So there’s a desi couple that have been through a tumultuous relationship over the past, let’s say 6 or 7 years. They have a six year old daughter and a toddler son. They live on their own in Canada with her family within driving distance and his family back in Pakistan. Both have decent employment and they own their own place.
Over the years they have had numerous disagreements in which both husband and wife have taken turns reaching out to her family and a close family friend. All have attempted to keep them together and have made their best efforts to calm the situation down.
From my interactions with the couple I can see that the husband has some very negative views about western society. He is of the opinion that this (Canada) is not a place to live and raise a family. One should simply make money and take it back to Pakistan…take every opportunity to rip off the system…take advantage of whatever comes his way for his benefit and then head back to the promised land. Along with these views he has some narrow views on how a wife should act/behave and how her interaction with her family should be limited.
She used to be a sweet young girl before she got married. Her mother had raised her to know how to manage a home, cook, clean, etc. as well as hold down a job. It was not until several years after her marriage that I saw her and boy was there a change! She had hardened…seemed bitter and obstinate. Today her smile has vanished and in its place there is obvious dejection.
I found out that recently that the situation had worsened and she had served papers to her husband. To everyone’s surprise the papers turned out to be separation papers and not a petition for divorce. Everyone was completely convinced that she would want to be done with the whole relationship and walk away.
Turns out the husband says that he is not interested in separation and would prefer to call it quits now and she can keep the kids.
His response has left her devastated. She is shattered that he would walk away and further troubled by the fact that he doesn’t want to even fight for the kids.
When asked why she did what she did and why she is surprised she replied that she wanted to have some time away, perhaps scare him a little with the idea that he could lose his family and gain some ground in the battle.
He is using the same tactics and testing her. But he can’t just shakes off his responsibility towards his kids. Isn’t he required to pay child support/ alimony etc?
How long have they been married?
She used to be a sweet young girl before she got married. Her mother had raised her to know how to manage a home, cook, clean, etc. as well as hold down a job. It was not until several years after her marriage that** I saw her and boy was there a change! She had hardened....seemed bitter and obstinate**. Today her smile has vanished and in its place there is obvious dejection.
What do you think?
come on now... just is just on her way to become a MIL...
He is using the same tactics and testing her. But he can’t just shakes off his responsibility towards his kids. Isn’t he required to pay child support/ alimony etc?
How long have they been married?
Perhaps he is. I'm not sure.
I'm not sure what is required when there is a separation. Perhaps someone else can enlighten us about the legalities.
They have been married for at least 7 years as the elder child is six years old.
Legally, you need to file separation papers and cannot just jump straight to divorce papers. You need to prove that you have been living separate and apart for a year. So if her intention was to divorce, she took the right step by filing these papers ...
That being said, she wanted to scare him. Wrong move. If you take a step like this, you need to be sure of what you are doing and follow it through. These matters are not a game.
Regardless, he will need to pay child support and she can get him through the courts (after a few years) if he refuses to comply. The courts will take into account that she also works. They probably won't give her spousal support, but you never know .... custody/living arrangements should have been outlined in the separation papers.
bluff called. why complain now? Its not a game where you do thing for the purpose of gaining grounds. If someone does this they should expect a response which might be as or more severe.
and difference b/w separation & divorce is that if person is separated, they can not remarry. Other than that separation is almost like divorce
bluff called. why complain now? Its not a game where you do thing for the purpose of gaining grounds. If someone does this they should expect a response which might be as or more severe.
and difference b/w separation & divorce is that if person is separated, they can not remarry. Other than that separation is almost like divorce
Thats the expression I was looking for.
This couple has a rocky relationship from the get-go yet they have not one but two kids in the mix to complicate the situation even more. Such cases irks me to no end!
Based on what you’ve written…I don’t feel bad for either one of them. They both sound selfish and immature.
I’m actually kind of glad the husband called it quits. If they haven’t solved their issues in 6-7 YEARS…how much longer should they keep trying? And they’re certainly not doing the kids any favor by bringing them up in a home that’s filled with tension/arguments between the parents. It amazes me that despite having such a troubled marriage…they went ahead and had a 2nd child!
Father is a jerk. Mother is a selfish idiot who thinks filing legal papers is a game. The only victims in this situation are the 2 kids.
Father is a jerk. Mother is a selfish idiot who thinks filing legal papers is a game. The only victims in this situation are the 2 kids.
I'm inclined to agree with you.
If separation or a break is what she wanted then why didn't she simply suggest it in one of the many mediations that they have had? Why didn't she just say that she needs time away to clear her head?
When does playing games actually work? Open dialogue and communication does. Just to be open if the future Mrs did this to me for any reason I would sign it, grab the prenup and ask the lawyers to move post haste into the divorce proceedings. I can not tolerate games.
Yah what was she thinking? I’d give her a tight slap if I could, these ‘bilawaja’ ki mind games don’t fly in any relationship, I really don’t understand why people need to ‘test’ each other? why couldn’t she just say she needs her space or even go to pakistan to her family for few months?
God knows he is most likely trying reciprocate the very same favour to her ‘with ending it all for once’ card
What did she expect when she served him the papers for separation. You can never assume how the other person is gonna react and it was dumb on her part to assume that he would straighten up and put more effort in the marriage. He is probably looking for a way out of the marriage and she have him the green light!!! If he doesnt want to even fight for his children, he should be responsible for paying child support which may not ever be enough because children need parents not a monthly allowance. Can someone try to intervene and allow these adult numa children to sit and talk because kids are involved in this and I don't mean the couple itself. Honestly the marriage is not a playground for games so I don't understand why couples resort to tactics to make the other see and address issues which can be resolved maybe by just communicating!!!
I don't know if there is any saving this.
There has been mediation by several people and even by the imam at the mosque.
I don't know they will listen to anyone else now.
^ From the original post it sounds like they've had issues since the very beginning (at least for the last 6 years?). And numerous times 3rd parties got involved and talked them into staying together.
If these two haven't managed to "solve" their issues in 6 YEARS......not sure if there's much else that can be done. Even though it sounds harsh, there are certain situations where living with a single parent provides a more healthy enviornment for the kids compared to a a 2-parent home where there is constant fighting.
I don't know if there is any saving this.
There has been mediation by several people and even by the imam at the mosque.
I don't know they will listen to anyone else now.
Than I guess let them grow through it. There is a reason why she filed for separation and there is a certain reason why he wants divorce.
she is probably *shocked *on his response.... but no point of staying with someone who doesnt even wanna fight for his own kids..
*...... *its ok, she will overcome this and will learn to manage her life and kids on her own....single mothers raise good kids too..
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Even though it sounds harsh, there are certain situations where living with a single parent provides a more healthy enviornment for the kids compared to a a 2-parent home where there is constant fighting.
My bestfriend from college did this, whos arabic. Actually they had only been married for less than 2 years and just had a baby boy. Apparently it was all too much for both of them, so problems arose. She told him to divorce her and he said he will do it. She was in such a state of shock. But alhamdulillah for her, Allah swt. had something better planned for her.
there are certain situations where living with a single parent provides a more healthy enviornment for the kids compared to a a 2-parent home where there is constant fighting.
so very, very true.
i completely agree, and this was the case in my parents divorce. It was the best thing for all of us. They did "seperate" 3 different times over the course of a 20 year marriage, each time getting back together with the intervention and counseling of the masjid and family, and I'll tell you there is nothing more confusing for a child to understand than the constant back and forth ping ponging.
