Re: What would you do if your wife got you arrested...
When I read the post, I thought to myself that he should just leave his wife as this is the kind of betrayal that's up there with infidelity cuz your spouse's trust is not only broken but came with public humiliation. But kids always complicate the situation. To persevere or divorce is a question only your friend can answer. He has to ask himself if he can ever respect and trust his wife again let alone love her. And if he thinks there's hope, then he needs to set boundaries and she'll have to work hard to win his trust again and she'll have to change herself.
I usually agree with your advice RV, but not this! How can you advocate divorce after one incident - seriously, it's not a game here! She is not good at filling in forms, and is not responsible. She phoned the police because of a domestic argument which resulted in husband getting arrested. Those are NOT reasons to get divorced!
She can learn responsibility
She can learn to fill in forms
She needs to learn how to handle arguments, and perhaps more importantly, the fact that her izzat lies with her husband, and vice versa.
I'm not justifying her reactions in any way; she was wrong to involve the police and should have dealt with it differently. But to say she should get divorced after one argument is ridiculous!
Re: What would you do if your wife got you arrested...
Funnily enough, I know of one case where the wife got her husband arrested, but it was for physical abuse. There were children involved, and eventually they did get divorced unfortunately. But this was because of repeated physical abuse to the wife - not because of a one-off tiff!
Re: What would you do if your wife got you arrested...
^^^ No it's not. It was a stupid reaction to a fight. It doesn't say anything about her moral character as such. Marriage is difficult. People make stupid mistakes, and need to learn from those mistakes. The answer to everything isn't divorce!
Re: What would you do if your wife got you arrested...
ok.so lets say , a stupid husband, making stupid mistake, cheats on his wife or lets say slaps her around. That kosher for you too? Like, you wouldn't tell that woman to leave the guy?
Re: What would you do if your wife got you arrested...
If it were me, I would follow what the Quran says, and keep away from her bed for a while. Even if they were to get divorced, that would be the first step anyway. Divorce is not a matter of 'talaq talaq talaq' as the maulvi's say! It's supposed to be a slow process, which gives the couple time to consider and reconsider their actions, in the hope that they might just stay together.
There's a reason why divorce is the most hateful permissible thing in Islam.
Re: What would you do if your wife got you arrested...
If it were me, I would follow what the Quran says, and keep away from her bed for a while. Even if they were to get divorced, that would be the first step anyway. Divorce is not a matter of 'talaq talaq talaq' as the maulvi's say! It's supposed to be a slow process, which gives the couple time to consider and reconsider their actions, in the hope that they might just stay together.
There's a reason why divorce is the most hateful permissible thing in Islam.
If we all follow religion the world would be heaven. But its not. Getting a spouse arrested and humiliated based on a lie is very low. And I don't know how the guy would be able to trust the woman again.
Once the trust is gone its gone, maybe I am cynical but that's just me.
Re: What would you do if your wife got you arrested...
ok.so lets say , a stupid husband, making stupid mistake, cheats on his wife or lets say slaps her around. That kosher for you too? Like, you wouldn't tell that woman to leave the guy?
You're talking about completely different things. Physical abuse is completely different from what she did. OP claims she called the police for 'advice', and that she didn't press charges. It was a dumb thing to do in the first place - I'm not saying she is right. But it's clearly something she did out of a lack of knowledge of the consequences (i.e. that he'd go to jail). These kinds of things happen in arguments. You say/do stupid things, that you regret afterwards.
If a husband slapped a wife once out of anger, the wife has every right to be angry at the husband and take some form of action, but even then I wouldn't advocate divorce, as long as the husband was truly sorry and was able to show he learned from his mistake. In the current case, the wife needs to take the same action.
Re: What would you do if your wife got you arrested...
If we all follow religion the world would be heaven. But its not. Getting a spouse arrested and humiliated based on a lie is very low. And I don't know how the guy would be able to trust the woman again.
Once the trust is gone its gone, maybe I am cynical but that's just me.
And that's the point of life: tripping up, making mistakes, realising where you have gone wrong and trying to better yourself. We are humans and always fallible. It's only when someone does something repeatedly or shows some form of lapse in their moral character where you would question whether or not it would work in the long run.
The trust shouldn't go after this one argument. Yes it was a serious one, but marriage is worth a lot more than that.
Re: What would you do if your wife got you arrested...
And that's the point of life: tripping up, making mistakes, realising where you have gone wrong and trying to better yourself. We are humans and always fallible. It's only when someone does something repeatedly or shows some form of lapse in their moral character where you would question whether or not it would work in the long run.
The trust shouldn't go after this one argument. Yes it was a serious one, but marriage is worth a lot more than that.
Marriage is about trust. Once that is compromised its pretty much no way back. Like pwner says, sure its not all about leaving each other, but if certain lines are crossed and the couple can't trust each other I would imagine it would make it very hard for them to sustain any kind of relationship.
Re: What would you do if your wife got you arrested...
Marriage is about trust. Once that is compromised its pretty much no way back. Like pwner says, sure its not all about leaving each other, but if certain lines are crossed and the couple can't trust each other I would imagine it would make it very hard for them to sustain any kind of relationship.
Yes, but trust has to be built. It doesn't come with the nikkah form - it comes with life experiences. You are supposed to learn from your mistakes so you can better yourself and improve your relationship.
Re: What would you do if your wife got you arrested...
This story doesn't make any sense at all. In Canada , if you accuse someone of abuse/assault they haven't done and you get caught for lying/exaggerating , you get community service or something as a punishment and the accused gets acquitted of all charges (I know this because I know people who have been wrongly accused and dragged to court) .
If this woman never laid charges in the first place, then there is no case against her husband. Oh and even if she did file charges she can take them back at any point ( seen it happen).
Re: What would you do if your wife got you arrested…
A few people have brought up the fact that the wife was raised in Pakistan. Being raised abroad means that you may not be familiar with certain cultural aspects of living in the west. It does not mean that you are completely devoid of logic and common sense. Even the most naive of people knows that involving the police is not something to be taken lightly and that the police/emergency services is not an advice hotline. I doubt this entire episode was as simple as “oh, she thought she could call the police for advice.” As several posters stated, there is definitely more to this story.
A couple of people are stating that the wife simply made a mistake and that husband should forgive her and trust her again because we all make mistakes. If the roles were reversed and the husband got angry at his wife during an argument and decided to falsely accuse her of child neglect, which resulted in her being arrested, having to go to court and losing custody of the children for a month, the wife should also forgive him for the entire episode and work towards building trust, right? After all, we all make mistakes and it was a one time thing, right?
Re: What would you do if your wife got you arrested...
^^^ No it's not. It was a stupid reaction to a fight. It doesn't say anything about her moral character as such. Marriage is difficult. People make stupid mistakes, and need to learn from those mistakes. The answer to everything isn't divorce!
Nnabid, I had the divorce thought prior to even finishing reading the OP's entire post. When I read that they have children, it slowed me down and I said that if he decides to give this marriage another chance, then his wife will have to change and he will have to let go if his grudge and open his heart to acknowledging her positive efforts. These things are no easy feats for both persons and will require both of them to have strong inner will power and sabar. You zeroed in on that one sentence of mine, but you didn't consider the rest of my post it seems which also included suggestions for the couple should they choose to remain married. So, my post wasn't entirely negative. And, yes, it does give some insight to her character/personality.
I disagree with you in that it was only a "stupid reaction." This is a woman who was educated in the US. She must know that 911 is not an advice hotline. What she did was humiliating to her husband. Husband and wife are supposed to be a garment/libaas for each other....and a garment protects and conceals one's shame.....it doesn't expose to the world. Imagine facing those people.....be they strangers, neighbors, or family friends.....who saw you get arrested and know about the whole sordid affair. When a woman is on the defensive, it's hard for people to see the guy in a positive light even if the judicial system proves him innocent. For instance, if a man was falsely accused of rape and the judicial system finds him innocent, he will still have the daagh of rape attached to his character in the eyes of those who know him. They will have doubts about his character. They will think, "Pata nahi, I mean the court found him innocent, but rape is a big deal. It's best to keep a polite distance from him." Now the husband in this scenario has not raped his wife, but the label of "wife abuser" is no less damaging to one's image even after being proven innocent.
Re: What would you do if your wife got you arrested...
Op, did your friends have an overall good marriage prior to this incident? Granted both him and his wife made mistakes along the way as neither of them are perfect, but was he overall happy? Does his wife have a track record of breaking his trust and embarrassing him....OR....has she mostly done her best to maintain his trust and image and to support him? Prior to this incident, has she brought more good into his life than bad? Has she overall been a good mother? Forgiving her would be the bigger thing to do and more dear to Allah, if he is able to manage it. *********Tell him to ask himself these questions.
One thing that he should consider is that the whole ordeal is very shame-inducing for her as well. And what makes matters worse is if the children resent her for her mistake. It is bad enough when ONLY your spouse resents you, it is even worse if your children ALSO resent you. So, in this regard, she may be in a worse place than him because she has to restore her image in the eyes of 3 parties: her husband, her children, and society. Whereas the husband has only to face society if his family believes him to be a decent man.** ******** Tell your friend to think from this angle as well as it might induce more sympathy/compassion for his wife.
Since he has to make a huge decision, he needs to look at it from all angles...the good and the bad......and not only focus on the negative.
