Back in the day…waaaay back…when a desi marriage celebration took place, the gifts received were actually “recorded”. As in written down in almost a ledger format. Yes…you gave your cash and someone sat there writing the amount down for future reference. Sometimes this happened later, like the next day or something but the amounts were recorded.
Anyone familiar with this tradition?
Anyone seen it happen now?
Anyone know the reasons behind?
I am not sure if it happens in desi culture, but it sure does happen in the Chinese culture. I have many Asian (Chinese) friends and they record how much every one gives. They try to "cover" the wedding costs thru monetary gifts.
IMO, it's really weird to do that. When I get married iA, I wont bother so much on how much each person gave. Every one gives according to the level of closeness to couple and financial status.
Answering your qn, I think it happens so that when Guest XYZ gets married, i will give her equal amount of money, not more not less? Something like that.
^ yes, so you know how much the person gave you and you can reciprocate when their time comes around. we all can say we won't be bothered or we won't care how much one person gives and can afford, etc etc but we all know that in our culture and society it does make a difference and people do remember :).
Still done in my family. Some elderly lady in the wedding party had this job of collecting and recording. The lain dain concept in the extended family goes on for generations and generations (we used to intermarry a lot) so it was a good way to keep an eye on how much to return for the givers next function. It's more impractical if you're going to marry within that particular family just once and never again.
Hmm but I think I haven't seen it myself in ages although my mother made one for my engagement. She just couldn't figure out where an extra 5000 ka note came from.
Happened with my inlaws. After the valima, I moved to my apartment in a different state. My saas insisted that I list all the gifts I got into a notebook and send it to her. She said it was important so she knew how much to reciprocate.
I did it because she kept insisting constantly.
I can’t imagine her about to go to a wedding and opening that notebook to see how much that family gave to her beta and bahu
I don’t understand the need for making that ledger. I just give what I can afford and depends on how close I am to the bride and groom. Everybody’s financial situation is different, so my gift is not going to depend on what I received.
I have seen this a LOT and it is still pretty common here in rural areas in Pakistan. A close family member sits besides the bride/groom and keeps writing the names and amount of salaami given. This record is referred and used when others invite this family at a wedding (even 10 years later lol) and they check how much did they get on their occasion.
AND the funniest part was where the dolled up bhabis (in their snug bridal dresses from 20 years old wedding) stand on a chair on the stage and show ALL gifts (including undergarments for the couple ) pinned on towels high up in the air.
Noting and recording jahaiz/bari is probably done for future ‘political’ fights between families. taanay maarna and stuff like that or Allah forbid in case of divorces.
In our family it isn't done as strictly, no one has a ledger writing things down. But generally it's kept in mind who gave what, so when giving to them in the future it's done accordingly. I don't think ppl do it to be stingy or cheap - rather, so in the future the other person is not offended by the gift/money they get. I mean, how different is it really than sending out thank you notes and keeping that gifting/wedding attendance thing going that's common at white weddings?
I think most people keep a note of or have an idea of what people give them, n it’s easier now as money is given in a card so I don’t think people sit n write down amounts at the actual wedding. Or do they? Maybe in pakistan or the pinds but not here.
Get out of here?! People still do that?
I think it puts so much unfair pressure on everyone.
I've personally never seen it done live - only heard of stories from the olden days.
Yup. It was done when I got married - both times :cb:
My mom records it in a notebook she has. Her reason for doing so is jab koi apke mauqay pe apko day to aap bhi uskay mauqay pe usko do. She says its not nice to just take gifts and never reciprocate or feel the need to. I don’t think its about kisnay kitna diya…its about making sure you remember that kisi ne apko diya tha aur apka farz hai ke aap bhi uske liye kuch karein.
I get that it should never be about giving back what you received.....but people like my ammi used to say that it's not about what was received but the fact that something was received at all.
Whenever we would have a large function like a wedding or an aqeeqa, bismillah, ameen and sometimes even a birthday where there was a significant group of people attending (i.e. generally 100 people or more), Ammi would have a notebook in which she would record the event. The entry would begin with the guest list showing names of adults and children. Then the venue and menu would be recorded and finally, after the event, a column would be added for the gifts received.
Eventually as we kids became adults we began to question the process as some of us found it quite cheesy to actually write down what someone was giving. Ammi explained that the purpose was not to judge the guest by what they gave, but to ensure that we did not fail to reciprocate whether there was an occasion to do so or not.
You see she believed staunchly that she wanted to leave this life having given more than she received from people. She also used to say that there were people invited to the event that were exclusively HER guests and that we, as her kids, were unlikely to ever be given an opportunity to return the favour since they didn't have dependents whose functions we would be invited to. So she felt a need to keep track of such transactions.
It seems nowadays there is no regard for what was received and from whom because people are easily dismissing it saying, "What if we are never in a position to return a gift as significant as the one we received?"
I think that such thinking has a long-term impact on our social structure and atmosphere. What do you think?
I know some people view this as tacky, but at least informally I think it makes some sense. Pakistani culture is based so much on reciprocity. Even if you don't care how much people gave you, those people might actually care when time comes to give it back - and that's really how it's viewed.
And it's not to judge how much people give you. But I know for my upcoming wedding, there will be people coming who will have their own wedding upcoming after mine. I don't ever want to be LESS generous than people have been - obviously within my own means.
For anyone who thinks it's an old desi thing, the majority of my close friends are white and they ABSOLUTELY do it. Oftentimes they factor in MORE than we do. Like they'll say "oh, I have to buy a plane ticket and pay for a hotel to go to her wedding, mine was local, so I'm only going to give $100, they can't expect more."
It honestly doesn't bother me. At least in my family, we think about it so that we can give back to those who have given generously and kindly to us, when we have the ability to do so.
It does!!! These are social etiquette that preserve what our parents and grandparents had…like they used to say…denay se pyar barta hai. And its true. So so true. Its not about how much…its the importance we give our rishtay.
I am actually guilty of being careless about this because up until now my mom took care of everything for us. But it shouldn’t be like that. I should be doing things for myself and have been trying to focus more on this. Time to grow up
^ yes, so you know how much the person gave you and you can reciprocate when their time comes around. we all can say we won't be bothered or we won't care how much one person gives and can afford, etc etc but we all know that in our culture and society it does make a difference and people do remember :).
So those of you that are familiar with the practice/tradition....would you be offended if your parents or MIL/FIL expected that you share with them the details of the gifts that you received (i.e. salami) whether at the function itself or shortly after? (Considering some people were not able to attend the wedding abroad and met you some weeks/months later.)
So those of you that are familiar with the practice/tradition....would you be offended if your parents or MIL/FIL expected that you share with them the details of the gifts that you received (i.e. salami) whether at the function itself or shortly after? (Considering some people were not able to attend the wedding abroad and met you some weeks/months later.)
My MIL did ask me once...because someone from her family gave us something so she specifically asked what that person gave. And I did tell her...I assumed she might be asking for the same reasons my mom always did.
We have sort of a formal relationship...like there's a little bit of respectful distance there if you know what I mean. I honestly don't see her asking me questions like that beyond the one instance. However, if she did...they're gifts and asking is not taking or demanding. I don't think I'd mind.
I don't understand the need for making that ledger. I just give what I can afford and depends on how close I am to the bride and groom. Everybody's financial situation is different, so my gift is not going to depend on what I received.
^ This. I don't understand keeping an written record of it down to the penny. Plus this tradition doesn't take into account people's financial situation. For example, back when my husband was still a resident/fellow, he wasn't making much money and couldn't afford much when attending weddings. But now that he's been working for a few years, things are different. Vice versa....at our wedding, there were couples that were earning $500K+ and then there were couples that has hourly jobs. I can't imagine going to a wedding of a resident who works with my husband or a legal assistant that works at my place and giving a gift based on the amount they gave us at our wedding.
) pinned on towels high up in the air.