What to do

[Difficulty]

Re: What to do

@Reha

I think you’re being taken advantage of…plain and simple. When you confront her, she shouts and shuts you up.

You are providing but getting nothing in return…she doesn’t even have kids right now…imagine what will happen once your child arrives? Please put a stop to this madness now before your child starts to walk all over you too. No offense but that’s what she is doing.

@Reha

If she keeps blackmailing you with her Islamic rights…start exercising your Islamic rights. Tell her you can Islamically forbid her from seeing her parents and leaving the house, you have no obligation to buy her a place (a small rented unit is sufficient) and whatever you give her for maintenance is your choice…it doesn’t have to be whatever amount she wants. You are only obligated to do what you can afford.

I live off principles and especially fulfilling at least what I am supposed to Islamically so I cannot do this as firstly she is entitled to visit her parents once a week (the lenient view) and I cannot complain with that (although she is still visiting and her parent is actually abroad) but I agree with once a week regardless and secondly regarding maintenance and lodging I will explain inmy next post what has recently occurred and the conclusion.

@Sehar

There’s a certain routine that both of you set at the beginning of your marriage which is obviously causing problems now. You were okay with her visiting her parents as often as she did, and it doesn’t seem like she’s had to “ask” you before she went. Why do you want her to ask you now? Do you want her to seek permission from you before she goes, or do you want her to be courteous and let you know that she will going there for so and so reason?

She seems to have a very privileged attitude and is sort of ignorant to how it’s affecting your relationship. Islamic rights and all is fine, but there’s also general decency towards the family of your spouse. Does she socialize with your family and how often? What is her relationship with your mother? Is your mother controlling and interfering with day to day things?

You do need to have a talk with her, and if she starts yelling and screaming, you need to be calm and firm and make your point, perhaps not then, but a short while later. You do have to re-visit the conversation if you want things to change.

I was never ok with it but she always complained that I live with parents and family around and she should be able to go, coupled with all the crying of moving and her being ‘unable’ to adapt to life away from home I didn’t argue about it but I did mention it and Is till mention it. When I have an issue with it she will argue about something else and I am oppressing her.

Depends what you mean socialising, if you mean when I go around she will come with me but I know she doesn’t want to so nowadays I just tell her I am going and if she wants to come she can, she still does. But going to my extended family herself or ringing them etc, never. But to be honest that doesn’t bother me as they are living their lives quite happily and it does not bother them.

Regarding my mother, what can I say. She has clearly stated she does not want to live with her. Now I am not being biased because she is my mother. All my mother does is wake up, make her own breakfast or whatever, put an islamic channel on, sit with a tasbeeh and watch. My wife can come in and out as she pleases. There isn’t much of a relationship, at the start my mum would cry as she would want a specific type of daughter in-law who would talk to her, go out with her and who would at least mention when she goes to her parents house out of courtesy but even that was an issue with my wife as she stated why should she. But now my mum knows what to expect and it doesn’t bother her

But then I get the opposite as well, when we are making food she will ask me to ask my mum what she wants but will hardly ever ask herself, although mum due to her stomach ailments will mostly have quite a lot of food given to her by my siblings who pass it over and in the fridge. This was also an issue initially as I did ask her to make food for mum and after an argument or two she said she would but that she didn’t have to religiously. As my mum would never directly ask her to make her something she used to tell me that she will only make something to eat when asked by my mum so that didn’t work either.

But to be honest my mum is happy as she can make her own food and is given to her as well from my siblings and she doesn’t really need my wife to be at home and converse with her.

Overall she is courteous with my family and whoever comes around but I would say that she is the type of person who would rather not see them if she had the chance.

@ShimmerV

Sit her down & talk! Mutually think of a solution. You sounded like you have ur head on your shoulders than why did such a small issue make you post here? Dont get me wrong but dont depend on these people/or myself for advice or a solution at the age you are & the kind of responsibility you have on you (i.e becoming a father) this should have been a piece of cake.

Also, Why do you have so much bottled inside you anyway?

I appreciate sensitive guys who think before they act with their wives but this topic didnt need that kina thinking.

I have much bottled inside as I know each time I say something she will go bring 50 other things into it.

@Theorist

It doesn’t sound like she likes her life much or her home. She is trying to escape all of this by going to her parent’s place all the time. I think she is waiting for something to change before she can actually focus on her marriage. Perhaps she is waiting to move? Every woman loves HER home and if she doesn’t feel at home, she won’t bother with any of it. How does your mother treat her? I do believe she means it when she says it is not about rights. She just isn’t happy and doesn’t know what to do about it. It is that simple. Ask her flat out what will make her happy. Then do that. If your problems continue and she keeps playing the religion card then ask her what will she do if you leave her or get a second wife because that is your Islamic right too. I am sure she will find that ridiculous. Just because we have certain rights doesn’t mean we take those who fulfill those rights for granted. That is being selfish and ungratfeful.

My wife isn’t the type that I can state anything about a second wife!!!

I’ll give an example of the issue I have in the next post and I think I have reached a conclusion as to what I have to do