I answered it didn't I?. I was just minding my business and posted my answer for OP, but all of a sudden you came out of nowhere and attacked me as someone from a small town in Pakistan. I wasn't even talking to you but you started out with personal attacks. You need to stop being so angry and understand your real identity. You are neither American nor Pakistani.
It is what it is isnt it? Your original post was offensive, condescending and snobby. You actually think families who care so much for their daughters they will make sure the suitors are telling the truth...are ignorant/low class/uneducated.
You could be from a small town in Belgium...it does not matter. You still have a very limited view and thats what makes your opinion of me so.........unimportant.
I see you are trying really hard to insult me. The thing is Omer for some reason...small minded people dont offend me. They have my pity...not my anger.
It really isn't that simple in the West to just go ask another desi person about the person you're interested in. Out of all the rishta offers I had, I got references from relatives and friends in Pakistan and that was it. Beyond that nobody in our social circle knew the person or their family. The relatives and friends in Pakistan knew OF them but not about them so they could hardly give much information about the kind of families they were. So in that case if we wanted to investigate the only option we did have was to call up the university and ask about a person.
With a population of 300 million and an area of 9 million km2, the chances of knowing those minorities spread out all over are pretty slim. Yes sometimes you're lucky and someone knows someone who knows this person etc. But most of the time you're not that lucky, and you hear from someone that hey there's this 26 year old investment banker living in nyc, i'll give you their contact info. The guy could easily be a taxi driver or from a drug lords family or anything. The onus lies on you to ensure that the person is suitable, and if that means you have to ask proof that he/she actually has a job because you have no other way of verifying it then so be it.
Also I know of a specific case where this lady from a very well educated rich family in Pakistan didn't want her son to marry her niece in the states (her family kept asking for his hand in marriage I guess) so she knowingly told them the contact of a guy who's father was a criminal. By the time the family found out it was already too late because the wedding preparations were completed. Thats a case where someones own sister screwed them over so she could get them off her back. You cannot account for other peoples actions all you can do is take the responsibility on yourself to ensure that your son/daughter is getting married to the right person.
True, I was making generalizations and not talking bout anyone in specific, until me,my family and country were attacked personally. You quote all my posts as if it is 100% my fault, without quoting any Reha’s posts. She is 0% to blame for anything?. Come on, be fair.
It is what it is isnt it? Your original post was offensive, condescending and snobby. You actually think families who care so much for their daughters they will make sure the suitors are telling the truth...are ignorant/low class/uneducated.
You could be from a small town in Belgium...it does not matter. You still have a very limited view and thats what makes your opinion of me so.........unimportant.
I see you are trying really hard to insult me. The thing is Omer for some reason...small minded people dont offend me. They have my pity...not my anger.
My views are limited and you are very broad minded?. Oh, come off it. I am so happy that I came back to Pakistan after I finished my studies, even though I got a job there. I really couldn't take this drama.Your efforts at insulting me are also not that feeble. Your opinion to me is also unimportant and you have my pity. You are clueless about Pakistani culture and the sad thing is you do not realize it and think you know everything going on here.
This is your first post and your first offense that incited my response. The bold part is what annoys people.
To be fair.
Trust me, we’re very happy too. Its not like we dont have enough to worry about here. Thank you for the brief personal bio as well…we were all waiting anxiously to find out what you did after studies. Regardless, I dont think you understood my post.
Where did I say I know everything about Pakistani culture? In fact, I specifically said I dont…I only go for a month at a time…how would I know? Why is that even a concern? Im referring to rishta process HERE in the US…how things are done THERE is different and Ive stated that multiple times.
True, I was making generalizations and not talking bout anyone in specific, until me,my family and country were attacked personally. You quote all my posts as if it is 100% my fault, without quoting any Reha's posts. She is 0% to blame for anything?. Come on, be fair.
There is a difference between a general statement that does not apply to anyone in particular versus a generalization. A generalization is when you apply a statement to a broad group of people and ascribe characteristics to the entire group and that's precisely what you did in the first comment you opened with calling people who ask for such proof about a prospective rishta greedy and jaahil and not of a shareef tapka.
What you failed to do was read Reha's earlier comments - she didn't ask for proof about bank statements and finances. She suggested asking for proof of education, job and residency. The first speaks to a person's ambition, enlightenment and career prospects, the second his financial stability and the third possibly his motive for getting married, all of which are factors considered by a family when deciding whether they should marry their daughter into a family. Reha also said that a guy's family can ask similar questions of a girl's family.
And again - there are different ways to do that. Some prospectives want to be asked directly, others are not so forthcoming and the families definitely need to investigate. But added to verifying this information is the need to get to know the other family directly and discover whether they have shared values and mindsets.
I'd like to think that the point of agreement between you and Reha is that neither of your families wants their child to marry into a family that is a liar and is seeking to deceive you. Now, it's up to each family how they verify the information. Neither approach is wrong and neither can judge the other at fault for wanting what's best for their child. Agreed?
It really isn't that simple in the West to just go ask another desi person about the person you're interested in. Out of all the rishta offers I had, I got references from relatives and friends in Pakistan and that was it. Beyond that nobody in our social circle knew the person or their family. The relatives and friends in Pakistan knew OF them but not about them so they could hardly give much information about the kind of families they were. So in that case if we wanted to investigate the only option we did have was to call up the university and ask about a person.
With a population of 300 million and an area of 9 million km2, the chances of knowing those minorities spread out all over are pretty slim. Yes sometimes you're lucky and someone knows someone who knows this person etc. But most of the time you're not that lucky, and you hear from someone that hey there's this 26 year old investment banker living in nyc, i'll give you their contact info. The guy could easily be a taxi driver or from a drug lords family or anything. The onus lies on you to ensure that the person is suitable, and if that means you have to ask proof that he/she actually has a job because you have no other way of verifying it then so be it.
Also I know of a specific case where this lady from a very well educated rich family in Pakistan didn't want her son to marry her niece in the states (her family kept asking for his hand in marriage I guess) so she knowingly told them the contact of a guy who's father was a criminal. By the time the family found out it was already too late because the wedding preparations were completed. Thats a case where someones own sister screwed them over so she could get them off her back. You cannot account for other peoples actions all you can do is take the responsibility on yourself to ensure that your son/daughter is getting married to the right person.
I agree with you and you have a valid point, but what I do not understand is why would anyone even think about making a decision about their son/daughter's life and involve with people who they do not trust enough to have to demand education, salary proof. Let's say the education and salary checks out, where do you draw the line, would you ask about proof of ever statement/claim they make. How can a relationship grow if there is lack of trust to begin with?. Instead of shooting in the dark and thinking everyone is out there to defraud you, isn't it better to involve yourself with people you know. Sure, Frauds can happen there too, but so can they even after full background check. You can never predict anyone's personality and how he/she will behave in the future.
You do realize that your attitude has just gotten more horrid :hinna:
You’re looking down on “lower class or uneducated people” with your comment - just in case you didn’t get the memo - insaan ki sharaafat uskay zaat aur taleem akela sai nahin maaloom hota hai. It’s also a condition of his humility and his being roshan zehan, in other words being able to see other perspectives and appreciate that different people have different experiences.
Yup I so can. They also will be old ladies phoning up each other and saying oh ho nasreen o munda dekha shi main abhi AMEERKA dhi saari universitIYAN noon phone karte hui.
hahahaha
what a mess - mates investigation traits which seems fine for desi parents living in west are simply not applicable in Pakistan .... it is a different world here ... For people living in west - there are few things they must check first before processing further ...
And I dont see any harm in it ....
If some one ask for my balance sheet - if want to see theirs in return ... fair enough I say !
Sadly Desi people ( for both sides) do make false claims where it comes to marriage in our society ... No harm if they get checked ..
I agree with you and you have a valid point, but what I do not understand is why would anyone even think about making a decision about their son/daughter's life and involve with people who they do not trust enough to have to demand education, salary proof. Let's say the education and salary checks out, where do you draw the line, would you ask about proof of ever statement/claim they make. How can a relationship grow if there is lack of trust to begin with?. Instead of shooting in the dark and thinking everyone is out there to defraud you, isn't it better to involve yourself with people you know. Sure, Frauds can happen there too, but so can they even after full background check. You can never predict anyone's personality and how he/she will behave in the future.
trust develops with the passage of time, n specially in this rishta matter, one cannot have a blind trust on another, so if girl's parents wanna see the degrees, residency docs., etc. it shows that they really care for their daughter's future, n they don't wanna be Swindled ( weather in pak or abroad) , n in the same way other party have got rights to ask aswell, wen it comes to the matter of one's life n future, its all worth it, i see no harm in it personally
Interesting discussion. Although I don't approve of Omer259's condescending attitude, I agree with the points he made regarding how things work in Pakistan.
Regardless, I dont think you understood my post. 
