we are definatly moving :[ dnt want to go.

Lifestyle Relationships
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i may have mentioned a year or so ago that my then-fiance was looking to move back to pak. i knew in my heart of hearts that if i refused to marry someone i actually really liked jsut because of this i may regret it later. my desire to live here in the uk forever, doesnt mean i was going to end up marying a british boy and being happy…anyway i got used to the idea..and now after inshallah a healthy birth in sep, we may move…few months after that. in fact its more definate. reason is because of his parents. they dont want to move here and wont. he has to be there for his parents, he is the eldest. and i respect that. i wish my own brother would do the same whens hes older. however no matter how i mtry to like this arrangement, i cant. i dread it. i know halaat are bad, he knows it too, however his parents are happy there and wont move no matter what happens. so u guys telling me to discuss these things wont matter. my husband has already tried and they dont want to move here. and i cant expect him and his family to move here on my whim.

i opened a thread about pakistan, and how its not so great, and all of you were against that, and seemed very loyal towards it. well i kinda need that advice now.

thanks

and also can u tell me, how many months does the baby need to be before travelling, and im not sure if how soon he wants to go after, but what would be ideal…and it cant be too long.

buit more info-his mum is ill, many operations. and sis is 23 needs to get married, and he has nother brothers whose the youngest. so all is on my hubby really.

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Re: we are definatly moving : dnt want to go.

Nice to know you are being supportive. However, this really should be a lesson to girls out there. If you want to live in a particular country, you have a right to. Make sure the guy is agreeable to it, and get it signed as part of your nikkahnama.

I don't know if he promised he'd stay in the UK and then backtracked on his words, or what...but nice to know there are people out there who are willing to make a saccrifice...its just...

You don't have to, you know.

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Re: we are definatly moving : dnt want to go.

^ Your hubby doesn't have another brother who could stay with parents and support them? Is the youngest working?

Other than talking to him, how else will you find some sort of resolution or compromise, Nadz?

Maybe you can take regular yearly trips to England. Maybe he might stay there until him mom's health improves and some of those responsibilities are over with. Maybe he'll talk with his younger brother....and the younger brother might prefer to stay with his parents...and this may make it easier for you guys to move back. You might even like it better there. Maybe you and him can reach some sort of compromise about living arrangements in Pakistan....that would make your stay more comfortable.

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Re: we are definatly moving : dnt want to go.

Worry not. I've known so many couples who moved back and then were back in the States within 12 months...when they couldn't take the craziness over there anymore.

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^ Even being married to someone who was born/raised in the same country as you....is no guarantee where you might end up in the future. One might have a preference for a particular geographical location (you may like living in warmer states as opposed to colder ones)...but things can change...you may have to move for various reasons. And you can't always see what's coming.

BUT.........if during the rishta talks.....you KNEW that they guy had a VERY STRONG inclination toward Pakistan.........if you KNEW that he couldn't and wouldn't leave his parents.......................and if you KNEW that this would be an issue you aren't going to compromise on...................then you ALWAYS had the option of refusing the rishta and marrying someone else. It's like complaining about something...you knew (beforehand) was going to happen....and there's almost no point to it.

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True.

Your husband may not like it there (although that's no guarantee). You still have some time. It's April. The baby is due in SEPTEMBER. You're not planning to leave until the baby is a few months old.........so you have a lot of time until this "move" happens.

And who knows? During this time......maybe after the baby is born....your husband might think even more about which place would be best to raise his child......and he may even opt for staying in the UK.

Or you might even end up liking Pak. Anything can happen in life. Show some understanding toward his needs (his ill mother...single sister, etc). But also talk about the pros and cons.

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Re: we are definatly moving : dnt want to go.

In the US I believe its two months before a baby can travel. Because of shots.

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ur acting like its a death wish..do they hve a shabby house or do they live in the village or something?..r there living conditions that bad..?..

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Re: we are definatly moving : dnt want to go.

I think she's being more supportive then acting like its a death wish. I can understand where she's coming from, when you're comfortable some where its hard to go to a country that is step by step going into a drain. For me, even though i wasn't born there or anything, I still have so much attachment to it that I would love to move there, even if it going down. As long as you're not going to be living in a farm or a village there is a chance of you actually liking it. I think the main issue is the mentality of the people and the bombings, which you will have to put aside for right now if you want to be supportive.

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It is commendable that he is in touch with his parents and cares for them.

Also, your post suggest you may not be thrilled to move but have no strong opposition to it, which is also commendable.

Is it possible there could be a happy medium?

On one hand, parents should be taken care off, on other hand immediate family (spouse/kids) needs come first.

With young sister and brother his parents cannot move I think.

UK is not so far. Can he visit regularly or they could also?

It also means your family will need to find the way to settle there and depends on if financially it is possible or not.

Congratulations and good wishes by the way for expecting.

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Re: we are definatly moving : dnt want to go.

Nadzz...Im happy to see how supportive you are of your husband. Its nice and I hope in the future he realizes how hard this was for you. Maybe he might remember this and do something to make you happy as well.

The thing is, with him being the eldest you are actually going to be living with the responsibility of his parents/family your whole life. Its a given and there is nothing at all wrong with it. Had you been in his shoes, you would have wanted the same thing.

Go, live there, show him you can push through this with him. Be his backbone. He is being a responsible son, thats all. What if in time he realizes the security issues there and brings his parents, you and baby back home with him? Pakistan ke halaat are a reality. Just trust Allah swt and go for now...I have a feeling he might actually change his mind once there.

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Re: we are definatly moving : dnt want to go.

A place or money should never matter , its only the people and your relationship that matters . Nice to see you help him through this tough time and truly coming up as a team player . :k:

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Re: we are definatly moving : dnt want to go.

look at the positive side, you will probably have a lot more help available in Pakistan at a time when its most needed. i travelled back home with my 2 mth old and my in laws and family spoilt me and the baby like crazy.

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Re: we are definatly moving : dnt want to go.

Get a divorce. It will solve all your problems!

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Re: we are definatly moving : dnt want to go.

I agree with CM. Drop him like a bad habit.

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but what type of support ur hubby's parents need?? financial or security wise??your hubby does not have any other brother??

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Re: we are definatly moving : dnt want to go.

You are being pretty mature about the whole thing even though you don't wanna go. But you knew this before you married him hence you will have to accept it because if you felt so strongly about the whole issue you would never marry a guy who's ultimate destination would be somewhere where you would be totally unwilling to live.

Personally, he was straight up with you and you knew all along so you can't really moan about it now unless you just said it please him then and get hitched. If you felt so strongly about it I would have set the standards before even discussing marriage...

Maybe he won't like it there..seriously gotta be honest with you, don't think it's an ideal place to live and bring up a baby solely for the fact that you are not used to the lifestyle there..just make sure your baby is healthy there and if anything happens health wise come straight back, he may see sense when it concerns your or your baby's health.

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Re: we are definatly moving : dnt want to go.

^ ppl have healthy babies here too :)

Nadz its not so bad. I know on tv it looks like pakistan is one big war zone (yeah i know some parts are) but living in the city you just dont feel a thing! i can only talk about karachi but life here is so normal, i dont feel insecure about my safety every time i go out... and even if something bad does happen, everyone just stays at home for a day or too and things get back to normal, life goes on.

Since you are being so supportive of your hubby and are probably going to move anyway i thought i'd mention the bright side of living here...

  • the food is halal! no matter where you go you dont have to think twice about where to eat. -

  • The shopping is good, and you can get almost anything you want whether it be western or eastern in most major cities i'd assume

  • there are good school where your kid would have the opportunity to study through the western system (O/A levels) that would later be recognised internationally

  • cleaning ladies! no more household chores, no need to do the dishes, laundry, dusting, ironing, etc. This would be helpful if you wanted to pursue a career.

  • having in laws living with you has its benefits, you could just go out with your hubby and not need to worry about your kids...

Just pray that whatever happens, happens for the best and Allah blesses your family with good health and peace wherever you live :)

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Re: we are definatly moving : dnt want to go.

^ nice post pink.

We living in Pakistan are human beings too ! The above replies made me feel like as if Pakistan is somewhere out of this world !

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Re: we are definatly moving : dnt want to go.

nadz...I moved back 2 years ago. I used to live in Germany befoe that, then moved to UK for a short span (6 months) and finally to pak Islamabad to be precise. :)
I know how I used to feel about the security, living in west....but in day to day life here, u don't really feel that. As per my tailor, our govt keeps us too busy with soooo many little problems to even realise what n where is wrong in the bigger picture :D khair....overall living here is good...for me it would be a perfect picture IF my hubby would be living here with us..( he is in EU) Life sn't a smooth sailing anywhere....so there are pros n cons of moving to pak. Just try to see that half of the glass which is full :)

So whatever decision u make i just wish may all the worries in your life just disappear like electricity in Pakistan.... may the negative feelings just become as scarce for you as sugar and flour for the common man here.....and may the happy times just increase like the fuel prices in pak :D
Welcome home!!! :D