I love and respect my mom dearly. I’ve posted a bit about her history, the main thing being that she began to get nasty once her kids (3 of us) moved on and out and ever since its gotten worse and worse and worse. My dad passed away recently and now the nastiness has reached an all-time high which we expected and braced for. BUT…
She has an extreme dislike of my middle son. The one who just turned 5 but looks like a 7 year old and is smart as a 10 year old. He’s a handful I admit but has a heart of gold and truly good intentions (USUALLY). My mom has such an extreme dislike of him that my jaw just drops sometimes. Like he’s sitting on a swing and so is the 3 year old. They BOTH want grandma to give them a push on the swing. Grandma gets up and pushes 3 year old and tells 5 year old “You’re big enough to know how to swing…do it yourself.” When I have them all ready to leave for school, the other 2 boys get “I LOVE you! Have a fun day at school!!” but 5 year old gets “Bye. See you LATER.”
I dont come from a family that sits down and discusses things, esp things like this situation. But it has to stop. Grandma is back at my sisters house now for a week or two but will be back and I cant let this continue. I mean, she’s nasty with me too, I dont do ANYTHING right. But I can suck that up and let it go. I cant let her go at my boy tho. She’ll take away the special sunshine in him. He sees, he knows. He started chewing his fingernails, they were starting to look like chopmeat.
Any advice on how to talk to gramma without making things worse?
be upfront. tell her she's wrecking your son's self-esteem and it is not acceptable. if she wants to continue living with you, she needs to stop, otherwise some other living arrangement will have to be made. i know she's your mom, but she's being really mean to a little boy. kids dont understand these things and they do scar them emotionally... whats your little guy done to deserve that treatment? nothing. its not fair and its not acceptable. its bad enough that she's picking on you and making you feel bad about yourself, but with your son, its pushing things too far. does she perhaps need medical help to chill out? i know its an awful thing to say/consider, but if she's affecting the whole family, something needs to be done.
Thank you for your kind reply GC. I had to smile at your suggestion of medical assistance....my sister and I have talked about trying some herbal remedies in the morning coffee pot. We need to do something, we need to say something. I just have to figure out what to say and how to say it without making things worse for her while making things better for my little boy.
It's a difficult situation.....you watch your child suffer through something you have endured and feel helpless. I don't know what I would do if this was happening to Noor.
I find it hard to suggest a solution since you have said that your family never really discusses things. I come from a similar family and I know how tough it is to just grit your teeth and bear it.
If she is not able to take the "talking to" from you, perhaps she might take it better from an outside person? Is there a friend that she confides in? A neighbour that she spends time with? Anyone that she might listen to? If you could have a conversation with them and ask them to intervene, it might help.
Mamaof3 dont take this the wrong way but i think ur mum sounds quite bitter abt everything. I mean u guys all moved out and for a big part of her life u were all her focus. Then u all found ur own way in life and she probably didnt like that fact that u all became independant esp if she wasnt working-was she working while u were growing up-if she didnt work then she didnt really have anything for herself. Her kids got married and settled down and carried on woith their lives whereas it kinda sounds to me ur mum got a bit lost in that sense-she didnt know what to do with her time once u all left. But she still had ur dad so it took some of the pressure off. But now ur dad has passed away she probably feels very alone and that she has nothing left going on in her life-does that make any sense to u? Esp if she sees u all getting on with ur own lives-as ur bound to when u have kids-i think that ends up causing some sort of bitterness.
I mean when my dad passed away, it was hard for all of us but esp my mum as they'd been married for over 40 yrs and i know she felt quite lost in the sense that she didnt know how she'd deal with life without my dad but now 2 yrs on shes so much better.
I think ur mum needs time to deal with the grief that shes feeling-and i think shes just venting out at ur son-which is totally unacceptable. I agree with SGC, even if the discussion is uncomfortable-it has to b made clear that ur not gonna stand for ur son being "bullied" cos thats effectively what it is and its not right or fair.
Mayb she need to talk thru her grief and stuff with a bereavement counsellor-sometimes that can help and other underlying issues can come out with that as well. I hope u havnt taken offence to what ive said-i can only comment on what i read and it seems to me like ur mum feels quite bitter at the whole world.
Thank you for your kind reply GC. I had to smile at your suggestion of medical assistance....my sister and I have talked about trying some herbal remedies in the morning coffee pot. We need to do something, we need to say something. I just have to figure out what to say and how to say it without making things worse for her while making things better for my little boy.
So many views here but so few replies....
no wise words people?
sometimes the direct approach is the best approach...
you know, it could also be a cry for attention from her... i'm not sure how you'd resolve that, but if one of your sons was bullying the other, how would you deal with it? perhaps employ the same tactics with your mum?
try to show the good in your son (the one she does not like). Try to bring out his qualities so that she can see them. If for example she asks for water tell your second son to take it for her....that way it will maybe show her that he cares and loves her too....tell your second son to tell her i love you grandma....
mm3, you really have to protect your 5 year old from this emotional abuse otherwise you are derelict in your duty as a mother. You should call your mother at your sis's house and lay it on the line. Say something along the lines: mumiji, you treat mere Salim ko (assuming that is his name) with obvious hatred. I cannot have it in my house. You are welcome to come to my house if you can control your meanness. If not, please do not come to my house again.
And mumiji, one more thing. If you come to my house and do it one more time, you will never see or my kids again.
Now mm3, go and say it. Practice it in front of the mirror or in front of a sypatjetic friend before, if you must. Good luck dear.
Lay it out to her straight. Some things must be made clear. Your duty is now to your dependant child. Your duty to your mother is not to be negated but in most reasonable cases your child comes first when it is a matter of his emotional or physical safety. In this case, his emotional safety is in question, so it needs to be spelled out to your mother.
Mama your first priority should be towards your children. You'd never tolerate this behavior from anyone else...dont' be one fo those parents who let their family members walk all over their children and make their kids' lives miserable. I have friends whose aunts and gradnparents and other family members just treat them badly and its just emoitonally damaging...
Thank you for all the advice. Farhana, my mom is splitting her time between my house and my sister's. She'll spend about 2 weeks with me and then 2 with my sister.
I'm having a pow-wow with my sister this afternoon. We'll figure out what I should say and how to try to minimize the damage to mom but make her clearly understand that she's mistreating my middle guy. Then we'll see what happens. She'll be back in 2 weeks so we have that amount of time to try to straighten things out.
Thanks again for all the support and advice, its a big help.
i m not married or very old 2 be the best person 2 advice u but all i know is that dont be so defensive...i can understand u feel bad for yr kid but she is also yr mom so u cant just shun her away......i m amazed at sum responses such as that of "somegroovychick"....i dun know if these same people realize that one day they wl get old too and wl have their issues which mite make them act in a strange way! newayz i m in no way tryin 2 say what she is doin 2 yr kid is alrite...but that doesnt mean u give her a cold shoulder or ask her 2 either get straightened out or u wl show her the door.......if i were in yr situation i wud talk 2 her abt it...ask her the reason for this behavior and make her understand that her behavior is wrong n if affecting yr kid and u 2...and i m sure she wl tell u her reason for behaving like this...and u can solve the issue rite there. good luck!
but isn't that the advice i, and pretty much everyone else here, gave her too? to talk to her mom and figure out whats up with her and then let her know that her behaviour is damaging her middle kid? if she persists in her behaviour and refuses to reason, then yes, i think its time to for a change of scenery.
Mamaof3: While I can understand from where the ladies above are coming from, I have a different point of view. Mothers hold a special place in everyone's life. At least, I want this to continue in the future generations. Your behavior & attitude towards your mother will mold your kids' attitude towards you in your later life. Personally, if I am in such a situation, I shall not be confrontational.
Your mother's behavior must have some reasons. Your mother may see that you give special attention to your middle son while the younger one gets a bit less. There can be a number of other reasons. However, I think you need to broaden your communication channel with your mother. This might be an indication that she is not getting enough attention from you. Show her that she still has importance in your and your kid's lives. You need to talk about your kids to your mother and ask for her advice. This may be the best way to cheer her mood up.
I'd never deprive my boys of their grandma. And like I said initially, I love and respect her dearly. The thing I was trying to figure out is what to say to her without making things worse...the advice here has really been wonderful and Maham, no one was telling me to cut her out of my life or give her the cold shoulder, just get her straightened out before my son is irreparably harmed.
I talked with my sister yesterday and we agreed that something needs to be said. I'll say something like "Mom, its obvious that you dont like him. Its making him sad. If you treat all 3 boys the same way then you'll see what a nice boy he really is." We'll take things from there.
Things do go downhill when she's here. She's mean to middle son all the time, so I give him a bit of extra love and attention. That makes my mom really angry, she thinks he gets too much attention, more than the other 2 so she gets even nastier to him and to me. She has one (nasty) voice for him and a very nice voice when speaking to the other 2, from the time she walks in the door. Anyway, its a nasty cycle that has to stop.
In the end, if all else fails, mom will end up living at my sister's house. The boys would not be deprived of Grandma, we visit whenever we can. But the daily living wouldnt be a problem for my middle son anymore. I truly hope that it doesnt come to that but I cant let my middle son be picked on to the point that he chews his fingers to chopmeat.
mamaof3,
please talk it over with the gran mom as kid's parent and your husband, if possible should be there while you do so. elders have respect but they need to love equally all kids and all grand kids.
otherwise it is not healthy for the family and the relationship of the grand parents, young adult children, and for sure not good, for the kids.
best,
dushwari
I'm sorry you're having these issues mama but if I'm sure you'll figure it out, you're usually the voice of reason around here. Good luck and i hop things work out. Your kids sound fun, I wouldn't mind a bunch of ruffians either. A friend of ours is having triplets, I offered to buy the girl, but no go :(.