So found out my younger sis is expecting yesterday. I’ve been married 4 1/2 years and am still trying with the ivf process. my sis got married in Jan and is now expecting. My happiness for her was quickly quashed by my parents negative behaviour. They know i have been trying but they were so mean to me when they found out. They have been ignoring me and now almost worshipping her. They told me i should be ashamed that she “beat me to it”. All of my naanke are saying that “she is the winner”. It’s incredibly frustrating and saddening. I"m not jealous, i’m happy for her that she doesn’t have to go through the same problems as me. InshaAllah me and my husband are going for another IVF procedure next year (more details in the parenting thread) and we will eventually have our own.
But how does anyone cope when they don’t even have their parents support? Not even my in-laws are like this.
Re: When younger siblings have children before yourself..
I'm so sorry to hear that your parents are being so negative and non supportive. I'm not really sure what advice to give you but just to say that although it's hurtful and unless you've tried to communicate to your parents about how they are making you feel, to just try and ignore them. I'm assuming you have the support of other people, maybe your sister? Your husband for sure. Focus on this instead and I hope Allah grants you your wish of children (Ameen!) :) x
Re: When younger siblings have children before yourself..
wow.. thats pretty mean of them. are you sure you aren't misunderstanding your parents? do they think you havent had kids yet because you didnt want them?
Re: When younger siblings have children before yourself..
Sad to see this type of behavior in educated families. Hang in there. Inshallah everything will go well for you and the next time you will be successful and have a healthy and happy child. And if it doesn't happen, don't beat yourself up over it. You haven't done ANYTHING wrong.
Re: When younger siblings have children before yourself..
wow I'm sorry your parents are acting like that, especially since they know you're trying. I had issues concieving and, trust me I know how you feel, you're happy for your sister but can't help but be reminded of your own struggle. Just hang in there, inshallah it will happen for you, I hope your next round of IVF is successful.
Re: When younger siblings have children before yourself..
wow.. thats pretty mean of them. are you sure you aren't misunderstanding your parents? do they think you havent had kids yet because you didnt want them?
They know i really want children of my own. It's not hard to misunderstand the words " she beat you to it"
Re: When younger siblings have children before yourself..
And what makes it worse is that we're 4 gen aussie and this stupid pakistani pindu attitude is still in my family. My sister's treating us fine, hasn't said or done anything hurtful.
I've been upset for the last 24 hours, took sleeping pills to sleep and am becoming a train wrreck. It wouldn't be so hard if i had my parent's support. My dad isn't even talking to me. They offered her $5000 to do up a nursery, but never offered me anything for ivf. I can only do ivf when i save up enough for it. It's just not fair
I don't thnk i'm going to go to my parents place anymore. I don't even want to see their faces.
Re: When younger siblings have children before yourself..
There are people out there that are in the same situation as you. There are people out there that have been there and come out of it all. It is a difficult time to relate to friends and family who do have children, you may even find yourself avoiding contact with them. You will have difficult times when someone close to you announces that she is pregnant, or miscarries, or has a baby. You will see other families and ache inside. To be deprived of being able to hold your baby is a terrible thing. I empathise with your situation. I feel your pain and inshallah you will come out of it. It is a shame that your family are not sensitive to your needs and supportive.
Re: When younger siblings have children before yourself..
This type of behaviour from others really hurt esp when it comes from your own family/parents. Getting pregnant and having a baby is not a competition. There is a supreme and ultimate authority of God that decides everything and saying stuff like that to you only shows that how these people undermine the power of God. You don't know what rewards Allah has kept for you in future. In your heart just tell Allah that I leave the matter on you and pray for a baby. Who knows 10 years later who will be where and who will have more or less in their lives.
Re: When younger siblings have children before yourself..
One more thing, being a khala is a joy in itself...I love being a khala. Dont let ANYONE ruin it for you. Its an amazing feeling holding a baby that is in a small way a little bit of you. You cannot imagine what a wonderful experience you have to look forward to, Inshallah.
Logon ka kya hai. They will talk as they have before - what else is new?
When you're single, you hear tanay to get married. When you get married, you hear tanay to have a baby. When you do have a baby - Inshallah - you will hear tanay to have another one. If its a girl, you hear it until you have a boy. If its a boy, you hear it until you have a girl.
Re: When younger siblings have children before yourself..
The attitude of your parents is condemnable but grow strong and never ever indulge yourself in self-pity, for it only add miseries to one’s life.
What I would suggest to you, is to go a little vocal. Instead of feeling down and isolated, go and talk to your mother about how their attitude is disheartening to you. Share your feelings with her that how sad you feel when someone use such harsh words for you. Even if she does not pay heed to it, at least it would be in her knowledge and the only thing is to make her aware of your side of the story. It’s better than listening to the words jealous, envious etc in near future when you avoid them as you said above.
Wish you all the best. Hope to listen good from you soon
Re: When younger siblings have children before yourself..
AoA...
So found out my younger sis is expecting yesterday. I've been married 4 1/2 years and am still trying with the ivf process. my sis got married in Jan and is now expecting. My happiness for her was quickly quashed by my parents negative behaviour. They know i have been trying but they were so mean to me when they found out. They have been ignoring me and now almost worshipping her. They told me i should be ashamed that she "beat me to it". All of my naanke are saying that "she is the winner". It's incredibly frustrating and saddening. I"m not jealous, i'm happy for her that she doesn't have to go through the same problems as me. InshaAllah me and my husband are going for another IVF procedure next year (more details in the parenting thread) and we will eventually have our own.
But how does anyone cope when they don't even have their parents support? Not even my in-laws are like this.
are you sure you are not misreading your parents ? Change in their behaviour cant be so quick i guess.
If that is really the case, all you need to do is to ignore them and live life in your own way.
Re: When younger siblings have children before yourself..
**I'm sorry but I don't agree with people here calling your parents behaviour stupid or idiotic and condemning it and you yourself thinking the worst of your parents for it without knowing the context in which this was said.
Now unless these are your evil step parents , no parent would be intentionally mean or cruel or hurtful to their child especially knowing that their child is hurt or hurting over something.
Yes they may have said those things but you have to think what was the context in which it was said ?
And secondly they are humans too.........they can make mistakes or say things not realizing it may be misconstrued....or how it maybe perceived.......are we saying that as children we have NEVER said anything hurtful to our parents ? Din't we while growing up or as teenagers or even as adults sometimes get aggravated with them and say something we shouldn't have ?
How would you describe your parents otherwise ? Are they generally mean and hurtful people ? If not then maybe its the "sensitvity" of your own situation that makes you "feel" every little word and take it more personally than you normally would have.....and again I don't blame you for that , anyone in your situation would be extra sensitive in these matters...........
What I'm saying is don't be quick to take matters to heart especially where your own parents are concerned.....i'm sure they love you and probably feel more frustrated and helpless for you than even yourself.**
Re: When younger siblings have children before yourself..
^ i agree here with sheyn. ur taking things too personally but if i see from ur point u have every reason to be sad..
But just let ur parents know, that everything is in Allah Tallah's hand, He is the creator. There is a right time for u, InshAllah u'll have kids soon.
Re: When younger siblings have children before yourself..
" They offered her $5000 to do up a nursery, but never offered me anything for ivf. I can only do ivf when i save up enough for it. It's just not fair"
I think this is sad and unfair as you mentioned yourself. Why cant they help out you instead?
