this may be offtopic but here is a message for girls when you start buying things with your husband, buy less but good quality.. one item at a time if thats all you can afford.. I had this walmart blender which broke today so its time to invest in a new and better one.. that will be all for the month of February. :$
InshaAllah one day we will have everything that we want but it will be our hard earned money not our parents who did so much for us anyway from toys to education.. no need to buy a dinner set for us grown up working children. :-)
Actually, FOB as a derogatory term has less to do with locality and more to do with mentality: it implies that you’ve managed to drag your @$$ out of the third world but kept your perspective firmly in ‘old country’.
More power to them, actually: it’s one of the very few things I can commend them on.
‘Lol’ indeed. I’m guessing you’re as familiar with the expression “this $hit don’t fly” as I am with the term ‘jahaiz’. :-/
Whose expectations are these, exactly?
Thanks, but no thanks. I’ve had enough of this ‘jahaiz’/‘jahez’ malarky for one lifetime.
Expected by whom? The intended recipients and their “sometimes extended” (WTF?!?) family members? Who’d be daft enough to marry into such a family?
Not really: both the ‘jahaiz’ and the ‘gifts’ you discussed are material objects that the prospective bride or her family are “expected” (though ‘by whom’, and ‘why’ are apparently still up for debate) to provide, else face the potential consequences (Disappointment? Outrage? Spontaneous stove explosion?); I see the issues as two sides to the same coin.
Thanks, but no thanks. I've had enough of this 'jahaiz'/'jahez' malarky for one lifetime.
Alright...well u don't have to visit that thread or this one. We all get your point loud and clear... u have never heard of this 'Jahaiz/Jahez' before ... u think its crazy and don't agree with it. It's not an argument.... I find it shady and don't agree with it which is why I started this thread.
Expected by whom? The intended recipients and their “sometimes extended” (WTF?!?) family members? **Who'd be **daft enough** to marry into such a family?**
There are plenty of girls and women on this board that are marrying into or are married into families that do follow these traditions and customs. You may not agree with these things but it is unnecessary to make a comment like this one. That is not the point of this thread... to ask what kind of a girl would marry into a family who follows these traditions and customs. Every family has their reasons to enter into a rishtaa and every girl has their reasons to marry into a certain family. We are not here to judge the girl about this. I started this thread to basically point out that its whack that this custom exists in our Pakistani culture. Some families follow it, some don't, some girls keep the peace and go along with things, others try to change how things are done.... its all individual situations and stories about how people and their families are dealing/have dealt with this particular part of our culture.
Agreed!! It’s should be “Quality over Quantity” !!! And yes- I hope more and more families and children realize that our parents have done enough for us (both girls and guys side) and that there is no need to go overboard with the extra miscellaneous shaadi expenses. No one should have expectations or feel burdens and the newly married couple should be so excited about building their new life together… by themselves!!
Just to let you girls know, this one-way gift giving is very well practiced in the US...and not by the 'FOB' families only.
i know a guy side family who got four outfits each (four ppl) along with the gold and watches. As far as Jahaiz goes...since the newly wed were moving into an apartment, the girls parents gave her money for all the furniture.
This is just one ex. I have seen at least 5 others in recent years.
PunjabiRose-: **I didnt mean to come across naive, But i havnt gone thru this rishta business yet to see whats coming.. I only know how its done for what my bf told me with his family. IMO i think it was *slightly *extreme of your mother to buy everyone in the guys side a suit tie and shirt. Fair enuff if she wants to go all out on your future hubby, Thats cool.. But the whole family thing. I've never heard of that and quite frankly im grateful i havnt! My bfs mum has already got me outfits but she hasnt said shes got anyone else in my family anything.. As there is *no *need for it. As for furniture etc.. I really really expect me and my bf to buy that together like i said.. I wud be *very *dissapointed if i had to buy it all my self and bring it to our new house.. It wudnt feel like were a married couple.
If your upset with the one way giving why not stop it? If your open with your fiance' why not discuss it with him? I dont think its fair at *all *that the girls give everything and bring everything with them.
And **Gemini the Great your postreally makes the most sense.. :)
to share my experience -- when my brother was getting married, we strongly asked my bhabi's family not to give any gifts to our family. We wanted to stop this custom...but her mother was offended...she was like this is what she did for her older daughter and this is what she wanted to do for her younger one...and i think they gave to the aunts and uncels too, but we did not want them to at all.
now my brother in law is getting married, and my husband is the one who is the head of the family, and i plan on giving gifts to the bride's mother and sister, and bhabis. Inshallah.
PunjabiRose-: **I didnt mean to come across naive, But i havnt gone thru this rishta business yet to see whats coming.. I only know how its done for what my bf told me with his family. IMO i think it was *slightly *extreme of your mother to buy everyone in the guys side a suit tie and shirt. Fair enuff if she wants to go all out on your future hubby, Thats cool.. But the whole family thing. I've never heard of that and quite frankly im grateful i havnt! My bfs mum has already got me outfits but she hasnt said shes got anyone else in my family anything.. As there is *no *need for it. As for furniture etc.. I really really expect me and my bf to buy that together like i said.. I wud be *very *dissapointed if i had to buy it all my self and bring it to our new house.. It wudnt feel like were a married couple.
If your upset with the one way giving why not stop it? If your open with your fiance' why not discuss it with him? I dont think its fair at *all *that the girls give everything and bring everything with them.
And **Gemini the Great your postreally makes the most sense.. :)
No worries MB - I hadn't come across any of the gift giving issues until I got engaged personally and didnt even know about Jahaiz until I read about it in this thread an then asked my mom about it.
First of my all my mom only gave a shirt and a tie to the men... aka my fiance's dad, younger bro, and brother in law. Not an actual suit .....
My mom gave his mom and sister a "suit" aka - a "pakistani jora" along with a shawl and little jewelery.
I was not a fan that my mom was giving the gifts but I did not think it was "Extreme of her" as you put it either.
When your time comes to get engaged and get married - u will have to keep us posted about if YOUR DAD and mom give anything at all to your fiance's family. It's not about what the fiance's family is or isn't giving you. Ofcourse your bf's mom did not get YOUR family anything. That is what I am talking about!!!! That its unfair that its a one-way sided thing.... that either there should be no gifts at all or atleast the guy side should reciprocate.
This thread is about what the girl's side gives at times of the shaadi. And from all the posts I have read in the past that u have given hypos about your family - they do seem very non-traditional. And Im not saying this is a bad or good thing. But I'm just saying that mabey you will not have to deal with this for this reason. Alot of girls families are very traditional and keeping up with Pakistani cultural norms are very important to them because they don't want to let go of where they are from. Unfortunately this comes along with some good traditions and customs and some whack ones (like this one that I have started the thread about).
If you read my posts carefully - u will see that my family does not believe in Jahaiz and therefore I will not get any........ aka my parents are not giving me bedroom furniture and stuff like that. If you also read in my posts, you will see that I have a wonderful relationship with my fiance and ofcourse I have discussed this with him. lol. I am not a fan of the one-way gift giving but it is a tradition that my family DOES follow and is not willing to let this one go. U read my posts and will see that my mom and fiance both say that its dumb for us to give presents to the whole extended family tho. So it will only be gifts to his immediate family. I am not a fan of this but at the end of the day - my parents are my parents and they are the ones paying for my wedding and if it is in their tradition to give gifts to my fiance's family at the time of the shaadi to celebrate... well I cant really stop them. I can voice my opinion which I have ... but that is that.
This thread is more about people sharing their stories/venting about how they dealt with the one-way gift giving tradition. Everyone's situation is different and it should be respected.
Your situation is that your family is non-traditional and your parents will not give your fiances family (when u get engaged) any presents at the time of your wedding. That is what you are saying. And that you will not get any jahaiz either. That is fine. That is your situation and that is your contribution. :)
my parents are my parents and they are the ones paying for my wedding and if it is in their tradition to give gifts to my fiance's family at the time of the shaadi to celebrate... well I cant really stop them. I can voice my opinion which I have ... but that is that.
Thats true. The gift giving is a tradition followed in my family and I don't exactly agree with it but I know I can't stop my parents from doing it because they want to do it and moreover they'll be paying for it too so you can't really tell them what they can and can't spend their money on. When my khala got married my family did they gift thing and my khala really made a fuss because she didn't want gifts to be given since she didn't agree with it but my nan just basically told her that we do this in our family and I'm paying with my money so you shouldn't have a problem with it. We can't stop parents once they start rollin :p
I really don't think its fair either! i mean your getting the pyari dulhan...what more could you want! guys should be the ones giving gifts because they are so happy with getting a bahu.
I know my MIL asked to bring back "nice" stuff for her family. She even said "make sure its nice" thats soo rude! it shouldn't be a requirement...i hate it
Because the girls family has to spend soo much on the wedding/mehndi....its soo expensive to buy gifts too....I don't know if we can afford it....
I think its best to get salwar kamzeez ka kapra.........so it totally looks new (they can't complain that it looks worn) and also they can stitch it to their own size and we don't have to worry about asking for measurements etc etc. And NO expensive watches for the men, just give them shirts...and end of story.
the other women in the family can get shawls.
I knowwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww LOL I am against gift giving in general but this would atleast make wayyyyyy more sense in my book.
Omg I really cant believe how some families actually have the audacity to make comments like this They should atleast take into mind that comments like these are kinda offensive and that is not the way to start a new relationship with another family. Laiken kya karein … its so out of the us kids hands most of the time. I bet your fiance probably has no idea that his Mother even made that comment.
Yes - I agree. Unstitched cloth is the way to go and watches are too overboard Unfortunately I think my mom is still planning to give some sort of gold jewelery to my MIL and Nand tho. I really wish she woudnt… but again..its in our families tradition and there is no arguing with her.
No one should have expectations or feel burdens and the newly married couple should be so excited about building their new life together… by themselves!!
I am against gift giving in general but this would atleast make wayyyyyy more sense in my book.
I really cant believe how some families actually have the audacity to make comments like this 
They should atleast take into mind that comments like these are kinda offensive and that is not the way to start a new relationship with another family. Laiken kya karein … its so out of the us kids hands most of the time. I bet your fiance probably has no idea that his Mother even made that comment.