Well Meaning Advice.... or NOT.

Lifestyle Relationships
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The latest thread of Nadz got me thinking about the advice people seek and from whom and how much is followed. How much onus of responsibility does one bear when giving advice?

I know some would say that the onus of responsibility is completely on the listener who acts on it or not, but consider if you, the one giving advice, are very gifted at convincing people? Is not then, or even otherwise, most of the onus on you to watch what you say and consider long term advantage or disadvantage?

What I really want to consider is how much weight does your conscience bear to know that your deductions, perhaps incorrect ones, have led to a bad situation?. And perhaps advice has a cumulative effect. Repeatedly told, over and over, factoring in that people will hear what they want to as well or be inclined to that end, one can effectively deduce how a person will process certain information given their mindset.

And when considering huge repercussions like negative effects on marriage, especially when children are involved, young innocent pure souls, little people… is it not our responsibility to enforce the positive and always always always bring to light the positive things in any situation so that the person in that situation, who is always emotional at the moment, can find some solace and strength in a positive way towards a POSITIVE end?

In short, isn’t is our duty as good human beings to highlight the positive and encourage others to see it too in all advice?

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Re: Well Meaning Advice.... or NOT.

An individual could be smart and wise; but a mob is always dumb. So no matter what the mob says, it is up to the individual to hash out what is right/wrong.

That said, a lot of advice given in that thread has surprised me. But then I don't know what the history is behind that poster and others. I wonder how many would give the same advice to someone in real life.

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Re: Well Meaning Advice.... or NOT.

I guess I am directing more at the individuals in the mob. If it is incumbent on each of them to give advice which should be positive and positive only maybe. Because it seems things are spiraling towards negativity too much now as far as nadz alone is concerned. If God not willing, divorce happens, if there is anyone who said anything at any point in time towards that end, "It's better to get a divorce" or along that vein, how the advice giver would feel. To avoid that perhaps. I don't know. Just got me thinking about advice and how perhaps it is important to highlight only positives especially in advising married people with children?

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I say its a retarded idea to seek advice on line when nobody knows the exact situation can not see the whole picture. Unless you know more than 1 view point you can't give proper advice.

That is why I don't bother giving serious advice because its only half the picture. Full of bias and written in frustration and not with a view to seek a solution.

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Re: Well Meaning Advice.... or NOT.

Personally, I don't feel comfortable giving advice on personal matters as we do not know the situation in its entirety. When someone recounts an incident, they are recounting it from their viewpoint and this may be influenced by a variety of things that we are not aware of. It is quite possible that their view is quite skewed and not an accurate reflection of the situation. Consequently, the advice we give may be inappropriate for the actual situation and may actually aggravate the situation.

I also think that one should never ever give anyone any sort of advice in regards to family politics/dynamics as that is one area that people are never objective about, making giving proper advice impossible.

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I agree with Zafra. That was the point I was making about giving the same advice in real life.

Personally I don't think separation is wrong in all situations. Although it is undesirable in islam, it is a rahmat from Allah in situations where one is truly abused and victimized.

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Re: Well Meaning Advice.... or NOT.

Being in certain situations myself, i can honestly say that there is a value to self respect. When I broke off my parents (abusive physically emotionally for yaers, my brother and sister stopped speaking to them at points and went off to marry do their own things), I knew I would not have their finances, their support, won't have Muslim friends coming to my weddings etc. That's besides the point. I earned my self respect and learned that nothing in this world is given. The sooner you come to this realization the less you lose, the less your children lose. Its the truth

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What does this have to do with OP's question about the responsibility that comes with doling out advice???

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Some people are simply just gone bonkers, they need psychiatrists rather than GS. They dont even need advice because thats how life is. and if one expects life to be all rosy and cosy then they been watching too many Bollywood. :smilestar:

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Re: Well Meaning Advice.... or NOT.

I'd say that I'm only responsible for giving the best advice I can based on what information was provided to me by the party that is asking. If it does have unintended results because of information I didn't have access to when offering the advice, that would not be my responsibility.

Then again, if someone is asking for advice here, they should be aware that people might not have the whole picture and may not even be qualified to give them advice.

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Re: Well Meaning Advice.... or NOT.

I want to extend my question to advice in real life too. People do tend to seek advice from all close to them and sometimes otherwise too. Siblings ask advice, parents, children, friends, students, colleagues. Advice in all forms, but specially personal advice. Sometimes you cannot avoid personal advice if say a younger sibling asks. Even husbands and wives ask advice from one another regarding issues related to them directly and otherwise related to other people.

My thought process regarding advice concerns all advice and the general question summarising it all: Are we not better off as a whole community of human beings, on the basis of humanity even, to provide positive advice and try to turn the advice seeker towards positive tones rather than analysing and being negative? Is sowing hope and working towards a positive end better? Does not hope lead to positive effort, and does not positive effort lead to chances of betterment? As opposed to negative vibes which often lead to no effort made towards the positive and hence no positive outcome comes in general?

I hope that by this thread I achieve the end that we all think a bit more deeply and responsibly than we already do when asked for advice and when giving it.

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Re: Well Meaning Advice.... or NOT.

One thing the online world has taught me is that some people out there truly have no other outlet, no other support system from whom to seek assistance and advice. We shouldn't judge those people for seeking out a platform where they can vent and seek other opinions. Added to which, even seeking advice in "real life" from people within our social network doesn't always have 1) the benefit fo the full information given to the person who is being asked for advice and 2) unbiased.

In real life, how many times has someone sought advice and only shared that information that showed them as a victim. Even our closest family and friends are not always privy to personal information unless we share it with them. And as far as bias - advice givers provide advice through the lens of their own experience and sometimes tainted by their pre-conceived notions about people (the "victim" or the "transgressor").

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In general, I agree with you that we should point out the positives when someone is in distress about the relationship, ESPECIALLY when kids are involved. But I am sure you would also agree that it may not be the best kind of solution every time.

Positive advice can often invalidate real feelings and issues that people are actually facing. Any attempt at shoving issues or feelings under the rug, in my opinion, does not bode well. Resentments build. And then, we might think something is a good solution for someone, but not realize just how much it tears them apart and costs them their mental health - which in turn might make them worse parents.

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Re: Well Meaning Advice… or NOT.

Btw, I forgot to ask Above.

The People who give useful(ish) / Usless advice, Where do they muster their energy to write so much. I mean Do they have special typists doing their typing ?

If you do want to give advice, give something which is real, realistic, comprehend-able, which does not cause further troubles, make a husband go against his mother, make a wife go against his husband, make a bahu treat her MiL treat as if shes garbage, make the damsel in distress as if shes the queen of the world and she cant do nothing wrong..

and stop watching Bollywood and stop interpreting which isnt real to those who dont even know what real means. Life is about Tasks and tests.. so get over yourselves and stop nagging, whining and your winging like their aint no tomorrow…and snap out of it.

On the flip side, its been read i’ve read in some of these threads that some girls watch desi dramas to help them learn to deal with family drama… How bloody tapped do you need to be to dictate fake to reality ..In fact THAT IS THE CRUX OF THE PROBLEM. they think such dramas are helpful when in reality it is the cause of their unrealistic perceptions. So Stop this NONE SENSE!

It is also just so sad that people, who are old enough to be getting married, must “learn” or be taught how to behave and treat others, and there are those who think that girls from Pakistan make better wives because they grow up watching such dramas and thus have “practice” at dealing with in laws. SO how do YOU not realise that basing your behaviour and reactions to things on DRAMAS that are purely entertainment are the reason behind most of their issues in real life?

The only Conclusion to this.. they aren’t as “westernised” as they fancy themselves to be..but instead they just backward mentality to give such advice.

Peace Out and have some :chai:

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I haven't read the entire thread, but I was surprised to read comments like "she doesn't deserve to be married." To me, that's really insensitive and judgmental. If, by your logic, we should be hopeful and positive in most situations, then that should also apply to comments like these. Just my two cents.

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Ive posted multiple issues I have had myself. For me, I don't like to tell people I know (in the actual world) my issues. I'm a bit of a private person, I would rather anonomusly share my issues just to get it off my chest, and see other's point of view. I would encourage anyone taking advise out of these forums to take it with a grain of salt.

  1. Anyone giving bad advise, is not going to feel bad about it. If they did they wouldnt give it. I also feel like, somepeople are losers, and they enjoy giving others bad advise so that those people can messup as well. And usually in your heart, you know what you should do, and before you take any advice, you should consider the good and bad. For why people write 4 page responses, obviously they have time, and they want to do it. I can't think of someone that has a deadline or a test in a few days wasting their time with other's problems.
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This. While many posters are sensationalist and obviously biased, others try to be more objective. I've seen threads on Reddit where people have earnestly tried to give an objective account, and in turn, have received advice which they've later acknowledged as having helped tremendously. The internet, if used with proper judgment, can be a great help with personal issues. The difference is the tone of the OP. Life1 has a combination of earnest threads mixed with obviously inflammatory, venting threads. OPs are often not looking for advice.

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I don't think it's malice so much as lack of empathy and compassion.

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no one can be blamed for poor advice. maybe they don't think they are giving bad advice, maybe that's how some people think. there is a saying in urdu: jitnay moun, utni baatein*.* so if you're going to ask advice from thousands of random people online, this is what you will get. also, it doesn't make much sense to expect others to give you good advice when they only hear a one-sided story.

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Or simple clowning around.