fungy thank u for the summary dear 
irem, I believe only your friend can make the decision as to if it was wise or not.
I have a slightly different perspective than other posters in that I think that if she said no, then it was best for her.
The fact is that she does have some personal issues that she needs to deal with. If she is having such a severe case of insecurity, then it is probably best that she not be involved with him because in the long run there will probably be a lot of heartache on both sides if the issue is never resolved with her. It looks like his word isnt good enough for her, and if it isnt good enough for her now I dont know when it ever would be.
She simply isnt ready to marry him at this time, and there is a reason for it that is unbeknownst to all of us.
I had a somewhat similar experience happen with me. I had a wonderful rishta a few years ago, he was mash'Allah a very good guy, gorgeous, got along very well with my family, but he told me some things about himself/his past that I could not get over the fact at that time in my life. So I said no to him, against everyones wishes. I was terribly sad for saying no to him because I knew he was just an amazing person, but after a few months I got over it, and I can tell you today that it is the best decision I made at the time. I do not regret my decision. Allah had a plan for me and it wasnt to marry him for whatever reason. He is married now himself, with kids.
So, I think your friend made the choice and now she has to live with it. Such decisions of right or wrong shouldnt be made by friends, it should be made by the persons involved. smile
thanks a lot for your views guys
i’ll be back with detailed responses soon
Khan saab knew the girl for almost four yrs… he should have been confident enough to ask the question directly to the girl instead of going through his parents. The traditional route can backfire sometimes…no matter how sexy it may look. It would have been easier for the girl to talk out her concerns. Khair, its too late for that..I think she should give him a call and tell him how she feels. Let the guy tell her his feeling towards his cousin and maybe they can sort it out.
As for ethnic backgrounds…ask your friend how she feels about it. There are chances that she hasn’t given it a thorough thought and her dil nhin manta thing has more to do with it instead.
p.s Thora likha kuro kaki (kidding) :-)
Irem, no disrespect to you or your friend, but it sounds like your friend needs a lot of growing up to do. She sounds like she is not ready for marriage, period. She doesn't seem to understand what marriage is all about. If she is waiting to be someone's first love, she'll be waiting for a looooong time. All guys have been in love/lust/infatuation with one girl or the other since they were 14.
Like everyone else has stated, she sounds very insecure and very immature. Also, someone else mentioned, and this is very true, a lot of our pakistani women live in a world based on Indian movies and need to realize that marriage/love is not all singing and dancing in the mountains.
I don't think it's your place to force the girl to say yes. I'm just glad my pathan bhai has been spared. Can you imagine living with her AFTER they got married if she continued upon her path of insecurity, jealousy, immaturity? That would have been a MISERABLE marriage.
Sorry, don't mean to be harsh, but that's how I see it.
asalamaleykum Irem
bas hi kehnay kay liye tapakgaya
kaha tha na aap say Lifestyles meh bhi mulakat hogi.
is snowed a lot in peterborough today and it was so windny
kamsamsay aab long gongs pehna nahi bhuluon ga hahahaha
salam
humm
Sounds like she knows the extent to how much the former love still occupies his heart, where she doesnt see much place left for herself to fit in (no matter how much she tries). Plus she is obviously can't take his first involvement...so why push her into sth that she cant endure???
Btw, those who claim she isnt mature enough and running after fantasies...what is wrong in dreams ??? If we dont pursue our dreams, what else is left???
irem, although you have explained the situation very well, every suggestion by us would still just be a reflection of how we interpret your writing.
However, from what I have been able to grab from the story, I think your friend did make a wrong decision.
If the only reason for saying "No" was, that he once had a crush on his cousin (it sounds like it just was a crush), then she is deniying him the right to ever get married at all. Just because of that crush? That is a very immature "bollywood/hollywood" thinking.
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r u sure she dosent like any one else ? it maybe a crush too, unspoken.
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I think she have been living in dream world, & waiting for her prince charm who will only love her & will be pure like an angel. Could be bcos of the way she was brought up, u know better. As a friend u need to convince her.
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The famouse line “Her Decision today, is a decision of a emotional girl, her regret tomorrow will be a feeling of a woman”.
i only want to say that she needs sometime......
there are 2 reasons for her crying...
1) she doesnot want to break her friends heart
2) she doesnot even want to be 2nd gurl in her better half's life...
it wiil take some time to get over all this... how much time.... depends on the person's aptitude..
Well she dont want him as her future husband so it is her choice. You dont need to force her. She may get a better life partner and so is the pathan guy. But at least she should talk to him in detail before finalizing the decision so that she may not regret in future.
The point not given much importance is the ethnic difference. She may not have it as a main reason for her decision, but in my view it is quite significant. Going to a new family with new set of values and family traditions, language can be a problem if not handled properly. But if intentions are good then it can be sorted out with the period of time.