The point is why should my parents have to accept her if I chose to go the non arranged route?
In case you missed it...we're talking specifically about 2 people (ie. OP and the guy) who have chosen the arranged route. In fact, OP has written that the guy specifically told her that the final decision will be made by elders. So let's stick to opinions/advice based on the situation OP is in.
I wouldn't hesitate to send them packing if they don't accept me for the choices I make, a little side note,I wasn't raised by my parents, so even though I love them, I can live without them. I'm pretty independent.
I hope you realize this already but this is a RARE thing among desis. Overwhelming majority of us were actually raised by our parents and even when we don't have a cozy relationship with them......we're not willing to "send them packing". Even when things aren't perfect, we want our parents to be involved in our lives and want to be there for them if/when they need help at an old age. When offering advice, you need to understand what situation the poster is in and whether or not your personal feelings/views even apply to them. Its not necessarily about what you would do.....but what's realistic for the OP based on her specific situation.
Being "independent" does not mean the ability or willingness to kick your parents out of your life. Plenty of people on this forum (men and women) are independent but still maintain a close bond with their parents.
If you were not raised by your parents and you have no problem "sending them packing" if they don't accept your choices....then that's great for you. But you must keep in mind that a person going through the arranged rishta route (ie. OP and the guy) clearly care about their parents opinion and will base their decision with the parents approval. So in their case (which btw also happens to be the case for most desis......even the ones in the West)........the feelings/opinions of family members do matter. It matters now and will continue to matter well after the wedding day.
Some kids do give in for their happiness and just let it be that way.
You are absolutely right. And guess what....if a man is showing you right now that he's willing to sacrifice his own happiness in order to keep his parents happy.......don't for a minute fool yourself into thinking that he will change after marriage. If he can sacrifice his own happiness....then he can (and most likely will) sacrifice his wife's happiness if that's what it takes to keep his parents happy.
If you were not raised by your parents and you have no problem "sending them packing" if they don't accept your choices....then that's great for you. But you must keep in mind that a person going through the arranged rishta route (ie. OP and the guy) clearly care about their parents opinion and will base their decision with the parents approval. So in their case (which btw also happens to be the case for most desis......even the ones in the West)........the feelings/opinions of family members do matter. It matters now and will continue to matter well after the wedding day.
Maybe I should have worded stuff better, I'm very close with my old man, we go to the gym/swimming together, we were just discussing getting a new lens for our camera, we're both into photography etc etc, but the thing is, he would have ZERO input in where/to whom I get married, if I do go the arranged route it would come down to my mother/other relatives (of which I have few, my family isn't too close with my paternal side of the family, and my mother is an only child right now, I can't marry my cousins since my male cousins know what kind of an A-hole I am, they'd never let me marry their sister lmao, but anyway...)
OP siad in a recent post that the rishta's family did like her and the guy also liked her, yet here you're implying what I was saying earlier
You are absolutely right. And guess what....if a man is showing you right now that he's willing to sacrifice his own happiness in order to keep his parents happy.......don't for a minute fool yourself into thinking that he will change after marriage. If he can sacrifice his own happiness....then he can (and most likely will) sacrifice his wife's happiness if that's what it takes to keep his parents happy.
basically what you're saying is the rishta is an A-hole for doing what the parents are telling him to, yet you were giving out to me when I said he should get back to the negotiating table (sounds weird, but thats what it is really) and marry OP, and disregard the pressure.
First off..me or my parents would never put girl's family in a situation like this. I mean..why the heck..you contact a girl's parents in a first place?What my parents usually have done was..told girl's family before hand..that..if BOTH..your daughter and son are ok with this and that is after they get to know each other a bit..then we will proceed to a next level. Otherwise..no hard feelings. And i did get to know these girls..but we didn't end up clicking..so i did convey that to her after 2 long convos. I didn't feel a need to drag it to months or weeks. No point at all. So in your case..he should have communicated with you that..he doesn't feel that both of you're for each other and no hard feelings. So in a nutshell..he went to his mom to call your family..what i am saying is...he should have communicated that with you..instead of her. I don't see that manly thing to do yo.
Well..as much as it hurts lal..know that InshaAllah..Allah has something better plans for all of us. Don't let this get to you..save this for someone special in your life..Aameen.
Lal...my view on this is: at times what we want may not be best for us. In this scenario, the bond between you and him needed to break because you weren't meant to be. How it broke, who broke it or why it broke is no longer important because it did indeed break. It happened and it happened in a way where you didn't really have a choice in the matter. Meaning, it wasn't supposed to progress. He isn't your future and that's all there is to it.
I don't think there is anything wrong with the guy/girl having a few private conversations to make sure that they're compatible. They need to make sure they're on the same page regarding the future goals and vision of a married life/family. But I think what OP did here with the guy was a bad idea. There is no reason to chit-chat or exchange random texts about daily stuff/jokes etc. with a guy during an arranged situation for weeks.
Even if the families can't meet in person due to distance.....OP and the guy should have given their "decision" to their parents after discussing their future goals/expectations and told their parents to start the process of taking this to the next level. Thanks to technology, there's no need to meet in person to start discussing engagement/wedding etc.
See that's the thing about some families - because often you don't know what kind of people you're dealing with, it's really important that parents, especially the girl's parents are clear and confident about certain things when arranging marriages. If they let their daughter stay in touch with a potential guy for weeks and the other family is being wishy-washy then it's not fair to these girls who are hopeful and at times consequently exploited in the process. So that's the type of 'get to know my son' attitude I was speaking about earlier. Next time if it's this detailed and prolonged then yeah say no way beforehand until they verbally commit or the guy makes up his mind. Unless, you're strong enough and experienced enough not to picture your life and name your future kids with him.
Sometimes people don't really know what they want and have zero dating experience so getting to know a potential partner can automatically lead to attachment. But just like in anything else in life, experience in either dating or other romantic interactions will make such a difference. Eventually, you'll know way earlier where things are going - either because of how you feel about him or either you clearly read his signs about you.
I read all the posts you guys post on here and am trying to see things from a different perspective now. Starting to think more logically and realistically rather then emotionally which is good :) Thanks to all of you who wished well and encouraged me to move on. Sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart. You guys stopped me from doing something stupid.
Don't want to speak in absolutes but let's just say it's more likely than not that when a guy is truly interested, you will know it with clarity, little to no guesswork involved.
Guys are easy to understand. We say whats on our mind. Its pretty simple. We are unhappy we are unhappy. If we tell you we tell you. If we don't we don't. If the guy likes you he will show you, he will indicate it in every possible way. He will spend time with you, he will talk to you, he will do stuff he normally doesn't do for you. Its not that hard.
Women on the other hand....yessh. But then again I really just don't get women.
Luckily, The pleasure is all mine.