Did anyone have a “love marriage” that went smoothly from introduction to parents to shaadi? I feel like I’m trapped in a stupid Pakistani drama serial with my parents right now after my “bf” (I don’t know what else to call him) had his parents call my parents about a rishta. It doesn’t seem like there’s an end in sight…especially since a few weeks ago things seemed to be heading in a good, positive direction.
argh!
Re: Wedding drama
YES! I have experience something i think you are refereeing to. I and my bf at the time lived in the US ...and my family had moved here some 15 years ago. My in laws on the other hand are a very traditional Pakistani family in Pakistan. A lot of the issues were due to lack of communication and different traditions. In the US (things are moving this way in Pakistan as well...) bride & groom plan most of the details ...so my family was fine with it. But my in-laws were not, had a lot of issue adjusting to it. Things were crazy during the wedding process, at the wedding but Alhumdulilah they are perfect now (I have been married for almost 4 years now.) The key is communication! More details you ask about their traditions and what they are expecting, less feelings will get hurt etc.
Re: Wedding drama
YES! I have experience something i think you are refereeing to. I and my bf at the time lived in the US ...and my family had moved here some 15 years ago. My in laws on the other hand are a very traditional Pakistani family in Pakistan. A lot of the issues were due to lack of communication and different traditions. In the US (things are moving this way in Pakistan as well...) bride & groom plan most of the details ...so my family was fine with it. But my in-laws were not, had a lot of issue adjusting to it. Things were crazy during the wedding process, at the wedding but Alhumdulilah they are perfect now (I have been married for almost 4 years now.) The key is communication! More details you ask about their traditions and what they are expecting, less feelings will get hurt etc.
yes, it is driving me INSANE. My family is the one that is the more traditional one and things that I thought wouldn't be an issue because we're fairly "progessive" (all of us daughters are in med/law/professional school and we have full freedom), are turning out to be problems. My family--father in particular--can't wrap his mind across the fact that this isn't "just another rishta" but it's someone that I've known for a while now and feel very strongly about. I'm just hoping we can even get to the shaadi planning phase...aH, the bf is being super supportive and basically willing to do/answer any question my father has but it's frustrating.
I see so many people get married and it really makes me wonder if desi people can just let go of their egos and be happy that their kids found someone on their own or if it's just my family that's creating this fuss. It just seems that they can't accept the fact that it isn't arranged and my guy and me have basically already decided that we're going for it, obviously with the elders' blessings though.
:S
Re: Wedding drama
Maybe have your mom talk to your dad. Tell her how you are feeling and that he should be more understanding about this rishta since its not just a rishta...its a guy you want to marry. NO background checks needed, no istikharas needed as you have made up your mind.
Wedding drama
My cousin had to go through something similar actually two of them did. I think maybe as planning gets underway and you guys keep focused on the things you need to get done for the preps, it will start to click with your your dad. Maybe it's a bit of of a control thing with your dad whose having a hard time accepting that this is the direction things are moving in whether he likes it or not. It kind of was like that for my cousins where my aunt was in bit of debial because she was marrying a non-Pakistani but my uncle everyone else was very supportive and started to convince my aunt this was the best thing and my family is pretty good about the kids marrying by their own choice so she came around as dates were decided and seeing the support of the family helped. Maybe you guys should all keep positive around the house, more so your mom and siblings so they can keep reminding him how satisfied everyone and is happy about it. Basically if ignoring the negatively even if it is coming from your dad and maybe he'll come around as things begin to roll out into the planning phase?
Re: Wedding drama
Yeah, that…didn’t go well. there was a huge argument where my father claimed that he was being “forced” to say yes even if he didn’t want to. I think I just really lost faith when at one point he started claiming that “it’s just a rishta so I don’t know why you all are making a big deal about it. If I like it, we can continue; if not, there are plenty of other guys”. It was so…dismissive. Kind of disheartening.
it’s DEFINITELY a control issue. I’ve always been the “golden child” that does whatever the parents want and this is the first time that I’m doing something huge without asking for permission (at least that’s how he sees it, even though I’m trying to include everyone). That’s what my mom is trying to do; move along as if nothing is stopping us and then just hope my dad agrees.
It’s compounded by the fact that I have a very hard time articulating thoughts like these to my father. Call me stupid, old-fashioned, etc. It’s just really difficult for me to be like “I’m in love w/ this guy and I have to be with him”. i blame myself for that.
well…it seems to have worked for some people so hopefully it’ll turn out alright. It’s hard to be put in a situation where you’re put in the middle of 2 parties and one side is being completely irrational. 
Re: Wedding drama
for those of you that had "love marriages", did your parents still go through the background check thing? Or was that skipped since you knew the guy? My family wants to go visit the guy's family after they come to our place. I was just curious.
Re: Wedding drama
So sorry you have to go thru this. It shouldn't be so hard. For us, we knew each other almost 3 years before i even met his parents (he had been introduced to my mom.) But my bf thn and now hubby made it very clear to me that his parents had to say yes before we could proceed. I went to Pakistan to meet the whole family and Alhumdulilah everything went well. My in-laws didn't do any background checks since hubby already knew me. They also didn’t do istikhara ...saying since the decision is already made no reason to complicate things.
I understand that you want your father to be just happy with your decision, but if there isn't anything to worry about.... let him do the background check and meet his family. Don't worry about it and let the process move forward (even if its moving much slower thn you want.)
Re: Wedding drama
yes. my parents went through everything/every step that would have happened with an arranged marriage.
hard as it must be for you right now (been there) … just know that right now you are not the most objective person in this process due to your emotional attachment to the guy. your parents … perhaps not objective either … are able to see the guy and his family with a perspective that you cant.
I say … listen to them/their opinions with an open mind, try to understand their concerns, remain respectful, weigh it all, ponder it all and then make your decision.
it is your right, religious and legal to choose your spouse … but with rights come responsibility and consequences. Understand that well.
good luck! 
Re: Wedding drama
for those of you that had "love marriages", did your parents still go through the background check thing? Or was that skipped since you knew the guy? My family wants to go visit the guy's family after they come to our place. I was just curious.
Yes, in my "love marriage" my parents still tried to find out as much as possible about my future inlaws and their "rahain-sahain" etc. It was ultimately my decision, but my mother made sure to have them over a few times before giving me her opinion/approval.
Re: Wedding drama
I completely agree with you guys. I tend to have a habit of being impatient in general, and this whole situation is making it worse since it's coupled with anxiety too. I guess I'm just concerned that my dad--who can't seem to wrap his mind around this whole thing--is going to find SOMETHING wrong to nit-pick at. I wouldn't be so worried if we had very flexible schedules but with grad school / residency running our lives for the next 5-7 years, we're not seeing the light at the end of the tunnel if we let this next year pass.
Keep me in your duas. please.
Re: Wedding drama
Yes, in my "love marriage" my parents still tried to find out as much as possible about my future inlaws and their "rahain-sahain" etc. It was ultimately my decision, but my mother made sure to have them over a few times before giving me her opinion/approval.
How long did you guys know each other before you introduced the idea to the parents?
Re: Wedding drama
How long did you guys know each other before you introduced the idea to the parents?
He and were platonic friends for 2 years in college before he ever told me he would like to see if our friendship could lead to something more serious. My family already knew him as a friend of mine because he played cricket with my uncle and his older brother was friends with my papa through the masjid. He and I then started dating for about 6 months or so when we then told our families we wanted to marry....His family was not receptive at first because 1)bad experience with his other brothers love marriage 2) their family background (my MIL) was a different sect..their hesitance and attitude concerned my parents so it was another six months or so before both of our families got on the same page.
So all in all I knew him for about 3 years, with one year of serious dating, we had a small mangni party and got married 3 months later.
Re: Wedding drama
hmm…patience is the key..thts all i can say.
In my case (indo pak rishta), my family was totally against, whereas his mom has always been totally cool since day 1. Also, my mom/ sis felt i was forcing them to accept this rishta:smack:; but frankly they didnt leave me with any other choice. After being forced so much by me, they agreed and i guess my jiju did some background check from his end. Not sure how much successful he was 
Anyways SA, all is well now and our rishta is fixed. and am back home for my wedding preps i.e. if my honewale shohar and my inlaws get visa.
warna bus allah maalik hai…lets hope for the best.
Wat i wuld suggest is, if ur dead sure abt the guy and his background, then stick to ur decision and try to convince ur parents.
sooner or later they will agree…aur background check ho jaye…and everything comes out positive, fir toh sone pe suhaga…
Best of luck!!..
Re: Wedding drama
for those of you that had "love marriages", did your parents still go through the background check thing? Or was that skipped since you knew the guy? My family wants to go visit the guy's family after they come to our place. I was just curious.
Yes they took their sweet time even though we knew his family since several years.
Re: Wedding drama
THIS is EXACTLY what’s going on with my family. My dad is throwing a fit that he’s being “pressured” to say yes even though he hasn’t met the guy…which isn’t the case. My siblings just told him that he needs to look at the bigger picture and let go of the nit-picking that would happen with an arranged meeting since this is the guy I want to marry…well, my dad isn’t having any of that. His response (which seems to be similar to what a lot of my other friends went through with their stubborn parents) is “if you’re so sure and you know everything, then joa khudi jaa ke shadi karlo”. NOT WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.
Our rishta is indo-pak too and that’s where a lot of the problem is lying. His family is totally gung-ho and ready for nikkah tomorrow if we said yes.
I’m anticipating my father drawing this out for a good few years in hopes that I’ll move on (I wish I was being overdramatic about it) but my bf has already said that his family is going to want to make the situation halal ASAP so they’re not gonna be on board for dilly-dallying for so long.
I guess in a twisted way , it gives me some comfort in knowing other people went through similar situations and aH everything turned out well for them.
Re: Wedding drama
I don’t understand why parents feel the need to do this. My side has been saying that it’s fine and we should take our time, “jab shadi naseeb mein ho gi, ho jaye gi”…and went so far as to say that it was perfectly acceptable (and I should be fine with) waiting until after residency to get married (ummm that’s…6 years from now) because “other people do that too and it wont’ be the end of the world for you to wait that long. If he wants to marry you, he’ll be okay with it” UGH. 
Re: Wedding drama
OMG i can toally relate to it!!!..
even i had to hear these dialogues… “KI KHUD SOCH LIYA HAI TOH HUME PUCH BHI KYU RAHI HAI, JAKE KARO JO KARNA HAI WOH”
…
and i was like…atleast meet them once…but shukar, now things have worked, they finally met his mamu and rishta was fixed.
now tht m back home (i was working in UAE, away from home), everyone was happy and all set for the wedding…
but we r just stuck with this visa thing…m jst praying we get thru this as well asap and they can come here IA…
dw…my prayers for u…jst be very patient…and keep praying…thts the key..
like my man wuld always tell me…“khud ko patthar jaisa banna padega”…be very firm (if ur dead sure)…baaki allah sab thik karenge…IA..
Re: Wedding drama
lol I don’t know.. I guess it’s a huge responsibilities and a big deal for parents and like people say “sau dafa sochna padta hai” - but you know it’s true what they say though, jab hona hoga to ho jaata. Don’t stress too much.
For me sweet time was 2 months 
not 6 years 
Re: Wedding drama
That’s good for you, I’m happy that it all worked out! 
Yeah the bf has been pretty supportive; even offered to call my dad and speak to him about his concerns before they come visit if that would help change my dad’s mind. I’m attempting to make sure my dad feels “included” in the whole thing since his problem is that we’re all ganging up on him and ambushing him (or so he thinks). The bf also doesn’t understand why I can’t just tell my dad that I’m in love with him and want to marry him…(ugh ) he thinks the whole thing about me being too shy to do it is stupid–which I agree with, to an extend but it’s an awkward convo to have.
I had problems with an arranged rishta 2-3 years ago (my dad wasn’t happy about that one either) and I’m having PTSD just thinking about how horrible of a time that was and how this is going to be 29837287 x worse.
I’m praying that the same is true for me. 