What Advice would you give?

[SweetLady]

Re: What Advice would you give?

@skhan

It’s one thing that the parents are adamant about importing from Pakistan, it’s understandable because that’s what they’re used to and that’s what they feel comfortable with. What amazes me is how girls like your friend love to play the martyr and be the achi bachi and go along with ammi abu’s grand plans. Then these same girls will be online here on GS a year later crying about how miserable their life is. It’s as if they’re doing God a huge favor by knowingly entering a marriage they don’t feel good about, and then continue to raise children in a miserable environment. Is this supposed to a commendable act? Oh and I don’t buy the whole I’m just doing this for my parents’ happiness crap. They do this so that they are absolved of any responsibility or they have no clue how to go about choosing a life partner so lets just leave it to the elders. That’s the easy way out.

You can’t have it both ways, either make a stand, use your God given rights to choose a life for yourself or suck it up and go with it.

You’re a good friend and you’ve done all you can, its up to her to take control of her life. After all, if one is not willing to help themselves then I wouldn’t lose much sleep over it.

True, but in this case, the father is a kind of dominant person with his opinion, don’t get me wrong, he is a good father for his daughters. But his word is the last word at home …

@Mirch

Since she got her education in Europe and she is highly educated and working woman and she has a divorced sister she should know already how to deal with this situation . If she does not know how to counter arguments of her parents and want to be a sacrificial goat in return for what her parents did for her as a parental obligation and parental duty then she still have that paindoo mentally and she would be a good match for a paindoo. I guarantee u that if she gets married to a paindoo then it will b a successful wedding. You have nothing to worry about.

lol mirch :p… i dunno if a paindu would be a good match for her, but i can see where ur coming from. It is difficult for me to see such a beautiful young women ruin her life …

@Peony

Well, it sounds like they have more trust in people from Pakistan than the Pakistani people of UK. A lot of parents who immigrated have an idealic view of their country and think that kids (except theirs’) who grew up in the West are disrespectful and terrible & therefore want to import a son-in-law from Pak. I would hope that just because they had a rotten apple for the first son in law, it wouldn’t be the same with the second. And I guess that is what they are assuming… that just because they had one bad experience of a bad son in law, it won’t happen again. Like how can any one person’s luck be so bad, right?

But I agree with you that men born & raised in Pakistan may be culturally very different and have different values than girls who were born & raised in Western countries.

Just like they are giving the benefit of the doubt that one rotten apple doesn’t mean the whole nation is full of jerks, they should do the same in this case. Just cause they know of a couple of examples where marriage to a guy based in UK didn’t work out, it doesn’t mean that every guy in UK is a jerk.

But honestly, if people are not willing to see beyond their own belief systems, there is nothing that others can do to change their minds.

It is an awfully tough place for your friend to be in and my heart goes out to her. Many girls have been in her place, forced to go back to Pak and forced into marriage with a guy…some of them have had awful experiences, while others haven’t. I personally know of 2 awful experiences but I’m also hoping that there are others who ended up with a decent guy.

The best that your friend can do is help her parents come up with a game plan to determine a person’s character before she has to make any commitment to the guy. She can be honest with them (not sure how open they will be to hear her tell them her fears). She can say that she has her concerns but as a dutiful daughter she will go through with the plan if they will at least take steps to ensure that he is a guy of good character who will not use and/or abuse her, someone who will not take advantage of her but will honor her and take his role as husband seriously for the sake of Allah (if nothing else).

Ameen! And u have explained it soo correctly… but the thing with her parents is, that they are sticking with the PK grooms i mean seriously open up ur eyes! They have a view like all the marriages between uk boys n girls are doomed! that’s so not true
i do know a lot of happily married people with one side imported and the other local (UK)

and there is even a higher number of happily married couples with boys/girls of the same country… there is no language barrier, the same way of thinking and mostly the level of understanding between these couples is higher than the imported ones (in my opinion, not trying to hurt anyones feelings)

Anyway thanks for ur feedback guppies :)…

Like mentioned, i convinces my parents to talk with hers..
this is the outcome:

Her mother said that relationships r like a gamble so there will always be a risk involved.. when my mom asked her if she would let her daughter suffer from the same hell as her elder daughter or like my sister, she was quiet. She did said things like yeah we will do a proper background check etc etc…

At the end of the convo, mom succeeded to explain her that now a days there is no such thing as a guaranteed succes in marriages with imported grooms/brided or the UK ones… lkin the father was again like "i don’t know how YOU guys did ur background check of ur daughters ex husband.. but we do it like this this this… my dad got a bit angree and made him sing 10 tones lower by saying that atleast his daugther got saved from a hell cuz of the background check he did and that things have opened his eyes more, and that he as a father should open his eyes to…

i think i have done what i could if the parents still want to continue with this kind of crap they should

The elder sister of my friend told her parents to re-think about importing grooms… but okay, let’s see what they will decide
I just tried to open their eyes with the actual happening stuff… lkin agar koi jaan boojh kar apni aankhain band rakey, us meyn ab main bhi kya kar sakti hoon…

Just hoping and praying that may Allah bless everyone with a rightous spouse, who will complete his/her life at every step/point of life

Ameen