I’m noticing quite often parents think it is their right to decide who their son/daughter should marry. They feel they have the ultimate right to make the decision for them. I find it bothersome, especially when the son/daughter is not in favour of it.
The parents (and relatives) may have someone in mind who they think is ideal, whereas the son/daughter has someone else in mind. They both have their reasons and are dually entitled to it.
Since the son/daughter is the one who is to be married, should he/she not be the one making the final decision? Even if it means the son/daughter not making the best decision or preferring someone who the parents may not be comfortable with or okay with.
Be it arranged or of one’s choice, quite a lot of desi marriages turn out bad or the in-laws don’t seem to get along for whatever reasons. Why then should one submit to the wishes of the parents?
How does one justify parents having the final say in making such decisions?
i thinks its important to consider parents advice and seriously understand there choice, but in the end the decision should be up to the girl/guy getting married.
There's a reason parents might not like the cihld's choice and vice versa. Parents are not always 100 % correct and neither are children. The child might overlook something in the person they want to marry and the parents will catch it; whereas there are situations hwere parents will reject someone based on stupid things like zaat or what city in pakistan they come from (lets not even start on different ethnicity even if they're both Muslim).
Sara516, how did you convince them that you'll be the one making the final decision? I agree the way parents think is not always in line with the way the son/daughter might be thinking.
Quite often parents have certain things in mind such as those you mentioned, whereas the son/daughter looks at it from a different perspective. In addition, the son/daughter has different priorities and preferences that are clearly in contrast with the parents. At times it's difficult to get the point across, which results in serious discords.
If there is no valid reason like the person the child is going to marry is a drug addict or in any illegal activity, there is absolutely no justification at all no matter how much you love your children but at the end of the end they have to live their own life.
Parents should not disregard their children's wishes just because they wanted something else.
I think its how your personality is, I have been very opinionated from the beg and they expected me to voice my opinion not only about the guy but also about the actual wedding itself. I think obeying ur parents is one thing, ruining your life is another.
Quite often parents have certain things in mind such as those you mentioned, whereas the son/daughter looks at it from a different perspective. In addition, the son/daughter has different priorities and preferences that are clearly in contrast with the parents. At times it's difficult to get the point across, which results in serious discords.
Well it's been that way from the start, they were open to both approaches to marriage (if they found someone or if I found someone). Also, it's my nature and personality to make known how I feel about something and I'm incredibly lucky that my parents understood that I'm the one who will be living with him and they trusted that I wouldn't find someone who was completely unacceptable.
Ok we know some of you people were born in the u.s and are bursting to blame your parents at something atleast. First of all i will say that in Islam the parents must get the childs permission for marriage, but it is the duty of the child to obey the parent also. Its not a one way thing, rather its our duty to show our parents a greater respect. Take what your parents have to say seriously but if you disagree politely disagree and give reasons. I can understand that some people are pressurised into doing something more traditional than religious, but taking a look at some of the comments on this site makes me laugh! You all of a sudden remember Islam and become religious when taking advantage of a right, or as some ignorants prefer it "mullahs", and when living your day to day life you make such remarks as "for gods sake we are living in the 20th century, i cannot afford to pray, time is money"...
^ And where did you come up with such a gem? did you actually take the 5 minutse to read each post properly? And w’ere not talking abt not praying , we’re talking about marriage and parents. Stick to the topic
^ I didnt see anything wrong with what he said about the parents part atleast, hes generalizing, thinking that everyone in the "west" disobeys their parents.
its not very often that I come to Gupshup these days but whenever I read any of your posts…they always say something against western girls. I agree some of them are bad just like some pakistani girls are bad…but we are not all bad so dont put us all in the same plate plz…
someone living in the west can have more desi/pakistani values than someone who actually lives in Pakistan…its not good to generalise. take me for example, i live in the west…but my thinking, behaviour, mentality is totally different from these people. I tend to get on much better with people in Pakistan simply because my thinking is like theirs. but when people like you say this about us, it hurts
sorry baji:(…it wasn,t my intention to hurt ppl:bummer: …i just can,t stand ppl who talk bad or think that they r somehow more ‘‘advance’’ then ppl back home…thats all..:o ..i mean come on jis tarah k luv ki yahaan par baat ho rahi hai woh to chaar din main khatam ho jata hai…how can u luv some1:confused: …to luv some1 u should know that person and to know some1 u have too spend time together and what i know u can,t be alone with opposite gender so where does this crap of luv marriage comes from???.:o..most of these ppl date before marriage with countless boys/girls …looking for their so called princess/princecharming and then expect from other muslims not to talk bad about them…when some1 lies u call them liar when ppl do badmashi fahashi and show indecent behaviour u dun call them angels :o..
Ps main waisai hi kuch keh daita hoon app ziyada diyaan na diya karain merai replies ki taraf:( …and no i dun have anything against western girls…
hussain87, Do you know any of us intimately or you naturally like to make baseless accusations and assumptions?
I'm hoping for a serious discussion and different view points than juvenile comments and baseless assumptions.
Aside from that, many till now seem to more or less agree that parents shouldn't reject someone their son/daughter picks, unless there's something terribly wrong with the prospect; such as being a drug addict, or other illegal acitivities.
Sara516, congrats and consider yourself lucky. :)
CrescentWarrior, I agree aside from the gross generalization you made.
Mamaof3, I'm familiar with your stance. :) Mind shedding some light as to why you would want to pick wives for your sons. Also, would you vehemently oppose their choice because you're not in accord with it?
Just to clarify, I would very much welcome what I see as a good match for each of my 3 boys.
My eldest, he has eating difficulties. Needs a gal who will cook and care for him, a real home-maker sort.
Middle guy, he's a foreign-exchange trader or corporate attorney type who needs a "hot" gal who is both beautiful and intelligent.
Youngest guy is still an open question but I think he will do best with a loving and down to earth type of gal.
If any of my boys came home with someone who seems completely out-of-character then I'd raise a flag for them (NOTE::::I'd NOTE make them miserable and I'd not forbid the relationship) but its a parents job to make their best attempt at making a secure and happy future for their children yeah? So I'd work on it and yes I'd accept it if there was nothing else to do about it. But hey, my boys are very young still and I'm already working on them lol!! about the types of gals to avoid yadayada.
…ammi kis liye hoti hai???
so dun be surprised when some1 generalize:p …