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Re: What should I do? :(
Hey laldupatta! Sorry to hear about your situation. It really sucks to be in that position and I can imagine how you must feel. My opinion would be that as women we invest a lot in our relationships and are very emotional. You need a guy who is as invested in your relationship with him as you are. From this guy's response it does not seem he is as invested as you are, otherwise he would made his feelings clear to you. I think men are very simple. When a man really cares for you / loves you, it's always very clear with no ifs and buts. Hard as it is, my advice would be to let him go and move on. Wish you best of luck!
Re: What should I do? :(
Might be stupid but gaahhh lol. So should I email him, letting him know everything or just let it be, ignore and move on?
Not "might".....it IS stupid. His family didn't contact your mother without talking to him first. If he really wanted to marry you, he would've convinced his family already and they (him AND his family) would've turned down the other family no matter how strong the pressure is. You are not their #1 choice. Move on with your life.
Oh and learn a lesson from this. In these arranged rishtas, the other side can back out at any moment without a "good" reason. So do not allow yourself to become emotionally attached to a guy until at least a wedding date has been set.
Re: What should I do? :(
^ Or maybe he lied to you b/c he wasn't expecting you to contact him even after his family ended things?
And let's say what he told you is the truth.....so even when you told him what his mother said....he didn't fight for you. In arranged marriages, the final decision is usually left up to the elders. Even if a guy/girl is ok with a rishta...they're not going to go against their family if the family wants to back out for whatever reason. Save your dignity and move on.
Re: What should I do? :(
Not "might".....it IS stupid. His family didn't contact your mother without talking to him first. If he really wanted to marry you, he would've convinced his family already and they (him AND his family) would've turned down the other family no matter how strong the pressure is. You are not their #1 choice. Move on with your life.
Oh and learn a lesson from this. In these arranged rishtas, the other side can back out at any moment without a "good" reason. So do not allow yourself to become emotionally attached to a guy until at least a wedding date has been set.
It's not easy if the dude is being pressured, he probably ashamed of talking to OP, what makes you think he didn't feel the same way about her like she did about him (I'm playing devil's advocate for a sec), but yes like Paheli said, this whole rishta thing even if its "pakka" means nothing unless you're at least engaged, so keep your chin up. Texting all day is a good way to get emotionally attached and screwed over if things go well and then not so well, this goes for everyone on L&R.
Re: What should I do? :(
^ yup, I'm learning it now how this works. Nothing is confirmed until its all settled down to the final stages. Thanks for the support :) keeping my chin and self-respect up!
Re: What should I do? :(
I agree that one should not get so attached in just a rishta process but since you said that he is the only one out of many that you felt a connection with maybe there actually is something there. You said that it was you who texted him first and wished him goodbye but that could have made him feel that you didn't feel anything since maybe you weren't really serious and so he decided to go along with his family without any disagreement. I think you should go ahead and email him because your families are not related and your action isn't going to affect anyone but at least you will be satisfied.
Re: What should I do? :(
It's not easy if the dude is being pressured, he probably ashamed of talking to OP, what makes you think he didn't feel the same way about her like she did about him (I'm playing devil's advocate for a sec).
And even IF he feels that way...so what? The other girl's family is their relative so they're not going away. Even IF......and this is a major IF.....the guy fights for OP and they get married.....at the end, OP will be the reason behind causing MAJOR family drama on their side. There will be certain members in that family who will take the other's girl's side and will be resentful towards OP b/c they will view her as the "outsider" who caused tension in the family. This will lead to drama/arguments/tension etc......and there is a good chance the guy will put in situations where he'll feel stuck between his blood family and OP. I could understand OP fighting to save this if they had been dating each other for years and actually were at a point where they (guy and her) had an actual relationship....not just exchanging formal texts for a short period of time due to an arranged situation.
There is already hints of drama if OP pursues this and gets in that family. Just read the other threads here where wives are dealing with unhappy marriages. In almost all the cases, there were warning signs before.......some of the women knew that they weren't the #1 choice for the in-laws. Yet they chose to marry in that family anyway and now are dealing with regular drama/tension/arguments as a result.
Re: What should I do? :(
Next time even if his parents insist they want you to get to know their son, say nah-uh, not unless you put a ring on it.
Mind you, this is only really applicable for those whom either want or only have the arranged route as an option.
But aside from that, actions speak louder than words. Never trust a guy who texts/messages more and does pretty much nothing else aside from that - whether it be taking the initiative to hang out or call.
Re: What should I do? :(
Next time even if his parents insist they want you to get to know their son, say nah-uh, not unless you put a ring on it. .
I don't think there is anything wrong with the guy/girl having a few private conversations to make sure that they're compatible. They need to make sure they're on the same page regarding the future goals and vision of a married life/family. But I think what OP did here with the guy was a bad idea. There is no reason to chit-chat or exchange random texts about daily stuff/jokes etc. with a guy during an arranged situation for weeks.
Even if the families can't meet in person due to distance.....OP and the guy should have given their "decision" to their parents after discussing their future goals/expectations and told their parents to start the process of taking this to the next level. Thanks to technology, there's no need to meet in person to start discussing engagement/wedding etc.
He lives in another city (about 10 hr drive) so we thought if anything was to happen, both sides could have met in the summer iA.
Re: What should I do? :(
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Re: What should I do? :(
I just wanted to know his decision that's why I thought about asking him.
Well, the elders in his family called your mother and ended any further rishta talks. The guy has told you already that the final decision will be made by elders. You still can't figure out what his decision is?
Oh and btw, in an arranged situation, you should not be texting for WEEKS. Pick up the phone and actually TALK. Have 2-3 long conversations that are straight to the point. Discuss future goals, expectations from spouse, religious practices, concerns regarding joint family living/career/education etc. Then give your family the green light to move forward OR end things.
Once engagement happens, then continue to get to know one another by texting or whatever. But this is not a dating scenario where you're going to exchange text messages for weeks/months before baat paaki. B/C if you do, then you risk happening what you're going through now......getting emotionally attached to a guy who has made absolutely no commitment to you.
Re: What should I do? :(
If the guy likes you he will fight tooth and nail for you. Any man worth his salt will make sure the girl he wants to spend the rest of his life with will be his wife. Its pretty simple and I don't get it why some men just can't stand up for what they want. I know I did. I personally believe choosing ones own spouse is the first step of true independence. You are making a decision that is purely your own. One that defines the rest of your life together with someone else.
More men need to stop being momma's boys and decide what they want and who they want.
I digress. Basically you should forget him. Its harsh but its true. He most likely wasn't worth it anyway.
Re: What should I do? :(
Hello :) I would appreciate all your guys' help and opinions on this as I am confused and you can say getting a bit emotional on this matter. About a month ago, a rishta came for me and his side wanted us to talk beforehand (see if we have an understanding, to get to know one another etc.). My parents agreed and the guy and I talked on the phone for the first time and decided to keep in touch. We texted back and fourth and talked on the phone just once again. Our texts exchanged were long and he would share his daily details with me, joke around and we were just at ease & ourselves with each other. We got along great and started to understand each other. I started to think that he might be 'the one'. We were on the same page for a lot of important things such as: Islam, future, goals, family, culture etc. It wasn't constant crazy texting. We would give each other a couple of days off then text to see how things were and end up talking via texts all evening or day. He lives in another city (about 10 hr drive) so we thought if anything was to happen, both sides could have met in the summer iA. But then a few days ago, his side called and told my mom how there's another family in the same city which he lives in that turned out to be their far relatives. That girl's family is putting pressure on them to fix their rishta since they are related. I was sad not going to lie when I found this out. I have talked to guys before regarding this rishta/shaadi process but he is the only one so far that I've felt a connection with. After I found that out, I texted him my well wishes for him and his future and he did the same. However, I still think about it. I want to know his answer and not his family's. Maybe he felt the same, I don't know? Might be stupid but I want to email him and let him know how I feel and ask for his answer. I don't know if he went ahead with the rishta and the baat-paki happened or not. If he's happy and wants to go ahead with the other one then I'll be respectful and happy and let it be :) Take a risk and see what he thinks. I don't know if I should email or just let it be and ignore. Any advice and opinions my fellow guppians?
I can understand what you are going trough.Its crazy how some people have strong attraction that even if intentionally want to repel, we just cant.Give yourself some time and hopefully you will get over him.
Re: What should I do? :(
I went through my first real "rishta" situation recently and the same thing happened to me. Stupidly got a little too invested with the guy (in all fairness, it was initiated by him) and was emailing back and forth almost daily. Well..one day they just vanished. I haven't heard from him 1x since his mother called the last time...1 year ago. I still have random urges to email just to see what happened but my mother told me something that sticks with me and makes me stop. "Any guy that's worth having will fight for you. If he wants to be with you, he'll make it happen. If he doesn't, then let it go; it's not worth it."
And I agree, don't get too attached. I did the same and...it was miserable. Hang in there and don't give in to temptation of emailing him. He would've contacted you if he cared. Sorry. :/
Re: What should I do? :(
And even IF he feels that way...so what? The other girl's family is their relative so they're not going away. Even IF......and this is a major IF.....the guy fights for OP and they get married.....at the end, OP will be the reason behind causing MAJOR family drama on their side. There will be certain members in that family who will take the other's girl's side and will be resentful towards OP b/c they will view her as the "outsider" who caused tension in the family.
this is a silly excuse, if OP and her rishta fall in love the guy's family doesn't really matter, its their life, not their parents'. I love my family, I'm open to arranged marriage for myself, but if I marry someone I love I'm sure my family would understand. Maybe my family is different, but I don't think they'd chose my relative's pride over my happiness and guilt me into marrying someone I don't really want to marry, maybe we're not getting the whole picture, maybe OP's rishta wants to marry the other girl, but this is information we're not privy to.
Re: What should I do? :(
Once engagement happens, then continue to get to know one another by texting or whatever. But this is not a dating scenario where you're going to exchange text messages for weeks/months before baat paaki. B/C if you do, then you risk happening what you're going through now......getting emotionally attached to a guy who has made absolutely no commitment to you.
also, what makes you think people can't get attached while talking on the phone rather than texting, we did have people falling in love before cell phones, talking is good, doesn't matter if its over text/facebook/phonecalls/love letters etc etc, you just have to be aware that this could fall apart, relationships fall apart all the time, rishtas aren't immune to this principle.
Re: What should I do? 
LOL. I hate to break it to you but in a desi marriage, family DOES matter. It’s not about just the husband/wife. The woman is marrying into the guy’s family…the guy into the woman’s. And the whole “I’m sure my family would understand me marrying someone I live even if that’s not someone they would pick” is an assumption on your part. Being un-married, it’s an assumption you have not tested. As I said already, plenty of women on this forum alone married into a family where they knew they weren’t the “top choice”. Drama didn’t stop after nikah just b/c the in-laws love their son. My own husband felt the exact same way about his parents…that they love him unconditionally & will accept me b/c he’s happy. He found out the hard way after marriage that he was wrong.
Go get married 1st to someone who your parents don’t want as their #1 choice and then come back and tell us how your parents treat accepted her without drama b/c of their love for you. Oh and also, get married first and then find out just how much it’s just you and the wife.
My point wasn’t phone vs. texting. My point was the duration of time and what’s been talked about.
Re: What should I do? :(
LOL. I hate to break it to you but in a desi marriage, family DOES matter.
Depends if you live in Pakistan or you're really fresh off the boat, my family is pretty FOB but I like to think my happiness does matter to them.
It's not about just the husband/wife. The woman is marrying into the guy's family...the guy into the woman's. And the whole "I'm sure my family would understand me marrying someone I live even if that's not someone they would pick" is an assumption on your part. Being un-married, it's an assumption you have not tested.
It's not an assumption, if they guilt me into marrying someone I don't want to, buck em. I said I'm open to arranged marriage, but I'm not going to marry someone I don't want to. My family is pretty affluent/well educated, doctor + professor, I guess your point might stand true if OP's rishta's family is blue collar/less educated.
As I said already, plenty of women on this forum alone married into a family where they knew they weren't the "top choice". Drama didn't stop after nikah just b/c the in-laws love their son. My own husband felt the exact same way about his parents.....that they love him unconditionally & will accept me b/c he's happy. He found out the hard way after marriage that he was wrong.
Go get married 1st to someone who your parents don't want as their #1 choice and then come back and tell us how your parents treat accepted her without drama b/c of their love for you. Oh and also, get married first and then find out just how much it's just you and the wife.
I'm only 23, I'm not planning on getting married until I'm at least 30, and I'm not really sure if I want to get married/have kids. The point is why should my parents have to accept her if I chose to go the non arranged route? I wouldn't hesitate to send them packing if they don't accept me for the choices I make, a little side note, I wasn't raised by my parents, so even though I love them, I can live without them. I'm pretty independent. Don't judge me when you don't know me.