When my son stated high school , I told him "son , I know you go to a co-ed school , you interact with girls in your class you will be doing joint class projects , so I do not have any problem with you having your classmate girls as your friends , but I would surely not allow a girlfriend as it is termed in Western terminology. "
So he does invite those girls to our home for joint class projects , to watch a movie at home etc. Now some uncles ( as Azher Usman says for lack of better term) tell their Muslim kids to stay away from my son’s company as because of their interpretation he is a bad influence.
Mind you he does not do drugs , he is not into drinking , sex , he gets better grades then their goofy kids etc. But sons and daughters of some of those more-Muslim-than-thou people are involved in those activities behind their parents backs.
I have open channels of communications with my kids so they confide in me and to the best of knowledge they are not betraying my trust so far.
What else am I supposed to do ? Should I do it differently and impose restrictions on my kids and raise them in a cocoon ? How would then I immunize them the bad influence of drugs , sex and drinking ?
Mirch, you are raising your son the way my parents brought us up, and all 3 of us turned out to be respectable and successful people in life.
Most desis don't have a relationship with their parents, where they can confide in them and be totally honest with them, and what you have going on with your son at the moment is the way kids should be brought up in western society... if you restrict and cocoon them, then they'll only try and break free and do something a million times worse. You've vocalised what the limits are to your son, and hopefully he understands that, so i think you shouldn't do anything to jeopardise the current healthy relationship you have with your son.
This is what is wrong with desi society... people (those uncles) are too busy looking at other people's kids, rather than their own...
They're doing all right now, why break a good thing?
unless u care alot what uncles etc are saying?
waise if u don't want them to have girlfriends, it doesn't make much sense to let them have female friends too, who come over his house.
u've read all the threads here, freindships turn into something else...........
All my life I went to co-ed educational schools , colleges , universities and I had many girls as friends , but I did not end up having any romantic involvement . I was more focused on my education and career, due to my parents training.
That is what I am trying to teach my kids and so far it seems to be working as it worked on me.
I believe if you have bigger goals in front of you then you will not get distracted by anything in your pursuit of those goals. He wants to be a neurosurgeon and he understands what will it take to realize his dream.
All my life I went to co-ed educational schools , colleges , universities and I had many girls as friends , but I did not end up having any romantic involvement . I was more focused on my education and career, due to my parents training.
That is what I am trying to teach my kids and so far it seems to be working as it worked on me.
I believe if you have bigger goals in front of you then you will not get distracted by anything in your pursuit of those goals. He wants to be a neurosurgeon and he understands what will it take to realize his dream.
Good point.
I think ure doing the right thing...just shrug off what they say.....
Mirch, nothing wrong at all, in fact you are teaching your son to be normal...
We were raised like that....my parents knew all our friends, our friends were very comfortable around my parents, and were aware of our standards and beliefs...which works well because there are less chances of things happening behind your back, or without your knowledge...
The ice is broken, and the cultural/religious differences dont seem like a problem, but a normal part of the American society. You dont have to raise your children in isolation, and neither do you children have to be partying and drinking to feel at ease with their American friends.
The more at ease you are with your son's co-ed friends, the better the chances are for you to develop a healthy relationship with him and his friends.
I would say trust your instincts when it comes to raising your children, the uncles and aunties are only spectators, they too have their own children to raise and worry about.
I totally agree with maroush and alvena..I was brought up in a similar environment.. If u give trust to a child, they'll always find it hard breaking it, i always did.
You're doing what's right. Those "uncles" are living in a bubble, and unfortunately it will pop soon. They might ignore the pop, but it WILL pop. But your approach is the right approach, and I don't think you should make changes because of their narrowmindedness.
The uncles you speak of have no idea what their kids are upto behind their back and probably never will. When their kids are ready for college, they will become so crazy those uncles wont know what hit them.
You're doing the right thing and dont need to worry about what they say about your son or you.
Just as some/most kids from the so-called 'moderate' & 'liberal' backgrounds turn out ok, an exactly equal number of kids from the so-called 'stricter' and 'narrowminded' backgrounds turn out ok also. It just depends on how well you inculcate the values in your kids that you 'think' are good enough for your level of faith.
Muslim kids do so much stuff behind their parents back and dont let them suspect a thing. You can't underestimate Muslim kids because they grow with white kids and their influence gets rubbed on to them. Just because muslim girls dress with hijab their mindset is very much western. By allowing girls to come to your house you are allowing him to interact with females, very soon his hormones will force him to experiment with a girlfriend and its all natural and he wont be able to control so i'd stop the interaction right now if you want him to be a total muslim kid and send him to the mosque every day. In Islam contact with females are strictly forbidden you should know that:)
Yeah right I know Islam orders parents to put young boys and girls into cages till they get married . But unfortunately I live in a society where they will put me into a cage if I do that. So I prefer to teach them what is right and what is wrong. So far it is working therefore I would rather stay out of trouble by not putting my kids into their cages which I ordered for them and now those cages are sitting in my basement and rotting.
Mirch, sounds like you are doing an outstanding job raising your son without imposing unreasonable restrictions on him. As long as you hammer into his head the difference between right and wrong and then slowly let him make his own decisions and judgements, he will turn out to be a fine young man. Don't worry about what others think, others are idiots.
its always good not to bring opposite gender home. if there is ever a group project, i always do em at public library.
besides, it was our own decision not to bring any friends home (even my brothers never bring any of their friends), out parents never say anything to any of us.
Yeah, the library is perfect - lots of corners and stairwells to make out in.
Mirch bhai - it sounds like you are doing a great job with your kids. The "uncles" sons usually have a girlfriend or two behind the back of their fathers, and an overly repressive environment breeds rebellious children.
I always invite my kids' friends and lab partners over, it's how I keep tabs on them (sneaky sneaky). I learn more "overhearing" their conversations than I ever would by just talking to them every night. I also know their friends very well because of this.
There has to be a healthy balance, Mirch. Being on one extreme or the other has the potential to mess kids up. It's not unusual for parents who are super strict......to have kids that will eventually either openly rebel or rebel in secret. This ALSO can happen when parents send conflicting messages to their children....or aren't consistent in their parenting.
Don't worry about those parents. I know that people from all races judge one another....HOWEVER.......desis can become really hypocritical in this regard. In western culture........goray log tend to be more open/honest about their problems. At least goray parents.... many of them..... openly admit if their child has a drinking or drug problem...or a learning disability....or teen pregnancy, etc etc. Whereas with desi parents.........I've noticed that even those who ARE aware of the wrong things their children are doing......will give others the false impression that their kids are great....because of the fear of...."LOG KYA KAHAIN GE." On the down side....the more lax an attitude a particular culture has about certain issues.....it can play a role in promoting those issues as well.
So, as I said earlier.....don't waste time worrying about those parents. The JOKE is on them because they don't know the reality of their own children. And you never know....maybe one of these days, they'll stumble upon the truth about their own kids.....and this might even humble them. OR....they'll just conveniently blame some other kid for corrupting their precious baby....or they'll just give into the fear of "log kya kahain ge." LOL!
Those kids are young.....they're still living with their parents. They're not completely independent....so they'll have to listen to their parents to some extent. This means that these kids might avoid coming to your home to hang out with your son.....just to appease their parents. BUT........they'll hang out with your son at school. I wouldn't be surprised if they hang out with your son behind their parents' backs. They can't shun him for bringing female classmates to his home when they themselves have more serious issues to deal with. Hopefully their own hypocrisy will prevent them from completely ignoring your son.
Keep up the open communication with your son. And in my opinion.....telling him that you certainly won't allow girlfriends..........kinda sounds absolute and permanent. We all know that teenagers don't have the maturity to handle relationships............but you also don't want him to do anything wrong behind your back. So instead of giving him an absolute/permanent/no-way/you better never have a girlfriend response..........try discussing the issue of relationships from an Islamic perspective. Try discussing what Islam allows and what it doesn't. You could even mention when you think is a better time to consider such relationships (such as college)....know what I mean? One thing that I've learned with teaching teenagers/and kids in general is that it's better to explain your views with reasons because they're inquisitive. Because if you don't...........it doesn't always put an end to things.
For example, kids might question why they can't do something. And the parent will say "because that's what I said, that's how it is. As long as you live under my roof, you'll do as I say. Because I'm the parent and you must obey me. Because if you don't listen, Allah will throw you in hell." And the parents will find the kid shutting up temporarily and bringing up the same question some time later or rebelling secretly. So......it's better to provide reasons to the best of your ability.
But unfortunately I live in a society where they will put me into a cage if I do that. So I prefer to teach them what is right and what is wrong. So far it is working therefore I would rather stay out of trouble by not putting my kids into their cages which I ordered for them and now those cages are sitting in my basement and rotting.