Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

Lifestyle Relationships
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Salaams All

Interesting discussion taking place on this subject

*Showkat as you may know being an old GS member that links to other discussion boards are not allowed which is why I have removed it from your opening post. Please add your own thoughts if you wish but refrain from directing guppies to other BB’s.

Thanks

FF*

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Re: Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

walaikum assalam

there are many reason's why some sister's wouldnt want to live with their in-laws.

The freedom to do what you want without having to consult with anyone other then your husband is one reason. A lot of girls would love to be able to come and go as they please, cook what they want, and set up their home the way they choose. When you live with your in-laws everything becomes a joint decision even with financial matters. She goes into a home that never really feels like HER home.

The other thing is privacy....everyone in the home knows what's going on. You get into an argument with your husband...everyone feels the tension. You stay in the bedroom for too long for some alone time....everyone wonders what you are doing . Last but not least there is the intimacy issue as well. You may feel too shy to be affectionate with your spouse in front of others and all forms of intimacy are confined to the bedroom (for the most part).

Most importantly so many problems arise b/w the girl and in-laws when you live in one household. Many petty arguments, misunderstandings, etc.

There is a reason for that saying "distance makes the heart grow fonder" even if by distance it means buying a house right next door to the in-laws.....at least you can get some personal space that way. Some may find all this to be selfish but in actuality it is a right that every woman should have IF she wants it.

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Re: Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

this is where the garden shed comes in handy.....

**masoom group**
**masoom group**
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Re: Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

for the intimacy part? :hmmm:
not a bad idea! :cb:

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Re: Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

yeah...yeah..ummi mmm mm me & shazia are going to do some..some gardening.....hasn't been done in ages............lads, it's not a bad idea consulting your misses when building the shed.

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Re: Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

Lol!

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Re: Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

I do agree with AE..but also most importantly what sort of a relationship the Inlaws and the DIL wants to maintain.I have seen that the Inlaws want to give privacy to the DIL as well as their son, and they do not interfere in their lives at all.
, and thus maintains the respect and dignity in the house.
Basically it is a two way street.:)

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Re: Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

yea i've seen that as well......and it does work out very well for some individuals BUT...there are bound to be problems. People have problems with their in-laws and DILs when they dont live with them...just imagine what goes on when they live in the same house. think about the kind of disputes you may have with your own siblings and parents.....similar thing happens within joint families.....the worse part is that with ur in-laws/DIL it becauses more of a sensitive issue then with your own family.

Now of course every individual is different....Ive seen many DILs and in-laws who keep their feelings to themselves and avoid confrontation at all costs....but for how long?

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Re: Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

i totally agree with Angel Eyes…its really hard to live with in laws when you r the only when compromising…both parties have to understand each other…mostly its DIL who changes herself but there a limit to that…and yeah privacy is a huge issue in a joint family…my own MIL gets worried if i am in my room for long…she always comes to my room and ask me why are your room? i mean thats sweet of her but just sometimes you want your space

i mean before getting married a girl lives with her parents knowing that she will leave them soon…so u doo everything according to ur mothers rules …after getting married you have to listen t ur MIL…live in her house with her rules…a girl needs her own house with her own rules…i think thats not alot to ask:bummer:

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Re: Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

^well said…

many girls including myself… feel this way. Sometimes I even get excited thinking about having my own home, with my own things…and it’s kinda like having your dreams shattered when you have to abide by someone else’s rules AFTER marriage and you have to buy things for the home with permission and/or consultation.

A girl must never feel like a grown adult living like this :bummer:

With that said…there are always exceptions to the rule…really depends on the individual girl and if she wants that kind of independence.

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Re: Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

nooooooooooo only bad gora-wannabe girls ask for that… :rolleyes:

I know I’ve had to adjust alot of my behaviors (like talk in a lower voice, not make so much noise mostly etc) and I’m ok with that, trying to change my ways, because hta’ts how things are there..I’m used to thing sa certain way here at my parents house, for a few years I could roam around wearing watever I wanted (coz dad wasnt’ here) but obviously I can’t do that at my inlaws house, nor would I ever “fight” to do so…i’m not gonna be arrogant and yell and scream and talk loudly on purpose because i’m insulted that I have to change my behavior!

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Re: Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

You know what? I was just looking through the macy’s catalog and I’ve decided that before I go to Canada I will buy some things for our room!

My parents have said that hteyll buy us the stuff (furniture, bartan, etc) when we get our own place but Allah jaaNay when that will be. So instead of lamenting over the fact htat Ill have to wait to buy the kind of stuff I want, I might as well just buy a few things here and there and just use/enjoy them while I’m there!

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Re: Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

The thing is AE think about future implications.Here in the west if there is a good relationship with the inlaws, and the inlaws r good with the DIL...I think ultimately it benefits the kids..meaning their grandkids...Just remember how many things the kids learn here being so displaced in a society which ofcourse we dont believe is our own(assuming that we r living in a non desi community)...and some Barha who truly cares for their welfare would try to undo those learnt behaviours and also add to their knowledge.I remember that my nani(I dont have a dadi:()...taught me namaz ...also the innumerable stories and poems...the ones that r not taught in school vagera..:)
..I would think that if both of the parents and the son/daugher in law have mutual respect towards each other ...it is not a big of a sacrifice as considered.Most importantly its the relationship with the husband...becuz he ultimately is the person that makes the relationship work or not..both ways.

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Re: Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

I noticed smething interesting, we complain so much about how jahez is a paindu/old tradition, it needs ot be eliminated etc..but at hte same time you’re giving the reasons that if u go to inlaws home ure using THEIR stuff…Well, if you didn’t bring in any jahez, then what did you think ull be using :smiley: I know that there are jahil families that will DEMAND things fro teh girls side and isolated incidents where bad things happen to bahus who don’t bring in much, but I really believe that they are isolated incidents…

Part of the reason I think girls parents send her off with stuff before she marries is so that she feels certain things in her in-laws home are HERS, it helps her ease into the new life/new home…its like, everybody is eating off of the plates that I brought into the home, the furniture in our home is of MY choice etc..instead of feeling resentful abt it, I’d appreciate that…if I cook, I want to cook for everyone, I think it’s rude to just cook for husband and leave everyone else on their own…Most women nowadays don’t expect their bahus to take on ALLLLLLLL the housework from day one while they sit back and relax…esp if its a joint family system, one has to be eased into it… Mashallah se, my mother in law is like that, its not like I was scrubbing toilets whilE I still had the mehndi on my hands :cb:

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Re: Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

MATTER OF PERSONAL CHOICE, SISTER IS NOT DOING ANYTHING UNISLAMIC BY NOT LIVING WITH IN-LAWS.

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Re: Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

Families are great but having your own space and home is even better. It is possible to want your own space and still love your in-laws.

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Re: Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

I totally agree....grandparents can teach kids many things but these things can be taught to kids without having to live in a joint family. Afterall kids dont live in school right? Also there are some things that your in-laws or parents might teach your kids that you may not necessarily agree with which can also cause problems especially when living in the same home.

also.....the relationship b/w the husband and wife may be great but if there are problems with the in-laws then it can cause a huge burden on the relationship. I've seen perfectly good relationships that ended in divorce because in-law issues couldnt be resolved.

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Re: Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

I guess u have seen something like that in reallife, and I perfectly know what u mean.It can cause a great deal of stress if the effect is on the personal relationship of a husband and wife. U know I really believe that this is where the bharhe of the family..the head of the Family has to get up in leadership role and do what is the best for the whole family in general...I mean for the welfare of the whole family do it can co exist...and for that matter exist.I have met with a wonderful lady whose son got married a couple of years ago.She said I have made them live them seperately ..I was baffled as this is seen less and less in our culture.SHe explained that it is so much better to live close by and not together before the ties are cut or aik dosre ki shakal bhi nahi dekhiaan with a heavy heart.This was her decision ..and she was saying that becuz of this the respect in her DIL 's eyes has increased a lot. I think if a husband already know how the habit of his parent are..and that there will be a clash in personalities..then it is best not for both to be put into that spot...for everybody's sake:)...and u r right about the role of grandparents being met if they r not living together..(at least wat abt close by...desi Everybody loves Raymond)

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Re: Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

well said guys, good points brought ought--i have lived with my in laws for a long time and will soon again have to deal with it--and not to mention the set of parents include a single dewar as well (whom my inlaws treat like a 2year old when he is 30+). I have kids of my own now and I am mentally training myself from now to have the strength to let them have their own lives and homes when they get married. Ofcourse if they choose to live with us our house will be open but we will not put restraints on them. Reason for this my own experience--my in laws' constant pressure of all brothers need to be under same roof--for such a long time we did that and the elder brother moved out with wife fighting, in laws and me and my husband are on different page--completely infact sometimes i feel like we are on different books if you know what i mean.
I think it is best to live close to each other in different homes so you love everyone instead of "sath main rehna sath main rehna and you end up fighting and hating each other and in many cases when you move out you never communicate again".
Problem is: parents in law and many parents as well are so so dependant on kids--especially when they come from pakistan or do the back and forth pakistan and USA. They are so so dependant on kids can't do anything--they don't work, or anything for that matter. If you get them a place of their own first it would be the greatest insult for them and then if they get past that it is a huge expense...

anyhow post running long will continue later.....got to put kids to bed...

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Re: Why do some sisters prefer not to live with in-laws?

It's a woman's personal decision whether or not to live with her in-laws, and something that Islam definitely does not encourage. Be thankful that a girl is willing to say up-front that she wants to live on her own. It's much better that she is honest rather than manipulative later. Everyone has rights and responsibilities, the best solution is to find a house close by to both of your parents so that you can balance the rights of your wife with the responsibilities that you both have to your parents.