I was never really against marriage, but I never believed that marriage should be the ultimate goal for everyone. Lately though, I have been wanting to get married (knowing that I have found the right man). I have no idea how to convince my parents. Seeing people getting married right and left is somewhat making me feel awkward, especially those of my age.
Out of all four daughters, my parents never really trusted ME and I don’t have a problem with that. It has just made me doubtful of my own decisions as I grew up. Seeing where everything is going at this point, I will never be able to convince them. I can’t friggin’ talk to anybody about my life because it’s so damn messed up (somewhat recovering though). It’s just too much to say. I am not asking anybody for an advice on how to convince them, it’s just a weird feeling that I thought I would never have. I would like to know how many of you feel this way about shadi and what are your “coping strategies”?
Marriage for me is an inevitability; we reach a certain age; we see someone that we can get along with and we get married. All this idea of soulmate and “madly in love” cliches are only games and fantasies for adults. Perhaps a pessimistic view but I’m afraid thats how life is.
I have/had (not sure which applies) a friend say to me once “Aneel, marriage is just a license to have sex”. I’m not sure if he was totally wrong (but I’m not saying he was totally right either).
(I dunno if this response is close to what you were looking for but I posted it anyway)
Marraige is phsychologically , emotionally and phyciscally good thing that can happen to someone. parents should make all out efforts to marry off children when they are ready for it. and keep expectation/ demands limited
Infact everyone of us should keep our expectaions very low (from people). the higher the expectation the higher would be disappointment. Lower expectation keeps our mind and soul content as when we get more than our expectation we thank Allah and earn reward for being grateful. in case of higher expectaion we always complain, and never realised how much blessed we are.
Hazrat Moussa (a.s.) asked Allah (swt): Ya Allah, give me some commands for my people..
Allah (swt): O Moussa, tell them to remember me
Hazrat Moussa (a.s.) : Ya Allah, give me some more commands
Allah (swt): O Moussa, tell them to remember their mothers
Hazrat Moussa (a.s.) : Ya Allah, give me more commads
Allah (swt) : O Moussa, tell them to remember their mothers
Hazrat Moussa (a.s.): Ya Allah, please tell me more commands
Allah (swt) : O Moussa, tell them to remember their fathers
So the point is that after Allah (swt), our farz towards our mother is twice as much as to our father. As such, how can we, as children, not do everything in our power to look after our parents in their old age?
I think expectations of your own, Allah given children is justified.
You are talking from a different perspective. Taking care of parents is duty of children, no doubt about it, but i am talking from parents perspective.
For instance when i become an old parent. I should not expect from childrens to be extraordinary obiedient and give time in same proportion as I gave them when they werer young. Instead i would pray to allah to keep me well and self reliant so i am not a burden on anyone. If they (children) turn out to be caring and loving then it should be a termed as a blessing and bounty of God rather then my right.
Its just like looking at less privileged, when you feel down...
Why is our farz toward our mother greater than to our father? And what does religion have to do this with this? Desi mothers, who typically do not work or work part-time, generally take care of the child's emotional needs while the father feeds and provides. As per Maslow's hierarchy, the exigent needs are physiological and then safety concerns. Love/belonging are tertiary. We owe greater debt to fathers for ensuring and perpetuating our survival than mothers. What mothers do can be bought - a nanny to change diapers, a cook to assemble a lasagne, a maid to iron clothes and dust, a wet nurse to breastfeed, extended relatives to coo and coddle. Even that money requires the father.
There is a reason why female-headed families (single mother) tend to be mired in poverty and perpetuate poverty to their progeny and foster an environment ripe for delinquency, drug use, statutory crimes. Put a father in the picture and life chances, and thus happiness, stability, etc improve.
^
The mother rears (not to mention suffers)…the father provides..providing is abstract, while rearing is personal. My uncle or any joe blow off the street was just as well capable of providing for us as our father…not to mention the state itself. That’s rather impersonal…
And religion has a lot to do with it if you’re religious…:halo:
Out of all four daughters, my parents never really trusted ME and I don't have a problem with that. It has just made me doubtful of my own decisions as I grew up. Seeing where everything is going at this point, I will never be able to convince them.
Sorry, I'm a bit slow today..not following...convince them that the one you want to marry is a good choice?
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I can't friggin' talk to anybody about my life because it's so damn messed up (somewhat recovering though). It's just too much to say.
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Bottom line is, if there's anything you regret, move on. Nobody really does need to know about it...if you feel compelled to "come clean" to your prospective spouse....I feel you don't have to. Not if it's in the past, and not if it's anything that can't comback to haunt you both...
[FONT=Times New Roman]As a bachelor girl, I would say, NEVER get married
[FONT=Times New Roman]As a Muslim Girl I would say follow your parent’s wishes they have the best wisdom and pray to Allah SWT for YOURSELF…
[FONT=Times New Roman]As a doctor to be, I would say… do it for the sustenance of life… does it really matter to whom???
Some people would say, I’m conflicted…lol
I totally agree with you, Code_Red. The level of expectations does affect how you look at someone. My parents always compare me to my BADEE BEHEN in everything -from being responsible to being obedient. I am sure I am not the only sister who feels that way. Anyway, I do believe that everyone is different and no one should be told to be like someone. THAT’S one expectation that ticks me off the most. MANAA bohat kamchor aur gherzimedar hoon magar itni buri bhi nahi hun…
I simply told my folks, her case was a little diff so we had to involve some elders from her side, and then made it seem like my aunt talked to her aunt etc. her folks later found out that we knew each other and the official channel contact was all set up by my parents who were completey in on it and one of her aunts.
There are ways, parenst want to see u happy, sometimes they dont understand or cant relate..but you can get thru to them, and if not..there are other ways.
Well.. for one, everyone is different and whether you accept it or not, most parents do play favoritism. They pick the best and compare the rest to them. NOT RIGHT! I don't say parents should limit their expectations but they need to see their individuality and not set some standard for them to be judged with. Besides, having done everything for YOUR child should not be a reason for any parent to rub in the fact every now and then that they are THEIRS for them to do everything they want them to do. I know parents jinhone bache sirf apne kaam kaaj ke liye peda kiye hain... and they don't ever encourage or appreciate what they do.
I simply told my folks, her case was a little diff so we had to involve some elders from her side, and then made it seem like my aunt talked to her aunt etc. her folks later found out that we knew each other and the official channel contact was all set up by my parents who were completey in on it and one of her aunts.
There are ways, parenst want to see u happy, sometimes they dont understand or cant relate..but you can get thru to them, and if not..there are other ways.
BUSTED.... lol. I know there are ways to get through to them. Obviously, my parents only wish well for me, but every time I want to say something to them, I only get negative feedbacks. I have stopped talking to them about my future plans, because I feel that they stopped caring. I HAVE gone through a lot, but they only see it as my own damn fault. I don't blame them and I have no right to do so. It's just that even I need a few words of appreciation and motivation every now and then.
