Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

Lifestyle Wedding, Fashion & Beauty
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I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately – who gets to decide what the feel of a wedding will be. Is it the bride? Is it the groom? Do they decide together? What about in cases of arranged or pseudo-arranged marriages, when the bride and groom may know each other, but may still feel shy about speaking honestly about disagreeing with each other?

What about the role of the parents and extended family? How far should their desires, visions, conveniences be considered?

In my case, I held firm on what was really important to me (having it in Karachi, and having as much of my family present as possible). But the other decisions my parents and his parents made. Unfortunately some of it was even out of their hands (apparently it’s a foreign concept in Karachi for a bride and groom to have the nikkah done together and I was shut away upstairs). But overall the wedding was beautiful and I was happy with it, even though I didn’t get to see the venue or my clothes, etc before the time of the wedding itself.

How firm should we be about what we want (and have always wanted)? And how much should this day be the first of many, many compromises in the marriage?

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Re: Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

the ONE thing that karachi waale loog should change is the whole concept of the guys side buying both the shaadi and valima outfits.... i've seen some prettey wierd looking lenghas on brides (and i know they would never have picked those out had they gone shopping!).

And I am not assuming that the guys side wants to be cheap, but its just that ppl may have different tastes as to what looks good and what doesn't!

Apparently its too rude 4 the girl's side to ask otherwise. But one thing is FOR sure, I am going to make every effort to pre-book the place where i wanna get my makeup done from... there is no way anyone is taking me to Mah Rose!!!!!!!!!

kaash ye choices hamare haat mein ho ti :(

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Re: Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

You know what, it does look incredibly rude to say anything. but kya kar sakte hain, its not easy, either you put urself in an awkward situation to object and potentially piss off the future in laws but be fully satisfied w/ what you get... or stay quiet in the pretext of being the good "bahu" and risk looking like an ass (sorry to be so blunt) on ur wedding!

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Re: Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

Well even if I'd gotten married here in NY, it still wouldn't have gone how I wanted it to b/c of my family. So I'm very grateful that my nand took all the responsibility of arranging everything in Toronto (she did alot of work, mashallah and it went so well!) I kind of wish I'd taken care of the shopping though (on both ends!), but that meant having to delay the wedding...which I didn't want to. Even though there are things that I kinda wish had been different, i still have fond memories of the wedding and will alwyas remember that time, the good and the "bad" things.. :)

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Re: Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

i know... i get a feeling that i'll have to suck it up, put a smile on my face and pretend to be a satisfied "bahu". Khair... i really like my hone waali MIL so inshallah no need to pretend after marriage :)

but plzzzz, not Mah Rose.... :(

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Re: Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

i dunno, i find this a pretty old-fashioned stance. no one in my family has that happening any more- whether they're bride or groom. everyone understands how special a wedding day is for the bride and to pick out her own clothes and jewellery is part of the fun of planning things. the MILs give money and the bride's shop.

and i think if you're marrying their son, you should be able to discuss at least your wedding clothes, style and jewellery with your future in-laws. you dont have to barge in there and demand things are done your way, but you can certainly show them colors and styles and options that you prefer and guide them in the right direction. in the best case scenario, you should be able to sit with them and request you make your own clothes if thats what you want. i mean, they're already making so much bari for you according to their own taste, the wedding clothes should be something you can participate in.

as for the rest, again in my experience, regardless of whether its been a completely arranged marriage or a "love marriage", the couple has always planned everything themselves. they participate in the cost with their parents, so why shouldn't they participate in the planning? i think its mainly a question of personal taste and family environment. if you're not comfortable planning your own wedding, you can ask for help. and if you are, then you do it.

i just find that planning a wedding can be pretty stressful as it is, and when you are in the middle of it, trying to sort out your own feelings about how you want your wedding to be, and negotiating with all of those vendors and trying to stay within budget- there's enough pressure to get things right.
the last thing you need is either set of parents or family "suggesting" alternatives for you to do things their way.

despite the stresses, i had a great time planning my wedding, its a set of memories and experiences i will cherish forever, right up there with my actual wedding day, and let me tell you, its an awesome feeling when people tell you what a wonderful wedding you've planned and how much fun they're having. it makes the whole experience come full circle and gives you a warm and fuzzy feeling inside :)

The Random Thread
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Re: Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

it is my wedding and so far i have had no say i am sooo pissed off i hate all the rishtedaars and dont want them there bt i guess they will be .

i am fine with the clothes and the venue but i wish i was organising it myself
sometimes i think i should have run away and had a nice quiet wedding without all this crap

and im talking abt arrangement from my side , my fiance's side is lovely and he is soo involved with the prep and has a say in everything

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Re: Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

There is plenty of stuff I would have done differently. And certainly my clothes would have been different. Maybe a little heavier, maybe more typically bridal. My MIL really wanted to surprise me -- to her that was part of the fun of being a bride and she didn't want to change that custom. And I do really like my clothes, even though they don't look like what I would've picked.

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Re: Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

Yeah it is quite old fashioned, but sometimes one just doesn't have a choice.
And yes, i've deff changed my tune after the last time we had this discussion :o

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Well...I dropped major hints, took a lot of clippings and showed them to my MIL....she got the hint, still teases me about that!

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lol! im glad it worked out for you, shah! :)

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Re: Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

I had a say in the jahez clothes, the decorations, the events unfolding etc. I even decided the walima menu. But my walima clothes and jewellery were bought by my inlaws. I guess i am lucky they have good taste and almost everyone who saw the pics told me my dress looked better on the walima (it was a totally diff color combo, something that i probably wouldnt have picked out). It was a ferozi/shocking pink pishwaaz and everyone liked it. They even brought two pairs of shoes and two sets of jewellery so i could choose from them. I appreciated that alot. The mehendi dress was also nice but if it was upto me, i would have picked out something else in different colors. But i guess it was ok. My siblings made it up by doing awesome decorations for me.

ON the other hand, there were some things that i wish were different. After the walima, i had to rush and pack to leave the hotel and spend the night at my parents house, per tradition, something called maklawa. I know in Pak it works out ok but it was kind of impractical and stressed me out pretty good.

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Re: Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

We also did a muklava but differently, since we were all in canada, my parents just paid for the hotel room the night after hte valima…I think the muklava is a dying custom, very few ppl will do ti here, its still very common in pakistan though..

those two weeks i did so much pakcing and unpacking and stayed in so many hotels… still remember it :hinna:

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Re: Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

^ so what exactly is it? why is it done... i come from karachi and I have NEVER heard of it... just curious to know... or is it something that is inherent in a particular racial group? thanks

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Re: Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

Well a muclava is when after the valima, the bride and groom spend a night at the girls' house. I don't know what the reasoning is, and from what i've heard from ppl here, i guess its mostly punjabis who do that.. but ic ould be wrong abt the last part!

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Re: Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

so both bride and groom spend the valima night at the parents, or just the girl? i know that my aunt did that way back when and then the day after... oh wait, we went to pick her up from in laws the morning after her rukhsati, i.e. shaadi, not valima. this muklava thing is different, isn't it?

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Re: Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

people have nothing better to do but to impose their traditions on
the nely marrying couple.
the event is a sacred bonding between the two, yet it becomes the epilogue of blunders by the overly keen, rishtey darr and aziz who would wish they were getting married, and since they are not, they project their desired effects on the new couple.
here is what might make sense.

  1. witnesses are necessary, but not an army of them.
  2. food & reception can be simple, does not at all have to look like a show room of purpose-less extravagance.
  3. the marital contract clauses are for both and both should decide what binds them in this sacred contract that better be fair to both.
  4. invitation cards, mehdhi, photo shoots and extremely expensive make up for the bride is an utter waste of money, it could be done simply instead of.
  5. bride and the groom ought to be able to have their absolute say in how they would like to have their wedding & are entitled to their privacy.
  6. close family and friends as truly well wishing people can congregate but not the jealous, unhappy people who wont stop short to create poison in the hearts of the two who have not begun their married life as yet. hope is that people check themselves when they do the imposition on a new marrying couple. but for the two to be able to do so, they first need to know each other and stand by each other.

best,

Dushwari

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Re: Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

no no the bride and groom spend the night together! Ok this is how my cousin explained it to me like years ago, for my mamoo/cousins' wedding in 96 (and it stuck to me):

Baraat day, we (from the guys' side) bring the bride home
Valima day, her family takes her (and the groom) back
Muklava day, we bring her back home.

Muklava is not a big deal over here, b/c of the whole friday-saturday-sunday setup here in the states and canada... but in pak, its very wellknown and done, but its not as fancy, like its mostly a home affair wiht all the ghar-walay, of course she dresses up as much as she wants to, in any of her barri/jahez dresses..

I don't kwno what the real , traditional significance of this is....

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Re: Whose Wedding is it Anyway?

Ya know, i'm getting kind of tired of all the "why spend so much money on weddings," self righteousness going on here... what if the bride WANTS that photo shoot and gorgeous dress and makeup? What if she wants that invitation that she will keep as a memento? who is anyone to take that away from her?

I know ppl who had very simple, quick weddings and while they were ok w/ it at the time, now they absolutely regret it b/c they wish they could've had proper wedding...

IF the couple is fine w/ having a simple wedding then by all means, but if their parents are willingly paying for a fancier function, then why not? IMO if one isn't spending the money then they have no right to complain about others who are.

And also, i donno abt u guys, but some wedding rasams, like doodh pilai, godh bhatai, etc are just for fun and happiness...not every fun thing abt our weddings (music, color, rasams etc) should be eradicated..

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sara: to your response to mine- well you learn something new every day! :) thanks for clearing that up!

dushwari: people should be able to do what they want, how they want - especially with weddings. if they want the big party and reception, then good for them! if they want it to be simple, then thats great too. so long as the couple is happy, what difference does it make to anyone else? telling people what to do, whether its to be extravagant, or chiding them for being extravagant- they're both equal to imposing your view on someone else. i dont think theres a right or wrong when it comes to planning weddings- so long as people remember the significance of the event and actually end up getting married, who cares how much money is spent or not? ultimately the couple and the parents and immediate family involved in the wedding are the ones who's day it is, not the next door aunty's gossip circle.