Our family has had its fair share of troubles over the last 6-7 years, my mum and dad have always been the centre of arguments, blamed for things they havent done, accused of saying things they never said but they never let their problems affect us kids. We were always encouraged to maintain the same relationships with our cousins, which I did. I treat them like my brothers and sisters and still do but they’ve changed. I’m no longer included in things, stuff is hidden from me and my family. My cousin got married, everyone was emailed wedding pictures…I wasn’t. My cousin got engaged everyone was informed…I wasn’t. On wednesday it was my cousins birthday, I got him a present, rang him and wished him but wasn’t invited to come over…why? Becuase they were having a birthday party and didn’t want my family there. Despite all of this, the s*** they give me, my behaviour towards them hasnt changed one bit. If theyre gonna treat me like a stranger, why do I still care for these b****es? When they’re in trouble I’m the first person they call, instead of turning them away I help them. But why? Why do I keep going back to them when they treat me like an outsider? I’m so annoyed right now, with them and myself. They keep these secrets from me, thinking I wont find out…but I do. And it hurts, it really does. How can I stop caring about them…?
You know why you keep going back to them? Well, it's because they are your family. And it's human nature that we instinctively expect better from our family. Often times, when a family member behaves badly....it's more shocking than a friend behaving badly. Because u expect better from your own blood. And if at one point in time you USED TO HAVE a good relationship with your cousins.....then you got used to them treating you nicely...and you end up going back to them.
But i will tell you that from my experience.....I've learned the same thing as you:** "Just because they are your family, doesn't mean that you are guaranteed respect." **You can't control the way others act...but you can control the way you react to situations. If you honestly feel that you're tired of their bull crap, then this is what I suggest:
1) Talk to them about their behavior face to face. Start the discussion of in a positive way. Tell your cousins that you enjoy their company and bring up their positive qualities (friendliness, humor, etc) that you like. Then tell them that lately you feel that your relationship is becoming one-sided because you feel like you're being excluded from family events.....and that you try to connect with them and you feel like you're being pushed away. SAY THIS FACE TO FACE.....and see what they have to say. If you cousins care about you, they'll try to mend their mistakes and reconnect with you.
2) After having this discussion, if your cousins don't change at all and continue to treat you like dirt.....then just maintain a distance from them. Have some respect for yourself and find people who respect you back. That doesn't mean that you have to ignore them completely. But just maintain a distance from them. Life is too short to try and figure out the reason behind people's mood swings. No what I mean? And you don't want the constant headache of trying to decode their inconsistent shady behavior. It's not healthy for you to be in a relationship where you're being treated wrongly. So maintain a distance. And lemme tell you something from experience: Your cousins may be too stubborn to realize their mistakes. So don't wait for them. Move on and liberate yourself. It will hurt in the beginning, but I'm telling you from experience that eventually you're not going to care that much.
blahh! dnt u hate it when that happens.
khair just remember that there is a limit to where you can take things.. a limit to where you can let things slide and not be included.. however i think its way past that. so you need to stop! stop caring, stop being nice and stop takin their calls when they cme running to you for help. If they cant respect your parents and ur family and include u in anything and everything; you have to stop respecting them. Its a 2 way street always!!
mysticalrain has made a simple and excellent point. Every relationship is a two way street. Meaning it should be mutual. And if it's a one-sided relationship....then try talking to the other person. And if that doesn't work, time to say good bye and finder more positive people to hang out with.
oh kuri i have and still going thruu all this...my father is a kind man ..he always helped his sister /brothers and theier kids..and he always teach us to do the same with them...
and they never give us such effort....even they always do our back biting and ciriticize...and at some points i was sick and tired to be good person...i dont even wanted to talk with theem...u know they ( cousins ) always made fun of my cloths my talking style even they i EAT..can u beleive???
but still my father want us to be good with them...i hate them ...i dont want to do any thing good with them,,but im doing,,,,only for my fathers sake,,,b'cz he is ver loving and caring persong ( GOD bless him ) and i dont want to listen from any one that Baap itna acha aur beti seedhe mouh bat nahi karti ya rude hai....so dont worry what they r doing with u..one day u will get reward from ALLAH ..not from themm...every thng u do is beetwen u and ALLAH..it was / is never beetwn u or them....
but i know its hard to see and feel...some times it made me cry when i listen from people that they wre making fun of me and my everything...so u r not alone my dear :(
^ Kinzz, confident people usually don't feel the need to make fun of others. ** BUT*, people who are insecure feel the need to make fun of others so they can feel good about themselves. It's another word for jealousy. You have many qualities that they secretly must admire but they don't want to admit it to you or themselves because that would be **WAY TO HARD* for their egos. So, they take the easy way out....which is jealousy and backbiting.
^ yes RV u r rite i know they r jealous...when ever my mom listen all this she gets so mad and she says to my father " jo hamare bacho ke dushman hai hamari family ka acha kabhi soch hi nahi sakte"..and i know she is right...but still they are my father's sister and brothers and their kids...so my father always try to keep us claim and "Mutamain"..
and i know if i / we will act like them so there will be no different beetwen us and them...and i dont care about them..im happy i have an adorable parents who love me...then why shud i care about my cousins???
Our family has had its fair share of troubles over the last 6-7 years, my mum and dad have always been the centre of arguments, blamed for things they havent done, accused of saying things they never said but they never let their problems affect us kids. We were always encouraged to maintain the same relationships with our cousins, which I did. I treat them like my brothers and sisters and still do but they've changed. I'm no longer included in things, stuff is hidden from me and my family. My cousin got married, everyone was emailed wedding pictures...I wasn't. My cousin got engaged everyone was informed...I wasn't. On wednesday it was my cousins birthday, I got him a present, rang him and wished him but wasn't invited to come over...why? Becuase they were having a birthday party and didn't want my family there. Despite all of this, the s*** they give me, my behaviour towards them hasnt changed one bit. If theyre gonna treat me like a stranger, why do I still care for these b****es? When they're in trouble I'm the first person they call, instead of turning them away I help them. But why? Why do I keep going back to them when they treat me like an outsider? I'm so annoyed right now, with them and myself. They keep these secrets from me, thinking I wont find out...but I do. And it hurts, it really does. How can I stop caring about them...?
I think you simply care about your family a lot and value the bonds between relatives. You want to keep your khandan together and that isnt a bad thing...its a great thing.
Listen, you can only control your own actions...no one else's...always remember that as long as you live. You have no control over what your cousins do but you do have control over yourself and what you do. So, continue to be a good cousin and make the efforts once in a while. Dont be the one to sever the relationships and then regret it later...stay as you are. The only thing I would do is lessen the frequency of your interactions now so you arent hurt so much. Just be yourself...:)
You know the saying....you can pick your friends but you can't pick your relatives*. Kurri.*...I say you should find an amazing friend to make up for each crummy relative you have....just to balance things out. It's funny how some friends can be more sincere than relos. LOL :)
Kurri, I am the cousin who shares nothing with my other cousins - any special occassion, event in my life is kept to myself and my immediately family strictly. I know eventually they'll find out but I hope when they do, they'll realise that I chose not to tell them, thus, I want them a certain degree away from me and my life. So there, I am that evil cousin.
I wasn't always like this - but excessive nosiness and lame comments about everything that makes me happier kind of turned me off of 'sharing goodnews' with extended family.
Our family has had its fair share of troubles over the last 6-7 years, my mum and dad have always been the centre of arguments, blamed for things they havent done, accused of saying things they never said but they never let their problems affect us kids. We were always encouraged to maintain the same relationships with our cousins, which I did. I treat them like my brothers and sisters and still do but they've changed. I'm no longer included in things, stuff is hidden from me and my family. My cousin got married, everyone was emailed wedding pictures...I wasn't. My cousin got engaged everyone was informed...I wasn't. On wednesday it was my cousins birthday, I got him a present, rang him and wished him but wasn't invited to come over...why? Becuase they were having a birthday party and didn't want my family there. Despite all of this, the s*** they give me, my behaviour towards them hasnt changed one bit. If theyre gonna treat me like a stranger, why do I still care for these b****es? When they're in trouble I'm the first person they call, instead of turning them away I help them. But why? Why do I keep going back to them when they treat me like an outsider? I'm so annoyed right now, with them and myself. They keep these secrets from me, thinking I wont find out...but I do. And it hurts, it really does. How can I stop caring about them...?
behen! aajkal baahir k log khandan waalon se ziada achay aur sagay hotay hn. khandan walay to ab saamp aur bichu ki tarah dung martay hn. hona ye chahiye k ap khandan me se jo apki care kerta hai uskay sath bohot acha raho, aur jo nahe kerta usay khuda hafiz and get lost kaho usi tarah jis tarah wo apse kertay hn. ap koi un pe dependent to nahe ho ya mang ker to nahe khatay. humari family me bhi same app wala system hai aur im the eldest cousin in my family and same was done with us. and now i said get lost to my such family members and cousins and started to dvelop new friends from outside. and believe me they are much more good and honest to me as compared to my own family cousins.
aaj khandan bhi sirf daulat ko hi dekhtay hn jiskay paas daulat aa gai to sb uskay pichay pichay aur agar nahe ayi to koi usay ghaas tk nahe dalta.
ab mujhse meri khala aur chachi ne bhi isi liay milna bund ker diya hai bcoz wo baat baat pe tanz aur jhagrda kerti theen aur mein unki zuban mein unko karay kararay jwab deta tha.
lehaaza dont take care of those who do not deserve to be cared and who do not value anyone's care. just live your life aur agar khandan me koi bhi apkay ammi ya abbu ko nakarda gunahon ka ilzaam ayad karay to unhen thoak k kararay kararay jwab do unhi ki zuban me taakeh unhe bhi apkay waaledein ki aur aplogon ki ahmiyat ka ehsas ho k yes you are also here. not only they are but also you.
OH WOW, my own relatvie were like that with my mother and father. my father brought his sisters and brothers up when he was only 15, he was the eldest. he used to do everything for them, feed them give them money and even bought them their first car/paid off their debts etc...and now they all dont give a damn....if my dad has something they all jealous and if theres an issue they will call him first. otherwise they dont bother. its not said/done to his face directly its all indirect. and my mothers inlaws treated her very badly in the beginning...as did her sister in laws etc....that was 20 years ago.
my mother and father kept being ncie and genuine with them, never turned them away and have always been there. now after all these years my Moms MIL is nice as pie to her, people have changed abit but not much, but enough to respect her now.and my father. they both tolerated for 20 yrs and THEN they got respect.
see ME, I SAW my mom cry all the time when i was younger and i know what my fathers been through, so me im different, i dnt need to tolerate anything for any amount of time. i jst dont care what they say/ or do....the only way to come out stronger is ignore them, and if you want to say anything to them, NEVER BE RUDE just say it all with a smile....if you go to them wheever they want you theyl know your always there like a doormat....so walk away and be busy.....get some self respect and ignore them. at the end of the day, you own no one obligations like this.
so roll your eyes and walk girl....ignore. this is life, and we got to get used to it. if you cant beat em join em....so do as they do....dont be a doormat pleasee....