What's a good reason

Lifestyle Relationships
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For a couple to live apart from their families?

Going on Suhaina’s thread abt in-laws problems, and they may have been considered frivolous…so i want to ask you guys, what can be considered a good reason?

What if the in laws treat her horribly?
What if the in laws are nice but her husband doesn’t treat her well when he’s around them?

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Re: What's a good reason

Well, there's a lot of positives living in a joint family set up and many negatives as well.

For example, there are too many social obligations in joint families where if the inlaws love entertaining, you get involved automatically and donlt have time for yourself or your children.

Then there are too many levels and layers of advice so you hardly get a chance to make your own decisions.

When girls get married into fully established homes, there isn't much room for them to set up house the way they like it. So you feel like a guest.

Positives, well you always have company. You have someone to watch your kids..someone who loves them. Your children can learn from grandparents, spend quality time with them.

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Re: What's a good reason

to me suhaina's points were not frivolous.they are a girl's biggest fears.n yes when u stay with in laws every little thing becomes a big issue.u find them screening n judging u 24/7 n commenting on everything u do the way u do.u feel like u r a kind of puppet that has to sing n dance on a mils tunes.n if u don't she'll backbite u infront of ur hubby affecting ur relations.

so my best reason is inorder to keep the respect and hav a healthy relation with ur partner its better to keep the distance from ur in laws.also u may not want every little thing that happens b/w u as a couple to leak out n turn into gossips.

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Re: What's a good reason

^ Yes mabrook that's true... as a whole it's not a frivolous concern. You want to live your life the way you want, however, a few replies in that thread did make it seem as if they were silly..

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This is reason enough in my opinion. But I know that there are several desi parents today who have only one son.......yet they understand that living with in-laws can get MESSY.........so they will urge their only son to live separately and become more independent.

But not all parents are like that. And in some situations where parents are not working or might be ill...............there is little choice but for the couple to live with in-laws. And in such situations, as difficult as it is, tolerance and flexibility are important.

Another good enough reason to live separately is PRIVACY. Where the couple can choose to be intimate, make decisions regarding their life, be more comfortable with one another, get to KNOW one another better, and raise their kids in their own way.............without constant meddling and interference.

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Re: What's a good reason

well some ppl thought her concerns were too childish coz either they never lived with in laws or are married for a long time n forgot how it is when u r newly wed :)

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Re: What's a good reason

if people can afford it, its a good idea to live separately.

but if you cant, then be flexible, be kind, be generous and learn to live with the inlaws. I'm sure, they are trying to do the same too...

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Any reason is an adequate reason to live separately. Most desi parents are middle-aged when their children marry, and in good health, so to say that they need care is a bit of a stretch. Sheikhs and scholars recommend separate homes for a good reason - there is too much interference and too many expectations in a joint family set up. My in-laws just went home after spending almost a year with us and it is really difficult.

Joint families worked out better in the past when Pakistan and India were primarily agrarian societies. The life expectancy was much shorter, so a girl would expect to live with her MIL for around 10-15 years. Now women live well into their 80s, and you can expect to live with your MIL for at least 25-30 years. The old model simply doesn't work in today's society.

Every newlywed deserves the opportunity to set up her own home before having to take on the additional responsibilities of caring for children or anyone else.

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Re: What's a good reason

I didn't think her reasons were frivolous at all. Privacy and space are really important. Islamically it's recommended to live away from inlaws (unless they're ill or can't manage on their own obviously) cos it is understood that a woman needs to feel comfortable in her surroundings and feel 'at home', and wouldn't that be pretty hard when ur living out of one little bedroom in ur inlaws house. Someone mentioned not being able to cuddle on the sofa as not being a big deal cos when u have kids, work etc. u won't be able to do much anyway but I think it's a shame that intimacy is not regarded as so important for newlyweds in our culture. I would not accept living with inlaws in their house except on a very short term basis (one month max). Funny some people think it's 'western influence' that a couple lives seperately and the evil demanding DIL is the one at fault but practically every other ethnicity of Muslim man moves out of parental home and still manage to look out for parents, what is it about desi men that means they can't/won't?

Dunno y the leaving home thing is such a big deal for us desis, moving out does not mean abandonment, the couple could live on the same street or just round the corner if MIL (it is usually mother who seems to make the fuss about son moving out) can't seem to cut the apron strings or have parents move in with kids (how practical is it to have a young couple with baby or kids living out of one or two bedrooms in inlaws house anyway, doesn't it make more sense the other way round??) or like I've seen in some families the grandparents spend time living with **each **of their children in turn, that way they get to see the grandkids loads and not too much pressure (hopefully) on each of the daughter-in-laws.

What to do ? (if anything)
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Re: What's a good reason

"Another good enough reason to live separately is PRIVACY. Where the couple can choose to be intimate, make decisions regarding their life, be more comfortable with one another, get to KNOW one another better, and raise their kids in their own way.............without constant meddling and interference."

Totally agree with you redvelvet. I've already noticed a difference in the way my fiance acts/talks around me when we are in front of his family as opposed to alone. Even I have to be EXTREMELY careful what I say around them b/c they are too reserved and I often feel as though I'm "holding back" for fear of saying the wrong thing. sigh

Where were you last night at midnight ?
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Re: What's a good reason

I don't think a couple needs a 'good reason' to live apart from the guy's family. It's the girl's right to have her own home. The Imam always emphasizes this right at every Nikah I have attended coz people in our culture conveniently forget this. I am sure because Islam already gives this right to girls, there are probably very good reasons behind it.

Full Time Masti - May 2013
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Re: What's a good reason

there are pro's and cons to both situations...however since you asked for a good reason to live apart from in-laws..here is one:

it gives the couple the chance to grow.

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Re: What's a good reason

there is no good reason to live with inlaws. my FIL has always stressed that a couple needs to live together, specially in the early yrs of the marriage to get to know each other and understand each other (even if they had been dating). living with others can create a lot of misunderstandings and problems specially if they are the malicious type.

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Living with parents (girls' or guys' parents) - provided they are good people - has many benefits.

There is more barakah in the home, more sukoon, you have guidance, help with the kids, someone who can show you how to do things if you're new to married life, etc.

If you feel you are not able to get along with them it is better to separate early on because its easier to keep good relations. I would try not to live too far though so your inlaws dont feel alienated or you're taking their son away from them. He is their son, after all.

Often times, personalities clash and dont match. In that case...you're better off separating. :)

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Re: What's a good reason

Unless one's inlaws are evil, I dont see a reason to abandon one's parents and live separately. From my perspective, they raised you, fed you, took care of you, provided for your needs - now when they are old, you don't just part your ass. So unless you are facing serious family politics and unrest, you should live with your parents. If it is not working, yeah better to move out, but make sure you take care of them.

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many ppl believe that parents help in many way esp with kids but parents these days hav become more out-going as well. they don't like to teach or baby-sit grandkids anymore.atleast its true for my in-laws n a few of my friends where the mils refuse their own sons to come for dils delivery because its too cold in canada or they miss other kids back home or they r really busy.n in few cases the mils did come but went back right near childbirth without seeing the grandchild or hardly helped around the house and instead spent time visiting friends.
in my opinion even its better to separate right in the beginning so there's little room for developing bitterness.y wait for clashes n lose respect for each other?

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Re: What's a good reason

Mabrook - I was wondering, how would you like your brothers abandoning your parents?

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Re: What's a good reason

my older brother lives separately n we hav no prob.my other one is not married yet but i always tell him as soon as u settle first thing arrange ur own place then get married.

Nawaz appeasing Taliban: Calls for Taliban talks
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Who is we? if that includes your parents, they will never expressly say that they need their sons to take care of them.

Many will agree with your ideas, but it seems rather insensitive to me.

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Re: What's a good reason

it is a very much a desi thing because our financial conditions usually donot allow the luxury of separate house. secondly some guys are horrible sons and make horrible husbands, they expect their wives to take care of their parents without lifting a finger themselves. too bad but too common as well.and in some households more is expected from the daughter in law than from the son himself.unreal expectations lead to bitterness. children who are financially dependant on parents usually see the DIL making alot of adjustment and if its the parents who are dependant then its the parents. i think financial matter seem to dominate the situation in most cases.
this is the sort of thing that one needs to discuss before hand. if you donot think you can put up with sharing accomodation dont head into a marriage, but even then circumstances change. i wouldnt expect my husband to leave his parents unless i was treated unfairly. some adjustments need to be made, parents and guys who make them reasonably donot deserve the added strain. but if you cannot fulfill both roles and can support different accomodation without hurting your parents then go for it.
just something i read in religious material the most right on a guy is that of his mother. so i wouldnt take it lightly, however that doesnt mean that the guy doesnt do anything himself and expects the wife to make all adjustments.