I think we might need to make a distinction between strict and unreasonable/illogical. My parents were very strict with me and my siblings. Did we rebel because of it? No. Because they were strict AND reasonable about things. If they told us not to do something and we would inevitably say "why" or "it's not fair," they didn't accuse us of being badtameez (unless we raised our voices to them - THEN we were in trouble) or go with the parental favorite of "because I'm Mom/Dad and I say so." They'd actually sit down and explain it to us...tell us that the reason why could/couldn't do XYZ was because it says such and such in the Quran or Rasullallah said such and such. They would listen to us if we had a counterargument and even change their position on issues if what we were saying sounded reasonable.
They kept a close eye on our social lives...taught us what we could/couldn't do, set limits - and then trusted us to stick to them.
They had a lot of rules, but they found all sorts of halal ways for us to have fun and let loose.
And they didn't just talk the talk. They followed their own rules...they walked the walk.
In short, they were strict, but not dictatorial. Because in a dictatorship, where you have unreasonable codes of conduct with no explanations and no outlet, someone eventually rebels.
Very good points, mistral. I think kids just want to understand the moral framework---strictness without reason and without respect is what I think turns kids into rebels.
And you're right that fun is so important. Some families are way too strict in my opinion in equating fun and joy with haram/danger/etc.--kids need to feel like they have creative and enjoyable outlets that are within the boundaries of their religion.
hmm i know many girls who resent the leniency of rules that their brothers enjoyed. times like these i appreciate how wonderful my parents were alhumdolilah in applying the principals they believed in to both their boys and girl. To be perfectly honest i would'nt have the depth of understanding to get past the why can they do it if i cant? come to think of it i still think of it as why should boys be able to get away if girls cant. new pakistani norm should be formed and i am all for it.
I would be happy to hear that you let girls come over ONLY if you would think it’s okay for your daughter (if you have one) to go over to one of her male friends home for homework.
Now I know that you sneak in on your kid, but the “other” kids parents might actually encourage their son and give them a “push” to form a “more than friends” relationship with “your” daughter?
So that’s why I would be a bit wary of this facilitation.
besides boys will be boys and would like to experiment.
Having said all of this, I am not preaching that you are doing something wrong, but just telling you that the situation itself is “iffy”.
A guy would soon be interested to use his freedom of bringing someone over for homework, and really learn “The Homework” together
wat’s your opinion on letting daughters go over to their guy friends home? How comfortable would you be?
^Or it's the child's fault themself: they made wrong choices for themselves and put themself down in a ditch and it has nothing to do with how the parent's raised their child.....and i think most cases are these cases.
Nuh (as) did every right thing for his child , yet his child was still one of the disbelievers, even as the flood came, as the aya goes...
So the Ark floated with them on the waves (towering) like mountains, and Nuh called out to his son, who had separated himself (from the rest): "O my son! embark with us, and be not with the unbelievers!" The son replied: "I will betake myself to some mountain: it will save me from the water." Nuh said: "This day nothing can save, from the command of Allah, any but those on whom He hath mercy!" And the waves came between them, and the son was among those overwhelmed in the Flood. (Surah Hud: 42-43)
And you could say that the kid was trying to "rebel" from his parent, Nuh (as), but this arguement has no value...the child makes his own decision, and after puberty he is mature enought to do so and will be responsible for his own decisions, not his parents.
^Or it's the child's fault themself: they made wrong choices for themselves and put themself down in a ditch and it has nothing to do with how the parent's raised their child.....and i think most cases are these cases.
Nuh (as) did every right thing for his child , yet his child was still one of the disbelievers, even as the flood came, as the aya goes...
So the Ark floated with them on the waves (towering) like mountains, and Nuh called out to his son, who had separated himself (from the rest): "O my son! embark with us, and be not with the unbelievers!" The son replied: "I will betake myself to some mountain: it will save me from the water." Nuh said: "This day nothing can save, from the command of Allah, any but those on whom He hath mercy!" And the waves came between them, and the son was among those overwhelmed in the Flood. (Surah Hud: 42-43)
And you could say that the kid was trying to "rebel" from his parent, Nuh (as), but this arguement has no value...the child makes his own decision, and after puberty he is mature enought to do so and will be responsible for his own decisions, not his parents.
Absolutely right, we the parents can just guide them as to right and wrong and we can provide them a loving and nurturing upbringing , ultimately it is them who make those right or wrong choices.
i admire that u dared to think outside of wat other people similar to ur community think.It took me years to make my mom n dad realise that theres noway to avoidinteraction between gurls n guys anymore what u cn do is understand n trus tht wat u have taught us is wid us.what a teenager needs most is TRUST & ASSURANCE once he/she knws he is trusted so much hed think 1million times bfr breaking it or otherwise hell adopt :wat the hell attitude" they mite as well dunt trust me wats the harm in trying.It to early dont panic please dunt second judge ur method cuz u on the right path u maynot see the result now but 3-4 yrs down the line those parents will see the result of their cacoon method n how their children rebel n make of themselves.Trust ur kids tell them they r trusted how many times u cn say it! its important for them to know tht u think tht they r old n controlled enough to be trusted to make their own decision partially n dunt hav to be nagged.spy'd or punished continuously...contribute to build who they are!
Dont get me wrong but what you are doing you are throwing your son in the harem of sensual creativity he will get used to women and his whole life will be about women. He will learn that they are sly creatures (lol no pun intended girls) and will be a conformist to their will. He will be rendered useless and will be like a puppet in front of girls. Does he have a cell phone? I bet its filled with #s of girls. I'd say your son will lose his character and will be a total chick seeker. If i were you i'd send him to Piano classes asap! Seriously there is a reason Islam prevents contact with females! THEY DRIVE MEN CRAZY!!!!!
^ It is essential because our ancestors have tasted bread from the "thappays" and we all have this inside us! These fires fueled our ancestors thus giving way to us! You cannot deny the thappay fires!
wat’s your opinion on letting daughters go over to their guy friends home? How comfortable would you be?