I had a question regarding some wedding etiquettes. A friend of mine gave his fiance money to get her Valima dress from Pakistan. They looked around here (U.S.) but she didn’t like anything so the in-laws suggested that she get something of her own choice from Pakistan.
My friend gave her around 1.5 lakhs for the outfit. Anyways, the fiance went to Pakistan and ordered her outfit which costs 600 dollars more. The fiance’s sister called my friend’s mom asking for more money since the amount given wasn’t enough. My friend was quite upset at what his fiance’s sister had done and didn’t think it was appropriate for them to ask for more money. He told his fiance that but she kept implying that she needs the money. Now his fiance’s mother is still in Pakistan and just called my friend yesterday asking for the 600 dollars.
My friend is a bit taken aback at all this. Do you think it was right of them to ask for more money or is my friend justified in feeling this way?
well if the dress does cost 600 more its ok for them to ask first and den other, yet they are over there would want to her to get the best thing, plus things are pretty expensive right now... also if the bride wanted a custom design that she wanted so bad, den it could cost a bit more...
if she doesnt feel right that, they r asking for more money then she should of told them b4, i want to spend 1.5 lakhs max and dont want to go over that budget
^seriously! 1.5 lakhs is a significant amount of money by itself. Calling and asking for more money after buying the dress is rude and presumptuous. She should have either checked with her in laws before buying the dress, or just coughed up the money herself if she was so desperate for it.
Even i dont think she should not have asked for money. Even im allowed to pick my own walima jora. I know wht the budget is and if i saw something a bit more expensive. I would pay the rest of the amount of my own pocket.
U just can't call and say i need more money.. where's the world goin now a days
^ exactly. a friend's sil did that too, specifically after her mil told her mother to supplement the rest herself because their budget was fixed and it was a generous budget to begin with. but no, she ordered a pricier dress and then said nothing to the in laws. when the mil went to pick up the outfit, that's when she was told it was about 50,000 rupees more because the bride had made changes. wth?? so rude.
paying for your bridal is a gift from your inlaws to you- its not an obligation or a requirement. the least you can do is honour their budget!
in regards to your friend's situation, its tough- they're obviously not being very delicate about the whole thing and insisting on asking for the money so he can either pay up and speak to her pretty clearly about his feelings on the whole thing privately after the fact, or he can choose not to pay up but then risk it becoming an even bigger issue between the families.
^agreed, but SGC, if he does pay up, he risks being steamrolled on a lot of planning and budget issues as the wedding planning continues. we always worry for brides that they'll get pushed around by their in-laws, but it seems some girls are catching up and pushing the groom's side around. I think budget and money are important issues. What a person can afford is what they can afford, and they shouldn't be strong-armed into giving more. I think your advice is good, and afterwards, the groom's side should probably keep any decisions they have say in to themselves, without reference to the girls' side.
Oh wow, that is rude. First of all, the sister shouldn't have demanded the money, why couldn't the bride say anything herself?
Secondly, I would be far too embarassed to ask for extra money. And she's making things worse for herself cos that's what her in-laws will remember about her when she finally gets married.
Yeah, though really what should he do now? I feel like he doesn't have a choice. He really has to pay, or he will come off petty and larger issues will pop up.
I was going to suggest he also have a talk with the bride about this, but it may be better just to leave it until after the wedding stress is over.
Wow....I can't believe the girls in the OP's story and SGC's story! What they did is inconsiderate, ungrateful, and rude! 1.5 lakhs is what....approx. $1600. That's not a "cheap" budget for a walima outfit!
My mother told me that my dad's family gave her money to buy the wedding outfit. When she went shopping....she found out that the outfits she really liked was above what she was given. She said she didn't want to ask for extra or even pay out of pocked b/c she didn't want my dad (or his family) to feel upset or offended. So she ended up choosing something within what amount she was given....even though that wasn't her first choice. This "story" came up b/c she was happy that my in-laws didn't give me money for my wedding outfit...lol. She said she didn't get to pick out her "dream outfit" due to receiving a set amount from my dada/dadi. She didn't want me to experience that same emotional struggle. And we're talking about my mother's actual baraat outfit! This spoiled girl can't even compromise with her walima outfit (I imagine the girl got to choose the nikah/baraat outfit herself).
To be totally honest....if I was the MIL and/or the fiance in this case, I would flat out refuse to pay and stick to the budget. Let the girl and her family handle the refusal however they choose. Giving the money shows that girl that being rude and ungrateful pays off! This is an outright disrespect towards the fiance and his parents. Giving the money just lets her know that she can totally disregard his and his family's wishes without any consequences.
The bride's family demanding more money is wrong on so many levels. How would her family feel if the groom demanded a Rolex watch for salaami? A gift is gift - when you ask for something, it becomes a demand.
The groom should talk to his fiancee now and not after the wedding. They need to resolve their issues on expectations and behaviour before the marriage, otherwise it'll fester and could lead to other bigger issues later on.
Yeah, though really what should he do now? I feel like he doesn't have a choice. He really has to pay, or he will come off petty and larger issues will pop up.
Isn't it better that "larger issues" surface now as opposed to after that marriage?
The girl is showing 2 very large aspects of her personality which should be a GREAT concern for the guy if she's going to be his future wife:
1) Disrespect towards him and his family.
2) The fiance (and his family) obviously gave what they believe they can afford. But the girl obviously thinks she can purchase items that cost more and just ask for the money afterwards. The guy should be worried whether or not this type of attitude towards money/spending is going to continue AFTER marriage. If she going to go start spending money AFTER the wedding without any regard for what he(they) can afford or taking his thoughts/opinions into account. Is she going to fight with him as his wife b/c he's not giving her "enough"? Money is one of the MAJOR reasons marriages fall apart these days.
The nikah has not happened yet. This is the time for the guy to have a direct/open talk with the girl and decide whether or not he's REALLY ok with her behavior/attitude towards him, his family, and money. B/C if this type of behavior continues after marriage...he has no one to blame but himself.
My SIL wanted us to pay for her wedding outfit, and demanded 2 grand (i.e. £2000) for it which we didn't wanna pay cos we didn't think the dress was worth it. We originally offered to pay for half cos her and my brother only had one day event instead of a baraat and valima.
Cos we (my sisters and I) didn't have a lot of money to spend, plus we were thinking of venue prices etc etc, we gently tried to ask her to pay for some of it or just go for a less expensive dress.
She flat out refused and went to my brother instead to complain about us, and he had a go at us for being rude to her.
In the end he had to pay for the whole thing, and we just stayed out of it. Tsk.
I don't agree with encouraging the groom to consider breaking off the engagement if she doesn't change etc... girls get crazy when it comes to wedding/wedding dresses... everyones emotions are escalated. It's wrong for her to ask for more money but not something that should break their relationship if this is the only issue they've had.
I completely agree that girls get crazy when it comes to wedding. But that's not an excuse to disrespect the guy and his family. In addition....in OPs case....the girls mother and sister both called to ask for the extra money. I understand the the girl is under stress....but what's the excuse for the sister and mother to encourage this behavior? What message is the girl's own family sending the girl regarding financial responsiblity and respect towards the groom/his family?
Obviously no one wishes a couple to break off an engagement. BUT if 2 people are not compatible with their values/beliefs (and money is BIG issue in a marriage)......then its better they break off an engagement now versus go through a divorce years from now (or worse, continue to live in a miserable marriage b/c they're constantly fighting). This is a red flag for the guy actually have a open conversation with the girl, and find out if they're compatible with their views regarding money, and if she's willing to live within the financial means he can provide.
** And I still think the guy and his family should flat out refuse to pay the extra amount for the walima outfit. If the girl or her family causes a big issue out of this.....then once again, it shows their true nature which is better discovered BEFORE the wedding.
If this story was about a guy's family asking for extra money or other stuff, I doubt most of us would be so understanding.
^ I don't think anyone is being understanding. Most people have objected to the girl's behavior. But I guess we're just disagreeing about what the guy and his family can do next.
I do think the fact that mom and sis have called and demanded money is troubling and telling, but it is not necessarily a reason to call off the wedding.
I agree. But I also think that brides in particular are on their worst behavior as the wedding approaches, due to stresses from themselves and others. Like maybe someone in her family made a comment about the budget and now she's feeling pressured and it's making her act ungratefully, etc. A girl who is otherwise lovely can behave in an immature, stubborn, rude, and ungrateful manner. We all have flaws and I think they come out during the wedding time. And I think everyone else is sensitive and impatient about these things as well. So it's not a good time to instigate more issues.
^ I do not disagree with the above comments.
But the flaw I see is that the guy does not know for a fact that the girl's behavior is happening as a result of a 3rd party making comments/wedding stress.......OR b/c the girl really has a spoiled view towards money. I'm sure all of us have heard about (and probably even know!) wives who constantly fight with their husband regarding money, and even cause the family to go into debt due to their spending habits. I think it would be wise for the guy to make sure that this girl is not one of those women.
I think this is the time for the guy to inquire and know for sure that this rude/spoiled behavior is a result of wedding stress....and will not continue after marriage.
^ Yeah, I guess that's why I was toying with the idea that he speak to her and they talk out the issue and what happened (even if he goes ahead and pays for the dress). I just don't know if she will be in a state where she's receptive.
^ I don't think anyone is being understanding. Most people have objected to the girl's behavior. But I guess we're just disagreeing about what the guy and his family can do next.
I do think the fact that mom and sis have called and demanded money is troubling and telling, but it is not necessarily a reason to call off the wedding.
Nah....I'm not saying the guy should call off the wedding. I'm saying he should have a direct heart-to-heart with the girl to get to the core of this.....and then see where it goes.
I mentioned some of us being understanding b/c if the genders were reversed in this story....it's hard to me to believe that anyone would tell a girl's family to just give the extra amount demanded by the guy's family. If a guy's sister and mother demanded extra money from a girl's family, I feel almost all of us would say that's a major red flag for the girl (but my assumption could be wrong). I don't think anyone would even mention wedding stress to even make it seem that its ok for the mother and sister to demand the money.
In-laws are pretty generous with the would-be-dulhan, if $600 was their budget she shouldn't have asked for more. It's possible to make alterations with the amount of 'kaam' and still have a very pretty outfit. I think it was wrong on her part to ask for more, if she really liked something and the amount wasn't sufficient she should have paid for the remaining herself.