Why desi parents do this

Lifestyle Relationships
1

If you’re a girl and your parents are typical desis, chances are you’ve heard something like this before at least ONCE in your lifetime:

*You can go out with friends when you’re married.

You can wear that outfit when you’re married

You can cook these things when you’re married.

You can visit that city/state/country when you’re married.

You can decorate your house/room the way you want when you’re married.
*

Over time, you slowly build an expectation of what married life will be like. Of course you know there’s much more to married life but these are just some of hte things you’re looking forward to, and its natural to want to save a few things to do with your spouse. So you get married.

But now:

**You moved away/dont have any friends/friends aren’t important anymore.

You can’t dress the way you want at home because you live wiht in laws/you don’t go anywhere fancy so you have no use for those kaam walay joray that you so excitingly picked out.

You cook according to the way your husband likes it.

You don’t travel because your spouse doesn’t like to/you can’t afford it/you dont’ have time etc

You can’t decorate your home because its not yours/your inlaws have already decorated it/your husband gasp has an opinion on decor that doesn’t match with yours
**

And then these girls who had any expectations are disappointed because some (or all) of the things they were looking forward to didn’t pan out and they have a hard time adjusting. They have a hard time being flexible because they weren’t shown much flexibility throughout their life (you know…those parents telling htem they can do falan falan after shadi)

I admit, maybe those examples are a tad shallow (clothes, cooking, etc) but it’s more than just being able to wear or cook what you want that I have a problem with.

Its the underlying belief that life begins after marriage that leads to problems. Yes, the life you build with your spouse begins after marriage–**not the life you envisioned when you were alone. **

Why don’t parents realize that their daughters will be much better off–emotionally, mentally, socially etc–when they stop making them believe that life begins (and ends) at marriage.

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Re: Why desi parents do this

dont u see? they want to turn women/girls into robots and thats just the beginning

3

Re: Why desi parents do this

guess it's just those parents' way of protecting their girls.

4

Re: Why desi parents do this

But how is it protection? What are they protecting them from?

If it's the specific issue of dressing or going out, they can address that seperately....why connect it to marriage?

5

Re: Why desi parents do this

yeah it's weird. For married girls they have a totally different criteria like a married woman should always wear gold.

6

Re: Why desi parents do this

Yeah. Marriage has its own restrictions too, you're not completely free there either....you;'re still answerable to husband/in-laws too.

7

Re: Why desi parents do this

Girls got fooled by their moms.......thats all :D

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Re: Why desi parents do this

My parents were the opp.... They allowed me to live life to the fullest (course within some boundaries)... U cant put life on hold...some desi auntis and uncles did have an issue as seeing me do things was making their daughters rebelious.... When confrontdwith that mentality about life starting after marriage, my dad told them " what if their life ends after marriage? Any guarantee their naseebs are good with loving husbands and caring families that wish for their best and give them even more than we could? No. Thwre isnt. So why not provide the happiest life we can for them and let them do what they want .... So atleast they dont have any regrets or sadness over not having had the chance to live their lives?"

Shut them up for good! Didnt change their ways towards their daughtwrs though...sadly

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Re: Why desi parents do this

That is precisely what I mean...I hope this mentality is changing now and more parents think like this!

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Re: Why desi parents do this

Older generations of Desi parents thought that if they let girls live their lives they wouldn't want to get married in the first place. They tied independence and happiness to marriage.

My mom sometimes use to say these things but my dad was total opposite.

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Re: Why desi parents do this

Sara I agree with you completely and unfortunately its a sad reality of the desi culture … I am glad my parents didnt try to trap me in the shadi bubble … but i know cousins and most girls i look around are in the bubble where they keep thinking shadi is the start to a proper life .. after shadi they realize the goodness only lasts a few months and then restrictions kick in … ye nai kerna wo nai kerna etc …

I hope we will all be better parents to our children one day and will be able to understand the implications of trapping girls in the shadi bubble :no:

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Re: Why desi parents do this

Yeah that happened with me … I had a clear vision of who i wanted to be with and where I wanted to be in life … because of this i couldnt just easily give in to the idea of shadi and delayed it until i found the right person and all the buzrugs in the family ended up cursing my independence as they said ab is ko akele rene ki adat ho gai hai bi etc etc :no:

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Re: Why desi parents do this

tl;dr :-/

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Re: Why desi parents do this

Our parents are fed up of our na-jaiz and stupid demands like wearing particular outfit (which one of our friends if wearing but they won't allow us because they won't approve of such dressing); when we ask our parents why they would allow our brother to stay out late at night and not us and other demands.

So its just their way of putting us off by saying you will have all the freedom in the world when you will be married so just wait for those days. Our desi parents are very smart :D

But in many ways, my parents did give me some freedom like I am to choose whether to do hijab or not; what lenght of hair to keep; wear high heels or not etc as my mom says who knows your husband/ in-laws may not be approving of these things and you will have to live according to their desires; so you can have your choice in these small matters :D

So we have to live according to our parents' wishes before shadi and then according to our husbands/ in-laws wishes after shadi. But it has its own charm :)

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Re: Why desi parents do this

I agree CB. I got married considerably early though. I had to find a guy that actually liked a super independent woman.

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Re: Why desi parents do this

Can I join the crowd?

Well, my family didn't let me become an air hostess, they thought it wasn't a decent job to do.

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Re: Why desi parents do this

that's what the OP is saying that it's not smart at all. It causes major resentment later on in life if you don't get that freedom after you are married.

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Re: Why desi parents do this

Are the parents only source of information of what married life is like??

Don’t the girls see for themselves how other married women are living and whether they have the freedom or not?? :konfused:

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Re: Why desi parents do this

Do you still wish to do that? Do you agree or disagree with them now.

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Re: Why desi parents do this

Desi Parents just don't want their girls to be very independent. I think parents just want to make girls get used to the restriction which they are going to face when they are married.