Recently following thought came to mind and i think this topic would become great interest to help us understand the point of view of my fellow Men and Women of course.
In my circle there are number of friends. Their age range between 26-28. So i asked this friend of mine..“kab settle honai ka irada hai”?. To which, they responded:
“Not yet man, i am supporting my parents..they don’t work so me and and my brother and supporting family. To add more, i can’t save up enough to have
wedding”. So i said to them that parents should be understanding of such circumstance and issue with their sons. They said that “well, then how are parents suppose
to look after themselves, they rely on us.”
There are number of issues which arises:
Men getting married late.
We can’t save up enough because we have to pay mortgages, rent, bill etc. Though, it is enough for men to take care of themselves and their family.
Parents think, “ah!, lets live in joint family system so everyone benefits”.
It’s getting hard for women to find suitable rishta.
The question is: Where should young guys draw a line to take charge for their own lives for the betterment of themselves and their family.
Disclaimer: I live on my own and moved out and Allah ka shukr hai..everything is going well.
Help their parents with bills etc. but at the same time the parents should be reasonable and ideally should have some savings anyway..
I've never understood why some ppl spend extravagantly on weddings then cut down on other everyday things or even suffer because of it, not being able to afford to move out and so on.. If my parents were like that I would honestly put my foot down and say I need money for my future, not for you to show off to the community or look good.. Also, the dependency really irks me.. If both my parents were fit and could work and needed the money then they should.. same as my brother and I should as well, not rely on others.. and besides it can get messy emotionally as well (issues of jealousy and so on)..
Mostly when guys are in their marriagable, settling down ages, their parents are normally still working, running some business.
Most parents are usually planning and saving for their son's marriages for sometime as well, as this is something they really wish to see. So I find it kind of odd if supporting parents is a hurdle in a person's own settling down. One can still get married and keep supporting their parents. He doesnt even have to move out or something.
But yes in households where the earning person is the only son with more feeding mouths than earning hands, then it's justified to slightly postpone the settling down but not overlook it completely.
Allah na karey that my parents **need **my help but if they ever do, I'll have my hands full of eraser to erase all lines instead of drawing one.
A guy can help parents AND settle if he is not planning $25k wedding, $30k Car and $10k honeymoon.
Ok let's assume he is not planning big wedding with things that you have mentioned. But you there are many immigrant families whose parents don't work. And only reason they do or didn't is because they think that their son or sons would support them fully. But that is not how the society or system here is like..
Help their parents with bills etc. but at the same time the parents should be reasonable and ideally should have some savings anyway..
I've never understood why some ppl spend extravagantly on weddings then cut down on other everyday things or even suffer because of it, not being able to afford to move out and so on.. If my parents were like that I would honestly put my foot down and say I need money for my future, not for you to show off to the community or look good.. Also, the dependency really irks me.. If both my parents were fit and could work and needed the money then they should.. same as my brother and I should as well, not rely on others.. and besides it can get messy emotionally as well (issues of jealousy and so on)..
I think you raised very good points. There was a time when I had to put my foot down and Allah ka shukr hai..living independtly taught me so much about life and made me so much more responsible. With that said, i can understand..my parents dependent upon me when they are old and can't work at all. But in the case when parents CAN work or do business..when they rely on their son(s)..to me this is the problem.
So I find it kind of odd if supporting parents is a hurdle in a person's own settling down. One can still get married and keep supporting their parents. He doesnt even have to move out or something.
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Supporting parents CAN become hurdle if a guy is the only one supporting them and salary isn't enough to take care of his spouse as well. And when you said, he doesn't need to move out..well than woman in his life expect him to move out.. you see where i am going with this??
Yes drawing line because, as selfish it sounds..parents DO need to realize that if they are able to work..they should and not be competely rely on son or sons. It sounds harsh because, parents then push their son(s) to get married in Pakistan.
^what is your opinion if they parents are working, but the children need to be around to support in some way or another?
I jsut don't see how I could distance myself from my parents in this manner and actually think this way. To think of all they have done for me and for me to just forget it all once I have obtained a job, status, whatever.
Supporting parents CAN become hurdle if a guy is the only one supporting them and salary isn't enough to take care of his spouse as well. And when you said, he doesn't need to move out..well than woman in his life expect him to move out.. you see where i am going with this??
That's where the person needs to rationally strike a balance in their lives. There isn't a line then. The woman who would be getting married to the guy should know that he has a family and parents. And she should respect that. There isn't anything wrong with moving out ..but what happens when parents actually need their kids financially and physically? Then no line operates doesn't it?
Ok let's assume he is not planning big wedding with things that you have mentioned. But you there are many immigrant families whose parents don't work. And only reason they do or didn't is because they think that their son or sons would support them fully. But that is not how the society or system here is like..
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In most (not all) of the cases, better communication can help. Most of the time I have seen guys working like gadha, spending on CC without letting parents know where he stand on balance sheet. Parents assume that guy is doing well and hence they think of taking a break.
we cannot really come down upon someone who thinks there needs a line to be drawn. Because I have seen a few instances where sons are sending heaps of money back home and all their parents do: mother would save up every thing given to her for the benefits of the daughters only andfather would blow away whatever he is handed. And the sons are still unmarried, in their thirties and parents simply testing the forbearance and godfearliness of their sons. NOT all the parents are like that forsure, but some ARE and this is ntural because parents are also human beings, can be selfish and all that. there are cases where an addict killed his mother for money and there are mothers who leave their children and run away or keep an extra marital affair, and the fathers who poison and slay their children. And this is not a pack of lies or stories from some other world. So yes, there has to be line drawn if and when needed.dont be so Utopian, people.
I kind of agree that in the case where parents are still capable of working they should work as opposed to being financially dependent on their children. If the parents are old and/or unable to work then I agree that children should financially support them.
I say this because I know of a guy who lives here, parents are in pakistan. His dad is 47 and in good health but reccently retired because he felt that the son has a good job and should start supporthing him. The son lives with his wife and chilld in a small apartment and they're struggling and are living from pay cheque to pay cheque. In this case I do feel that the father should continue to work until the son can save up some money and have a better financial hold of his life.
i would tend to disagree with this much that in my opinion, you shouldnt ask your parents to work for themselves even if you think they can. Every children have this much obligation to support their parents when and if they can. In the same way, the children should have their eyes open enough to notify and see for themselves that they are not actually made fool and exploited in the name of their obligations. there should be a balance/moderation in every thing. as simple as that.
**i would tend to disagree with this much that in my opinion, you shouldnt ask your parents to work for themselves even if you think they can. Every children have this much obligation to support their parents when and if they can. **In the same way, the children should have their eyes open enough to notify and see for themselves that they are not actually made fool and exploited in the name oft heir obligations. there is should be a balance/moderation in every thing. as simple as that.
But is it really practical for the average person to be supporting two families at the same time (new wife.. and then own kids as well as parents and possibly unmarried siblings back home too)?
I think too much emphasis is put on one person maintainng an entire family.. to me it's a ridiculous amount of pressure and one that could be lessened a huge amount if everyone who is able to work or help out did their own little bit.. Of course if your parents really need help it's your duty to give but generally speaking I don't think it's healthy (physically or mentally) for anyone to be totally dependent on others unless there's no other choice.. This is going to sound harsh but I really believe that seeing dependency as 'normal' makes us weaker as a society..
@deeba. Thank you!. Having said above, since majority of girls prefer their guy to live separately with them..it can become tough. I am not a religious person..but as far as i know no one should be dependent on other.
I know this case..where friend of a friend who is mash'allah professional and earns good ended up marrying girl from Pakistan. According to him, "well girl here wouldn't understand that i need to support my parents"..so therefore, i got married to a girl in Pakistan..since she is ok with living in joint family system.