This question is intended for all the married women to get the true insight.
As obvious as my question sounds, the answers are not very clear, and vary alot.
Once you get married, what is it really like entering in a new life ? What gives you butterflys ? Whats bad and What Good?
I am trying to get a flashback from early days of your marriage, how was it, and what decisions at that point made journey ahead, a good one.
Re: What is Pakistani Shadi Experience really like?
Are you asking for the wedding experience or the marriage experience? I'm afraid they're two very different beasts.
Re: What is Pakistani Shadi Experience really like?
marriage..
Re: What is Pakistani Shadi Experience really like?
The early days are the best and the worst.
At first, everything is new and fun and exciting! You're both putting your best foot forward and aer getting to know the best parts of your SO's personality. You're exploring this new life and each other at this stage. Afer a few months of living together though, you start to find out the person's flaws and weaknesses. You may feel restricted because now you have to consult another person on all of your life decisions (be they big or small). These feelings may even lead to fights. In my case, pretty much all our fights in the early days revolved around one of us making plans for the both of us without consulting the other in advance. Things often get blown out of proportion when emotions are running high. Eventually though (if you're lucky), you learn to adjust and reach a happy medium. This happened to us ~1yr after we got married. We still have the occsional disagreement/fight but nothing like what we used to. Alhamdolillah, we have now learned how to "deal" with each other and it was harder than I had expected it to be.
Re: What is Pakistani Shadi Experience really like?
The early days are the best and the worst. At first, everything is new and fun and exciting! You're both putting your best foot forward and aer getting to know the best parts of your SO's personality. You're exploring this new life and each other at this stage. Afer a few months of living together though, you start to find out the person's flaws and weaknesses. You may feel restricted because now you have to consult another person on all of your life decisions (be they big or small). These feelings may even lead to fights. In my case, pretty much all our fights in the early days revolved around one of us making plans for the both of us without consulting the other in advance. Things often get blown out of proportion when emotions are running high. Eventually though (if you're lucky), you learn to adjust and reach a happy medium. This happened to us ~1yr after we got married. We still have the occsional disagreement/fight but nothing like what we used to. Alhamdolillah, we have now learned how to "deal" with each other and it was harder than I had expected it to be.
What were the nature of fights in the beginning ?
Re: What is Pakistani Shadi Experience really like?
The experience depends on whether u live with in laws and their + your hubby's nature
The first two years were the worst for me because MIL and I didn't get along. Hubby and I used to fight every single night.
Re: What is Pakistani Shadi Experience really like?
What were the nature of fights in the beginning ?
It was largely miscommunication and misunderstandings. We would often make plans with friends without letting the other person know or would commit both of us to some event without consulting the other person. The resentment for that would fester till we just had a huge showdown. Other times, one of us might say something about the other's family (innocent comments usually) and the other would misinterpret and get upset. It was almost always little things that got blown out of proportion. Thankfully, my in-laws live on a different continent and were not there to witness it.
Part of it was that we were both used to having our own lives and found it difficult giving up our independence. Another was managing each other's expectations. We both had expectations of each other, but had trouble communicating it. This is something that we still struggle with a little, but inshallah we will get better with time.
Re: What is Pakistani Shadi Experience really like?
Girl: mehndi..........walima......rukhsti...red dress, blue dress...MIL.. MIL .. MIL.. MIL
Boy: loud music...more music...big smile.......Gol roti...nice food on demand.
Re: What is Pakistani Shadi Experience really like?
hahahah
Girl: mehndi..........walima......rukhsti...red dress, blue dress...MIL.. MIL .. MIL.. MIL Boy: loud music...more music...big smile.......Gol roti...nice food on demand.
Re: What is Pakistani Shadi Experience really like?
How did you work out common grounds on following:
Hygine Expectations?
Intimacy Expectations ?
Limitations and Liberties on Social Dialogue, with who etc, ?
Giving up previous independence ?
Since I mentioned common grounds, so I am expecting it works both ways, with the guy and the girl.
Do you just sit down and talk ?....
Re: What is Pakistani Shadi Experience really like?
I'd like to know too!
Re: What is Pakistani Shadi Experience really like?
I'd like to know too!
Re: What is Pakistani Shadi Experience really like?
I guess, I'd like to reply too, since I initiated the thread . . .
Re: What is Pakistani Shadi Experience really like?
so many ppl waiting for a reply...and no show.
anyway judging by the fights - one can assume it was more a case of "trial and error".
Re: What is Pakistani Shadi Experience really like?
you learn a lot in the early days.
you essentially learn from your mistakes.
basically after living with someone 24hours/7 you start to understand their nature and the reasons behind their reactions.
married for a year now, sometimes i laugh at the fights we had in the beginning. fights were silly and full of ego.
now slowly the ego is dropping and we have learnt to listen to what the other has to say before arguing.
Re: What is Pakistani Shadi Experience really like?
How did you work out common grounds on following: Hygine Expectations? Intimacy Expectations ? Limitations and Liberties on Social Dialogue, with who etc, ? Giving up previous independence ?
Since I mentioned common grounds, so I am expecting it works both ways, with the guy and the girl.
Do you just sit down and talk ?....
A lot of it was the two of us sitting down and talking out issues. A lot of it was independence with regards to schedule, etc. and more recently our fights have been over money (we are saving for a house...don't ask. lol)
We didn't really talk about hygiene or intimacy expectations. When you're living together, not everything has to be explicitly communicated. These kind of things just happen and you fall into a routine. I'm not totally sure what you mean by "Limitations and Liberties on Social Dialogue"
@parisbynight, you're absolutely right about the ego. It was often my friends vs. your friends, and my family vs. your family. Alhamdolillah we have now learned to balance our expectations and compromise on a lot of things that previously seemed oh-so-important.
Re: What is Pakistani Shadi Experience really like?
A lot of it was the two of us sitting down and talking out issues. A lot of it was independence with regards to schedule, etc. and more recently our fights have been over money (we are saving for a house...don't ask. lol) We didn't really talk about hygiene or intimacy expectations. When you're living together, not everything has to be explicitly communicated. These kind of things just happen and you fall into a routine. I'm not totally sure what you mean by "Limitations and Liberties on Social Dialogue" @parisbynight, you're absolutely right about the ego. It was often my friends vs. your friends, and my family vs. your family. Alhamdolillah we have now learned to balance our expectations and compromise on a lot of things that previously seemed oh-so-important.
I'm so glad that mash Allah you've balanced it all out.. But how did you? My husband is lazy he doesn't mean bad I'm on the other hand active . even when I'm sick im quickly doing things that'll make him feel happy?
So occasionally I burst because I feel I'm doing alot for his family..and he's not. And I don't want anyone even my family to feel it. A few times I politely pointed it to him because he told me im not doing enough.. I asked him why he does.he told me I've got an established relationship I told him he too needs to develop it since we're married.
I've literally packed suitcases for my mother in law while she had tea while I had horrible period pain. I remember later I cried so much not because of packing but the pain was so horrible I couldn't stand. But my mil never acknowledged. The day the jaithani came she stopped talking to me for some time.. Now alhumdillah it's not as bad now but she's favourite hands down and I'm learning to accept it.
Re: What is Pakistani Shadi Experience really like?
I'm so glad that mash Allah you've balanced it all out.. But how did you? My husband is lazy he doesn't mean bad I'm on the other hand active . even when I'm sick im quickly doing things that'll make him feel happy? So occasionally I burst because I feel I'm doing alot for his family..and he's not. And I don't want anyone even my family to feel it. A few times I politely pointed it to him because he told me im not doing enough.. I asked him why he does.he told me I've got an established relationship I told him he too needs to develop it since we're married. I've literally packed suitcases for my mother in law while she had tea while I had horrible period pain. I remember later I cried so much not because of packing but the pain was so horrible I couldn't stand. But my mil never acknowledged. The day the jaithani came she stopped talking to me for some time.. Now alhumdillah it's not as bad now but she's favourite hands down and I'm learning to accept it.
To be honest, I'm still trying to figure it out. But what really helped was one piece of advice that my mother has been giving me since I was little (and I've been ignoring until recently ...whoops). You have to pick your battles and know when to speak your mind vs. when to hold your tongue. I am a bit impulsive and don't have a very good history of guarding my tongue. I've been trying to improve myself in that regard and I've found that to be really good for my relationship.
My advice to you is that if you have any grievances, try to talk to him when he's in a relaxed frame of mind and therefore more willing to listen to your POV. Also, try to frame your words in a way that don't shed a negative light on his parents. I'm sure you would hate it if he said anything negative about your folks. Similarly, he would be less receptive to your problems if he thought you were blaming his family for it (however justified it may be). Try to make it about you. e.g. instead of asking him what he does for you (bad move btw), ask him for help on specific tasks (e.g. cleaning up, packing your MIL's suitcases, etc.). Maybe your husband doesn't know how to behave with a wife. Men learn from their fathers, and if his father is the "typical" desi male, then you have to be the one to teach him how to be a husband. Most of all, be patient and think positive thoughts. It takes everyone time so don't worry. You have the rest of your life IA.
Re: What is Pakistani Shadi Experience really like?
Thankyou people for responding, I almost thought, community has people who have acquainted each other in real lives, and were shy give out any replies.
Thankyou siren, parisbynight and newbee13
It's close enough :)
Re: What is Pakistani Shadi Experience really like?
Girl: mehndi..........walima......rukhsti...red dress, blue dress...MIL.. MIL .. MIL.. MILBoy: loud music...more music...big smile.......Gol roti...nice food on demand.
hahaha sai hai boss :)