Where am I wrong???

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Where am I wrong???

total bull.......

and whats so funny?

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Re: Where am I wrong???

Gaia said it best, LOL. Sorry, Spiral, but your hubby has such paindoo views. I hope things improve for you. You seem to be patient....if it were me, ... :-/

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Re: Where am I wrong???

i wasnt talking to you
and im not in the mood to explain to you either

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Re: Where am I wrong???

Sometimes, the additional responsibilities that come with having children can even kill the romance between a couple/create distance....and so they might have to work harder than before to keep the romance/spark alive in the marriage.

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Re: Where am I wrong???

Agreed.

It's just the typical response all desis will give you if there's a crisis in marriage, hey wait till you have a kid, if then nothing gets better then oh no don't get divorced, now there's kids involved. Eurgh. It's just stupid, if you have problems work them out, a child will not miraculously do anything and will actually put more strain/responsibilities on an already damaged relationship. Crazy people.

OP I agree with whoever said trying to build a relationship with your in laws, maybe that way he'll have more respect for you and I don't just mean cooking and cleaning but an actual relationship. Other than that unless you're very unhappy I would take it on the chin, try explaining things to him calmly and seeing things for him perspective. There has to be a reason he's so odd with you, try talking it out with him and telling him how you feel.

Also with a lot of husbands like that, tell him everything, don't self sacrifice or hide things because he won't bother thinking oh maybe she's unwell unless you tell him you're unwell. Try being more open and just building a better relationship :)

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Re: Where am I wrong???

see with this civilized answer i will give you my rationale

in all natural essence we as human beings the way we are created is that we are greatly driven my emotions. romance has its major dependence on mood/state of mind (one spouse says something bad and the romance goes away).

but, but you see when you bring a special human being that tiny tiny baby that is solely yours and his to this world then this very bond sparks so much emotions in both the husband and wife that is beyond any of our comprehension, this is why i said in ideal sense that small baby has tied/bonded the two together in such a way that we cannot explain

i remember when my brother was born i was so little but my dad tells me he cant explain how happy i was when he was born. now imagine when at that point when the wife looks at his husband or the husband looks at his wife they tell each other so much without even saying anything at all.

the problem i have with some individuals is that without giving a single thought as to how one has come with a response (in this case) they bluntly reject it and say it is bull. i mean come on seriously

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Re: Where am I wrong???

dear shaheryarkhan,

there is no IDEAL situation in real life relationships. yes yes having a baby is amazng and bla di bla but its not the solution to all ur marital problems. and i totally understand that your response was driven by the warm and fuzzy feelings deep inside ur tummy, but hey everything SHOULD get better after u have had ur baby ideoligy is getting ghissi pitti like a bollywood romance.

i think u didnt like ThAT SOME INDUVIDUALS mean and realistic approach hmmmm

and lol’ing at other ppl’s problems isnt nice :nono:

mmkaytxbye

28

Re: Where am I wrong???

this is where I think you are wrong....

1) how does he gets this info about your brother and sil?..... stop involving him too much into your parents/sibling lives.. what goes between them or what not kinda stuff he does not need to know..... specially now when you know You will be backfired with all kinds of comments from him ....

2) do not look for appreciation from him .....you do what you have to do and do not over burden yourself.... if you r doing something to yourself and calling it sacrifies and then looking for an appreciation from him then I think its your fault....who told you to do it at the first place??

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Re: Where am I wrong???

See as a husband and wife you share everything with each other. What goes on in your family, what goes on in his family. But at this point, I do think you are right. I need to stop sharing all of that with him since he uses it all against me.

Second part, I do think that the day husband and wife stop appreciating each other, the day everything comes to an end.

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deleted

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This mentality you cannot change no matter what you do, so even if you disagree with this, just play along

This was a very harsh thing to say.....all the more with him being the doctor

32

Re: Where am I wrong???

Your husbands sounds like he's a dick.

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Re: Where am I wrong???

I think you really are overwhelmed at the moment with a little baby and the fact that your mom is not there for support anymore. There are many husbands like yours who are verbally inadequate and dont know how to be emotionally supportive. But that does not mean that they are bad human beings. Just give your husband some time. Sometimes it takes the couple extra time to understand each others needs. As far as him being apathetic towards you, I would say most doctors are like that. After witnessing death and seriously ill patients on regular basis, doctors are emotionally tougher than the normal lay person. They dont find pregnancy and labor such a big deal.

I think, things are not as bad as you think, just look at the positve things you have said so far. You mention that you have a 4 month old baby. Can I suggest that you go to your doctor and check if you might be suffering from baby blues or post natal depression. It can last for up to a year sometimes.The symptoms can include Irritability
Sadness, Hopelessness, A feeling of being overwhelmed
Inability to be comforted
Exhaustion, Emptiness
Social withdrawal
Low or no energy
Becoming easily frustrated
Feeling inadequate in taking care of the baby
Spells of anger towards others
Increased anxiety or panic attacks

As you can see, having a baby definitely takes its toll on the woman, so its worth checking if you have these symptoms frequently.
Try to stay calm, enjoy your baby and please try to remain positive.

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I dunno…living with someone who has such primitive, nonsensical, paindu views…you’re likely to fall into depression. :hehe:

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Your marriage seems very typical of a lot of pakistani marriages.....where the husband isn't cheating on you, doesn't drink or smoke, isn't physically violent but the element of respect is greatly missing. The husband feels he can say whatever he wants, whenever he wants because he is the man of the house and is bringing in the dough. These men aren't exactly 'bad' husbands because they do provide for the family but they greatly lack in taking care of the wife's emotional needs and can definitely be very cold and callous. They have no empathy and lack of empathy in a marriage is like a slow poison that gradually builds up to the point that you eventually start resenting your spouse.

You can't change his mentality. He is who he is. If he has been a mama's boy all his life, he will NOT change so why bother fighting? Just accept him for who he is. I've seen tons of marriages fall apart where the wife hopes the husband will show some independent judgment only to get disappointed time and again when he constantly turns to his parents for every little thing.

The fact that he actually thinks he doesn't have to care about your parents and it's all about his parents is rather sad. And it's none of his business how your parents treat their own kids. He needs to get off his high horse thinking his parents are the only one doing a good job in raising their kids. If they were, he won't be disrespecting you like this. So stop sharing things about your family's life if you know instead of being sympathetic, he will only use it against you. Yes ideally, spouses should be best friends but life isn't ideal so you have to adjust accordingly. The fact that he didn't appreciate your mother taking care of HIS child must also be really upsetting! He has a typical desi mentality where he thinks a guy should always have an upper hand in the marriage and if he appreciates his wife or her family, it means he is 'weak'.

I guess you just have to be patient and appreciate the good in him. Everytime he says something hurtful, just turn to God and pray for strength. I mean yeah you can confront him, but like I said his mentality will never change and it will only lead to nasty arguments so why make yourself go through such turmoil?

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that was insensitive on his part. Dont let him touch the baby now.

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I agree with all that has been said here about him but i also want to say i think you need to do stuff for YOU too i think it shows you respect yourself and in turn he will respect you.

38

Re: Where am I wrong???

Ok so we did kinda talked about it all. I think I overreacted. My husband is a great person inside out. Just sometimes when we argue we say a lot of bitter things to each other. Not just him, I do too. We do in the end realize that we are married to each other and we have to make it work no matter what. Thing is, he is too too too close to his family and that sometimes makes me mad because he wants to hear nothing about them.. NOTHING. He however is very fair to me too.

Things have happened in his life which led him to think that all women are fasadi (his sister’s divorced by her saas and nands). That’s what pisses me off because I’ve told him several times that just because something bad happened to his sister doesn’t mean all women are bad. I guess this mentality is going to change with time.

He does take care of my family. I mentioned before too that my sister lived with us for months and we didn’t ask for a single penny from her. My husband took care of her expenses too. He says things that are bitter sometimes but he does none of it. His actions and his words are compeletly opposite. I wish he wouldn’t even say things I don’t like sometimes. I am a very very controlling person.. I guess I always want everything my way :bummer:

39

Re: Where am I wrong???

Yes.

Sounds like your husband is just all talk, like venting to you about stuff like I am sure you do to him too. When it comes down to it he does perform, I mean that in terms of taking care of your sisters expenses.

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Lol. Love how that has randomly been brought into the thread when it has nothing to do with anything here.