*disclaimer in advance i know this is a sensitive topic. this thread is not meant to make anyone who is divorced feel bad and i sincerely mean this. i have friends and now some cousins who are divorced and i truly can respect the fact that a divorce is a highly misfortunate happenning but doesn’t mean that someone who is divorced is bad or has committed a blatant one sided fault.
I just want to probe further into the psyche of divorce…
and i hardly want to take pleasure at someone’s misfortunes b/c i have TRULY experienced that when you do that Allah swt DEFINITELY makes you face the same obstacles and throws the same misfortunes in your own face…
I’d really appreciate some kind of insight into this matter from people who have gone through a divorce or whose near and dear ones have gone through a divorce, people who have seen a divorce happen closely…
I was always a proponent of the concept that a couple once married should stick together NO MATTER WHAT and that divorce should never ever EVER be an option…
It is one of the most hated acts in front of Allah swt’s eyes…plus the stigma attached to it in our society atleast used to be huge…
There’s this concept in desi culture that when a daughter is leaving her father’s home at the time of marriage she should have the thought in her mind that her “doli” is leaving her father’s house and only her “janaza” should leave from her susraal, and she must spend her entire life as a devoted wife in her susraal.
Recently though after seeing some married couples I’ve started to think whether this is a realistic/practical thought…?
Its also true that recently the ratio of divorce in Pakistan has been on the rise.
I heard from someone who visits the city courts in Karachi regularly that she sees people who are old enough to be grandparents contesting divorce cases and wanting divorce after living together for 20, 30 years.
If you are such a couple that whenever you talk you fight or atleast 70% of the times you fight, there is a huge communication gap, you can’t even share a joke and laugh together light heartedly, your thoughts on every matter seem to be entirely different, your relatives dont trust your spouse and your spouse’s relatives don’t trust you, your marital relationship is non existent and you’re simply two people living in the same house, you not just emotionally but physically abuse each other when you have fights…
Is there a virtue then in your being together?
We say that children benefit from the mother and father being together. But do children benefit when they see their parents fighting all the time or their parents having a really weird relationship and thus there being tension in the house all the time? Is that a healthy atmosphere for the house?
The fight usually translates into the next generation, the children, as well and then the children get divided between the parents. And then the relationship of the child who is on the side of one parent goes bad with the other parent. And what kind of a human being are you when your relationship with your own parent is not good, what hope can you have for the future then, because Allah swt will never be happy with someone whose parent is not happy with them. The siblings themselves become enemies of one another.
Is it true that it all boils down to:
How sacred do you hold the idea of marriage to not break that bond?
And also there is an assumption that two people who are in a marriage do necessarily want the marriage to work. But I guess this is wrong or is it?
There seems to be pros and cons in both situations.
If you fight when you are together, atleast there must be some times when you cherish each other’s companionship, atleast you are married to each other. And life is not always a bed of roses anyway, there’s always good and bad days. Is it really true that one is happier after the divorce? Is happiness not a state of mind or is it really the result of circumstances? Maybe one could have convinced themselves that they were indeed happy before the divorce just like they are able to convince themselves afterwards.
If you get divorced, then you are no longer together, you are alone. You, and your kids, are attached with the social stigma of divorce, which can be shaken off, but just like any other negative experience of like, it is a black spot in your personal life, and shakes your confidence in yourself. If you get remarried then there are pros and cons to that too.
As for the children being affected and divided, that happens in the case of before and after divorce both.
Can the effort that leads to dealing with the post divorce trauma not be applied towards improving the marital relationship?
Another thing is…recently, in front of my eyes, I have seen so many marriages go bad, and so many people have marital problems, that the whole idea of marriage seems really really scary. It seems like marriage itself is such a huge responsibility, almost a task? Married life is so much constant emotional and physical work? I really feel sometimes like do I even have it in me to sustain a relationship? Is it better for one if they remain single, not get married, at least that way they will only spoil their own life, and won’t have the gunah (sin) of spoilng the lives of their spouse and their kids if they don’t come up to the proper role that is expected of a married person?
Can some people who are happilly married (Its so difficult to find such couples these days 
) tell me about this? How do you guys feel about marriage and how it has added to your life and what it means to you to be married and have a family? Do you have some positive things to say?
by “sacred” i guess mera matlab tha “a relationship that demands respect and importance” aur toh kuch bhee nai 
u go and watch them yourself 
heart attack
poora Gupshup jaanta hae ye baat aur tumhein ab pata chal rha hae 
