was it the right decision...?

Lifestyle Relationships
1

:salam:

this is a long post… but…i would really love to get your feedback… :slight_smile:

hmm…k,here goes…

a really good friend of mine yesterday finally turned down a very good proposal from someone whom she knew for about three and a half yrs now and whom her parents liked very much despite the fact that they r punjabi and the guy is pathan…in fact they really wanted her to say yes…and in fact so did her sister and i coz v think the guy likes her and appreciates her aur dil se us kee izzat karta hae…plus he’s a good guy…the rishta had been going on for abt a month now…

the issue has been on my mind and i decided to post abt it here…

she didnt like the person like that but she did think he was a good guy etc and us mein koi kami nahee thee…they were in school together and were good friendz…the reason she turned the proposal down was becoz the guy and his cousin used to like each other but it was an unspoken kind of thing abt five yrs ago…

the guy is pathan and his cousin was from his village in nwfp…he moved to karachi for college and it was there that he became close friends with my friend…most of the time in the beginning he was telling my friend how much he missed his cousin etc…thats how they became close friendz…they actually used to go in the same van…

Since then they had been in classes together etc too and had a very good working and friendly relationship but it was not anything more…just recently now that they r about to graduate and leave college and thus part ways with each other…the guy sent a rishta for my friend which to my friend was not totally unexpected… my friend did like the guy as a person…she was not emotionally involved in liking him…not until the rishta atleast…and she did very seriously consider the proposal but there were many reason becoz of which she said no…and she didnt say no easily either…she was sad about saying no infact she was crying so hard on the phone when she told me she had finally said no k us ko hichkiaan aa rai theen…:frowning: but she said she really felt she had to…

her foremost reason was that she couldnt bear the fact that the guy had already ‘given his heart’ to someone else before her…she was hung up on that fact and said that this would make her feel bad her entire life…i tried to tell her that the other girl is married now and has kidz too and livez far away in nwfp… while my friend and the guy live in khi…but my friend really believes in the ‘love happens only once’ stuff…

also she kept comparing herself to that girl…she kept drawing contrasts and telling me how she was the complete opposite of the guy’s cousin…the guys cousin * is mashallah a stunning beauty typically pathan looking and my friend [although mashallah she herself is very pretty in fact i think prettier than that guy’s cousin, she underestimates herself tho…she has even been given modelling offers n stuff even which she turned down]…but she kept thinking that the other girl was prettier…ziada gori, colored eyes, ye wo…my friend was putting herself down in every way in comparison to the guy’s cousin…and her sister and i have given her a good few scoldings too for doing that but wo baaz nai aati…also the guy’s family is pathan and speak dari whereas my friend cannot speak dari…she also felt like her personality was opposite of that girl..that girl was quiet and shy and my friend is kind of outgoing shehri kurri…tho personally i dont believe in these personality stereotypes and my friend underestimates herself too much…her sister and i have been trying to convince my friend that ye sab aiween baatein haen…but she wouldnt listen…also that girl’s family was a zamindar family while my friend’s family is a shehri karkhanon walon kee family…etc etc…so she kept drawing contrasts in every small thing…and for some reason she has it fixed in her mind that the guy doesn’t like her but has just ‘settled for her’ as she put it…

her sister and i were telling her tho that obviously the guy likes her and thats why his family has sent a rishta for her…its not like someone has forced him…his liking his cousin is insignificant now becoz its a thing of the past and shes married…lekin she dint want to hear any of that…she says its not insignificant…us ka bas dil naheen maan rha tha, even tho she liked the guy..which was obvious to me from the way she was crying on the phone :frowning:

my friend mashallah is really good and inshallah there will be no kami of rishtas for her…but all this really baffled me and i was thinking to myself did she do the right thing? specially considering how sad she was after her decision…her hichkiaan and siskiaan on the phone r bothering me…plus he was a good guy and i do think he likes her…i feel like its my responsibility or something to make her say yes now… i am not going to force her or insist to her to do anything against her wishes…but ye time chala gya to waapas bhee naheen ayay ga…i keep thinking that

she has only conveyed no to her parents till now, they havent said no to the guy’s family they have given her time to reconsider…

but girls what would you have done if u were her? and what do u think i shud do? i dont believe in ‘love’ and all that so i dont know abt how crazy that guy could have been for his cousin but i do understand what my friend is saying and how she might be feeling and ofcourse if her heart is saying no i dont think she should go for it…but is she being just scared for something that doesnt even exist and missing this rishta from a good guy whom she also likes because of something insignificant?

just want to get ur opinions… shukria :flower1: and thanks for reading this long post… :-)*

2

Summary:

This guy was involoved with his cousin FIVE years ago.
The cousin is NOW married
He likes irem's friend and sent a rishta
Irem's friend said NO. Reason: The guy was once involved with his cousin.

My views:
Your friend is an idiot.

She should know that all cousins are "in love" with each other when they are 16. It means nothing more than an infatuation. Its not love. Your friend sounds like a very insecured girl and I am afraid she won't have a happy married life. I am saying this with the info you provided. If there is more to the curry then my views mean crap.

Waisay I think the real reason for her saying No is because the guy is a recently moved from NWFP pathan. he must have an accent. The girl may not like it or isn't used to it. She may not like that he isn't the "in" guy with the crowds. And she is using the previous-life cousin affair as an excuse.

3

Irem , I will try to answer your question later but for now.. just a piece of advice... don't force her to say yes... NEVER, plz

4

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by Minerva: *
don't force her to say yes... NEVER, plz
[/QUOTE]

I was going to say just that.

Frankly if I were you I wouldn't even say anything unless asked specifically. These marriage thingys are very complicated and if things go wrong at any stage, you might lose a friend and a lot more.

5

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by funguy: *
Waisay I think the real reason for her saying No is because the guy is a recently moved from NWFP pathan. he must have an accent. The girl may not like it or isn't used to it. She may not like that he isn't the "in" guy with the crowds. And she is using the previous-life cousin affair as an excuse.
[/QUOTE]

I don't know if what FG is saying is right or wrong. But I do find it interesting that the whole NWFP thing was brought up at all. I mean if the guy's educated and what not why should his province matter at all. I mean he is a Pakistani, right and should that not be it for his ethnicity check? If not, it is dissapointing to see that educated Pakistanis still think with this kind of a mindset.

6

Samb, I don't see anything wrong with it. Sometimes the way a person talks, acts and carries him/herself can be of prime importance. I know it sounds shallow and all but reality bites.

7

Ditto Funguy,

I used to like/love all the girls in grade 10 of my school and all of my potential cousins as well. now offcourse i cant marry all of them.

irem's friend seems to be very insecure in the above the story.

Lets say she did not know any thing like this about her future hubby and gets maried and then she knows about his past love stories (may be onsided only), then what ???

she has to remember that time is best medicine, and in the case of that pathan bhai it worked. and he changed and now he loves her that much that he even proposed her.

I think she is too much into indian/Paki movies. Tell her to come to real like.

8

Now that I am thinking very hard and trying to put all the pieces of the puzzle together... NWFP, pathan guy, in love, with cousin, now this girl saying NO... I have a question for the thread starter... Was his cousin a guy named Asfandyaar?.

9

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by funguy: *
Samb, I don't see anything wrong with it. Sometimes the way a person talks, acts and carries him/herself can be of prime importance. I know it sounds shallow and all but reality bites.
[/QUOTE]

I agree.

But if he speaks PTV-1 (not Prime) Urdu, then why should anybody care where he is from and that he also speaks Dari? He is a Pakistani and he speaks Pakistan's national language - and that should be enough.

10

But what if he speaks Urdu like our Prime Minister Jamali?. Wouldn't that be a turn-off for a hip karachi girl?

11

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by sambrialian: *

I was going to say just that.

Frankly if I were you I wouldn't even say anything unless asked specifically. These marriage thingys are very complicated and if things go wrong at any stage, you might lose a friend and a lot more.
[/QUOTE]

Very right. but

she already specifically said that its only becaue she thinks that he has given his heart to his cousin.

12

well first of all u cant force anyone to say yes or not. second i think ur friend is making a mistake by saying no on the basis of his past which was probably nothing but a teen crush. the guy likes her and she likes him . khamkha fizool baat ko barhana, if the guy really liked his cousin he wud have proposed her long time ago but he didnt. ur friend needs to be more secure about her self.

13

[QUOTE]
*Originally posted by funguy: *
But what if he speaks Urdu like our Prime Minister Jamali?. Wouldn't that be a turn-off for a hip karachi girl?
[/QUOTE]

are you commenting on the speed or the accent?

well for hip girls anything can be a turn off. "why does the guy have hair?" "why does he have a backbone - I wanted to remould and educate him."

Just look around at all the ABCDs all over here. "Larka should be 6.5 feet. Have an MBA, be only religious as I am. Meet parents only on long weekends. And what do I bring to the table? Well I'm starting school this fall, my major is basketweaving and I'm like only 24. That oughtta be more than enough for ya."

14

a big turn off for a materialistic girl but for a normal chick as long they can understand each other i.e. in this case they can coz they are/were good friends

15

:hehe:
c’mon now.. they arent that bad..

16

I think, there must somethings that are between the girl and guy,

Irem dont push her to say yes, whatever the reasons, she does know more about her and that guy.

in this case I think only the Guy can convince her and being friends he should have told his intensions of proposing her and discussed with the girl before going through official channels.

17

I agree with Shak Kills. It's the guy who needs to talk to her.

I, too, think she's making a mistake but a person who's going through it always thinks he/she is right in making the decision. Sometimes we make little things a big deal and feel we can't overcome the differences, but a few years down the line we realize we could've handled it maturely.

I'm not sure how old your friend is, but she sounds a little immature. The details she's worrying about are pretty insignificant. If she actually thinks that she's going to get someone who's NEVER been emotionally involved, it's probably close to impossible. Being emotionally involved with people around us is natural and we need to accept it. Even if he was in a relationship with another girl, so what? Unless he's still head over heels with his ex, it shouldn't be a big deal. And in this case, if he was, he wouldn't be purposing to your friend.

She shouldn't be ruining her present/future based on what happened in the past. Maybe the guy should talk to her and make her understand his position. You shouldn't force her at all.

18

Irem I think you're friend is a little complexed about her self and that's about it. Fine he had the hots for his cousin, at a very young age. People hardly know themselves at that age. It's an age of self-discovery where you should probably be avoiding getting in to relationships. If his cousin is now married with kids, I don't see any reason why she turned him down. The fact that she broke down after rejecting him clearly shows that she had feelings for him. Its her inferiority complex that didn't let her say yes. She thinks she may never be good enough for him, since in her view she is not even a close match to his so called 'first love'. Or maybe she thinks he is just settling for her since the first one is taken.

She needs to be told that people change with time, choices change, decisions change. It's all a part of growing up. She should put aside the comparisons and think with a clear mind. God forbid she should regret the decision she makes today.

19

even though the question is targeted to girls, but i fell like saying some words, all the story u told above, is 101% same as happend with someone i know
what i understand, ur friend has a lil complex about herself, she DOES LIKE the guy, but she's feeling insecure coz of how much that guys had been emotional for his cousin

bottom line: ur friends needs to talk to the guy

20

**Irem, here's something a bit different.
The more the mouths the more the stories. But marriage
is indeed a very serious issue. The way I see it, the guy
was a product of a limited society having been raised in NWFP
involved with a cousin in a village, obviously his choices were
limited. When he moved on to a bigger society, in most
of these kind of cases, the guys look into the overall personality and
not so much into looks anymore, which was most probably
what happened with this guy as well. He saw factors which
are more significant in a married life.

Your friend on some level probably thinks that if he
found someone better tomorrow he may move onto her.
She has a severe issue with self esteem and confidence
which reflected when she compared herself with his
cousin. I wouldn't advise you to say anything to her
as it is a decision solely of her own. And whatever
the consequences maybe good or bad she'll be the
one having to live with them, not anyone else.**