WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

Lifestyle Relationships
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I’m sorry for the messy post, I know I’m all over the place, but I just have so many emotions going thru me and so much I want to say …

I’ve been married for 8 months, it was arranged, my parents (thought they) knew them from backhome. Prior to us getting married we had been engaged for 8,5 months, we had only talked together for about 2-3 weeks before we got married. We both live in diffrent countries within the EU.

Our engagement period was good, we texted daily, from the time we got up, till we went to sleep. He wanted to talk on the phone I didn’t, I was just too damn shy. But he didn’t push, he just asked a couple of times and after that he said he understood.

Him and his family came here and we got married, everything seemed fine until 4 days later when his “ex” decided to send pics of them making out etc to me, I was devastated I cried and cried, he begged for my forgiveness, he cried with me and for 7 days straight he would take a shower in the morning and then bring out the quran, open it, read the first few verses and then put it hands on the quran and swear by it, that he would never cheat on me again, that he would always keep me happy etc etc etc. I forgave him, because I’ve been brought up believing that no one would ever “uthana a chat quran”. The rest of the time he was here he was really really nice and caring, more then he had been, he’d take me out every day, we would talk for hours, he’s buy me flowers, teddies, and just spend all of his time with me. After 3 weeks he went back home and everything seemed fine, we talked on the phone every single day,texted 24/7 it seemed. a month after he went back, I flew over to him and stayed with him for 2 weeks, he was still the same man who I knew from after we got married, but he seemed a bit more distance, I asked him and he said that his friend where bugging him and saying that because his wife was here, he was living under his wife shoes, so I told him he could just hang out with his friends, as long as he made time for me, which he did, I got tours to all the big cities and I had a good time with him. On my last day there I see that he is texting someone, sending them kisses and hugs and smilies I thought only people in romantic relations ships sendt each other, I asked him and he just brushed it off, I then went on FB and checked his “ex” gf’s profile, but I couldn’t find her, I then borrowed my friend fb and checked his gf’s profile again, and she was there, so she must have blocked me. I saw that my husband had posted on her wall and on her pictures and that they had been together while I was visiting him, he had also bought her flowers and what not, I asked him for an explanation, he didn’t have any, and he just left. His mother then told me that if a wife doesn’t keep her husband happy he can have 7 woman outside… wth? The next morning I took a flight back … I had left my engagement ring, wedding ring and moun dikhai gift on his bed and I told him that I was done with him.

A week after I got back I found out I was pregnant, so I prayed and hoped that he would change, but it only got worse, I asked everyone for help, his parents (who deny that their son has done something wrong), elders of our community back home, they know both families. But him and his family has been so darn stubborn. He also took his gf to Paris a couple of months ago, but his parents lied and tried covering for him.

I’m not 7 months pregnant and the dirtbag divorced me last Wednesday. I feel so hurt and betrayed, until 3 weeks ago I was buying things for our home that we would have made together, I hoped that usko aqal a jati, but it didn’t happen and I had NEVER imagined getting divorced, and I feel so lost atm.

I feel so stupid believing in him, and his family. I honestly thought they where good people, I never saw this coming, I never thought I’d get divorced and I did so much to keep him happy. My entire dream of a happy life seems ruined, I have a whole room in my parents flat filled with things me and him bought for the home we would one day create together.

In the past couple of weeks we have found that 3-4 suits in the bari where his sisters used suited they had given me, half of the jewellery they gave me is fake, his mom has been bad mouthing me all over, anyone who will listen to her, she tells them of how I am a bad person etc etc etc … His parents and him has threatened me … They have also beaten up their daughter and forced her to marry someone from Pakistan so he can come here. We never knew the real them, my parents are heart broken, I’m the oldest and the first to get married, all they wanted was for me to be happy.

I was the best wife and daughter-in-law I could have possibly been and now I feel that I am the one who has to give up her dream of a happy home with a mom, dad and babies. I have to fight in order to keep my daughter and I don’t want to give her, her father because he is not father material. I don’t want my baby girl near his family, they threat their daughters like property. I also feel like I have to work twice as hard for my daughter, in order to provide for her and be both and mom and a dad for her.

I’m just so confused right now and I feel quite lost, I don’t know what to do, whats next?

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Re: WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

you have come to the right place. No make tea .. and wait for replies.

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Re: WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

Allah has a plan my love.
Just believe.

I'm so sorry you're going through all this.
Hope he gets what he deserves.

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Re: WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

Your only mistake was having a kid when it was clear there were problems with him. Rest he is clearly a douche bag who will have karma bite his ass one day.

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Re: WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

Thank you :) ... I'm trying...

I know, but after he swore on the Quran I believed him ...

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Re: WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

ok.
Its kind of too early to not feel the shock.
But in the long run you are better off with out such a man. In a way its good, that you would live with dignity rather then being dragged around for whole life.

See he could live/talk to such a girl, who sent such a pic to his wife, AFTER she did the offence . Tells a lot about ex and the hubby....

You are good with out him.

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Re: WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

Honestly, good riddance to them. They were not worthy and they never would have been. The guy was scum, the parents were scum and they will get their punishment for being scum.

A friend of mine was in the same boat as you. Married, pregnant, divorced within a year. The one thing she always says is that being female meant that people you once respected try to give the lion's share of the blame. If the marriage broke down then it's supposed to be your fault. Do not let the hypocrisy and falsehoods bring you down.

You will also see who are your friends and who are not. Be prepared to be disappointed especially by people who are your family or community elders. Look for other places for support like classes or group support for pregnant women.

Your child is your own. For now by both Islamic and international law no one can take such a small child from you. My friend started getting threatening phone calls by her inlaws that they'll prove she's an unfit mother and take her child away. Her inlaws failed to provide any court mandated childcare costs and ended up losing even their visits. From your accounts of dishonesty your former inlaws also sound like they'll make a lot of noise but won't be able to prove themselves to be fit guardians.

My friend now has a stable job, and a happy, healthy child she is very very proud off so is there a future you can look forward to? Yes! Don't give up hope. Allah is looking out for you even if you feel like he's tuned away from you.

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Re: WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

What's done it done. Now is not the time to be confused or emotional. Time to buckle up, be strong, come up with a plan of action, and find information. Immediate questions/concerns that come to mind:

1) I don't know anything about child custody laws in EU but this would be the time to get a lawyer and find out what happens with child custody and child support.

2) You are 7 months pregnant. Do you work? Do you have a plan on where you will give birth/who will take care of you etc.?

3) How do you plan on financially supporting this baby once you've recovered from labor/delivery? Do you currently work? Do you plan on working? If so, will a family member watch the baby or do you need outside childcare?

Frankly I think its a good thing that he divorced you now. It would have been had he divorced you years from now after you guys already had multiple kids. A very close friend of mine (pakistani) received divorce papers from her Pakistani husband after 8 years of marriage....when she was pregnant with their THIRD child! So yea.....it feels horrible right now but at least you didn't waste more years of your life with this jerk and had multiple children.

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Re: WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

How old are you?

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Re: WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

Gosh, I cannot even imagine the pain you are going through right now. May Allah give you lots of strength & remember that Allah loves those who are patient.

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Re: WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

I take it he knows you're pregnant? If so, then it's disheartening to see that one can be so callous as to not have any regard for their child. What tarbiyat have his parents given that does not account for the rights of others. Where is the fear of Allah?

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Re: WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

I know the encouraging replies seem to fall on deaf ears at times when all you can see is this pahaaar jaisi zindagi looming ahead of you.

The truth is:

You will have to work harder...but is harder the kind of harder that will break your back? No. If you're smart and play your cards right, you can be a career woman and a single parent.

People WILL blame you. Get used to it. Harden your nerves and be ready for a LOT of tanay and lots of unsolicited advice. Also, many people will think you were selfish for destroying your home when you had a child on the way...as if you had a choice.

Divorce is hard...but its not as hard as you think. Being a single parent is difficult but if I were you, I'd try to focus on enjoying motherhood. Your baby will grow so fast and you will regret not savoring those moments. He isn't coming back so you can now begin accepting his absence and learn to live without him. In a way, it might be a bit easier because you might not miss his absence as much as you might have if you split after baby.

Having a plan will be important so if I were you, I'd look at Paheli's post and start working on it if you haven't already.

Finding a support group will help immensely. Don't think you're alone and don't think no one else has it worse. People do. Do not fall into the black hole of self pity. Finding like minded people helps A LOT. I know several single mothers with multiple kids and one of the biggest benefits of support groups I've seen is finding your own sense of "normal".

I am really sorry you're going through this but know that Allah swt never gives us more than we can handle. If Allah has trusted a woman with the daunting task of bringing a child into this world, He will also provide you with the strength to raise her.

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Re: WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

where are you based? for the sake of your child, make sure the guy is legally on the hook for parental responsibilities - financial and otherwise, and also for alimony. some people are highly irresponsible with their and other people's lives, don't see reason until their wallet is threatened. and don't think this is something bad to do - it is his obligation once he had committed to the social contract called marriage. do not be shy about fighting for what is rightfully yours and the child's, especially from a guy like this.

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Re: WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

I'm really sorry to hear what happened to you. It's hard to believe such selfish people exist in this world. But learn to move on from this but not to forget the lessons... Don't ever trust him again. He may or may not come grovelling back to you once the baby is born - just don't accept him back in your life now after all the lies and those photos that his ex sent you.

Since you are based in the EU and not in Pakistan - I'm pretty sure it will be you who will get custody of the child anyways, so don't fret over that. He will have to pay child support as well.

Give your self some time to get yourself together and then just move on and never look back. I would cut off all ties with him and his family - anyone who is spreading gossip, just ignore it all and don't surround yourself with such negativity. Think about your daughter now and your future. Are you working right now? Living with your parents? As long as you have familial support I'm sure you will get through this. Time will heal, just pray and keep strong.

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Re: WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

I thought you couldn't give talak if the wife is pregnant?

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Re: WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

Whatever happened has happened and like others have said above, its better that you are not with him anymore. Time heals everything, so give it some time. Plan about your future and your child.

Also consider the suggestion given by queer, you must not let him get away with this. Find a legal way to put a collar around his neck.

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Re: WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

If you are religious take refuge in religion. Time is the best healer. You are smart girl you and your baby will be winner and he will be a loser in the end. Inshallah.

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Re: WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

First thing first, make sure you fight tooth and nail to get MAX Child Support and Spousal Support from this guy and please no out of court settlement as most of the desis do. Get a legally binding order from court if needed. I assume that because you both are in EU, such order from one country's court will be binding in other county. Don't listen to desi excuses of "chaloo jo hona tha wo ho gaya, aab maqadma kaun kerta phirey". Spousal support and child support is your right and his responsibility both Islamically and by land of the law (almost every where). People will make you feel like you are greedy but you are not. Even if you are well-off or parents are supporting you, do take that money and start saving it for your kid.

Secondly, may I suggest for first year or two, give full time to the little one if you can live on support payments or have some other financial means. You do not want to get into another relationship soon. Give yourself some break, a cook off period. Trust me taking care of baby is more than a full time job specially for mom and even more if she is a single mom. Dont cut on your other social activities though.

May Allah make it easy for you!

PS: oh and learn to ignore desi aunties's taunts and one liners. I am sure you will hear many. Don't even bother to 'go in one ear and out the other'. Just throw out of the same ear. Aunties will remain aunties there is nothing much you can do about them.

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Re: WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

Sometimes heartbreak teaches us a few things:
- We cannot depend on other humans to bring us happiness.
- We cannot depend on other humans to know our worth/determine our worth.
- We must be strong and we can be strong.
- We must have faith in Allah SWT. No one can break us when we remember He is the only one that matters.
- We teach our children to be strong by setting an example.
- Therefore, be the kind of person you want your child to grow up to be.

You need nothing at all from your ex-husband. You owe him nothing. Make sure to get all the legal stuff sorted and make sure you get child support. That is all.

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Re: WAS: married for 8 months ..... NOW: 7 months pregnant and divorced.

One more thing. I strongly feel that being married to someone who doesn't respect you or care for you or understand you is much lonelier than being single.