So, no beating about the bush. I’m overweight. This is something I’ve struggled with for years, and I’m trying to change this but that’s a work in progress (and something for another thread maybe).
Now imagine a desi professional female, with a mix of Asian and British tendencies, but perhaps more Asian and that’s me. I’m easy-going, bubbly, people tell me they enjoy working with me etc.
Now, all these years, I’ve not had a relationship (I am a ‘moderate’ Muslim - I don’t drink, I always eat halal, fast and usually pray. I do not wear a hijab but dress modestly). I’ve also not had any serious ‘rishtas’. Feedback my mum has always received is that it’s weight related (at least that’s what she’s told me).
At work, I get compliments (and asked out) from (decent, nice) non-Asian guys and I brush them off in a friendly manner, making it clear I’m not interested (I want to end up with someone with the same religious beliefs etc with me and don’t want to do anything non-Halal).
So my long-winded question is something I’ve wondered for a little while. If it was just my weight putting people off (I do accept that is fair), why would I be receiving compliments etc from different people. What is it that puts off the more ‘traditional’ Asian guys - just weight? Or am I intimidating (education/job/personality/something else) to Asians but not non-Asians? If I cannot fix my weight issue, will I end up alone or have to ‘compromise’ on who I want to have a relationship with?
when it comes to rishtaas (and not casual dating), the asian guys (and their mums, sisters, aunts, their aunt’s niece, their aunt’s niece’s sister-in-law etc etc etc), become extremely picky, they want a Katrina kaif look alike who is very sharif, very educated, very classy, very sughad, and who should have no qualms massaging sasu ji’s arthritic knees, cooking dever ji’s halwas, and colour dying sasur ji’s greying sideburns etc etc etc.
HAHAHAHA
You, sir, may have just summarised the Asian rishta business (they’re so totally transactional, aren’t they?).
I know your question is rhetorical, but of course I don’t fit the bill! I probably tick 2 or 3 of those - and none of them are to do with being a submissive bahu. I see your point.
So, in addition to addressing my weight, I perhaps need a change of tact in how I’m going about finding someone.
Trouble is, the only way I meet guys is through work. These men are either non-Muslim, and if they’re Muslims, they’re very anglicised and not religious at all. The ones that sit in the middle are already married. (Sorry, am I whingy?).
Ye age old question. How do I find what I’m looking for
You should not limit yourself to one culture, I know a couple of sisters here and they were really dark complexioned and no pakistanis would give them the time of day, they moved to UK for higher studies and now have really handsome goras. My children will not be limited by culture. Many men are very adaptable and if faith is important to you they might even convert. if you convert a kaffir your seven generations will be guaranteed Jannah. Not all men are attracted to skinny women. Conservatives look for an item, modern men look at the person.
You have rightly pointed out it’s the women who assume, a man wants these things. Most will try to tell the guy that’s what they need in a wife, without knowing what the guy wants.
OP, you need to cast your net wide. Its a huge issue for females who have limited themselves to work. I have a very pretty senior, who committed herself to work, never got herself enough time to socialize outside hospital and now she is 50 and single.
I wouldn’t say I’m limiting myself to one culture, but the guy being a believing Muslim is a requirement for me. If I meet the right gora Muslim, I’d be happy with that. What I don’t want to do is date a gora (and all the non-halal stuff that goes with that) and then ask them to convert for appearances sake.
I like your last statement. Now where do I find these modern Muslim men? Do they exist?!
I am indeed in the U.K.
I have to say I haven’t tried these sites myself, but I have had a look from time to time and I suppose my years of insecurity about my weight has prevented me from joining, as I’ve interpreted the little statement ‘I like to gym it and want my wife to look after herself too’ as the men saying they want size 0 fitties.
Have you personal experience of the UK desi scene?
I hear what you’re saying. If I continue to stick with the traditional way of finding a rishta, I’m trying to measure up to the requirements of the guy’s family and not him.
I need to change this. I think of course I’ve known this, but maybe I’ve been lying to myself because change is scary, and nobody wants to feel unwanted.
I do love my work, and it’s a big part of my life - I spend a lot of hours at the hospital, as I’m sure you do too! But I definitely do not want work to be the only thing in my life, it isn’t ALL that I am. I most definitely do not want to be the eccentric (speciality considered eccentric already!), old cat lady a few years down the line.
So, fabulous people of Gupshup, where shall I start? Any particular sites or apps? Personal experience stories greatly appreciated.
Most of my nephews are like that but I would just classify them as cultural Muslims. One guy ended up marrying a Guyanese Hindu girl, another is marrying a vietnamese girl and another is common law with a Syrian girl getting married end of July. A committed relationship IMO is more sacred than a marriage where the husband is gawking at other women. Either you move with time or suffer. We became humans from apes because of adaptability. My best BIL is the least religious and his family thrived, his daughters are amazingly successful and the ones where the husband is religious they didnt do so well.
You would like to be at places where your chances of meeting your desired demographics are highest. I would say, it would be activities related to Cricker, Mosque, Charity, Political or quasi-Political gatherings. Patient support groups are another great way. Social events/gatherings with others in community, even if they are married. They can always help you meet other potentials.
Being in medicine is double edged sword, it makes it easy make connections, but, at same time, after a while most will like you to see their Phuphi/Chachi/Mami or get speed up an appointment for MRI or a speciality. Specially the way NHS is these days.
Dating/matrimonial sites, I have no experience of, but, what I have heard from others is that it needs its own skills and if you cannot market yourself properly, it can be a major blow to your confidence.
For the people who need their personality to show, real world meet ups are much better.
Bobby ji, I love your anecdotes.
I think where I am in my life, I have my own rules and deal breakers and I wouldn’t want to do something that wouldn’t sit right with me. Shrug
Thank you.
Interesting points - I hadn’t thought of some of these.
So I need to find the aunties and uncles and socialise in their circles. I’m currently working away from my home city (but not for much longer). I feel I’ve wasted an opportunity to get to know those people here - I think mainly because the younger unmarried people I’ve come across have been either non-practising or agnostics, so I just gave up on the idea of meeting someone here.
My fear is when I return to my home town, I will end up socialising within my comfort group - same old family friends or uni mates (no potentials in that latter circle, all Caucasian girls). I shall have to make an effort and seek out these other sources. I guess I’ll have to be sociable with a wider range of people at work - but I feel weird even thinking about socialising with an ulterior motive.
I am more about western philosophy of human rights. Humanism and gender equality and not about skin tones. Lil Harris thinks Rihanna is the hottest woman alive and Safy thinks Beyonce is the best. I would embrace with an open heart even if the partners are black/white/Jewish/Muslims etc as long as they subscribe to human and gender equality. Although I have trained them to not seek our approval but do what seems right to them.
Totally agree with that young missy, and have seen where people change, deal breakers change and what we like and dislike changes…I used to think that I liked a certain kind of women but then dating them I found out I was completely wrong, my wife had same ideals about religion and after being abused twice in her life she proposed to a certified atheist and has been one hell of an amazing ride for the both of us. Biggest problem is we don’t date a lot. I see my boys friends who say they like this kind of girl and after being exposed say now they like another kind.
The reason you get more attention from people from other cultures is because they work with you, have gotten to know you, like you and have a personality to match with your face which makes you more attractive to them. You smile around them, talk to them, laugh with them and there is zero pressure on or them to impress the other.
The reason you’re not making progress in the rishta scene is because you are being judged solely on your looks and resume. At the end of the day, all MIL’s want a pyari si bahu and all men want is to show off their slim and pretty wife. The arranged marriage scene can be brutal on one’s self esteem if you’re plus sized, dark, less educated or come from a lower middle class family.
I wouldn’t say you’re destined to be alone but if you’re not willing to date then you need to buckle down and address what you DO have some control over. Lose the weight. I hate to sound superficial but if you do not, it becomes increasingly difficult to find a good match via the arranged marriage route. You sound like a smart and practical girl with a good head on your shoulders. Do not let the situation control you…you control it.
You can definite;y find a good man via the Muslim dating sites and yes with Pakistani-British ethnicities. My friend had a good suceess story even though she hqad several negatives regrading the rishta criteria, e.g. very short height, age, lower middle class family what not and yes, she found a Pakistani Muslim living abroad. So yes, it can take time but can happen. I am glad you are not letting go of your morals. Ma Sha Allah. I know its easier to gel with people who have a similair background so if ypu are looking for British Pakistani men or whatever it is that you consider important, its doable. As long as you are willing to compramise on other things and don’t have stringent requirements.
