thanks for all your reply, wht i am hearing that basically she should not (cannot?) do anything,
for those who were concerend y my friend share it with me... Well women share problems with friends that they cannot share with anyone else....parents, siblings, cousins. And as i didnt know what to suggest i told her i would ask here.this is an anonymous forum and thats why people ask for advice on sensitive issues tht they cannot discuss with anyone,other people shouldnt object/question this IMHO.
I think you should listen to what people have posted before. This 'friend' of yours had no right to tell you about her husband. What is your impression of her husband now? Would you be able to look at him with respect? Men almost never divulge these kinda details about their marital problems. Flip roles here. What would your reaction be if her husband came to your husband and complained about her watching porn .. or chatting with her ex-boy friend ... or lusting after the neighborhood maulana?
Tell your friend to solve her own problems like a grown woman!
husband has a laptop that he doesn't want anyone to touch, not even the wife he is very skeptical about anyone using it. he says he has some very important work related data saved on it and doesn't want to loose it. even when wife' laptop broke down and needed to do some work husband didn't let her us it saying , her USB might infect his laptop. the wife had to go to considerable trouble to finish her work. now one day husband was in his home office with a friend and sub ordinate and just after they had left wife went in there, seeing the laptop turned on with the internet connected she told her husband she needs to check her email. while checking her email, she decided just to look at another page on the side. as she clicks on the address box to type the address of a porn site comes up! when she asks her husband who is standing there about it, he causally brushes the matter aside. later she confronts her husband........... he goes mute, avoids talking about it, says its would be better for both of them if they didn't talk about it. when she demands an explanation he says the subordinate might have opened the page when he left the room for a few minutes to get sumthing...........................! what do u guys think of this explanation?? husband is religious person, prays5 times, fasts and generally religious , but the explanation he gave.........? only a fool would use their boss's laptop to look at porn, in their boss' home when he left the room to get sumthng and if this were the case shouldn't the husband 's response would be to appear surprised and shocked when the site came up? instead of avoidance and going quite??? what do u guys think??? how should one handle the situation? how should the wife proceed? this was a single incident
LOL!
I only read the first line and immediately thought it was porn related
Though, why did his wife go on his laptop when he is saying don't touch it. It's like she's asking for trouble. Okay. If the guy is religious, that doesn't mean he doesn't have other needs. I get watching porn is haram, but whose gonna stop? Some people watch porn to release stress, or I don't know just to watch bunnies.
thanks for all your reply, wht i am hearing that basically she should not (cannot?) do anything,
for those who were concerend y my friend share it with me... Well women share problems with friends that they cannot share with anyone else....parents, siblings, cousins. And as i didnt know what to suggest i told her i would ask here.this is an anonymous forum and thats why people ask for advice on sensitive issues tht they cannot discuss with anyone,other people shouldnt object/question this IMHO.
LOL! Women do share problems but they don't go into explicit detail. My mom always says never to divulge any information about your marital life. That's how it should be.
Yeah, but when people ask for advice on anonymous forums, the audience will be judgemental
I think you should listen to what people have posted before. This 'friend' of yours had no right to tell you about her husband. What is your impression of her husband now? Would you be able to look at him with respect? Men almost never divulge these kinda details about their marital problems. Flip roles here. What would your reaction be if her husband came to your husband and complained about her watching porn .. or chatting with her ex-boy friend ... or lusting after the neighborhood maulana?
Tell your friend to solve her own problems like a grown woman!
Spot on.
I still get surprised when people share their bedtime stories with others, its noone's business. Though on GS whenever someone starts a thread with ''my friend'' I kind of know its not their friend they're talking about. :p
I think most men watch porn...its not right but it would be naïve to think it doesn't happen. Tell your friend to talk to her husband about it maturely...no tantrums or fights. Tell him it hurts to see this, its wrong and he should stop. Also ask him if he's happy with their relationship...intimacy wise. He's her husband...he should be comfortable discussing this with her.
But if he displays some dissatisfaction, she will say its because he watched porn and he became perverted thats why he isn't satisfied.......and the cycle begins again..
But if he displays some dissatisfaction, she will say its because he watched porn and he became perverted thats why he isn't satisfied.......and the cycle begins again..
So what if he says that? Its a beginning and at least they'll be able to start to address the issue. These things are never easy but if one wants a solution...they have to talk about it.
i am wondering if the husband watches porn regularly and also wants to hide from the wife then wouldn't he simply delete all history/logs/proves of it from the laptop instead of keeping it there and risking to get caught?
I m surprised that no one pointed out about the husband watching porn on his work computer. That is grounds for immediate employment termination. That should be the first thing that the wife should be worried about.
I was afraid that maybe him keeping a secret laptop was because of an affair or something! It's just porn. Seriously. I'm not sure if your married Touché, but if you were, you might be able to understand why. Like Reha said 90% of men do watch and it wouldn't try to deny it.
The fact that the husband can't open up about it is the ridiculous part as well as the issue. It's pretty lame that he can't admit that. ... That might be because he is addicted to it more than usual? Everything has a healthy balance and maybe he could have a problem. The wife needs to sit down and first understand what the problem is and WHY he couldn't tell her and then she can tell him how's it's made her feel and why she doesn't like it. That's normal, most woman don't buy most husbands wouldn't lie about watching it either and to the extent of keeping an extra laptop so secretive. That's where these guys have a problem..
I also get that she may have needed to talk to someone but what kind of sound advice are you expecting from here. I also think its pretty gross she mentioned her husbands issues about this anyone. I know girls can be candid, my friends are too but it's just a different story when your married so that's weird. These two have problems it seems like. Was this a love or arranged marriage?
I'm really shocked that almost everyone here has such a relaxed attitude towards porn. In Western communities yes, it's seen as acceptable, but not in our culture. And forget culture for a minute, what about religion?! There's no way whatsoever Islam justifies or advocates porn - full stop. Whoever said 90% of men watch porn or whatever, it's like saying well 90% of women don't wear hijab so I guess it's okay to not wear it. Or 90% of people eat pork so why don't I? What kind of logic is that?!! Don't follow others for the sake of it - do what YOU think is right.
As for the OPs post - clearly her husband IS watching porn, but personally - and unlike 90% of the posters on here - I WOULD take this seriously. I'd probably either give him a lecture on why it's wrong in Islam, or ask him why he feels the need to watch it (i.e. are his needs not being satisfied?) and take it from there. Actually most likely I'd probably pray to Allah that he doesn't sin like this and let him know I'm praying for him, and hope that changes things.
I'm really shocked that almost everyone here has such a relaxed attitude towards porn. In Western communities yes, it's seen as acceptable, but not in our culture. And forget culture for a minute, what about religion?! There's no way whatsoever Islam justifies or advocates porn - full stop. Whoever said 90% of men watch porn or whatever, it's like saying well 90% of women don't wear hijab so I guess it's okay to not wear it. Or 90% of people eat pork so why don't I? What kind of logic is that?!! Don't follow others for the sake of it - do what YOU think is right.
As for the OPs post - clearly her husband IS watching porn, but personally - and unlike 90% of the posters on here - I WOULD take this seriously. I'd probably either give him a lecture on why it's wrong in Islam, or ask him why he feels the need to watch it (i.e. are his needs not being satisfied?) and take it from there. Actually most likely I'd probably pray to Allah that he doesn't sin like this and let him know I'm praying for him, and hope that changes things.
I don't mean to be rude but I need to say this because I keep reading stuff like "it doesn't happen in our culture"...Google ranks Pakistan **as the **TOP **country to seek access to porn sites. So **YES it **DOES **happen in our culture. And the rest of the top ten list is comprised of primarily Muslim countries. Humaray logon ne to garay ko bhi peechay chordiya because US isn't even on the damn list!
Good...now that that's cleared up. No one here said its okay to watch porn so I have no idea where you got that.
Which poster said it was okay to watch porn here? Who advocated porn here? I'd like an answer to that.
All that's being said is...its your marriage...your life...don't go into it with a blindfold on pretending these things don't happen because then you end up like the OP's "friend". They DO happen. It has NOTHING to do with Western countries or Pakistan or blah blah. A man is a man - doesn't matter what color he is or what language he speaks.
No, saying 90% men watch porn is NOT like saying the rest of what you wrote. The wife can control her own actions and decide whether or not SHE wants to wear hijab or eat pork. But how is she supposed to control her husband and make sure he’s not watching porn? And if the husband started eating pork…how exactly is she supposed to stop him? Even if she divorces him…that won’t necessarily make him stop watching porn (or eating pork if that was the case).
Not sure which thread you’re reading but the part you wrote in bold…that pretty much is the same advice others are giving OP. That the wife needs to have a calm, open conversation with the husband about what’s going on. I have no idea what gave you the impression that the other posters aren’t taking this seriously.
BTW, what would you advise the wife to do if the husband continues to watch porn? Even after she lectures him about Islam and prays/hopes that things change?
I don't mean to be rude but I need to say this because I keep reading stuff like "it doesn't happen in our culture"...Google ranks Pakistan **as the **TOP **country to seek access to porn sites. So **YES it **DOES **happen in our culture. And the rest of the top ten list is comprised of primarily Muslim countries. Humaray logon ne to garay ko bhi peechay chordiya because US isn't even on the damn list!
Good...now that that's cleared up.
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Nah, it needs some more clearing up :p. You're making a sweeping allegation on such a large group of diversified people without doing your own research. A group of people whose behavior cannot be deduced from a single, flawed, cherry-picked statistic. Sure, for the word "sex" Pakistan ranks right up there on the top, for pretty much every year. The word "sex" can have so many meanings, it can be searched for various reasons, and search results will yield sex advice, positions, sex education, health benefits, etc. The problem then is the word "porn"...which is more direct and leaves no room for ambiguity. If you head over to Google Trends and search the trends for the word "porn," you will see that the USA and UK made it to the top 10 each year. A person looking for porn will google "porn," not "sex." Check Google Tends for the word "porn" and voila...Not only is Pakistan absent from the list every year before 2011, USA n UK have made it to the top 10 list without fail. Pakistan only showed up in the top 10 list for the word "porn" after 2010. The reason for this is that in 2011 porn sites were banned in Pakistan, naturally leading people to Google. It is also the reason for the sudden "spike" in Google stats for the word "proxy" in these years. A proxy is the only way they could access the banned websites. Taking into account that most Pakistani men don't get to have sex until they are married as opposed to the USA or UK where most have easy access to sex, we've done better than the West. I'm not justifying viewing of porn, it is haram...but have we really left the garay behind when a bigger sin like zina is not only easily accessible/rampant in the west but lauded as well?
Tell him not to hide and watch it next to you, ask him what does he crave for politely, maybe he actaully wants something which he is not getting.
Ask him to help you to improve.
Men have unpredicatble instincts, they dont really mind if you surprise them!
