AA thank you kindly for your words of encouragement, you never fail to bring a smile! THings are going well for now, grandma is at sister;s house so poor brother in law is getting all the heat at the moment lol....
we're working on things, we got her signed up for a weight wathchers club and she seems to enjoy so far....
fingers and toes crossed!
ps yes you are SO right, my boys are SO much fun...youngest has been loving "Madagascar" which has zoo animals one being "melman" the giraffe, my hubby has a guy named melvin working for him so youngest thinks Daddy works with a giraffe. He wants to go to work with daddy to meet said giraffe. Theres always something of this nature going on in "mo3's house" lol!
Mamaof i think ur Mom is in real pain .She has just lost her husband n some how she through out that pain by attacking ur son even though its not acceptable but still she is ur Mom.She deserve more respect n more patience from u n ur other siblings specially when she is already dealing with the death of her husband.
Give her some time but do ur best to make her feel comfurtable n to simply look for something which will put a smile on her face.Praise ur 5 years old kid infront of her n indirectly talk with her about him n show ur love for him to her but dont do that in a way where u repeat ur praise in a manner which will be not annoying or direspectful to her like dont over do it.
My dear ur heaven is beneath her feets n who said heaven is easy but be patient in ur approach Inshallah things will be ok
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zg, all that you have recommended is already being done....I make all her fave meals, wait on her morn till nite, never say anything even when she's picking on me an my little guy. Although money is a bit tight, I take her out to lunch and out to get a pedicure. She is sorely missing my dad (and so am I) so I do understand and have not put any kind of pressure whatsoever on her, nor have I said even the first thing to her about her bad treatment of my little boy.
My son keeps asking me "why is grandma always angry of me?" and I tell him that she's not really angry at him, she's just sad and missing grandpa. My little 5 year old told me that well, he'll just eat all his meat and "skedge-dables", get big and then HE will be her grandpa, then she'll be happy.
It breaks my heart that this little 5 year old has more empathy, sympathy and understanding than his grandma who has almost 7 times his age.
Yes, she will continue to get all respect and considerations. But if she keeps on taking her sorrows out on my little one, I will need to have a chat with her about it - in as gentle and sympathetic manner as I can come up with but still, it needs to be done, yeah?
*Sister to some extent i can understand ur problem.I lost my father n it was not a pleasent experience .Most peoples just become kid again when they get old.At those moments u have to forget that the other person is ur mother but consider her as ur daugther who is a little naugthy at times.U have to be harsh at times but do it inside the limits like be bad n respectful at the same time but not be too bad where there is no point of return.Always keep ur option open.U have to protect ur Mom n ur son at the same time.
I dont think u will be happy with out any of them .Both r ur responsbilities n thats the good part because with out responsibilities life is boring .Solve the puzzle with patience n inteligence.
Mamof3... that's a really painful spot to be in. I truly hope you're able to work things out with your mother. Your son should definitely not have to suffer for his grandmother's problems, and as his mother, protecting him is your priority. However, as others have mentioned here, grief and loss can sometimes manifest itself in very indirect ways. She could very well be grieving the loss of your dad, and also be extremely angry to be left all alone, without her lifemate. It could even be that your middle son reminds her too much of some characteristic of your father (I'm just giving an example here), and she doesn't know how to separate the hurt from the anger. Many people of our culture consider it frivolous, but counseling to identify the anger and bitterness and find a way to get past it would be really really good for you mom. Barring that, you mentioned you have 2 other siblings. Since you're the one being affected, it may also be a good idea to have the other two talk to her, and make her understand that her actions are hurting you, your son, your family.
As you already know, starting out with accusations, anger, reprimand will only make things worse. And coming from you, since you are the aggrieved, it will make your mom very defensive. But if your other two siblings were to sit her down, and talk to her, try to get her to open up about her hurt, her anger, and show that they care about her feelings and mental health... it might be a start. Regardless of where she ends up staying, or with whom, I think you and your siblings really need to get her to open up about her feelings. We see our parents with different eyes, but the fact is they're still human, still prone to depression, unhappiness, anger, hurt. She wasn't always this person... she was a loving mother to you guys before. It really is up to you guys to help her get back to that state. Allah help you with your endeavors.
You have to consider the fact that shes old and sad. The fact that parents in their old age can be very difficult has even been recognised in Islam and the teachings litterally tell us to not even say 'uff' (a desi/arab exclaimation) when your patience is tested by an old/sick parent. I think you gota recognize the fact that she isnt herself... Like someone says, shes almost like a kid again... so dont look at her age and expect maturity.
Also, just have a chat to her and ask her if the kids have been good with her... ask her you seem kinda cross with the middle one,,, has he done something naughty? if he has, let me know and ill sort him out... because you,ve been feeling that the middle one doesnt sit very nicely with her.... just take that approach... ask her if somethings bothering her about him... which ofcourse would be nothing.... but would get the message across that you have been observing the discrimination... (that would be a much better/subtle approach compared to something like "why are you mistreating my middle kid and you have to stop cos its affecting him" ,, otherwise threat threat threat...) and maybe tell her how wonderful he is and even said those things like why grandma is upset with me and that he wants to be big so he could be her grandpa so shes happy again and stuff like that....
another good suggestion someone gave was to get him involved with small things like bringing her water, or get him more involved with her while ur there, so she sees that the kid really is a sweet one. hope i made sense.
Mamaof3:
Your mother is in a major crises.
Since she can not cope with current status of her life, it goes out on some1…in ur case, ur son.
Grief make people do crazy things.
She might need medicin, she is most likely having a major depression. So consult her doctor and bring the topic up along with doc.
Try to give sadqah, khoon ka sadqah
Pray to Allahjee, ASK all ur family to do the same.
Recite duruud sharif all day long, as much as u can…
*]Talk to her in Giraffe-language. Check the link: http://www.cnvc.org/anger.htm When you do this and this…I feel hurt and Im in dilemma too. Its hard to choose sides…
Your family needs re-adjustment period. It wont be easy, but once your family decide to end a negative circle of patterns within the family, your family will be able to pull through any sort of storm life puts all of us through, now and then… I speak from experience but also such cases are part of my job too. I hope, I was of any help…ALlahjee aap sub ko sabr dey, ameen.
Thank you Kaka and Pathani, for your advice....you have also given me some peace of mind. An update...mom is over at my sisters and doing a bit better, she joined weight watchers and is getting out twice a week. Still picking on my poor bil but he's old enough to understand and deal. I've not said anything, we gave her a lovely mothers day and I'm just letting things go for now. Once things settle, once she comes back, we'll take it one hour at a time. Hopefully, her new activities will keep her occupied enough that she wont pick on my middle guy....fingers and toes crossed!
Thats a tough situation to be in, im sorry you're going through this, but i think you should try and be honest with you mom, she might not even realise she's doing something wrong.
Is there any reason why she dislikes your son? and like others said try and show her the good in your son, and talk to him about it, ask him if it makes him feel bad and then try to comfort him so he knows that you care.
Hello im so sorry it sounds like a bad situation! i have seen this in other families as well....one gets treated like a king and the other is critisized al the time...U HAVE TO STOP THIS! kids are very impressionable and although i know is hard to say something to ur mom esp when u think it wont even help in the long run..u have to ( i know of an instance where the kid who got treated great is now married and happy and younger than his older bro who is still unmarried, nervous, socially awkward and even has a mental condition) and i truly believe its because of the treatment he receivd from everyone. it might seem minor now...but u dont have any idea how serious kids take things....the longer u wait the more ur poor son has to suffer.
say something to her w. ur sister by ur side ASAP! i dont wnat to scare u but its not fair to ur poor son at all...(hence the nervousness alreayd w. the nail biting) u have to sit her down and first ask her ....why the nastiness to him only? get her answer first before u start blaming...maybe a reason will come out....(not that there willl any good one but at least u knw hwere shes coming from) go from there and tell her it has to stop or she wont be welcome at ur house and she will have to stay w. ur sister at all times becaue its bad for him. also its great u got her in other activiites.....hopefully this will keep her busy...good luck! dont wait.
