I have a situation. Actually not even a situation, I just need opinions. I have a pretty happy marriage. Husband does well, makes good money. I don’t have to work. We have a beautiful 4 month old baby. No in-laws ka chakkar. No sariyal saas or nand but we both fight a lot over small issues every now and then. He is a typical mama’s boy. What mama said is always right. His parents’ approach is to be always there for the kids and umm somewhat interfere in their lives. They tell us all the time what to do. They tell their kids all the time what to do and how to deal with things. His mom tells me all the time beta aisa nahi aisa karo. Although she is nice but I don’t agree that you need to always give your opinion and tell people how things should be done. My parents are totally opposite. They hardly tell my SIL what she needs to do. So yes, my brother and my SIL does somewhat take advantage of my parents. Now my husband is always torturing with me by saying how your parents do it all wrong and that’s why people take advantage of them. Meri maa ki tarhan hitler hoon to sab teekh rehtay hain. I don’t like that being said to me all the time. I HATE IT. He says it in a way that it hurts me.
He goes on to say oh larki ke maa baap is never the guy’s responsibility and that guy’s parents are everything and that the girl should be nice to them and cook, clean etc for them to have a good relationship with the husband. He hasn’t done anything yet but I feel when time comes where I have to take care of my parents, he will simply refuse with the kind of attitude he has. And like I said, I HATE that being said all the time.
My mom came to take care of me and my baby when I gave birth. I had a very very very tough pregnancy. I was very close to abort my child because of the development defect doctors found in him at my scan. It was a major thing for me. I went into depression. I use to cry all the time and pray to Allah to give my baby a healthy life. My mom came at my delivery and really took care of my baby. I did nothing. She used to stay up all night with my new born to take care of his need so I can get some rest. Now my husband is always telling me, why did your mother do all of this.. Yeh saray kaam to tum bhi kar sakhti theen… maar to nahi rahi theen. I was in soooooo much pain, not just physically but emotionally too. My baby was born fine AH but the whole ordeal was way too much and I needed my mom’s help. So rather then saying thanks to my mother for taking care of us for a whole month, she cooked, cleaned, took care of my baby he says koi bara kaam nahi kia…. Tum bhi kar sakhti theen, you were okay to do all that… LIKE WTH!
So tell me guys… am I wrong arguing with my husband on all these things? More than anything, it hurts me to listen to these things.
^no, you are not wrong and you are not alone. It's very hard to get your point across to men that have this mentality. All you can do is tell him if it werent for him you could do well on your own. If you convince him that you have made sacrifices too and his life would be very different without you, he will see your point. I don't know where you live, what your education level is but this is straight up emotional abuse. You shouldn't have to take it especially if you are making every effort to make this marriage work.
I am assuming you live outside of Pakistan. Men like your husband only speak in terms of money. They have no concept of
a good marriage. My dad was similar but he is a changed man now since my mother started working. They don't appreciate what they have. They take everything you do for granted as if unkay Baap k noker bethay hain Saray. To them the fact that they are providing for you is enough and they can own you. Tell him it's not just your responsibly to raise your kid. Make him understand that you could everything he does and more but you choose to stay home and sacrifice to raise your child. It's very
important that he understands what you contribute to this marriage
:( Hmmm I am very much in agreement wid Theorist dat it is emotional abuse. U need to stop takin his abuse, find a way that will shut him up for good. (his abuse). Find sum islamic ref and tell him how he is not a gud muslim let alone husband for the things he says against ur parents. Gosh i wudnt ever take anything against my parents.
No you're not wrong. Based on what you wrote, its not ok for your husband to bad-mouth your parents. Right now, you really need to focus on yourself (physically & emotionally), and your baby. Since you're a housewife, make an effort in having a strong social network with other women. You definitely need to have other moms/housewives who can keep you company and get you out of the house etc. I agree with the above poster that your husband is emotionally abusive towards you....and you can't not deal with it unless you have a strong support network.
Have you had non-emotional, serious 1-1 discussion with your husband about this? Have you told him how you feel when he bad mouths your family? Instead of wondering what will happen in the future, have you actually asked him whether or not he will be ok with you taking care of your parents in the future? IF you have already had these talks with him....what was his reaction? NOTE: I'm not talking about arguments....I'm talking about 1-1 sit-down talks where you're calm and non-emotional.
Your other option is marriage counseling if he agrees to it.
Either way...you can't give up on this. If nothing else....it's not good for your child to grow up seeing your husband bash your family or grow up hearing your husband bad-mouth you!
This is not a regular thing in my house. Arguements like these happen maybe once in 3-4 months. And they become very big. I see how he thinks and his attitude towards my family. My sister lived with us for 4 months and my husband provided everything. So he does things for my family too. Each time my family visits, my husband does everything for them but he somehow in the back of his mind thinks t hat his parents are greater than anyone or anything. Whatever they do is right. He is a doctor who is very busy so I understand that and do whatever I have to do as a wife. When my baby was born, he was doing night shifts where its hard for them to get off. So I was in labor all night and didn't tell my husband so he doesn't leave his work and come home. I was in pain but I kept telling myself few more hours few more hours and he'll get off and come. He comes home and goes off at me saying how I made things worse for myself rather than saying that I appreciate you for doing all this for me. All of this hurt me a lot.
All my sacrifices, everything I do is always soemthing I have done wrong. When I clean the bathroom, clean the house, he always says oh zarorat to nahi thi safai karnay ki. I don't understand that. Ok fine he doesn't appreciate but he always says something bad that hurts me. It doesn't even make me mad, it just hurts me.
you are not wrong at all but sometimes you have to accept these kind of situations and show patience on your side. it may take years of efforts to change a mama's boy into a grown up man but dont loose hope as i have seen people changing..
This reminds me of a saying of Ali (r.a.), (I dont remember the exact words, but): it goes like
Remember, there are three fathers of a person in this world
one whos is your real father
one who taught you, your teacher
one who gave you his daugther in marriage
anyhow,
i guess either you have to find a solution or get used to it
i may have a direction for you but it might not be that ethical/moral so leave it
but i would suggest you is to consistency in his argument, or are his arguments just random and dependant on his mood?
I know women in your situation and they are depressed. I really feel sorry for you. You need to talk to him that his taunting is hurtful. If this is a love marriage then you should be able to talk to him openly about this since I am sure this is something you kind of knew before you got married. If this is an arranged marriage then you are looking at years of crying and complaining if you don't confront him now. I have seen this happen to my mother. Don't let this happen to you. He will learn someday but make it happen sooner. Tell him if he is going to blow everything in your face everything he does for you and your family, he should just not do it at all. Tell him your parents are as important to you as his parents are important to him and since he doesn't wish to help them out you will go out and do it yourself. In the meantime he can stay at home and take care of his child. He wouldn't like that, would he? It sounds like your husband is a control freak. Conrol freaks purposely go above and beyond in helping you ^so they can later blackmail you. It's a mechanism try use to keep you in check. I do think marriage counseling will help you.
Mine is an arranged marriage. I think my problem isn't as deep as you guys think. I have full control to the money. I do things my way in my house. He does what I want to do. He is more religious then me. His family is nice to me its just that sometimes I get sick of listening to tum ne yeh kaam kar lia to kon si bari baat hai. Your dad is working in this old age because he doesn't say anything to his own son (My parents don't believe in saying anything to anyone). On the other hand, he says his parents are better because they know each and everything about their kids' life and how to rule them. So that makes them better parents.
He says aurteen are the main cause of every single problem in this world. I have told him several times its not good to say such things. He doesn't listen. Today I told him that your sister and your mother are the main cause of every single problem in this world.. and then uss ke baad to uffffff.... Hey they are aurteen too. But he doesn't want to listen to any of that.
ideally the bond between husband and wife should get stronger after the first son/daughter and get stronger with the passage of time untill mid life crisis and then it should get back up at old age
dont really understand whats happening in your case (lol)
Got it! that's his point of view and its not going to change. Avoid such topics whenYou are talking to him. About your parents, don't discuss them with him either. Let him talk and he will run out of words. Or just shut him up by not replying or saying "you are right". If this doesnt affect your relationship then don't let it get to you.
see (initially) if you are up against someone who is stronger than you, then you think twice about attacking. i dont think directly attacking his sister and mother will help you, instead it may worsen the situation
Spiral, do you have a son or a daughter? If you don't have a daughter...tell your husband that his narrow views about women would be damaging if you were both to have a daughter in the future...and in no way are they healthy ones to expose a son to either.
Does your husband have a sister? If so....maybe you should tell him that his own sister might feel more comfortable being taken care of by her own mother after delivering a baby. And if he doesn't have a sister....put it as a hypothetical question. Remind him that as confident as he is in spouting off his theories.......he's not a woman....and until the day he develops a vagina and gives birth......he will NEVER understand what it feels like for a woman....and therefore he can't go around acting like he is the frickin authority on everything. Sometimes you gotta put people in there place....cuz the staying quiet an being the bigger person strategy may not always work.
And you let him know clearly that NO PERSON appreciates hearing negative things about thier parents. This behavir is not supported by Islam either and the next time he insults your parents.......you're not responding to him. If you stand there and listen to him....sure he'll continue. If he sees that nobody's there....he'll eventually shut up.
Try to be nice to his parents. Because who knows....if it comes time to you taking care of your parents....he might be more open to it if he remembers the positive way in which you dealt with his.
I don't know how effective this will be....but if he likes having his parents involved in everything....then maybe that could work to your advantage. Ask his mom if she would get invovled in taking of her daughter (hypothetical or actual) after delivering a baby. Ask your MIL this question in front of your husband. Listen to what your MIL says. Maybe her response will be in accordance with your own views. That just makes your Mama's boy of a husband look stupid. And then you can even ell her how your husband says that it was wrong for your mother to take care of you and that you should have done it yourself......and that he thinks that women are the root of every problem. I'd be interested to see how she'd respond. If she's supportive of you....and lectures her son....and since Mama's boy listens to Mama....it might work.
My fiance is a M.D. too so I can relate to the hectic work schedule/stress your husband deals with. That being said.....PLEASE do not hesitate to contact him regarding health situations b/c you think it's going to cause him stress. As a physician, he's well-aware of all the things that can go wrong with a pregnancy. You should have called him as soon as you went into labor. Even in the future, if something is physically going on with your or the baby....you need to let him know asap.
I had a medical situation that I dealt with a few months ago. When I was having the symptoms initially, I choose not to share them with my fiance...only told him when it got really bad. I can't tell you how furious he was. Of course I thought it wasn't a "big deal"....but once he found out, he scheduled some procedures for me asap, and got me in touch with a very good M.D. in that specialty. After the test results, we found out that if I wanted a few more days to share my symptoms, I could've easily ended up in the ICU. Believe me when I say this...you're not doing him any favors by not sharing potential health issues with him.
I still think you should:
1) Talk to him. Don't wait until an argument happens. Sit down with him when everything is "fine" and let him know how much it hurts you when he talks bad about your family or makes comments regarding your housework.
2) If you don't have it already...you should get to know other mom and build a good social support network. This will help you cope with the pressures of being a new mom.
3) You can't change your husband's views on life. BUT you can mange your own expectations of this marriage, and try to change his reactions to certain things.
4) I also got the feeling from reading your post that your intention behind doing everything is to make HIM happy. I could be wrong but I got the sense that you're trying to be a great wife in order to make him happy. I think you need to start doing things that make YOU happy. For example: If you clean the house....do it b/c YOU want to do it to keep the house clean...not b/c you think it'll make him happy.
BTW, due to your husband's views on women...I'm curious....is your baby a boy or girl? (you don't have to answer if you're not comfy sharing). :)
A boy but either way I am not comfortable him saying that. Not every woman is bad just like not every man is bad.
Thing is, when you do something for your family, for your house, you do it for everyone. If he earns and I don't respect that. If waste his money here and there buying things I don't need, I am definitely not respecting his hard work. I don't tell him uff baas itni si income aaei ghar main. I don't say that. I appreciate every single penny he earns. So in return I should get the respect and appreciation for my hard work too.
Whatever mistakes I made by not telling him what my health situation was like, does he ever stop and think why she did it?? NO... all he thinks is I am some sort of psycho not telling him my pain and I like to go through it. He is just a na shukra. Oh so everyone gives birth.. no big deal. My sister did it... she is alive ... you can do it too. Pain will not kill you! Grrr that mentality.
How is your relationship with his mother? There were only a few times where my mom told my dadi about concerns she had with my dad...and she actually supported my mom. Something you can look into...if talking calmly has not worked. I don't know if you want to consider taking a break from him...going away for a while. Would that make him snap out of it?
I have a situation. Actually not even a situation, I just need opinions. I have a pretty happy marriage. Husband does well, makes good money. I don't have to work. We have a beautiful 4 month old baby. No in-laws ka chakkar. No sariyal saas or nand but we both fight a lot over small issues every now and then. He is a typical mama’s boy. What mama said is always right. His parents’ approach is to be always there for the kids and umm somewhat interfere in their lives. They tell us all the time what to do. They tell their kids all the time what to do and how to deal with things. His mom tells me all the time beta aisa nahi aisa karo. Although she is nice but I don’t agree that you need to always give your opinion and tell people how things should be done. My parents are totally opposite. They hardly tell my SIL what she needs to do. So yes, my brother and my SIL does somewhat take advantage of my parents. Now my husband is always torturing with me by saying how your parents do it all wrong and that’s why people take advantage of them. Meri maa ki tarhan hitler hoon to sab teekh rehtay hain. I don’t like that being said to me all the time. I HATE IT. He says it in a way that it hurts me.
He goes on to say oh larki ke maa baap is never the guy’s responsibility and that guy’s parents are everything and that the girl should be nice to them and cook, clean etc for them to have a good relationship with the husband. He hasn’t done anything yet but I feel when time comes where I have to take care of my parents, he will simply refuse with the kind of attitude he has. And like I said, I HATE that being said all the time.
My mom came to take care of me and my baby when I gave birth. I had a very very very tough pregnancy. I was very close to abort my child because of the development defect doctors found in him at my scan. It was a major thing for me. I went into depression. I use to cry all the time and pray to Allah to give my baby a healthy life. My mom came at my delivery and really took care of my baby. I did nothing. She used to stay up all night with my new born to take care of his need so I can get some rest. Now my husband is always telling me, why did your mother do all of this.. Yeh saray kaam to tum bhi kar sakhti theen… maar to nahi rahi theen. I was in soooooo much pain, not just physically but emotionally too. My baby was born fine AH but the whole ordeal was way too much and I needed my mom’s help. So rather then saying thanks to my mother for taking care of us for a whole month, she cooked, cleaned, took care of my baby he says koi bara kaam nahi kia…. Tum bhi kar sakhti theen, you were okay to do all that… LIKE WTH!
So tell me guys… am I wrong arguing with my husband on all these things? More than anything, it hurts me to listen to these things.
*So ask him where he pulled this out from, because it smells a little.
*