Wedding drama

Lifestyle Relationships
21

Re: Wedding drama

Uff father can be so complicated to handle at times ..espc the loving and protective fathers..

I can relate somehow.
Although my rishta was initially arranged...in the sense my father was always expecting me to marry my cousin and his father wanted the same. My fiance and I both had said no to the rishta for few years despite being extremely close friends. My father just could no understand why i was saying no at the time, but i used to tell him i am not ready due to different upbringing. 2 years ago, my dad requested me again to think about the rishta and i said i will. I told my cousin i woud like to know him more in respects of marriage and i dont regret doing so at all. After year i agree with my heart willing and told cousin to speak to my father and his father that we are ready . the fathers had given up on this and moved on. So fiance spoke to both his parents..and asked my father n mum when we visited pakistan. It wasnt easy thing to do as no one in the family had ever asked for own rishta n likness in our family. Parents agreed and we got engaged...

Everything looked good...however...it isnt as jolly ever since.

My father cnt seem to accept the fact that i said yes only when i was ready n liked him. He keeps on saying it ur choice..you made your decision behind my back..you and your fiance decided to marry and then let us parents know...

If anything goes wrong in the wedding preparations .his parents tell him..oh she is your choice so deal with it..and my parents say similar stuff.

Wedding is in six months time and situation seem to worsen. Both parents make us feel like they never wanted this rishta to happen. it is very stressful and it isnt how i had envisaged it

Last week i got so mad that told my parents to make up their mind whether they want me to marry him or not. I jst cant handle the stress and complications.

My father and his brother..my father in law...are such strong characters that they cant accept things not going their way..

Im trying to pray n being patient

22

Re: Wedding drama

If your dad was against it, why did he say yes when your cousin approached him about you? My dad's the same way; he's been using the "I'm not dumb, I knew what was going on from the beginning" line which baffles me because I'm just like, if you knew what was going on with me and my man then WHY didn't you stop it/ put your foot down if you were so against it.

My friend is going through a similar thing and the chalaak thing her dad did is he's just sitting around doing NOTHING. The guy's side keeps calling trying ot get some communication open but he's just twiddling his thumbs--we both think he's doing this so the guy's side will get frustrated and move on. When she gets upset with him, he tells her to just go and do it herself if she's so sure and doesn't need him --which is a catch because no "khandaani" family is going to be okay with getting their son married to a girl whose dad isn't even on board with the wedding...she's 28 and still struggling with no end in sight. I'm seeing my future the same way. Our fathers have the same temperament so I am sure this same issue will arise with me. But I don't know what the solution is. You can only be patient for so long...before the other party moves on.

23

Re: Wedding drama

I'll play Devil's Advocate for a moment - is it possible the fathers in these scenarios feel misled/mistreated/excluded because on one hand the daughters are telling their dad:

"Daddy/Abbu/Papa, Vaalid-e-buzurgwaar - a rishta is coming to see you to ask for my hand in marriage."

Notice the contradiction in intent and execution - asking implies the father has a choice. The reality is, the daughter has already decided and the meeting is a mere formality.

Maybe a better way to have the convo with the father is:

"Daddy, I met someone on my own and we've decided we want to get married. His family would like to meet to discuss the particulars of the wedding. We hope you will give us your blessing."

^ This boys and girls is far more accurate.

24

Re: Wedding drama

i dont think my dad is against it...i guess he is just angry..somewhere in his heart..that i did not accept his choice because of him but because i was personally satisfied. he likes taking control and think best for his kids..maybe he is hurt and feel i did not trust him when he was telling me that the guy is good.

and now he is taking all frustrations on the wedding preparations...to the point i was only 20% say on my wedding dress even ..

oh well .. i cant be bothered anyways..just waiting for this period to pass.

25

Re: Wedding drama

my parents were happy that i found someone on my own. however, with my ex's parents, it was the opposite. his mother really wanted to pick a girl for him and was never happy with me. i dont understand why parents think they must pick the partner for their child. shouldnt they be happy that their child found someone who can make them happy? i dont get this mentality.

26

Re: Wedding drama

I don't think that would work very well, at least not for my dad. Either way, my dad would have no choice which is the part that he has a problem with. He wants to be able to reject the rishta and me to just accept that move on, just like that at a drop of a hat. Even if I told him I'd want his blessing (which is basically what my mom told him already but in nicer terms), he was just dismissive about it and said that if he doesn't get to reject/accept the rishta and make the decision then I can just go run off and marry the guy on my own and he doesn't need to be there. It's a losing battle. I'm just praying for a miracle at this point.

I don't get that either. Especially if they've given an indication to their kid that it's okay (and even encouraged) to find someone on their own. There is a severe lack of eligible guys in our community and (despite my initial hesitation and willingness to go the arranged route), my parents BOTH told me that if I had someone in mind, they would just prefer that since there wasn't anyone at home...well, I go and do that and now all hell breaks loose. If they weren't okay with it (as it seems to be the case with your ex) then they shouldve said from day 1 that it wasn't alright; it doesn't seem fair to do that now. In the words of my father: "marriage isn't about emotions, it's an investment"...if that's the way you're approaching a marriage (all cut and dry without emotions) then it doesn't matter if it makes your kid happy; he's just looking for things to mark off a checklist.

I'm just really disappointed in the way my father's handling this and I'm worried that his illogical behavior is gonna breed resentment in my bf; we're iA def going to get married, but in the process my dad is going to ensure that he burns any bridges with my bf. Not that I blame the guy; if his mom treated me like this, I wouldn't have very much respect for her either.

27

Re: Wedding drama

sorry for what you're going through. but every wedding has its drama, so you're not alone here. do you think your dad doesn't really like your boyfriend and it's not just that its a 'love' marriage? if so, what could be the reason for not liking him?
at the end of the day, its your choice who you should spend your life with, and parents usually come around afterwards anyway, especially when its about the daughter. for their sons, they will continue to torture the DIL for ever if she weren't their choice.. but people generally behave nicer towards son inlaws, so hopefully everything will settle down after your wedding.

28

Re: Wedding drama

My dad's "problems" with my bf aren't things that should concern him/things that can't be changed:

1) He's "ugly" (exactly quote...I don't know why a father would say something like that; I'M the one that has to be okay with the way the guy looks)
2) He's 1/2 indian / hydro (I wasn't aware that this was an issue since they had told me it was okay as long as the person was muslim and desi)
3) They're not syed (I don't believe in that stuff)
4) He's a med student and has loans (so the solution would be that I--I have loans too btw-- wait until I'm done paying off my own loans at 40+ or marry someone that's 10 years older and is making serious $$$...basically going back to his "marriage is an investment" BS)

Im sure things will settle down after marriage because the guy is what my parents would want...but my dad's ego is blinding him to the fact. the problem is that I don't know how I'm going to even get this to GET to the point of marriage because my dad is so turned off to the idea. And it's not like I'm 17-18 trying to marry the first thing that comes across. I'm in my mid 20's and I'm ready to start that part of my life before I start residency.

29

Re: Wedding drama

omg even writing down what my dad’s been saying makes me SO ASHAMED of my family. :bummer:

30

Re: Wedding drama

You need to sit with him in person and talk through it. If he is a loving father before, he would not convert into a Villain just as he does not like the guy for the reasons stated above. He might have more concerns as he is your father. I don't really believe in casts (I know sayyeds are very strict)
It takes a lot more courage/faith than just saying 'yes' to wed your daughter to a person you know for some time. He is your father but the way you're talking about him is pretty rude. No matter if he right or wrong, he is still your father.

You should sit with him, listen what he has to say. You can have moral support of the whole GS but in the end its you and your father who need to sort it out.

May ALLAH be your guide and make things easy for you.

P.S. I am really sorry if I sound a bit blunt/rude but I could not stand the way you were talking about your father.

31

Re: Wedding drama

the first 3 issues are very silly. looks, race, caste don't make who we are, they are just physical things which we have no control over. also islamically, there is no basis for such discrimination. but again, thats their opinion and its hard to change that.
as far as having student loans, considering you're both going to be doctors, you guys will make more than enough money to pay it off. my husband is also paying off his medschool loans . we still have enough to get by on his salary alone and this is just fellowship so its not like he makes alot right now anyway. explain to your dad, you are not going to find someone whos 100% perfect, its just not practical.
hopefully after you guys get married, your father will be happy with your choice. many times, parents think no one is ever good enough for their children.

32

Re: Wedding drama

no you shouldnt be ashamed..be proud.
you seem to have a loving dad who taught you well and raised you with family values…this is why you dont want to run away with your f but instead you insisted on hvaing your dads blessing..

be proud of him and the values he gave you!

33

So this is wat we did....as in my fiance did..:p

List dwn the posibble negatives or questions that ur dad has in mind. ..or may bring up during discussions. .

Try to find out possible solutions or anwers to them

Make sure u dnt leave out any issues... ( in my case indo pak was and remains a big issue...but there is no immediate solution to it...thts y my fiance moved to africa) wat I mean is, in case the issues do not have any immediate solution. .try to atleast solve the others as much as possible...so the list of negatives becomes shorter..
Major issues can be solved in the long run...but for tht u need patience to convince ur parents tht u and ur man are willing to do something abt it in future. ..

Am not sure if this may help.....

All the best...and dw..things will work out...being positive is the mantra...:)

34

Re: Wedding drama

I get that and that wasn't my intention, but my dad's been acting so irrational that's a little hard. I mean, packing your bags and threatening to leave over a rishta is kind of silly/ridiculous for a grown man with 4 kids to be doing, isn't it? My father had a rough upbringing which is why he acts the way he does. I love him, but it's stressful being placed in this kind of a situation especially with my mom caught in the middle, so I tend to get a bit upset about it.

That's a good idea and that's what we've decided to do. My bf also decided that it might be better if he offers to meet with my dad when they come over and see if they can sort out whatever issues he has with him. so hopefully it'll go by better than I'm anticipating.

Thank you for the idea!

35

Re: Wedding drama

My dad is also really conservative so he was concerned about "log kya kahaingay" but liked my husband from day 1 when he met him. This was when my dad came to visit us (me and my brother) while we were at university. My dad met him before there was even any inkling that there was any interest in a rishta. My husband is a very private person and no one ever knew that he liked me. He didn't even tell his best friend, he just talked to his mom about it (before even talking to me about it).

So a couple of years after my dad Had met him (as just another pakistani student we were acquainted with) was when they asked for the rishta. So my dad liked the guy but was worried that ppl would assume that we had a thing going on (which we didn't) since we were studying at the same uni. My mom handled it pretty well, she said to him would u prefer doing chai parade and random ppl coming home to have a look at ur daughter and then do their accepting/rejecting. My mom also told me that as I was coming close to graduating she had been praying to Allah k ghar bethay koi acha rishta aa jaye, since they were wo many ppl around her constantly worrying about their daughters rishtas, so this was the answer to her prayers. And she quickly pulled my dad to her side of it. It was still something like this k acha family say mil laitay Haen Aur Phir decide karaingay.

So when my parents went to meet him and his parents, it was just supposed to be a casual first meeting, both our parents were by chance visiting pak at the same time. And my dad, at the end of the visit, out of the blue goes like hamain rishta manzoor hae, and my mom was just stunned, didn't expect it, and just did the moo meetha thing. Now I heard this from my hubby first since he msgd me immediately after the meeting was over (I was still studying in US). And he's like giving me mubarakbaad k rishta Pakka ho gaya, and I'm like what is he talking about. I was 100% sure that he misconstrued something my parents had said and refused to believe my dad actually said that. I only believed him after I was able to talk to my parents the next day and my mom told me what happened. My dad had later told her that he had never planned to do that and he himself was surprised that it just came out that way. I was just really thankful that everything went smooth and never expected that if ever there was a guy that I somewhat liked and was interested in getting married to my parents would be ok with it!! Especially after the years of rules and regulations that I had followed.

So op maybe ur mom can talk about it to ur dad from that angle as well. K it could be a blessing for u guys that u wouldn't have to go thru chai parade and all the investigating. Since its so difficult to find good shareef rishtas nowadays, things like that? And K pasand karnay say kya hota hae, shadi to hum he karwa rahay Haen na, hamaray baghair to shadi nahi ho sakti, maybe that would make him feel more in control. And all those ppl going like oh it's better to be honest k yes we like each other so yes we're getting married. I'm sorry but with conservative parents and especially being the girl, it doesn't work that way. The easier and more respectable way to do it with conservative dads is to be discreet about it, why make them feel bad when u don't have to. And OP my husband was continuously saying the istikharah dua throughout the rishta process. Ur asking Allah that if this is better for me then please make it easier (to happen) and if it is not then take it away from me and replace it with something better. I think it's an extremely important and strong dua. I do believe that it was one of the reasons that everything went well Alhumdulillah.

36

Re: Wedding drama

If you are marrying a med student, then am afraid it's not your father but you who is acting irrational. You seem to be in a hurry. I married when I had started my residency and felt I wasn't ready, but had to give in to parents pressure.

37

Re: Wedding drama

Why is that acting in a hurry? We both go to school together, we're the same year, so it seems like a rational decision that if we both want to be together to go ahead and do it when it fits into our schedule--sometime next year. From watching my friends I've realized that there's always going to be something in the way: first med school, then rotations, then residency, then fellowship, then getting a job. At what point is it the "rational" time to get married? I'd rather be with him and make those very important decisions about both of our lives (where we want to go for residency/fellowship/rotations) as a couple, rather than doing our own things and hoping it'll work out in the end. Financially, we're both 100% self sufficient (ie: have loans) and our parents aren't helping us with anyone; I don't see how getting married would change that part either.

I"m not trying to be rude; I'm genuinely curious.

38

Re: Wedding drama

My personal opinion is med school is too early, you are in debt, you haven't really judged how your residency or fellowship is going to pan out, and financially you are a long way to get settled.

If it was my child, I would be very hesitant to get him/ her committed to marriage at this stage.

39

Re: Wedding drama

^ this and have you ever thought which cricket team you will support ??

You dare not support India, or just don’t come back to this forum :snooty:

40

Re: Wedding drama

^Exactly..

In anyway, my suggestion would be to have someone play as a third person. And try to understand issue from your parent's perspective. So calm down..and i know it is very tough. But try to find someone who can sit down with your parents and yourself. And then...sit down with him an his parents. Coz it seems to me..there are lot of stuff happening within in your own family..say Insha'Allah hang in there. Ask Allah to make it easier if this is meant to be.