guarantee they would have only looked at Punjabi girls.
Now keep in mind that my husband and I are both born and raised in Canada so this whole Urdu - Punjabi business means nothing to us. I mean we are both Pakistani so what does it matter and on top of that his family speaks and understands urdu very well.
My hubby has a huge family on both his mom and dad’s side and I realized after looking at ALL the people that have married into his family that I am the ONLY urdu speaking person that has ever married into his khandan.
Now please don’t get the wrong idea here, his mother is very accepting of me and we have a good relationship. She has a good relationship with my family as well. But I know if she had picked the girl herself it would have been Punjabi.
She is now looking for a guy for her daughter (my SIL) who like us, speaks mainly English and hardly speaks urdu let alone Punjabi. She can’t even say one word in Punjabi although she understands it. Finding a guy for her has not been easy as there have not been many leads. There is a person she knows who is kind of a match-maker type thing and she told this person she has a “preference for Punjabi families.”
I have seen this over and over again with Punjabi people. Why do they only prefer their own kind? Is there THAT much of a difference between urdu and Punjabi families? My mom says “mahol ka difference hotha hai and its a comfort level thing” - I honestly don’t think its THAT big a deal.
I would like to here from some Punjabis out there. Please help me understand.
Re: Why do the majority of Punjabi people have a preference for marrying Punjabis?
By "Punjabi" do you mean your family is from Punjab? I guess I'm Punjabi but my parents and cousins always spoke Urdu at home (my cousins live in Pakistan). They picked up Punjabi just growing up in Pakistan but I never really thought of it as an issue.
Re: Why do the majority of Punjabi people have a preference for marrying Punjabis?
Have you seen the “Azar ki aye gi baraat” drama series? That pretty much sums it up. It’s about a punjabi lad from faisalabad getting married to a girl from Karachi. And it portrays the differences between the two families in a hilarious stereotypical way. The punjabis are shown as loud, colorful, sometimes obnoxious kinda people. Whereas the karachiites are supposed to be all sophisticated and stuff so they really can’t stand the punjabi lot sometimes. May be that’s what your mother means when she says mahol alag hota hai etc. But if two people hit it off really well, it shouldn’t matter whether they’re punjabi or urdu-speaking. It shouldn’t be a big deal.
PS: I think some people also think of Karachi walay to be really “maadran” so if your family is on the conservative side, perhaps that’s what’s bothering them?
Re: Why do the majority of Punjabi people have a preference for marrying Punjabis?
My mom is from Bahawalpur..so she says the same thing as your mil says. It is about mahool and comfort level. And she potentially want DIL..or my future wife to be punjabi. This is her preference..but she is very accepting..
Meh, this isn't specific to Punjabis. I live in a city with a huge Memon and Karachi population...in the States. I have loads of very very good friends that are Urdu-speaking...and they ALL would prefer marriage into another Urdu-speaking family. It's all about comfort...we're all more comfortable around/with people who are more like ourselves. It applies to the majority.
Re: Why do the majority of Punjabi people have a preference for marrying Punjabis?
Agreed, lots of Punjabis have that preference for different reasons. My parents are punjabi and they prefer a punjabi munda for me. I personally grew up speaking Urdu and prefer an Urdu speaking larka. The max my parents are willing to compromise is, theek hai Punjabi na bolta ho lekin Punjab se ho, Karachi se nahi hona chahiye. They think Karachi main Indian culture and the whole 'bhaiyya' language is very prevalent and they get weirded out by that.
Re: Why do the majority of Punjabi people have a preference for marrying Punjabis?
OP I don't think it's such a big deal as you're making it out to be.
My family's from Lahore, everyone speaks Punjabi too, I understand it and can speak it but not too comfortably yet. Sometimes I wish I could speak punjabi wtih someone, but its not a big difference.
Re: Why do the majority of Punjabi people have a preference for marrying Punjabis?
CEO and Sara - I agree. I don't think it is a big deal either. I'm just wondering why she would limit her daughter's potential rishtas to only punjabis when she is already have trouble trying to find people for her. This just limits the number of potential matches. Her daughter could care less about Punjabi or urdu but somehow my MIL thinks it is important to keep it punjabi.
Re: Why do the majority of Punjabi people have a preference for marrying Punjabis?
I agree with S_Punk...........it is all about comfort.
But from what I have seen it has nothing to do if you are urdu speaking or punjabi speaking; the main worry is if the person is Punjabi (can be urdu-speaking).
Re: Why do the majority of Punjabi people have a preference for marrying Punjabis?
Ditto what S punk & Guac said. It's all about familiarity.
My nana was adamant that no girl in our khaandan be married into a non Hyderabadi family (India). His only exception to the rule were UP walay and *maybe *Bangaloris. And it pretty much stayed liked that until my sister married into Delhi walay (still Urdu speaking so it was ok) and I totally broke the molds and married into Gujarati & Kutchi speaking family (although they speak Urdu as well, it's not their mother tongue)
Though mine was a love marriage and I am born and raised here in the US,I must say that I can understand the perspective. I had a hell of a time adjusting to my inlaws and they to me. It shouldn't be a deal breaker if all other aspects of the potential rishta are acceptable but it's not a negative either to prefer to stay in ones own comfort zone.
Being married into a family & living with them is difficult in itself; both sides (in-laws + newlywed) have to make loads of adjustments for one another. If you start off already so different than one another, problems arise…communication is difficult…each side feels they’re being treated unfairly…etc etc. If you go from one home to another…where you know the next home is quite similar to yours…adjusting becomes easier, for both parties. Yeah…it makes the rishta pool smaller…but your MIL is prob thinking along those lines.
Re: Why do the majority of Punjabi people have a preference for marrying Punjabis?
Whats the issue here? I just see the word "punjabi" being mentioned at least 50 times in the OP.
I personally know group of Urdu speakers speakers who totally refuse to marry Punjabis or Pathans because of the innocent cultural familiarity thingie, but on disgusting, hateful ethnic and political grounds. But you know what generalisation is a bad bad thing!!!!
(I hope any young mind browsing these boards got the message)
This could be said for every culture out there...you are just more.comfy with your own... Kinda mentality. Not always true... But ya... Not just punjabis.
Re: Why do the majority of Punjabi people have a preference for marrying Punjabis?
This could be said for every culture out there...you are just more.comfy with your own... Kinda mentality. Not always true... But ya... Not just punjabis.
^ This. I've known plenty of people from other cultures (Telegu, Gujrati, Bengali, Mexican, Chinese, Italian etc.) whose parents also had an issue with them marrying someone whose background wasn't identical to theirs.
Re: Why do the majority of Punjabi people have a preference for marrying Punjabis?
In my experience its always been 'Urdu-speaking' people who are more concerned about getting their kids/siblings etc married in to another Urdu-speaking family.. they seem to look down on Punjabi people esp here in the UK.
Re: Why do the majority of Punjabi people have a preference for marrying Punjabis?
My husband is Punjabi and I am Urdu Speaking.. and we are both born in Pakistan.. yeah get that. So obviously there was a lot of ho ha in our families when we were getting married. Ours is an arranged marriage but my parents and his parents didn't care. I still remember the nasty remarks ppl passed when we were getting married. It was both our families, not just his. I am the first person in my cousins to get married to a Punjabi. His family had a slight prefrence for a punjabi bahu but when they met me they liked me. The next bahu is Punjabi so we are all happy :D. There is a huge cultural difference so that's why people avoid I think marrying someone from a different background. But like PCG said... this generation doesn't care.
May be that’s what your mother means when she says mahol alag hota hai etc. But if two people hit it off really well, it shouldn’t matter whether they’re punjabi or urdu-speaking. It shouldn’t be a big deal.