what would you do?

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: what would you do?

He is the youngest son and everyone loves to boss him around.

22

Re: what would you do?

In any kind of relationship, whether it be a spousal or otherwise, a basic level of confidentiality is essential. A simple, unemotional relationship like a doctor/patient relationship requires it too.

With the information provided, I suspect the son hasn't been given enough responsibility as a man by his parents -- in this case, his mother. Even after his marriage, he seems dependent on his mother for her approval and permission. As some of you have described, it is usually termed as 'mama's boy'.

The advice for the wife would be for her to soften her personality overall with the husband. This includes her tone of voice, her actions, her language. What the husband needs, which he doesn't know he does, is a dose of dependance from another person on *him. * Make him feel like he is the man. Ask him for his opinions, his 'permission', his help in everyday life. Even for doing things you are completely independent, ask for his help. The more he feels he has something to be accountable for, he more he'll feel he needs to make proper decisions on the spot.
People like this man have been overshadowed by their mothers who need to control others to validate themselves. His mother has made him believe she is only one he should trust and 'obey'. It's not his fault, its just the way he was raised.
Remember, any sort of harshness from your side towards him will not only be reported to his mother, but will cost you his trust. Work with him, sway him to your side. Build that trust so he trusts you more than her.

This will be a gradual change with preliminary disappointments, but if you don't plan on a divorce and want this to work, hang it there and give it a shot.

Patience and deep breaths.

23

Re: what would you do?

well..another "mom boy" beleive me there is no harm in being close to ammi ji..but there are limits..to what one can disclose to her. You need to talk to him..and tell him that makes things complicated for you and her. But "mom boys" usually never wean..it's a habit.

24

Re: what would you do?

thanks to everyone for their advice and support
we are looking to buy a place and move out soon inshallah
i hope that will imrpove things
i dont mind living with the in laws, i just cant stand the fact that every time we have an argument.....MIL has to know every single thing and then has to throw it in my moms face like you never taught your daughter anything. But if you talk to my nandh's MIL, then you will hear much worse things about the nandh.
Sometimes I think the MIL is trying to get revenge on me cuz of what is happening with the nandh and her MIL.
Just pray for me please since I have given up a lot to make this marriage work including my job and car.

25

Re: what would you do?

^ i hope thats not what ur arguing about.. cos then theyd be little point in your 'sacrifices'

26

I have never shared this with anyone except my mother and sister.
I don't mind making the sacrifices but its just tough to be so patient and have no control of the situation.

I have so much stress cuz of all this and am trying to forget all of this.

I wonder if there is anyone else in the world that is going thru this and who feels the way that I do.
I never had any ill feelings towards anyone in my in laws but they have lots against me cuz of the little things that they do.....for example on our one year anniversary nandh supposedly gives me a shalwar kameez suit that she says she got custom made for me from pakistan ( the suit was pale pink with pearl kaam on tissue and satin) and it was her old suit that she tried to pass it off to me as a present. I just showed it to my mom and she said to return it saying you dont wear light colour suits. Another example is that the saas always gets clothes made for everyone from pakistan (bahus, nands, MIl) and only made one for me which doesnt even have a dupatta that matches and this was an EID present. Saas always buys boutique clothes for herself and nandhs, bahus from Generation and Cyonsure and yet never asks me at all. Hubby said i can place order if i want but I said its okay since I am not into fashion that much.
I have always treated them with respect and went out of my way to give them gifts such as cologne sets (issey miyake, jean paul gaultier, etc.), MAC makeup, toys and clothes for the neices, etc yet i feel like whatever i do isnt good enough.

27

Re: what would you do?

^ then stop doing it. they're not worth ur energy and money especially......

and i hate when people say, well its only clothes its not a big deal etc....when everyone around u is getting the same thing and u get something completely different and less, yes it does hurt......

28

Re: what would you do?

well watever goes on between husabnd and wife should stay between them meaning privacy :aq:

29

Re: what would you do?

One of my favorite passages regarding spouses from the Quran is: "They are clothing for you, and you for them" (Surat al-Baqara: 187). Clothing covers what is inappropriate to be seen in public and it enhances and complements your beauty. People need to keep this in mind in their marriages. The respect due to the spouse requires that you address issues directly with each other, rather than constantly running to third parties.

30

Re: what would you do?

^ well said!

31

when i was married i wouldnt tell me folks about the arguments with my wife not uless they found out as we was living all together - good thing ur moving out best thing to do get ur own place if mother in law is nosey.
:snooty:

32

Re: what would you do?

LC, it seems as though ur sharing your troubles with ur mum and he with his.
what you need to do is tell him directly what your prob is, and if you can show him this thread so he understands your frustrations.

by sharing ur arguments with others ur weakening ur marriage, thats my opinion anyway, every couple argues but if u keep it between the 2 of u it is likely to be resolved much sooner.

good luck.

33

Re: what would you do?

i dont like to tell anyone about the problems yet he loves to run and tell his mother

34

Re: what would you do?

i thimk ur makingthis into a BIGGER PROBLEM THAN IT IS...stop worrying about his mother.
i think because ur so worried about him going to his mother ur making him go...cos he feels let down by you.

i dontb mean to be harsh but ...stop fretting over he mother son issue and get on with the positives in ur life.
no matter how much u hate it they will always have a strong bond.

► Suno Larki
35

Re: what would you do?

see sometimes when negative happens, we try to find reasons as to why it exists - ur nandhs' issue is probably not the reason why ur MIL is finding ways and means to put u down - what have u done wrong to her? ur husband needs to really start acting like a mature adult and a responsible individual - on the other hand maybe sit down and see what u might be doing wrong while arguments that he goes runnin off to his mother. I find that using the same tone and same lingoo as a man triggers some sort of fear in them that needs reconfirmation and since he cant come to u he'll run to his mom instead. try being cool, calm and collected, if u think an argument might start on something, try to go away and drink some water or catch some air. Secondly, if u think ur being treated a certain way by ur saas, its because of what comes to her from her son. U really need to work on him, kindness and politeness will go a long way - whereas any kind of harsh words might just recreate another scene where u'll look bad.

as far as lena dena goes within u and ur in-laws, just because u give something out of good faith to someone doesnt mean they might all do the same, but nonetheless u shud think that they do. I mean I do ALOT for my in-laws, especially for my devars and their wives; but I do it because I love them, not because I want makeup and clothes in return. I think dua's are in itself a bigger gift than anything else. So dont lose hope, insha'Allah Im sure that if u tackle the issue like a mature person everything will fall into place. Dont let the little things get to u.. and also, DONT RETURN THAT JORA UR NANDH GAVE U, it doesnt matter if she has worn it, u shud act like the bigger person.

36

hmmm interesting view point. i m married since 3 years Mashallah but havent faced this prob... I think the guy is really immature if he is goin and tellin his mom everythin so i agree with u that she shud politely speak to her hubby and make him realise this is not acceptable for a man to do. indirectly, make him look around and see other men who are 'mama's boys' in the sense that they DEEPLY love their mothers but they never run to them if they have arguments with wives, unless ofcourse its a big issue.
I think in this materialistic world, mystic, its not easy to give and give and not expect anythign at all. if u r not expecting and love them with all ur heart, u r one of a kind... but seriously not all women are like that... i can tell u i m not... it just pisses me off that every year when we go to pak, we spend so much money on the mom in law... but let alone thankful(the face shud also say rite, not just a plain thanks) she dusnt return me gifts of quality. i mean i know my hubby sends money to her and everythin and she dusnt have authority on money but come on, her son spends so much money on her when he goes, its stupid and rude of her to not spend money wisely on me.... i think i m v sensitive when ppl do not reciprocate my love and feelings, even when its a gift... no need to return immediately, but they should make sure that they equally show they care for me... as much as I do.. thaz my 2 cents!

37

Re: what would you do?

*What he is doing is breaching the spousal trust. Now its a tough and serious situation but you need to be calm and be in control of the situation then feel depressed about it.
*

a. First of all, he is your husband, so you need to defend him not put him in the box to defend himself, you do that he'll keep on going back to his mother.

b. Don't fight / nag / cry or whine about it.

c. Talk to him like an adult that he is breaching your trust. Remember don't use negative words. Use positive words. Basically what you are doing is programming his brain into doing what you want. So its important that you use positive feelings and positive words. If you can, before you talk to him, write everything you want to say, sleep over it, go through it again, edit out things. Once ready, simply spit it out before dinner. Have dinner afterwards and give him a treat. A special one, something out of the ordinary treat. That special treat is to verify or to test him.

d. It very likely that he'll breach it again, since he has been use to it since childhood. That's where "behavior modification" comes in. Now humans respond well to love and affection much more quicker then they do to negativity or whining. So, if he ask for a treat, even after breaching the trust, he gets one but not the special one. Something ordinary. Every time he doesn't breach your trust, he gets something special. Every time he does, he get an ordinary treat. Point is, it makes you in control, and soon enough he will figure out how the whole treat system works. He will give up his behavior but not without a fight. What you did was gain control in the process, gave him a confidence boast, and built extra trust along the way.

P.S. In short, positive feelings expressed with positive words in a positive manner. What you need to figure out is the treat part. As much forward I may seem, men do generally respond well when they are intimate but don't discuss anything; during or after your intimate time.

can i give Zakat to Shia family
38

^ don't ruin your marriage, and your life due to materialistic things .... yes, we humans, no matter how hard we try are affected by materialistics, it must justifyably hurt you when you are not given the same consideration in terms of gifts etc as other girls of the house hold, but this is very common issue that the 'bahus' have to face to some extent or other in pakistani/desi families ...and although hurtful, is entirely materialistic and unimportant in the grand scheme of things...
you should do sabar...it pays off, but takes time

and frankly you are complaining about your husband sharing marriage issues/arguments with his mom...but at the same time you are also letting your own mom influence you in your dealings with your inlaws... in my opinion your mom should not have told u to return the suit (that was supposedly and old suit of your nand)... she should have told you to do sabar, and she should have told you beta no matter how hurt you are (b/c u think the present was not a new suit) you should not let it affect your behaviour towards your sister in laws and your mother in laws... when some one does something wrong to you and you continue doing the right to them, despite how they are behaving with you...sometimes only then they realize their own mistakes and mend their ways
sometimes, it takes them years to realize "wow i treated this person in a crappy way, but they in return were always nice to me"...

both you and your husband should immediately stop letting your moms influence your dealings with eachother and with the other family members before its too late

39

I agree with that perspective.

I was surprised your mother actually gave you that "advice". It doesn't concern me whether or not the suit was old or new or how you personally dealt with it but an experienced woman advising 'this'!?? Strange.
That advice not only made you resent your sister in law more, but it also made matters further uncomfortable and upsetting for both parties not only in the short run but also in the long run.

Lets face it. You live in a desi setting in a desi environment and chances are, you're never going to move far enough to be free of it all ever. I'm not going to judge whether the desi way is right or wrong or advise you on how to deal with your issues. You are a gown woman, you can decide for yourself. However, I will give you my opinion. Most desi MILs don't like confrontational bahooz. Whether you are or not is not the point. The point is, when you take advice like returning the dress, you are clearly being confrontational. And nobody likes that. I'm not saying your SIL was right, I'm simply stating your reaction should never be confrontational since you are the bahoo.

Now, there is nothing wrong in being confrontational if that's your nature. I am confrontational myself. However, I rarely lash back at anyone. But in your case, you don't have your husband backing you up. You cannot make your MIL or SIL unhappy because your husband will pick their word over yours. You will be bashed and your life made a living hell. So unless you plan on taking them 3 of them on, I suggest you learn to ignore and move on.

And please, seriously, either go ahead with it or don't bother with it. Either answer back to them whenever they're unfair to you, lash back, stand up for what you believe in or just stay quiet and ignore. Don't have random outbursts because no one takes that seriously. Its either black or white. No grey matter.

40

You both need to see a marriage counsellor, perhaps u have one who specialises in desi marriages near u.

Can i suggest something? Both of u go outsomewhere like a park or something where u will get some privacy from ppl who know u. Then have a CONVERSATION, u initiate it, start by acknowledging the fact that he does not like u telling your mum stuff. ADMIT u tell your mum stuff and say u have thought about it, and how u have seen it from HIS perspective and how HE must NOT LIKE it.

Then say, that u realised how HE doesnt like it when u tell your mum stuff, cos u also feel bad when HE tells HIS mum stuff. So agree to make a start by not telling your family ANYTHING of the troubles between u, and ask him to do the same by not speaking to his family of your troubles.

Then STICK to it and don't have tantrums.

Timepass- May 2012