I want a sincere and serious advice from you all regarding my personal issue.
I have a long term relationship with a person who I loved with all my heart and soul. He loves me too. It’s about 5yrs we know each other. After 2yrs of long distance relationship, he visited my home and me my Mother personally & stated about his interest in me and asked her to hold me for him, he will send proper proposal. My mother asked him to send his parents so that we can proceed.
Next year he sent his all sisters, 2 elder and 1 younger (all married) but his mother didn’t come, I don’t know why. His sister’s behavior was also awkward, only one the eldest one was pretty descent and of good nature, the youngest was kept laughing all the time that was quite weird.
After they came, he didn’t talk to me, didn’t even reply me and went to UK again and disappeared. I kept on calling, mailing, texting him, but he didn’t replied. After 3 months he called me and said his parents are not agreed and creating fuss but he is trying to sort out. Then again he went disappeared for a yr and didn’t contact me.
I was so depressed and somehow preparing myself to forget him and I succeeded as well. But as soon as I was again into my life, he came back with the word SORRY. Saying his parents were not agreed and he had no guts to face me, but now his parents are agreed and ready, only he is waiting for his sister to come back from UK.
That time my mother was diagnosed with cancer and my family was going through this. I asked him to see her as she is not well and she is the only one who knows about me and him. But he didn’t. Later on my mom passed away 2months back, I was in grave sorrow, he was in another city, he cud have came in tadfeen, but he didn’t, he cud have called me for condolence , but even that he didn’t.
He left me alone at that time wen I needed him most. But I didn’t wait for him and his excuses anymore. My family doest like him, he is just used to giving hundreds of excuses on everything.
As I was in depression of my mom and him, I started making frnds to forget my past and luckily I found someone who really cares for me, also have proposed me, pretty decent guy. N I was thinking abt him aswell seriously, now again he came back with the excuse that he was afraid for facing me at the time of my mother’s death cuz I will blame him for taking too long as my mom passed away.
This time wen he came back, I feel no happiness bcz of him in my life. But wen I sit alone and think abt the past, I think I cannot forget him and he is my life. I have no close friend to discuss it with her, my only friend was my mother, and she passed away L. May b I m not in a position to judge whats gud and whats not.
U ppl are so helpful, kindly give ur comments, what shud I do?
ZK is ryte but at the same time you have to ask yourself a few questions:
1) which one of these guys do you love more? why? if you love the guy who disappears more...do you also love or can fall in love with the guy who you met in absence of the disappearer?
2) which one of these guys do you think is more dependable?
3) based on each guy's behavior which one do you think loves YOU more?
i personally would go with the guy who's the answer choice for questions 2 and 3
I feel really sorry for you This sounds like an awful experience to have gone through. I think you're still emotionally attached to the first guy but you know the way he treated you just wasn't right. And if his family don't like you, your married life is bound to be difficult as well, and you don't have your mother for support anymore.
As always I'd advise you pray istikharah and ask God for guidance. But from what you've written I think the first guy isn't the one you should go for.
Sorry to read about you losing your mother. May Allah give her maghfarat and grant her high place in Jannat. Ameen.
Answer to your relationship question:
You love him alright , does he love you, what has he done to prove that ? Nothing , zilch , nada ,zero , cipher .
Nothing in your story tells me that he has ever done anything nice to prove his love for you.
He has used your love for him as a boomerang , he goes away on an adventure when that adventure fails or is over he comes back to your tavern of love to seek solace from one failed adventure to another.
Move on and stop dreaming of a life with this adventurer. Once the honey moon is over he will go on an adventure , when you are pregnant with his kid he will start another adventure , when you will be in hospital he will be climbing mount Everest and every time he will have perfect story and a perfect excuse.
Wake up ,open your eyes and smell the coffee the sweet dream is over.
marriage is not **only **about love but it is also about security, **dependability **and being there for the next person ESP in times of need ! So far I think the first guy has filled neither criteria and seems quite a dodgy character to me.
Even if the guy was super nice and had remained consistent and not done the disappearing acts - his reluctant family could have posed serious problems later in your relationship. Marriage means accepting and adjusting into the SO's family.
So if I were you I would run away from the first guy and never see him again! Am terribly sorry to hear about your mother ! may Allah give you courage to bear with such a loss and may Allah erase all your problems (ameen)
Remember time heals all wounds and you would eventually get over this guy once he's out of your life and that would be much better than being stuck with a hostile family and a guy who doesn't care enough or doesnt give you the security and dependence every wife needs from her husband
I am really sorry to hear of your situation. My advice is to force yourself to forget about the first guy. Each time your mind tries to think about him from an emotional point of view, remind yourself of the facts of this situation. A person who loves you will make sure they find a way to be there for you when you are going through such tough time. They wouldnt ignore u for months. Like you said you feel no happiness now when he came back, deep down you know what is the right thing to do. It is better to cry now than later. If u accept him after he behaved that way, he will behave much worse in the future and always think he can come back after saying the word sorry. In some time you will look behind and you will thank Allah that you managed to escape from such a person. Keep reciting dua for Isthikara. Inshallah May Allah give you happiness and peace.
iam really sorry 4 u my dear but listen, if a guy cant face you & hve lots of excuses to meet you & specially on ths tym u really need him .. LET HIM .. FORGET HIM my dear he dont deservs you ... For example listen if u get marriage one day u r in tension in trouble ri8? Thn i dont thk soo tht he will stand by u r side...
You may have been in love with him before but I dont think you're in love anymore. So dont push yourself to feel something that isnt there.
You are free to make your choices in life but there is no one on this forum that will advise you to be with a man you cannot rely on. When you get married, you are supposed to depend on each other, rely on each and also support each other. He has done none of the above and is using you as his security blanket.
I personally believe he has someone else in his life that is yo-yo-ing him around and that is why he is doing the same to you. I dont think he loves you at all.
From personal experience, if you take a guy like him back into your life, it will be the worst decision you've probably ever made. It's definitely the possible that the guy might have changed but you'll always look at him through passed memories and trust me, that isn't the way you want to continue on with your life. Go for the other guy. You'll be a lot happier
Do whats best for yourself and move on. If he wasn't there for you in the past, he won't be there for you in the future either. I think its best for you if you moved on from him.
ZK is ryte but at the same time you have to ask yourself a few questions:
1) which one of these guys do you love more? why? if you love the guy who disappears more...do you also love or can fall in love with the guy who you met in absence of the disappearer?
2) which one of these guys do you think is more dependable?
3) based on each guy's behavior which one do you think loves YOU more?
i personally would go with the guy who's the answer choice for questions 2 and 3
you are right, i want a sincere, dependable and trustworthy partner, and ofcourse love. but he is no gud for any of them.
