I heard from my mom about this girl in our distant family who has had trouble getting married because of her short height. Her parents now want to marry her off to this other guy from the family who is mentally handicapped. We’ve played with this guy as kids when we were little. He’s not totally out there, just slow with a very low IQ. The girl is 12-15 years older than him.
My question being, she’s not mentally handicapped.. is it so wrong for her to live her life the way it is? I don’t know how much schooling she’s had, but is it that hard for a single woman to live a life alone that her parents deem it better to send her off with a retard?
Like my mumani's sister she is pretty and with the looks a great education too. Only problem is that she wasn't able to hear well, so her family deemed her to marry an old fart. What gives!!
As for the girl that you know why won't they let her be : ) why put her through so much torture! there are many eligible bachelors out there who wouldn't mind her height be it 4 feet but hey some people look at it as a deficiency.
My question being, she's not mentally handicapped.. is it so wrong for her to live her life the way it is?
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dont' u know the answer to ur question Hayaa?
i think its wrong for her parents to force her into this. I am sure that there will be someone (not that hard to find), who won't mind abt her height. I personally know 2 girls who are hardly five feet and both of their husbands are 6+.
However, our society (not Canadian) but Pakistani/Indian society would not let her live that easily. People will make stories, fingers will be pointed at and all that stuff.
Parents should NEVER force their kids into marriage, thats why i never liked the idea of arranged marriage. However that would be a totally different story if she is happy (not cause she is a furma bardar daughter, but truly happy) with her parent's decision.
Lot of factors must be taken into account..before i conclude anything.
What does the girl say about it herself. Lot of times i have seen that girls who don't have enough education or have low self-esteem (that can be forced into their minds by surroundings) are victimized. Sometimes the girls hear so much..and they get fed up..and it seems that they wanna get out that family/household..that's why they just don't say anything anymore.
My own aunt got married around 40'sh and she had her education..and was working full time..but..at one point..you hear so many taanay tishnay from people around..that you don't care..kay kisi say bhi shadi ho jaay. Its very hard to live as a single female.
I know of so many girls in my family that are short..but they are married. One of my dad's cousin is short..but her husband is like above 6 feet.
this is sad .. one of my cousin is deaf.. but Mashallah she is very smart otherwise and intelligent. funny i dont know if we ever thought once how will she get married because its not that big of a issue right now perhaps.
My own aunt got married around 40'sh and she had her education..and was working full time..but..at one point..you hear so many taanay tishnay from people around..that you don't care..kay kisi say bhi shadi ho jaay. Its very hard to live as a single female. <<
Why is so hard to live alone? You're making your own money, working fulltime 'n all. I can understand that you need a partner, someone you can love an all other criteria for a perfect live, lekin if you're going for kisi se bhi shadi ho jae option tau what exactly do you want? A chowkidar? Living alone is not an ideal situation but your life partner should not be an option open for compromises.
Hayaa this situation is pretty common I've seen an example in our village. This female ended up becoming common wife for a few men in the house. If your cousin is brought up with the thought that she's not perfect, she'll probably be comfortable with the marriage, for sometime at least. One can't blame her parents either they're probably trying to protect and secure her future. Unless this person she's being married to is a kid she's probably in her 30ies so maybe they've failed to find a normal person for her who's willing to accept her. Her parents probably didn't think of this person as the first option.
Sabah:
Living alone is not an ideal situation but your life partner should not be an option open for compromise.
Life is but a compromise. The above situation is no doubt condemnable, however, sometimes seemingly 'fine' people ( mentally as well as physically) are forced to swallow this bitter pill... which inturn can make them mentally ill in the long run. :)
I ve found that Ialways have to write on a steamed mirror...
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*Originally posted by sabah: *
Why is so hard to live alone? You're making your own money, working fulltime 'n all. I can understand that you need a partner, someone you can love an all other criteria for a perfect live, lekin if you're going for kisi se bhi shadi ho jae option tau what exactly do you want? A chowkidar? Living alone is not an ideal situation but your life partner should not be an option open for compromises.
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It is hard to live alone for a female, especially in Pakistan. Maybe in the progressive parts of major cities, such might not be the case, but since most of our population doesn't live in the progressive areas it becomes difficult for a woman to live on her own. Firstly, it's not a norm for a woman to live alone, secondly for that reason, the society finds it hard to accept it. Then, men don't leave you alone. How much of a security does a typical female have in Pakistan? Should that security be threatened, what is the guarantee that she'll be protected by law? Chances are there isn't much that the law would do for her.
As for hayaa's distant relative, the girl doesn't have much of a choice. Chances are that if she's being married off to a guy with a low IQ, there isn't much she can do about it. She can't live alone, most probably her family would flat out not allow it. Secondly if she refuses to marry this guy, she would probably hear it from people around her as this guy is probably the last resort, as she hasn't gotten a better prospective. It's tough dealing with it psychologically so she'd probably give in and become a 'common' wife to the family she's being married into.
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*Originally posted by sabah:
Why is so hard to live alone? You're making your own money, working fulltime 'n all. I can understand that you need a partner, someone you can love an all other criteria for a perfect live, lekin if you're going for kisi se bhi shadi ho jae option tau what exactly do you want? A chowkidar? Living alone is not an ideal situation but your life partner should not be an option open for compromises.
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Sabah took it right out of my mouth. WHY is it so hard to live the life of a single woman. If she had no relatives, feared for her safety, then may be I would understand it. But her parents are living, she's got two other sisters as far as I gathered from the story, and knowing what little I know about my dad's side of the family...it's HUGE! She's not alone, her older sister had an M.A., I doubt she's totally illiterate, I don't see why she couldn't support herself. May be she wants to get married, that's fine, but I do know she wouldn't want to get married to someone who has trouble looking after his own self.
When I meant short, I was implying 3 and a half feet or around there.. or so that's how my dad remembers it. I personally do not see that as a flaw. No one is perfect, why should some physical attribute that she has no control over be cause for judging her?
My parents didn't feel comfortable discussing it with me, may be because they saw how horrified I was; knowing how closely I've had the chance to see this guy. But the thought that her parents would go so far so people don't 'point fingers,' the way I see it this is all the more reason for pointing fingers. And it's not like there is a shortage of dwarf men in Pakistan.
It's no laughing matter though, it's always troubled me how much pressure and emphasis there is on marriage, it should be an option not a forced necessity.
lost soul, I've observed you become progressively bitter for a while now. We're not as helpless as we're made to believe sometimes. Fight for your right, even if you lose, at least you'll know you tried. :)
LS, life is what you make of it :) For every challenge in life you need to decide how much you're willing to loose to win it. If by compromising for a life partner you win something more than what you know you'll loose, go for it else fight it.
Sehar, my first teacher in Pak choose to stay single. No one has ever uttered a single word against her, or at least I never heard anything. She was young when I left Pak, and pretty as well. Whenever I think of females living on their own by choice and the difficulties they may face, I think of her. I don't know how females are protected by law in Pak it's all assumptions based on info from dramas. But personally I would choose to fight the possible threat of society than living with a compromise. Lekin we're all different. My comments were not only based on situations in Pak, in western society where we live, it's hard to live only if you make it difficult for your self. You need to decide how much you're willing to loose to get what you want. If you don't make your own decisions others will do it for you for sure. It's all about taking charge of your own life.
Hayaa's relative has a choice but she might not have been raised to realize that, so yeah it's sad.
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*Originally posted by sabah: *
Nah NeS, immature generalizations sux.
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but if something (=in this case a certain pattern) occurs very often....then making generalizations isn't that bad, but anyway let me rephrase: the pakistani 'pind' culture, with some minor (very difficult to find) exceptions, sux...
I've just flicked through this thread, haven't had time to read the lot, but I've seen two cases here where retard sons have gone back to Pakistan and got married to educated girls whom they would never have had a chance in hell with if they didn't hold a British passport. Life must be pretty bad back there if people are prepared to marry off their daughters to guys with a mental age of 4.
if someone is retarded, then that person has quite a high chance of having off-spring which is retarded too.............didn't the parents of the girl consider that?
Ladies who are asking the question that why it is hard to live alone should really give it a try to live alone to find the answer. If you don't have the desire to live alone then why ask the question? If you do live alone then give it some years to find the answer.
Please do not take this the wrong way but has the lady in question had medical examination? I think that 3 feet and under is abnormal height even in our society where the average height of a woman is 5ft2”. Assuming this is not the general height in her family, the height or rather the lack of it, could indicate some medical complications for example (most commonly), a thyroid disorder. I am guessing living in the kind of closed society that they are in, this would have been the least of the family’s concern despite it being the central problem, as it were.
I have to say like everyone else here I don’t like the idea that this lady is being married off to not a mentally ill but to a mentally disabled person, one step from a total vegetative state. I don't think this is a reflection on her or her family but instead says more about the type society they inhabit. In any case the question is sad as it is it has to be accepted or changed. How do you change it?
I do disagree with the gut-reaction assumption that a person should stay single. This kind of thing is easy for us to say. For those of us who have opportunities in plentiful. But maybe if thought about it from her perspective and what other options were available to her, it might not all be so black and white. Living alone is not the convenience answer that is needed here. I don’t think it is easy to live alone even when you have the opportunities this lady does not. If this lady is in her 30’s and educated a little, I do not think this would have been forced onto her. Maybe she wants, even needs someone to care for to add some meaning to her life. Kaun kiya keh sakta hai?
