ok i opened a thread before telling you guys a cousin of mine would be coming over from pak to stay for a year to do studies etc, anyway im guessing , in fact it looks obvious she will live with us as opposed to her and her mums plans for her to stay at her uni…firstly because of money issues, secondly becauses shes only doing 2 days a week…so it wouldnt make sense for her to live out…her uni is far from us, but 2 days a week travels ok for her…thing is, firstly no one wants her here, secondly theres already 8 of us here, and im having a baby in 2 weeks time. she has to share with my 2 sisters, dnt understand how people can think they can just stay and think its ok, especially when its obvious theres no room.
what can we or atleast i say to her, not sure if its my hormones, but im seriously annoyed about this, although mum keeps syaing well what can we do…do we make her unwelcome..or what…
Re: what to do over univited long staying guest...
If none of you are willing to be honest with her and her family about the situation, then you are going to have to have an open mind and accept her into your home.
I get that it's a bad move on her part, but now it's at least been several weeks and it sounds like you guys have done nothing to improve the situation, other than ***** about it here. If you and your mom are not honest enough to say something to her and her family, then you need to figure out a way to make it work. And don't plan on kicking her out once she's here with no where else to go.
Re: what to do over univited long staying guest...
i really get annoyed too when we have such guests come over but they are guests, they eventually will go after sometime, the least you can do is don't show them your annoyance for the sake of putting up a good impression
Re: what to do over univited long staying guest...
It is your parents' home............therefore it was THEIR responsibility to ........at the very least..........hint **to your cousin's parents that the living arrangement is rather tight. This could have been done in a tactful way...OR...they could have discussed the situation with your cousin's parents. When one party makes a **tactless assumption....and the other party does absolutely nothing to clarify or explain the situation.........then the other party has to accept some blame (instead of putting all the blame on cousin's parents) and deal with the consequences.
Nope...unfortunately....I don't think it's always the hormones. If an attitude is consistent....one may not be able to fall back on the hormones excuse all the time. And that can eventually pose problems on an individual level and also in relationships.
I can understand it's a difficult situation, but if you didn't do anything to prevent it....then try to see some good in it. You're helping this girl out with her education by providing her a place to live in. This could be a way to get reward from Allah. Maybe she might even be helpful around the house.........perhaps her presence could be beneficial. And you might say (as I vaguely remember) that the girl has a problematic attitude. Maybe she has matured...or will mature.
See how things go....and if your parents (who have the main authority over here) feel that it's not working out.......they can play around with various options with the space issue when she comes over. Who knows? Maybe when you have the baby....your and your husband might move out and live separately. And with three people (you, hubby, baby) gone....there could be more room for the cousin.
Re: what to do over univited long staying guest...
It is your parents' home............therefore it was THEIR responsibility to ........at the very least..........hint **to your cousin's parents that the living arrangement is rather tight. This could have been done in a tactful way...OR...they could have discussed the situation with your cousin's parents. When one party makes a **tactless assumption....and the other party does absolutely nothing to clarify or explain the situation.........then the other party has to accept some blame (instead of putting all the blame on cousin's parents) and deal with the consequences.
Nope...unfortunately....I don't think it's always the hormones. If an attitude is consistent....one may not be able to fall back on the hormones excuse all the time. And that can eventually pose problems on an individual level and also in relationships.
I can understand it's a difficult situation, but if you didn't do anything to prevent it....then try to see some good in it. You're helping this girl out with her education by providing her a place to live in. This could be a way to get reward from Allah. Maybe she might even be helpful around the house.........perhaps her presence could be beneficial. And you might say (as I vaguely remember) that the girl has a problematic attitude. Maybe she has matured...or will mature.
See how things go....and if your parents (who have the main authority over here) feel that it's not working out.......they can play around with various options with the space issue when she comes over. Who knows? Maybe when you have the baby....your and your husband might move out and live separately. And with three people (you, hubby, baby) gone....there could be more room for the cousin.
why should i need to move out, of course we will, but why should i move out of my own home just to make space for someone whose home it isnt.....
Re: what to do over univited long staying guest...
why should i need to move out, of course we will, but why should i move out of my own home just to make space for someone whose home it isnt.....
Calm down, Nadz. I made that last comment half in jest. And the word I used was "MAYBE".
"MAYBE" doesn't imply that you have to or even need to move out. It just reflects a possibility....a realisitic one. Some couples do prefer to move out or shift to a bigger and more accomodating (space-wise and even environment wise) place when they have a baby. I have seen it happen. So, what I've said isn't totally out there. It's not unrealistic for one to think that your husband might at some point in the future prefer to live separately....thus leading to not only greater room for the two of you and baby.......but also result in more room for your immediate family and any other additional persons. Again, nobody's saying that must move out to accomodate for your cousin. I understand that YOU'D receive greater priority over your cousin....being your parents' daughter.
Anyhow, you're close to delivering. So, why raise your blood pressure over issues that are either out of your control.......or could have been improved but weren't??? And even if you do decide to take matters into your own hands.......keep in mind that anything you say (and more the manner in which you say it) to your cousin will also affect your parents...and can impact relations with those back in Pakistan.
Also, you are not the only one here that has to deal with he arrival of your cousin. Your parents and siblings will also have to adapt to the situation. Moreover, I'm guessing....the expense of supporting this cousin will be handled by your dad (and perhaps to an extent by the cousin's parents). I doubt that you will be financially supporting your cousin....and I doubt that even your husband will be expected to financially support her. That is a responsibility that your dad decided to undertake when he agreed to let the cousin come stay with you guys.....and moreover when he chose not to explain to family how tight the space was in your home. For every action....or even absence of an action....there's a consequence. BUT....your parents (even though they're not thrilled) seem more calm about this compared to you. At least that's the impression I get. Your folks didn't speak up....so they're in the same boat as you. So, just deal with it for now. After she comes....things can be figured out. Again there may be some good in this. And...you can get reward from Allah.
Once the baby arrives, start asking your cousin to help with changing the baby’s diaper every day… she will be faarigh at home right?
Whenever you see her, ask her help… make sure your siblings are not around so she can’t refuse Especially when the baby has pooped.
Also make her babysit and you go watch a movie or get a pedicure done … free kay babysitters mushkil sai hee miltay hain, consider it a blessing
Re: what to do over univited long staying guest...
Redvelvet, how very dare you make a joke or a suggestion!!
nadz, chill out dude. Sometimes more difficult than having someone else living in your home, is to be that someone living in another's home. Treat her with warmth and she'll be mixed in, in no time. And then you'll like her being there. Carry on down this path and she'll pick up on your attitude towards her and schisms will form.
I think you said there are eight of you, one more won't make all that much difference. Besides, things are cheaper when you buy them in bulk.:P
Re: what to do over univited long staying guest...
You wrote on a previous thread that you and your husband moved into your parents house b/c of your pregnancy and how you want someone around in case of emergencies etc. You wrote that you and your husband are currently staying in what used to be a guest room (I'm assuming your old room converted into a guest room once you got married). So you and your husband are CHOOSING to stay in your parents house. Yes I understand you have your reasons for it (ie. pregnancy)....but the fact is that you do not have to stay in that house. It is a choice in you and your husband's part. You wrote there's currently 8 people in the house....so even before you and your husband chose to move in, there were already 6 people in there.
I'm assuming that your cousin is around 18/19/20ish. She's leaving her family, coming to a new country, and in your own words, her family has "money issues". I'm assuming this will be the first time your cousin is away from her family. There are TONS of international students in my college. It's not easy for them to just come over to study.
1) There is nothing you should say to your cousin or her mom. At the end of the day, it is not your house. It is your parents house. Your parents have the responsibility to control who lives in their house and who doesn't.
2) So far your parents have chosen not to be open with your cousin's parents. Your mom has chosen not to be open and direct with her sister. What do you expect the cousin to do? She is a young girl in a new country with not much money. She is probably just doing what her parents (ie. your mom's sister) told her to do. If your mom was willing to be honest, then your mom should have a heart to heart with her sister.
** On a side note, once the girl is settled here, maybe in a month or so, the girl herself may take the steps to move out. She'll need time to meet other students in her university and learn her way around the area. If she's legally allowed to work and can find a part time job, then with the help of new-found friends, the girl herself might take the steps to move into a apartment. I know several people who did that.
I understand that you're frustrated.....but at the end of the day, I'm a firm believer in treating others the way you want to be treated. Personally, if I chose to allow someone to stay in my house (your parents are allowing her to come in), then I would NEVER make them feel unwelcome or treat them unkindly. Especially when it's a young girl! And personally, I'm also a major believer in karma. Your parents have said to her parents that she's allowed to stay in your parents house. But to treat her unkindly or make her feel unwelcome when she's here is just ugly. And in my humble opinion, God doesn't like ugly.
I can relate to your particular situation, Nadz. And I know the concerns all to well. And I understand that we all can feel frustrated at times. But…if we don’t make the effort to keep our emotions (especially negative ones) in check…they start manifesting themselves in our body language, facial expressions, and tone of voice. People pick up on it. And you don’t strike me as someone who is mean. Hang in there…everything will sort itself out. Plus, you’ll be so busy enjoying your baby…you may not even notice her presence much.
Re: what to do over univited long staying guest...
Well, don't worry about it unless there actually is a problem. Right now you're stressing in anticipation of a problem, and since there's nothing you can do, and nothing your parents are willing to do, what's the point in upsetting yourself? If you need help that you're not getting when she arrives, then you can deal with the issue. Right now, just go on as if she weren't there. No need to change your habits. If she's to be part of your household, then don't bother being formal around her. If you think she's going to judge you, who cares? What difference will her judgement make to your life?
Now stop worrying and get some sleep...while you can. :D
Re: what to do over univited long staying guest...
she is not 18/19/20, she is 30.
Nadz aren't u living with ur husband in ur parent's house when u r not supposed to traditionally? didn't ur husband stayed with u guys b4 he was even married to u? so wats the big deal if u hav a big heart n help out another relative esp when she's not going to be a burden on u or ur hubby but ur mom n dad and since they r quiet abt it so should be u.
Re: what to do over univited long staying guest...
she is not 18/19/20, she is 30.
OK, well, your cousin being 30 doesn't change all the other points I mentioned in my post.
I know you won't like to hear this but the bottom line is that you and your husband do not own the house. The house belongs to your parents. Your parents have allowed you and your husband to move in with them. Similarly, they are allowing your cousin to move in with them. The "reasons" are different in the 2 situations....you moved in b/c of your pregnancy. The cousin is moving in because of her education/lack of money.
The only major difference in this situation is that you and your husband can CHOOSE to move out and get a apartment nearby. I don't remember you ever mentioning any major financial issues in your marriage so I'm assuming your husband makes enough money to be able to afford a place of your own. On the other hand, according to your own post, the cousin/her family has "money issues".
Even though your relationship with the owners of the house is much closer than the cousin (ie. you're their daughter)......the bottom line is that both you and the cousin are guests in your parents house. BOTH of you should be grareful to the owners of the house for allowing you to stay in their home in your time of need (ie. you b/c of your pregnancy and your cousin for education/lack of money). BOTH of you, as long term guests in your parents house, need to treat each other and everyone else in the house with respect.
Especially when the baby has pooped.
