What do you suggest i do?

Lifestyle Relationships
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I’m a very sensitive person, im the middle child so im pretty dominated by my elder sister and my younger sister.. i was very close to my mother but now that place has been taken over by my little sister.

my little sister is more mature and very tactful in her ways so she always gets my mother on her side.. im usually take out faults in things but she always laughs at me so now when i dont like somethin i just say it good so that she doesnt make fun of me. its very embarrassing.

I have written earlier as well on this issue..

i feel my family doesnt like my in laws, all time my mother talks about my little sisters in laws and never mine although they have so many similiar things. example:
1 her in laws give her alot of gifts, mine do the same (Except last time her mother in law got gift for my mother which my in laws have never done)

2 my mother in law agreed to bring proposal when he was only 20, same as my sisters in laws

3 my inlaws invite me to their place all the time so i can meet my fiancee and dont mind me coming, this is also the case with her in laws.

but we have our differences too
1 my inlaws are not very social or talkative. they meet nicely and sweetly but not calling or meeting. i know its their fault but my eldest sister in laws are the same way and no one minds that.

2 her mother in law praises too much, like you are so beautiful and love you and you guys make such a beautiful couple etc. she said such stuff the first time she met my sister, on the other hand my in laws are reserve she has always said good things about me to others like im very pretty and very simple and sweet and all but never on my face or my families.

3 once or twice we sent some food to their house and it came back empty, but whenever we send somethin to their house the dish is never empty so i think my family minds that alot. but not much i can do.

now all the time my mother is praising my sisters in laws, never ever mentions anytihng good done by my in laws, except for negative things like do they think low of us because we are not of their standard? do they not like meeting us? what will they feel if we dont give you enough jahaiz? they interpret everything they do negatively.

im not jealous of my sister, because ive been the link between my sister and my mother when it was not official. i helped her so many times but i dont think she helped me enough. but i think i deserve the same now, dont i?
it really hurts me because i feel im behind in everything no matter how much i try.

today we went to an exhibition and i got a suit for my mother in law for her bday. my mother was not at all interested in that.. but when we got back she told me that we should go again and get a suit for my sisters mother in law ( although we just gave her a suit randomly 2 months back)
she never ever mentions buyin anything for my mother in law. my mother takes her mother in law to markets and stuf too.. all the time asking her if she wants to go with us..

please do reply because this stuff happens at a daily routine, i know the fault is at both the ends but why am i being crushed? i know my engagement and hers are both love marriages but i did not choose the parents. im happy that atleast they accepted me and like me for who i am.

i’m so depressed i can hardly talk. because i have so many other issues in ym life and i cant deal with more. not anymore.

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Re: What do you suggest i do?

on th case of your mom being more chummy with the other sis' in laws, it may just be she gets along better with them? you said ureself ure in laws arent the talkative kind... do u know how hard it is to have a one sided convo? how can your mom take ure mil out like she does ure other sis' mil when ure mil doesnt even talk?

as for gift giving, ure other sis' in laws give your family gifts too... ure in laws dont. that makes sense too... sure ure parents could be even more big hearted and give to ure in laws without hoping to get anything back ... but this doesnt last in the logn run.. dil unkay liye kerna chahtha hai jo apke liye karein.

its all adding up.. ure in laws seem to be the not so zinda dil type.. and ure family is and so are the in laws of ure sisters... your in laws send empty dishes back which is kidna rude .. they should just do it for your sake... i think all these small things add up for your mother and that is why she isnt too pleased with your in laws and its natural to just closer to ppl that are more like you, in this case being, ure sisters in laws ...

maybe you can talk to your fiance bout this... like the empty dish or his parents making an effort to calling your parents...

i know my in laws werent in the habit of doing this and it was always my parents calling.. soon they stopped too cuz they found it rude... surely husband noticed and told his parents off.. now they call regularly.. sometimes u just have to give ppl a wake up call :)

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Re: What do you suggest i do?

i do see ur point here but my fiance is only 21 and he doesnt know what to say to his mother. he doesnt earn, we are both studying.
and my sisters MIL doesnt talk to my mom either.. she usually talks to my little sister.

my mother is not at all zinda dil type either shes awefully quiet cause my mother in law has told my mother to come several times but my mother never goes.

just tell me how to make this ok?

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Re: What do you suggest i do?

and before my MIL left for america she called my mother but mom was busy so later my mother called back.. hmm.. my mil are not very traditional sort? how do i feel ok about all this? how do i improve things?
my fiance does alot for my family like coming over to meet them and calling them and bringing gifts. but trust me that doesnt matter either.

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Re: What do you suggest i do?

hey,

i think lots of people gave advice in your last post which was good.

it really sounded like your mother is the one with most of the issues for whatever reason. she should be behaving the same with both sets of in-laws regardless (the same as a parent should be equal with their children) but she is making a distinction and then coming up with minor things to justify it.

i think you need to look at the bigger picture. is your fiance a good man and will he be a good husband? (yes). do your in-laws treat you well and will then continue to do so after marriage? these are the things that matter when it comes down to it.

i know some parents and in-laws are all chummy with each other and always visiting etc - they are the few that hit it off and would have been friends even if their children didn't marry each other. the majority aren't like that and you're the lynch-pin. you will indirectly dictate how much the they mix.

also, once you are married, you can steer your mil to do things in a way that you know your mother will approve of. that way, at least you won't have to hear her complaints but don't fool yourself if you think it will make your mum treat her differently back.

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Re: What do you suggest i do?

thanks alot stoppit, you made me look at things in a more clear way.
mashAllah they are very nice to me although sometimes after my parents attitude i start thinking that maybe they are not very nice to me.

i know one should do the same with all the in laws like my elder sisters in laws, they never meet never come never call, they didnt even give my sister much jewellery or wedding jora, or any present to my family, they sent empty dishes back too but my family completely understood that htye had no father and financial problems. i want my parents to realise the same that everyone is different and nothing makes the other party bad. but whenever i speak about them my mother thinks im being too defensive and taking their side and i'm pro-inlaws and i like their money and say stuff like when ill go to their house ill know how much they love me.

my mother never says such stuff to my little sister, although she never works, im all the time cleaning her mess and all. i feel like such a loser because im always caring and fixing everyones image but why cant someone else do that for me??

i know most people would tihnk im paranoid but i have to live with this 24/7, i cant escape this. i have to hear about others family all the time, and weird questions about my in laws which makes me dislike them. sometimes i want to break off my engagement.

my parents dont realise that how happy they make me. i know how bad in laws are. i am free to do anything i like. my mil even said that we can live seperately when we get married. what more do i want. but its never enough.

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Re: What do you suggest i do?

From all your posts it does sound to me like you are happy with your inlaws and in their company, which is the most important thing.

Your mum does have a point that you don't know how they really are until after marriage but that's the risk everyone takes. You can only go by what you know at the moment.
We all know of cases where the in-laws behave amazingly well before marriage and shower the other family with gifts, only to do a complete 180 afterwards.

In a way, it's probably a more positive sign that they aren't going overboard. And I recall they did help your parents out when they really needed it? Where were your sister's in-laws that time? I'm not looking for an answer, just highlighting that they helped out when real help was needed.

Anyway, as I said before, I think most of the issues that are getting you down are within your own family.
I think you need to grow a bit of a thicker skin. Don't talk to your mum too much about your in-laws. If they do nice stuff for you, there's no need to tell you mum everything. I know it will be hard when she's praising your sister's in-laws - you will want to say 'well they did such and such for me' - you will just have to learn to ignore such stuff.

When your mum asks weird questions, just change the subject.

It just seems like a general lack of care from your mum unfortunately. I mean, why doesn't she make sure your sister does her own stuff? The thing is, it's not going to be this way forever. I'm sure they will realise how much you do after you are gone (even though it will be too late). You just need to look to the future and deal with things one day at a time.

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Re: What do you suggest i do?

yeah im happy with them, i dont generally expect too much from people. they talk to me nicely, they have never interfered in my relationship with my fiancee balke they are always encouraging him to take me out and stuff. whenever the season starts his mother takes me out shopping, she cares for the little things like my shoe size and lawn suit i was looking for. she doesnt call me much and i dont call her either. she never minds that. even when i go over she tells me to not work in the kitchen so i dont. i have a comfortable relationship with her.

yes i know that people change after the marriage but currently i dont hold alot of expectations, they have never been out of this world with me, they are reasonably good with me and im the same way with them. im not a very optimistic person so i dont have high hopes. which is sad because i want to be happy and enjoy life. but issues always come in the way.

the fact that my inlaws helped doesnt even matter cause my parents never mentioned it, but our FIR was cut because of them and my FIL said that if our car was insured he'd get us a new one since he had contacts but no one ever thought of that. everyone only seems to notice that they dont meet us alot. to be honest they dont meet anyone much except one family friends who they know since 15 years and a few relatives..

help me grow a thicker skin cause i just can't seem to not care, i can act like im all okay but i know inside that im just dying. i cant share it with my fiance cause its useless, he just tells me that my family really loves u and they have always been like this, he tries to make both the parties talk but he told me that he feels weird directly telling his mother to cal my mother as he is not earning.

you are so right, i really do feel like saying that they did this and this for me too but i dont. in the start of my relationship me and my mom had an accident, my in laws took me to a doctor while they didnt even know me, got my full x ray and everything..
then they took appoinment for my mother and sent their car and my little brother in law to go with me. because at that time my dad had too much office work and my relatives just disappeared but you know what my parents dont even remember that.

my mom knows that my little sister doesnt work, but she just tells me that she'll start when responsibility hits her but atleast i shud stay responsible. what the hell? she can slack off cause shes the youngest.

its my honest advice to all parents that treat your middle child well, cause middle children are not loved or cared for. they just seek approval every where. i really pray my mom realises all this stuff im going through due to the engagement. its very tough on me. im losing weight and having headaches.
i really appreciate your replies, its keeping me sane.

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ur thinking of breaking it cause of all the bad stuff u hear despite the fact that u r satisfied with them urself..

ur jsut like me and ur mom is just like my mom..

do what ur heart tells u..dont listen to anyone else

everyone is different..some ppl r very social and some r not..its not a big deal

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Re: What do you suggest i do?

thanks alot soni27.
i cant make my mother and sister understand this..

all this has effected me so much that i hardly talk to my sister or my mom.. im usually sitting quietly, and they go in room and talk. sometimes i even hear my name and i have an idea what theyre talking about but i try to block my ears because i dont really want to hear it...
my sister talks abt her in laws all the time. even my mother praises her fiance alot more than mine although they are not formally engaged.
she cooks for me him and tells him to come inside, never tells mine anything although mine is much sweter.
my khala met both and loved my one alot, did not say anything about the other one.
why cant my mom see this too?? why is she so blinded?

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I feel that everyone has given you very nice suggestions so I won't write much. I just want to share something on above. When I got married the above problem was something I faced. I always used to get empty plates & containers. I didn't mind it but they thought that I was stupid to return them their plate / container with some food. They didn't think of it as necessary. Sometimes I never even got my bartan back lol ! esp the SIL said it on my face "bhai humaray haan aisa nahi hota !!! tumsey hi suna hai kay bartan khali nahi bhejna chahye " so every family has it's own values & traditions. Don't worry about it too much ! if they inlaws are nice otherwise then this one is not even an issue. when you will go there insha allah you will set a trend of returning dishes with food :)

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Do you have a good understanding with ur elder sister? can you talk to her about this..i think this might help a lot! do share if u talk to her.. i really want to help you, coz sometimes i feel d same.

Like someone else said before, ur sisters inlaws are going overboard.... i think that could b fake, time will tell.. And if ur sister is so happy about everything, its good for her but very rude to behave like this, its getting to her head. She needs to be carefull she's young and does not understand. When things are TOOO good with inlaws they can change drastically with only 1 mistake... on the other hand if u have a normal stable relation... things dont go wrong that easily..
I think ur in a way better position with ur inlaws, they might not b OTT but they are stable... and stable is good... im pretty sure ur sister will find out soon the downsides. I think same goes for your mother, im sorry!!!

dont mind me asking but:
how did ur parents take it when they go to know abt u and ur fiancee?? and how did they take it when d same happened with ur younger sister? how did they find out of both?
(how young is she??? if ur only 20/21?)
also important: is ur elder sisters marriage also love?

other factors may be: financial status of both inlaws and their background....where they originally come from in pakistan...what kind of families both are? conservative vs modern..

when are u getting married?

im feeling so forry for you and feel like hugging you sweety!!!

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I think you are being a lil over sensitive, its not really a big deal at this stage… honest! Wait untill you’re both married and then you can compare you’re inlaws properly, although I doubt it will even matter that much. Until then, let it be, dont make it into MIL competition that has to be judged and approved by your mother, otherwise the only one who will get hurt is you.

If your mum not doing much tareef bugs you so much, then do it yourself, in front of everyone, and that too unashamedly!!! If she criticises them, sing thier praises, because if that is how you truly feel..then its all good :k: Dont give up on good inlaws over such pettiness.

its not a compeititon.

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Re: What do you suggest i do?

thanks alot for the replies..
dulhan to be:
yes ive discussed it with my elder sister several times and she understands as her in laws were similiar but since she was a in hostel she never had to experiance anything more over i always made my mother feel everything is okay with her in laws. but my little sister specially points out such things in my in laws. my elder sister cant do much except talking to my mother about it. she has done this talk 2-3 times before and my mom usually get pissed at me for talkin to her and turning her against my little sister.

my proposal came in last may however my little sisters came in november. i dont like the timing because she clearly stole my thunder. my parents were very happy with my in laws before her proposal came.
when my proposal came my little sister seemed very happy and excited about everything, however when her proposal came i was very happy but i had my exams and had a few fights with my family because at that time my MIL invited my elder sister for tea and my mother refused to go so only me and my sister went.. but when my little sisters in laws invited my mother went. so i didnt like her double standards.

my inlaws are fairly modern they dont believe in alot of traditions. they are not without sleeves sort but they dont stop me from wearing jeans or even without sleeves. my fiancee has put no restrictions on me. my IL's knew about my relationship a yeaar before the rishta and i had met them several times. my elder sister had a love marriage too so they were open to the idea, of course but of concerns. My mother was not aware of my relationship before rishta. but she knew about my lil sisters as he was since 5 years. she is 18 now.

my inlaws are financially very stable MashAllah, my FIL is a CA. they're from lahore.. they adopted a daughter 4 years back and their relatives has issue with that so they meet their relatives less. Mil has only 3 brothers no sisters. her father remarried as wel.

lil sisters in laws are also well off and are from rawalpindi..her MIL has a huge family likr 6 sisters and 2 brothers. they are not very educated and are in the dukan dari business like my father. my father had a very big business but had major losses.

15

hang on a sec

ur in laws are from lahore....so most probably u will be moving to lahore when u get married

and ur lil sis in laws are from rawalpindi.....so she will be moving there

as much as i know about the locations of pakistan, these are the opposite ends of the country yup?

why do u care so much about what ur mum thinks about ur in laws and more about ur lil sis. ask urself, ur happy? u will have a happy marriage? ull be able tio fit in with them?

trust me once ur married theyre are ur resposibility not ur mum or sisters. so everythin will change.

till then just ignore ur mum and sister. if ur happy then their opinions shudnt matter. plus time will surely tell who turned out better

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Re: What do you suggest i do?

hii there agn!

u guys are really young, how on earth did ur parents take ur sisters relation serious.... beats me..
There must be something which ur mother likes abt ur sisters MIL, mayb theyre on d same level???caracter n education wise of the family....
To me it seems like ur inlaws are more developed than hers...i dont think u have anything to worrry when ur married but not sure abt ur sisters...
anyway advice for now: mayb u dont need to ask ur sister to talk to ur mom, but she can surely be your friend in this. That already might make u feel better and still b carefull inlaws allways remain inlaws in most cases :) Its great that u have a good relationw ith them and still no expectations..
In pakistan or out of pakistan people allways use it agnst u if u start a relation on a such young age, which is the case with ur sister... ur saying she was 13 when she started 'dating'... to me that sounds ridiculous.

are u both gettign married around the same time??

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Re: What do you suggest i do?

Red ruby: well they're around 400 km apart not so much, but they are from lahore but live in islamabad.. while my sisters in laws live like 10 minutes away from my place.

i know time wil tell but when my mother and sister talk abt her in laws it makes me feel very negatively. i think everyone likes to be appreciated no? specially approval from family is very important, to me they matter alot. i just dont feel a part of my family..
lately ive been wondering about a few things.. the attitude of my mother towards her in laws is different maybe thats why they are meeting us more..
in the start of my rishta there was only tiny misunderstanding between my mother and my MIL maybe thats why my mom doesnt like meeting them.. its all too confusing but to be honest i believe a mother should treat all her daughters in laws the same. regardles of how they are.

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Re: What do you suggest i do?

dulhan2be: well i think im the right age my elder sister got engaged when she was 19, and married at 21.. but yes i agree that my lil sister is awfully young but my mother is ok with it and i always support her because i never want to sound jealous. once her bf called me and told me that my lil sister is forcing me to invite her to a wedding but his mother has a problem with that, but still on her face she was soooooo nice to her that no one could tell. i never told this because i know everyone will think i lied. no one will believe me. maybe her MIL really does like her now but i know before that she had abit of issues but now calls her daughter. i never want anything bad for her because i love her alot thats why im so hurt by her attitude. when somethin bad happens to her i forget all my grudges but when im sad she smiles.. she is very proud of her in laws and looks ( her inlaws are very fair with light hair)

i didnt understand the advice please explain it in a little more detail?? should i tell her not to discuss my in laws with my mother? ive told her that i know she has been filling my moms ears but she told me that she doesnt have so much interest in my life but my mom told me that she said some stuff and never to tell her.. so theres too much politics.

yea i m happy with them, they are not crazy about me but thats how it is right??
its just hurting to hear wat my mom has to say about them.. my elder BIL is moving to america as he is a national so they got a house there.. i told my mother and showed pictures.. my mom didnt appreciate it but got worried that one day they might disappear and leave me alone. such negativity makes me fight with my fiancee.

my mother praises my little sisters looks alot, although in looks we are very much alike, i wouldnt say im better but i think we are similiar except she has more addaein and im simple that way. i dont know how to do those things.. but my mom always calls her beautiful and no comments on me.

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hey there!

i ment ur elder sis... u dont need to ask her to talk to ur mom sinc eur mom doesnt like this. she can atleast listen to what u have to say so u can share it with her.This way u wont be down all d time :)
what about you dad? is he aware of all of this...

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Re: What do you suggest i do?

well ive told her that , but she gets angry that why my mother is behaving like this, and talks. last time i talked to her i told her not to talk and she has not yet talked..

my dad is never home, since our business failed he has been busy with office work.
in the start he never really complained but felt bad why they didnt meet much regardless of my dads efforts. he called my FIL 2-3 times but then stopped calling. my mother told him that they are not social so he got ok with it and never said anything.. although my fiance calls him and meets him so he is happy but whenever my fiance calls him my mom tells my dad that i told him to call.. i wonder why.