So this is a topic that has been started in the “how much jahaiz” thread. I wanted to make it into its own thread because I think its an interesting topic.
So yea - I know in some families it is customary for the girl’s side to give gifts to the in-laws (at time of nikkah, rukhsati, … engagement in my case, etc.). I think this is an unnecessary burden on the girls parents!! I am already stressing about it because my mom is already kinda starting to stress about it. I told her not to worry about it and not give anything… but she was like naheen… ladhki walay detain hain… achaa naheen lagta if i dont"
I suggest then giving a simple gift like an outfit. Going back to a post that Pareezay posted in the Jahaiz thread… my mom said the same thing as her mom… that just giving a suit in a bag wouldn’t look good. Has to be gold of some kind.
And sure - my MIL and rest of the family are not the type to demand it or request it. But … at the same time my mom says that its something that has to be given regardless. Even at my engagement - my mom decided to give everyone in my fiance’s family a gift. Shirts and ties for the guys… suits, jewelery & shawl for MIl and SIL. This was done on my naani’s suggestion that it has to be done.
But they didn’t give my family any gifts. How come the girl’s mother and sister are not given gold and such on these type of occasions???
The whole system is unfair and is yet another issue that makes shaadi burdensome in my opinion
There were a few weddings in our desi circle after mine, and alot of those aunties called my mom to talk about how they received nothing from the larkay walas. They were beyond shocked that my inlaws gave presents to my family members because they haven't heard of that happening very often. So I guess it was different with us but still, Im not happy about the whole gold giving.
By the way, I have seen one case where it was the exact opposite: larkay walas took tons and tons of presents for girl's family, and got nothing in return, just chocolates. Ooh, were they shocked and upset.. I heard one of them say, we are the larkay walay, we deserve more respect and they need to do alot more for us.
I have posted this in an older thread…but will post again.
my MIL actually asked my mothers to give gifts to everybody in there family. i wouldn’t have said anything if he only had one of each…khala, mamu, …
but he has about 40 ppl. So now we are expected to give gifts to them all
I got really bad, but my mom said its ok we will do this. So now on top of the gifts (gold set to my MIL, watch for FIL and something gold for three of my SIL, also an outfit for each of them)…we will have to waste money on this.
My FIL found out the next day that his wife asked for this, he got really upset with her and told her to call us and tell us not to worry about it…but its too late…my mom wont listen to her now.
I just feel like the gift giving thing isn’t done with the true spirit behind it… that of showing luv or celebrating the moment (or both).
I mean… it is said they are given for this reason… but larki walay should not have to say “its the right thing to do..thats why we have to give it”. And larkay walay should never have to say (or think) that they deserve more respect and more needs to be given for them… aka have expectations of any sort.
Plus a gift is a gift… people should be happy and satisfied with whatever they get and the gift giver shouldn’t be pressured into giving expensive things like gold. Whatever is given …khushi se do… or kushi se lo.
Actually alot of my moms friends were surprised that she was giving presents to the inlaws at time of the engagement. But my mom said that hamaari family mein hum yeh kartain hain. The whole family pressure bit. And sure, my mom and nani were ultimately really happy the gifts were given because you could tell that the inlaws were genuinely really happy.
But the point of annoyance for me is the issue of it being “one-way” and the pressure of the gift being “good enough/legit”.
It’s totally awesome that your in-laws gave your family presents pareezay … it is kinda unheard of But it also sucks that the gift was not the equivalent to what u gave them. I mean.. i know I am sounding hypocritical. Your family was prob so happy and excited to be getting anything from the larkay walay! But as their daughter it must have bothered u a bit. I know it would bother me (it would bother me more if I knew they gave nothing at all).
It just seems that the girl’s side always have to fork over more $ …
Uff… thats what I am talking about. My mom is already starting to stress on this topic as well… we know that they are not going to ask us for anything… but we already know that there are expectations in the air. I have figured this out simply because now a days my inlaws are buying boat loads of gifts for my SIL’s in laws. So obviously people that buy and give tons of gifts probably expect it too being the larkay walay???
And its the same situation… so many khalaas … phupoos…agay se unkey bachay..and then bachay ke bachay!!! I literally don’t even know how many immediate family members my fiance has. The whole thing is so ridiculous.
I mean… where is the limit??? I wish it would atleast just be gifts to immediate inlaw family. … the whole gift giving to the extended in-law family thing is crazy. Its too much man.
Ok this is what my family did. Usually in my own family .. both the side.. girl and guy's give each other gifts. Husband's family doesn't work that way. Only girl's side give gifts to guy's side. So It was my side to give gifts to his side. We kept it simple. My mom bought kapray for all his siblings and parents of course.. She also bought a small gold set for his mom. So we didn't go overboard with getting gifts to all the khala chachas mamoons.. We got it just for his own family.. siblings i.e. My in laws are super nice.. They didn't ask for anything. We did it because it was something that happens in my family. Apni khushi se.
However my brother's wedding was different. We gave gifts to all my bhabi's family.. but they gave us gifts too.
I love my family .. we don't believe it stupid jahiz and all these things that make shaadi an azab for girl's family. Apni khushi se jo kar dia teekh hai. No one ask and no one tells the girl kia lay ke aayeen theen.
The only reason why I think my family is going to have to give gifts to the khalaas and chachas and agay se unke bachay, etc. is because I have noted that my In-laws are doing that for THEIR daughter. And she’s isnt even marrying a Pakistani!!! They are buying loads of presents for people like the guy’s khalaa…and phupa’s…and their children… etc. So even though I am positive my in-laws will never ever say anything about receiving gifts … they are very nice people and wouldn’t be that rude… i still think there is this air of expectations created. And my mom has already promoted the gift giving by giving them things at the engagement. My mom may be starting to get stressed with this… but she is probably not annoyed… just because she also believes that its something our family does khushi ke liye.
I just find it annoying because I dont like this custom… particularly gift giving to extended family members. Like seriously … anyone please guide me… where is the cut off point??? These khalas and chachas and phupos all have kids… and their kids are married…and then their kids have kids. Who to give and who not to give?
Spiral - i think the gifts your mom gave was reasonable. And its also VERY reasonable keeping it to the immediate family. That makes sense even in my opinion. MashAllah I’m happy that your family has a wonderful understanding. May it always remain taht way.
^ I just particularly always feel guilty in regards for my parents spending money on me now a days. I am so lucky they have paid for my education and I have a doctorate degree living in America with NO LOANS ... this is a huge rehmet on my end.... so now I just feel bad about anything money related. I am the eldest of 5 kids too. My parents have so many other responsibilities still in front of them. Thats why excessive things like extravagant gifts to inlaws and extended in-laws ..... mujhey chubtein hain.....
I got total of 10 heavy outfits and a few normal wear outfits only because in Michigan we hardly have any parties. I did not get any Jahaiz per say from my parents because they decided to throw me a big wedding and I felt that was enough for them since I had a fancy Nikah in pakistan as well. My husband's family did not have any problem with that. My parents did give gifts to my inlaws however, specially my mother in law and sister in law. For my father in law they gave a suit to him. For my husband they gave quiet a lot.
PR I feel the exact same way..On the engagement we gave gifts to all the immediate family and now we are preparing to give to inlaws immediate fam and extended family on top of that shaadi ke kharcha...uff tauba bohat hai..I feel so bad my parents are spending so much..
PR I feel the exact same way..On the engagement we gave gifts to all the immediate family and now we are preparing to give to inlaws immediate fam and extended family on top of that shaadi ke kharcha...uff tauba bohat hai..I feel so bad my parents are spending so much..
It is!! Daughters always are looking out for their parents especially I feel like.... and I think thats why we feel so bad about this stuff. :(
I know. The only sad thing is that it's such a delicate situation that one cannot say anything otherwise bacheri larki ko suna pare ga and what parents want that. I know my parents went out of their way even though my in laws did'nt say anything but they wanted to make sure that nothing goes wrong but yet some family members still found one or two things wrong which is just heart breaking.
^ I just particularly always feel guilty in regards for my parents spending money on me now a days. I am so lucky they have paid for my education and I have a doctorate degree living in America with NO LOANS ... this is a huge rehmet on my end.... so now I just feel bad about anything money related. I am the eldest of 5 kids too. My parents have so many other responsibilities still in front of them. Thats why excessive things like extravagant gifts to inlaws and extended in-laws ..... mujhey chubtein hain.....
Also don't forget.. the eldest one usually is the one the younger ones follow. So if your parents give you something excessive they'll always think they'll have to do the same for your younger siblings. That's just how parents work. They want everything even for all their kids. If you tell them now that you don't want all this fuzol gifts and all, I am sure they'll appreciate it and won't be obligated to do all that for your younger siblings. When I got married, my parents compared everything with what the did for my sister. They wanted everything to be even for us. Kisi ko ziada nahi kisi ko kam nahi.
when my mamu was in the process of getting married, him and my naani explicitly told his fiancee not to give any gifts especially since her mum had passed away and they don't really have any other family around them. he just didn't want them to have this additional burden and to be honest no one in my family would mind that they haven't given anything. but before the wedding they still came around and gave everyone a gift bag. all of the females recieved clothes and gold jewellery and they gave shirts and watches to the guys in my family. i think they did it because they just felt they had to. i can see my parents doing exactly the same thing. even if the grooms side says not to give anything my parents would still do it. they would feel bad for not giving anything at all. i suppose it just comes down to the mentality of not looking cheap and what would other ppl say
Yea exactly… u’v nailed it. But its so not cool that larkay walay do not have this feeling when they do not give gifts. They are not worried about looking cheap or what ppl would say. So I def give props to all those families who give gifts to the girls side if they are larkay walay b/c that is not the norm for sure.
As nice and kind hearted as a lot of people are today… Guy’s side not demanding stuff or even saying don’t give us anything…It is still so strange to me that in most families and in most situations… it is a one-way gift giving from the girls side to the guy’s side. It takes away even more so from the fact that gift giving is truly done in the spirit of love and celebrating.
… i mean where’s the luv from the larkay walay??? I mean… forget presents…the girls parents are freaking give their daughter to them!!! … and what do the ladkhi walay get ???
I agree with PunjabiRose and others who have posted here 100%. Gift giving should be a 2 way street, it is about the happiness of two individuals and two families who are getting together. Both sides deserve equal respect. The girls side and the guys side. Sadly, it also goes back to the old umm non muslim thinking that the girls side and the guys side had the girl is a burden is on the family so we are thanking you to take her away so here is a gift for you. Aap nei hum sei humarei beti lai lei app ka bohaat shukarea!! LOL
I agree with PunjabiRose and others who have posted here 100%. Gift giving should be a 2 way street, it is about the happiness of two individuals and two families who are getting together. Both sides deserve equal respect. The girls side and the guys side. Sadly, it also goes back to the old umm non muslim thinking that the girls side and the guys side had the girl is a burden is on the family so we are thanking you to take her away so here is a gift for you. Aap nei hum sei humarei beti lai lei app ka bohaat shukarea!! LOL
Yah very right and I can actually feel what you are saying Punabi Rose....the guilt is really bad, the whole wedding function, clothes, jewellry, shoes, makeup, dowry and then to top them all giving gifts to the immediate family (that SHOULD include gold besides expensive clothes) the groom and clothes to 22 uncle aunties from MIL side and 35 uncle aunties from FIL side! it all gets too much!!
In our family we only give gifts to the immedite family not the whole khaandan but my fiance told they do so in their family. I told him to provide the list (bcoz frankly I cant memorize how many they are!) my MIL called and said that 'if you dont have it in your family you dont have to do it, hamaray tau hota hai... apki merzi hai...' this was a reply I couldnt interpret whether she wants us to do it or not, I have chosen not to do it!!
salam
as a forigner muslim girl i got sad to hear like this in some area culture...as islam says girl is barkat...then such customs bring burden on girls side so obviously ppl prefer to have son than girl as son can afford some of expenses himself for his wedding also its less ...but for girl side its more & rare girls can pay for their own wedding...
i feel such thoughts come from indian culture unconciously as when they want their girl marry they give money to boy side...but here unconsiouly in some area ppl r doing this indirectly in the name of gifting...
but in islam girl side r not responsible for anything just a short nikah happiness & rest should be paid as mahr to girl & then if she wish she can buy some jahiz for her if not can take with her...nothing is on girl's parents realy...
& one day walima suggested to give by boy parents to start life with barkat....
nothing on wedding on girl parents!!!!
i feel all is coming from indian culture unconsioly....even if its equal for both side still its not according islam but if burden on girl!!! plz u girls try to delete such nonsence customs even if u want gift it should be only exchnaging gift...
ppl always talks so u should reply them logic prove...
here in my country we say we give girl! even in some area we dont give a single thing with girl but rest area jahiz is also become half half....but we say as we give girl we adopted & comes to ur son home thats main thing rest u should respect her & ur family to make all for her...
but this thought of giving son! its indian culture as in islam u ask for girl's hand so she is coming to ur home ...she didnt ask ur hand & u r not coming to u home so girls side gift their girls in islamic values....
so its on us to stop such old unislamic values...wat do u think???
Whatever is given …khushi se do… or kushi se lo.
But it also sucks that the gift was not the equivalent to what u gave them. I mean.. i know I am sounding hypocritical. Your family was prob so happy and excited to be getting anything from the larkay walay! But as their daughter it must have bothered u a bit. I know it would bother me (it would bother me more if I knew they gave nothing at all).
So I def give props to all those families who give gifts to the girls side if they are larkay walay b/c that is not the norm for sure.