Okay, I know this is a completely silly question. Because I already know that from an Islamic point of view, if you have given some jewelry or presents to your wife, you don’t have any rights over it. You cannot take it back if you leave her. Or you cannot demand all or part of it for whatever reason later on.
BUT, culturally I know some people make a huge issue out of it. Just last night I was reading someone’s thread and she sounded furious that her bhabhi had ‘stolen’ the bari jewelry and taken it to her parents’ place. Honestly, how can you call it stealing if the jewelry already belongs to her? Hadn’t it already been given to her and shouldn’t she be free to decide how to dispose of it?
And I don’t know how things stand now, but a decade or so ago in our gaon, they would make some gold jewelry for the eldest bahu. Then each time a son gets married, they take it from whichever bahu has it at that time and pass it on to the next. In the end, the youngest one gets to keep it all:D Unless they take it from her to give to a daughter.
So I was wondering how normal is the expectation that the wedding jewelry should be kept with the in laws, or that once a divorce happens they can take it back? what does the law say about it?
Sara, I wasn't referring to divorce scenarios only. Even in a 'normal' marriage, a lot of mothers in law insist that the jewelry should be given to them for safekeeping or whatever(not my case!). Lakin I have seen that happen. And some people mind it very much that the bride decided to keep it with her or her family. The point is, if you have already gifted it to someone and it's their property, then do you have any right to complain about how they treat it?
About what you said, if god forbid someone divorces you and you decide to return the jewelry, that's your choice. In fact, it should be for you to decide whether you want to keep it or not, not them. Wonder if that made any sense to you:)
I agree with you completely. It annoys me when in-laws make a big deal about it and it just looks tacky, tbh. I mean, you gave it as a gift, why do you care what happens with it? I plan on keeping mine, whenever I get married, at the bank's safe and as far as divorce is concerned, God forbid, I dont think I'd return the jewelry. I'd just pawn it to pay for the divorce. =_=
I'm not sure. But if my in-laws wanted to take the jewellery they gave to me, then I would probably give it to them because I don't really care too much about that sort of stuff.
In a divorce type situation (iA that will never happen), I would give the jewellery back voluntarily because it's not like I need it to live off.
This whole "Yes we're giving you all this jewelry b/c you're the bahu...BUT we want to "hold onto it" doesn't make any sense to me. I know my mom kept ALL her jewelry (well, dad put it in the safety deposit box of course). My cousins/close female friends also keep ALL their own stuff. The idea that the "bahu" is not capable of keeping her jewelry but she's ready to be a wife/mother is ridiculous.
I keep ALL gifts that are given to me by in future in-laws (jewelry included). Heck I keep ALL jewelry/valuables that belong to me period. If something I have needs to be kept in a "safe" place....it goes into a safety deposit box in a bank....it doesn't go even to my own parents (certainly won't go to my in-laws).
If I were ever to break up my engagement or get divorced after marriage.....whether or not I return all the jewelry (including the engagement ring) depends on WHY the relationship ended. If it was a mutual/amicable separation, then yes, I'd give it back. If we break up b/c of something HE did to lose my love/respect.....then no, I will not return anything. I'd rather sell it all and donate the money (its not like I'd keep it for the "memories"!).
Whether it's for "safe keeping" or even after divorce....I don't get how people have the expectation that GIFTS be returned. If a woman returns it....that's fine and upto her. But its the EXPECTATION from the "gift givers" that I don't understand.
Sara, I wasn't referring to divorce scenarios only. Even in a 'normal' marriage, a lot of mothers in law insist that the jewelry should be given to them for safekeeping or whatever(not my case!). Lakin I have seen that happen. And some people mind it very much that the bride decided to keep it with her or her family. The point is, if you have already gifted it to someone and it's their property, then do you have any right to complain about how they treat it?
About what you said, if god forbid someone divorces you and you decide to return the jewelry, that's your choice. In fact, it should be for you to decide whether you want to keep it or not, not them. Wonder if that made any sense to you:)
Ohh okay. I assumed that you were talking about divorce in the above scenario.... well in the other scenario, I agree with you.. if the bride is keeping it safe in her own home/locker, it shouldn't be an issue. Neither my MIL made me give her my jewelry nor did my mom make her bahu give her the jewelry (though in the latter case, she would leave it lying around, rings and earrings would be on the floor or within reach of her babies)..
Personally, I think the jewelry thing is more of an issue of trust and way to set a precedent in the marriage...as to who may have the upper hand, than about teh jewelry itself..but thats just my take on it.
This whole "Yes we're giving you all this jewelry b/c you're the bahu...BUT we want to "hold onto it" doesn't make any sense to me. I know my mom kept ALL her jewelry (well, dad put it in the safety deposit box of course). My cousins/close female friends also keep ALL their own stuff. The idea that the "bahu" is not capable of keeping her jewelry but she's ready to be a wife/mother is ridiculous.
I keep ALL gifts that are given to me by in future in-laws (jewelry included). Heck I keep ALL jewelry/valuables that belong to me period. If something I have needs to be kept in a "safe" place....it goes into a safety deposit box in a bank....it doesn't go even to my own parents (certainly won't go to my in-laws).
If I were ever to break up my engagement or get divorced after marriage.....whether or not I return all the jewelry (including the engagement ring) depends on WHY the relationship ended. If it was a mutual/amicable separation, then yes, I'd give it back. If we break up b/c of something HE did to lose my love/respect.....then no, I will not return anything. I'd rather sell it all and donate the money (its not like I'd keep it for the "memories"!).
Whether it's for "safe keeping" or even after divorce....I don't get how people have the expectation that GIFTS be returned. If a woman returns it....that's fine and upto her. But its the EXPECTATION from the "gift givers" that I don't understand.
Personally, I think the jewelry thing is more of an issue of trust and way to set a precedent in the marriage...as to who may have the upper hand, than about teh jewelry itself..but thats just my take on it.
A cousin of mine divorced and kept the jewelery. Said it was HER'S. As to whether the in-laws should have your jewelery for "safe keeping", I call BS! What are the in-laws? A bank?
Ohh okay. I assumed that you were talking about divorce in the above scenario.... well in the other scenario, I agree with you.. if the bride is keeping it safe in her own home/locker, it shouldn't be an issue. Neither my MIL made me give her my jewelry nor did my mom make her bahu give her the jewelry (though in the latter case, she would leave it lying around, rings and earrings would be on the floor or within reach of her babies)..
Personally, I think the jewelry thing is more of an issue of trust and way to set a precedent in the marriage...as to who may have the upper hand, than about teh jewelry itself..but thats just my take on it.
I would keep ALL the jewelry that I was gifted !!! period !!! If it was specially gifted to me , I dont see why it should go back to them !!
If the jewelry was loaned to me for the occasion then its a different matter. Maybe my MIL wants me to wear some of her khandaani stuff for the wedding for any other family event. I can't take the as mine and take it with me.
In case I got divorced... depending on of the number of years I was with the guy i would decide whether or not to give the jewelry back. If its a marriage that ended in like 2-3 years yes I would return it ( with a very very veryyy heavy heart ) but if I have been divorced after like 10-15 yrs with kids in the picture specially daughters. NO WAY !!!!
OP,you need to go back and read that thread again :) the bhabi took all the jewellery,both sides, her AND her husband;s and hers axsalaami money WITHOUT telling her husband or anyone and stayed quiet until a month when she kept wearing nothing or artificial jewellery for family dinners and when asked about the gold one, she lied for 5 days that it is in the room and later told she left it all with her dad because he thought things were not safe at her ILs home :halo" as if she was safe there and jewellery mattered more to him!she left home for minors complaints in 6 weeks of marriage and now when it is exactly 4 months since the wedding, they have filed a case in the court against the ILs claiming money in lacs,all the bari and what not with khula. Accirding to the ILs lawyer, it seems a case of 'halaala' where a divorced girls needs to get a divorce from a different man so she can go back to her husband ! So in this case, when the sole intention seems to get married into another family, steal (yes, STEAL) all the money and jewellery and go back and claim the bari and everything on top of more money as a fine,when the intention is NOT to continue marriage from day one, NO , jewellery doesnt belong to the girl at all.
I know your point is valid but that doesnt apply to the scenario you mentioned in your post ! I just wanted to make clear so that people can think beyond the usual practice of blaming ILs
OP,you need to go back and read that thread again :) the bhabi took all the jewellery,both sides, her AND her husband;s and hers axsalaami money WITHOUT telling her husband or anyone and stayed quiet until a month when she kept wearing nothing or artificial jewellery for family dinners and when asked about the gold one, she lied for 5 days that it is in the room and later told she left it all with her dad because he thought things were not safe at her ILs home :halo" as if she was safe there and jewellery mattered more to him!she left home for minors complaints in 6 weeks of marriage and now when it is exactly 4 months since the wedding, they have filed a case in the court against the ILs claiming money in lacs,all the bari and what not with khula. Accirding to the ILs lawyer, it seems a case of 'halaala' where a divorced girls needs to get a divorce from a different man so she can go back to her husband ! So in this case, when the sole intention seems to get married into another family, steal (yes, STEAL) all the money and jewellery and go back and claim the bari and everything on top of more money as a fine,when the intention is NOT to continue marriage from day one, NO , jewellery doesnt belong to the girl at all.
I know your point is valid but that doesnt apply to the scenario you mentioned in your post ! I just wanted to make clear so that people can think beyond the usual practice of blaming ILs
well, in london back home i had it all with me. but im a bit careless, in factn i have suits worth hundreds pounds, and the gold jewelrry, and i dnt care for them as i should....suits are all over the place, stuffed into suitcases if not wearing them...etc, im actually just careless. i did want to put it in a bank because of this, but now in pak, i dnt trust banks here or anything else for that matter. my small bits of gold are locked in my room, but the draw isnt big enough for the wedding gold, which was massive, so theres a cupboard in our house with everyones gold stored in it ( well my mils and mine) and other stuff , and its locked there.
my small bits of gold are locked in my room, but the draw isnt big enough for the wedding gold, which was massive, so theres a cupboard in our house with everyones gold stored in it
What?! Sorry, but that's total stupidity. There are A LOT of armed robberies in Pakistan and you guys are basically sitting ducks. Get that gold to the bank ASAP! And don't worry, banks don't steal your things; Pak isn't as lawless as you Britishers think it is :p