What would you do in this Situation

Lifestyle Relationships
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Recently i had a conversation with a close friend regarding Sexual Abuse in the Asian Community focusing on pakistani community.

She told me about a person she knows that suffered from this type of abuse from Cousins or Uncles etc. but this girl never spoke about this to anyone, she was afraid to tell anyone in her family because of this so-called “izat” factor. These events in her life have done alot of mental damage which is why she doesnt want to get married to anyone in her family.

How would you tell somone about this? (keeping in mind that the abuser is a family member)

And how would you tell your future Partner about these incidents?

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Re: What would you do in this Situation

How old is she? And there is NO reason to keep silent...all more reason to speak up! Encourage her to speak up, she needs to fight the abuse & then maybe see a psychologist/therapist to help her overcome mentally what has happened. Those people need to punished for their behavior

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Re: What would you do in this Situation

:chai: she’s about 21 one now but the abuse was done around when she was 10/11 maybe younger

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Re: What would you do in this Situation

I'll share a personal experience since I went through something kind of similar also. When I was 13, one of my dad's first cousins came to visit us with his family. The first time I met him, he was a lil TOO friendly which I sort of ignored. After that, every time we would go to their house or vice versa, he would be exceptionally nice and friendly towards me. Now obviously he's a chacha so everyone was like, oh he must really like you as his own daughter. Later on, I found out that my grandmother and his kids' grandmother had expressed how they wanted me and his son to get married. So when he sent the rishta, I was probably 15 at the time and NOT ready to be engaged/married or whatever. Well guess what- in an attempt to get to know me, he faked an id as his son and tried talking to me online. Obviously kids talk in an entirely different way and his english was more like an older uncle's so I sensed something fishy. A little more probing and I found out that it was him online who was trying to 'talk' to me and all. To me, that was majorly sick. Wait no, that was beyond sick. But it gets worse. Two years earlier than this particular incident, we had all gone to a picnic and when we had gotten back, he had tried to 'touch' me inappropriately. He tried to do it very cunningly by saying how he wanted to show me and my sister his new house and then had sent my sister back to see what time my parents were leaving. But praise the Lord, even though I had gone completely numb when I recognized what the look on his face meant, I had enough sense left to hit him and run off. He moved to another state and we never got to see him or talk to him again until the whole rishta episode but by then, anything to do with him or his family was simply out of question. Not just him but his entire family turned out to be quite some characters and honestly, the further away you are from people like that, the better it is. I didn't get to see him or any of his family members for almost 6-7 years until THIS past summer at a cousin's valima. By now, obviously I have grown up, learnt alot, gotten stronger and have an amazing guy in my life who knows everything and has always supported me. So when I came face to face with him and his son (the one I was suppose to get married to) I knew exactly what to do- act like none of them existed. So when my dad asked me to say salam to him, I ignored it and rudely walked away in front of all my other family members who were there also. Haha, later the pervy uncle comes walking to me and says, if you have an issue with me atleast don't show it in front of other people. My reply was, if you dare to stay around me or even talk to me again after this moment, I am gonna call the cops and say that you're harassing me. And trust me, I wouldn't hesitate a bit about creating drama in front of all the family members here. You're an ass**** and I hope you rot in hell which I am sure you will. I smiled at that and his shocked expression was all the satisfaction I needed before walking off. I have never told my parents or my siblings about this but a couple of my cousins and friends know. To say that I was mentally disturbed for years would be a major understatement. Allah swt saved me from a major trauma but just the fact that a family member would attempt to do something like that still torments me. In my teenage years, I would even have bad dreams about it and once in a blue moon I still do. But I have left everything to Allah swt and I have found a great deal of peace after doing that. I almost ruined my life for being so depressed about it for years and not being able to get over it but I am blessed to be marrying a guy who not only pulled me out of it but made me so so so happy. Today, it doesn't matter to either of us. I think it's about realizing how disgusting such people are and moving on. Nothing good can ever happen to such sinners like my so called uncle who went from being rich to being cheated in business, losing all his money, having heart attacks, turning against his own siblings to the point where noone even wanted to see his face, etc etc. I am not happy that all that happened to him but I still am very indifferent. It's just a sign from Allah swt that people get what they deserve for doing bad things to others.

Phew, never thought I would be so open about it with others but I hope your friend can pull through all this and move on in her life. Honestly, I wouldn't suggest her telling her fiance/husband about it because you never know with men. All the best to her.

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Re: What would you do in this Situation

^ :hugz: thanks for sharing that shay

i just cant beleive how sick people can be :frowning:

Marriage Nightmare. What if your wife..
Marriage Nightmare. What if your wife..
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Re: What would you do in this Situation

wow shay,
I would still call you lucky one. because
1-Its was rotten/painful but not as bad
2-your fiance gave you strength. To over come/fight back.(he is a keeper).

I know 2 of my cousins were molested. One of them was repeatedly R-.
She told me that in her 20s.
And yes I read it in abnormal psychology that insect thins always happen to kids(boys/girls) from when they are really young up to they are like 17 or some thing.
And usually its never reported. Because kids do develop a guilt feeling in them.

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Re: What would you do in this Situation

well my cousin is doin a unit onn child abuse esp sexaul abuse and even said that its really common amongst asians but most of the times its the parents that hide it. my other cousin did tell me a story bout a girl who lives on their street and this girl used to go this mans house to read sabak and basically this guy raped her and did so for over 3 years and she said that shewas too sacred to tell anyone, she ended up getting pregent and wen she was in skool whilst doingP.E she suffered a miscarriage she didnt know wat was happening to her but her teacher let on staright away and called the police and social services, who were asking her who did it,she told tem in the end and the guy who had done ut was put on a sec offender list and also jailed for i think 3 or 4 years

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Re: What would you do in this Situation

IF AND ONLY IF many years have passed… I would just stay quiet and keep away from my abuser.

After so many years people change and there is no reason to ruin many people’s lives over something that has happened say 10+ years ago. What if the abuser has repented, is married and has kids of his own now? You’ll be dragging too many people down in this mess. Oh and let’s not forget it’s your word agains his…and unfortunately desi’s tend to either be in denial or they dont believe the victim at all.

However, if it is an abuse that is current then it should be reported right away. It’s so important to talk to kids about sexual abuse, the signs, what to look out for and what to do if they have been abused. I know for a fact that I am going to be one paranoid mother when it comes to sexual abuse. :bummer:

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Re: What would you do in this Situation

^I concur.

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Re: What would you do in this Situation

A few years ago, I found out that my cousin was abused by her sisters husband when she was very young and they all lived together (as is usually the case in a lot of desi extended families)

She didn't tell anyone for aorund 12 years, but then, not sure how, but she ended up telling her parents. I wasn't that close to the situation, so I don't know what exactly happened.................................
Now, about 10 years after she disclosed all, she is married (albeit she married at a late age), and her husband knows everything..............but to this day she is very mentally unstable and has no confidence or trust in anyone. She doesn't involve herself with family and as far as I know has very few real friends.

Her sister doesn't know about this............and I hope she never finds out............

It's difficult to say how you would react, or who/when yuo would tell.........like metioned before it's the whole izaat thing.
When it's within close family (the abuser) it's even harder and I think a lot of desi families choose to hide/even deny what's happened........................
it's wrong to an extent, but as Shay9164 has said, maybe it's best to leave it to Allah SWT who is the best judge of how to punish someone, and give justice to the victim.

It may not be obvious punishment, but in lots of cases ou hear of people like this losing all that they love (be that family, money,possesions etc) and this is (in this world at least) the best punishment..........but no punishment in this world will prepare them for or compare to the punishment that they receive after they leave this world.

Sabar on the part of the victim will reap the best rewards............
Some even say that Allah SWT favours those who cover anothers bad deeds........so it isn't always best to expose the perpetrator. Well at least not by shouting it from the top of your voice.

There are a lot of bad people in this world and they have no fear of Allah SWT if they are prepared to sink to these disgusting levels.

Generally in our culture (the asian culture in general regardless of religion) you hear very little of these people making the headlines for their crimes.

May Allah SWT give sabar to all those who have suffered at the hands of these cruel animals, and may HE serve his punishment as HE sees right.
May Allah SWT protect us all

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Re: What would you do in this Situation

"Some even say that Allah SWT favours those who cover anothers bad deeds........so it isn't always best to expose the perpetrator." I agree wannabe_a_mum. My cousins told me to tell my parents but why should I? It's not like they can do anything about it now. The most we can do is limit contact and thank Lord, we have. I am just going to cause my parents unnecessary stress and I would hate to be the reason for my parents sadness. Alhumdulillah, I have dealt with it on my own so no need to create a fuss over it. If I was to let it out, people would point fingers at my family because not everyone will believe it anyway. The best is to stay away and let Allah swt do justice which He always does :)

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Re: What would you do in this Situation

Thanks K.A- I remember reading about it in psychology too and it's sad how the kids have to suffer from the consequences practically all their lives. Even more so because alot of them do not seek help. Get a councelor, teacher, anyone to help you out.

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Re: What would you do in this Situation

pathetic.............

rude nands
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Re: What would you do in this Situation

I have to say well done shay9164, u r a very brave girl, and have dealt with the situation so well, and i hope that what you said about Allah swt always being justice :)
all the best

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Re: What would you do in this Situation

The solution to such problems is to hide them. If someone finds out phir apke izzaat jaye gee. And there is no point to lose both your honor in society as well as your innocence.

Pray tell, what these girls are doing in the first place with these men? If you ask me all this "freedom" and competition with men is ruining our society.

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Re: What would you do in this Situation

Bidd3h...please dont do the blame the girl for getting raped thing...especially when in this case we're dealing with minors...

Iv met a few girls that have been raped...its a real shame cos in some way or another it screws up their sex life for good in that they treat intimacy completely differently to those that havent been molested...a couple of the girls just completely disvalued sex and were some of the loosest girls i knew...another one just had no desire to have sex at all...

I like quite a lot of the responses i read...i agree with the avoid the guy thing...bringing it up now will bring back horrible memories and its not about going with the torment again...and the fact that one can just deny it...in terms of those that seek justice...God doesnt forget...

Timepass
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Re: What would you do in this Situation

Bidd3h what the hell is wrong with u...
People, especially girls’ don’t ask for this kind of thing to occur to them... It’s not our faults that we are victimized by those that we respected and thought of as our father or brothers.... Obviously your speaking from ignorance... if u had that done to you just once... believe me you wouldn’t forget it ever... it always comes to your mind at the most unexpected moments... And as for honor and izzat, what good is it if it can’t bring you peace of mind; what good is it if you can touch or talk to a person without getting a feeling of insecurity? or help you get over your past... It’s really disappointing to see how some ppl can never empathize with a situation like this... if everyone one in society thought like you, most of us would be on heavily anti-depressants... But to each their own, I sincerely hope you can receive some more enlighten in the future... May something like this never happen to you...

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Re: What would you do in this Situation

these situations are not the fault of the victim because those girls are too young to do this intentionally ...actually noone does somehting like that to themselves intentionally
I have heard an alim say that if a person is repeatedly cruel in any form to a child , then all that person's good deeds are in the hands of that child at the day of judgement
it's sad how we become so afraid to tell such issues to our partners in the fear of their reaction but it is true because in the case of men we never know how they might react

Timepass
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Re: What would you do in this Situation

Btw as for the future partner thing thats an interesting one...personally i would want to know but if im to be honest the reaction wont always be favourable...

I was a bit younger but one girl i met ended up telling me she got raped by her dad through her whole childhood and hated the idea of sex...it just made things complicated because i didnt know how to address the situtation...i had sympathy and i cared but uit didnt neccesarily make life easier...now i would like to think i would have dealt with it better buit im not sure...

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Re: What would you do in this Situation

Pakistan :pagli: